Was I The Problem?

[MissCongeniality]

So I'm not exactly the type to get sentimental or I try hiding my emotions my Mother wasn't the best and I know I should hate her a part of me does. There's still a part of me that for some reason loves her and wants her to acknowledge me.

 

She abandoned me when I was 4 left me to live with my dad whose an abusive jerk. She took me back when I was twelve I think I lived with her for a year or two. I like to blame her because she was very unkind to me and I'm not just saying that everything I did was criticized and she always liked reminding me how lucky I was she to take me back she said things like "I didn't have to take you back but I did." or other things like that.

 

I grew up in a really poor neighborhood and her loft or apartment was like something out of a fairy tale to me. I think she's ashamed of me because I was the product of rape and feel like she wanted to love me but some how I always reminded her of what happened.

 

My mother was successful but never really spent much money on me. I always felt like I was the problem it was like I was always screwing up. I was raised to be a criminal my dad had this thing where my siblings and me we always had to bring him stuff like to pawn or money to spend the loser was the one who would bring home the least and the loser had to sleep outside.

 

So one time out of habit I stole some stuff (wallets, anything I could carry and looked valuable) rather than being at school. I did this because this was normal to me. I was actually surprised the school she had me in called her about my absence because my other school was the kind of place where they wouldn't care if a student didn't show up.

 

Needless to say she got mad and as always asked "What's wrong with you?" I didn't even know what I was doing was wrong because I was just doing what I thought was normal. I did a lot of things to I guess prove myself I at one point stole clothes because she said she didn't have money to buy me knew ones. It was like I kept screwing up.

 

The worst well I should say one of the worse parts is I sometimes wonder if my behavior and views at the time were what made her hate me. I'm biracial my mom is black and my dad is white and both made me feel less than a person. My dad made me feel inferior for being half black and my mom would tell me I was a disgrace for believing what I believed at the time and I'd never really voice my "beliefs" but it was one of those things where she knew just by looking and observing me.

 

I tried listening to black music tried talking like how I thought black people talked and I actively tried changing a lot and it was like I was just making her more mad. I remember one time I said "I'm just trying to be more like you people I guess" and that's the only time I gave any indication about what I felt or thought toward blacks and it set her off she started slapping me and locked me in my room and remember crying and telling her I was sorry.

 

I even remember one time my mom had company over and one of her rules was not to embarrass her and she's make me stay in my room until her friends or who ever left and I remember one time I had to pee and it was really late and I tried sneaking out and going to the bathroom and what happened was there was this guy he startled me and he didn't even know I was there and I was so startled I pissed myself. Anyway he left and my mom was just so angry yet again and she made me clean everything up.

 

I remember begging her not to send me back to live with my dad and I remember promising to be good. I know she had rules I know I wasn't able to follow those rules and I hate her but I sometimes find myself wondering if I was the problem.

 

My feelings for her are complicated on a good day. I sometimes hate her and I sometimes find myself blaming myself wondering if I was the problem but I do feel like she was just looking for reasons to punish me.

 

At times though I feel like maybe she's right about me that I am a disgrace because I used to want to be like her and she's big on the whole black pride and is a huge feminist and I've well shorty after I got sent back to live with my dad I got pregnant and I ran away from home because I knew I knew things weren't safe and I did a lot of things I'm ashamed of to get by and because I haven't made the best choices I find myself wondering at times if she was right to get rid of me.

[MsJayne]

That's so sad. Both your parents are villains for letting you down so badly. Your mother had no right to blame you for rape, and feminists don't abuse other women, especially not their daughters. That's not feminism, that's just bitter hatred of men, (which is understandable if she's been subjected to abuse from men), and bullying behaviour. Likewise with Black Pride, I'm not black but I'm pretty sure pride in your heritage and culture is not about being an absolute a-hole and taking out your anger on innocent people. There's no 'pride' in being a child abuser. Sounds like your mother has been treated quite badly, but that's not your fault and for her to be cruel to you is really messed up stuff.

You should try to get on with your life, try to seize any opportunity to better yourself for the sake of your child, (which I am assuming you kept), and for yourself. Try not to worry about your mother and her opinion of you, she's obviously a very screwed up person. Leave it to her to make first contact, if you try to initiate a relationship with her you will likely be subjected to more abuse. Be the bigger person, aim to improve your life. If you believe you can do it, you will. I know it's very hard to think positive when life kicks you in the teeth before you're even out of the crib, but you have to believe in yourself. That's the best revenge to have on parents who trample your self esteem, make something of yourself, and make sure you're a proper parent and show them how a strong person reacts to adversity. They may learn something from it. Sending you a big hug.

[anika99]

You were not the problem. Both of your parents were failures as caregivers and you survived the best you could. I come from a similarly dysfunctional childhood. My mother spent the first 11yrs of my life abandoning me and screwing me up and then was so disappointed when I didn't become a well adjusted normal teenager. Like you, I really wanted my parents to love me and be proud of me but I simply didn't know how to accomplish that because of my childhood. I skipped school, smoked, shoplifted, etc and eventually became a pregnant high school dropout. My mother and stepfather were often disgusted by me but never did they ever try to help me or understand me. They didn't even try to know me.

 

I spent my teens, twenties and even most of my thirties being full of self loathing. Feeling worthless and just basically not as good as most other people. Coming out of that shame filled dark hole was a very long slow process but I did eventually learn self love and forgiveness and now when I think back to that lost confused girl and young woman that I used to be I feel nothing but compassion for her.

 

Your parents let you down. They didn't give you the love and nurturing that every child deserves, so you had to take care of yourself the best you knew how. Now you deserve to forgive yourself for your past and to feel love for both your present self and your past self. The little girl you used to be deserved so much more than she got and when you think of her, do so with love and compassion. Embrace and love the child you used to be.

[MissCongeniality]

That's so sad. Both your parents are villains for letting you down so badly. Your mother had no right to blame you for rape, and feminists don't abuse other women, especially not their daughters. That's not feminism, that's just bitter hatred of men, (which is understandable if she's been subjected to abuse from men), and bullying behaviour. Likewise with Black Pride, I'm not black but I'm pretty sure pride in your heritage and culture is not about being an absolute a-hole and taking out your anger on innocent people. There's no 'pride' in being a child abuser. Sounds like your mother has been treated quite badly, but that's not your fault and for her to be cruel to you is really messed up stuff.

You should try to get on with your life, try to seize any opportunity to better yourself for the sake of your child, (which I am assuming you kept), and for yourself. Try not to worry about your mother and her opinion of you, she's obviously a very screwed up person. Leave it to her to make first contact, if you try to initiate a relationship with her you will likely be subjected to more abuse. Be the bigger person, aim to improve your life. If you believe you can do it, you will. I know it's very hard to think positive when life kicks you in the teeth before you're even out of the crib, but you have to believe in yourself. That's the best revenge to have on parents who trample your self esteem, make something of yourself, and make sure you're a proper parent and show them how a strong person reacts to adversity. They may learn something from it. Sending you a big hug.

 

You were not the problem. Both of your parents were failures as caregivers and you survived the best you could. I come from a similarly dysfunctional childhood. My mother spent the first 11yrs of my life abandoning me and screwing me up and then was so disappointed when I didn't become a well adjusted normal teenager. Like you, I really wanted my parents to love me and be proud of me but I simply didn't know how to accomplish that because of my childhood. I skipped school, smoked, shoplifted, etc and eventually became a pregnant high school dropout. My mother and stepfather were often disgusted by me but never did they ever try to help me or understand me. They didn't even try to know me.

 

I spent my teens, twenties and even most of my thirties being full of self loathing. Feeling worthless and just basically not as good as most other people. Coming out of that shame filled dark hole was a very long slow process but I did eventually learn self love and forgiveness and now when I think back to that lost confused girl and young woman that I used to be I feel nothing but compassion for her.

 

Your parents let you down. They didn't give you the love and nurturing that every child deserves, so you had to take care of yourself the best you knew how. Now you deserve to forgive yourself for your past and to feel love for both your present self and your past self. The little girl you used to be deserved so much more than she got and when you think of her, do so with love and compassion. Embrace and love the child you used to be.

I know this is a late reply but thank you both. Your words really do mean a lot to me.