Waywards discuss improving their marriage?

[Adotta]

I've been devouring the om ow and infedlity threads for a few months now maybe 6 months and today I've had a thought.

 

These are thoughts on married ow. (Men too but there seems to be less of them here.)

 

We see alot of women some men too post on these forums about going NC and working on thier marriages. They always ask how to break it off for good and leave the affair behind them. They ask how can they get rid of thier feeling for the om or ow and how long that takes. They post over and over about thier feeling for the om and wonder how they are doing. They express anger and sadness over the om and an inability to move on.

 

My thought or question I guess is..... why do they almost never use the other resources of this site to discuss improving thier marriage? They rarely ever ask how to reconnect with thier husbands (or wives). Or ask how to bring the spark and sex back into thier marriage.

 

In my opinion getting over an om is best achieved by focusing on thier husbands and family. Sure that can be a complied without this board but if they are relying on this board to help them with om problems why do they rarely ever also rely on this board for thier marriage problems?

 

We read every detail about thier om and understand the AP relations clear as crystal but rarely ever hear about the marraige besides a simple it's not so great, it's sexless, my husband is cold, I love him but I'm not in love with him. You know the bare bones.

 

Why is that? It seems to me that this focus on the om is the whole problem. I feel that this concentration on the om is only setting them back. Sometimes these married ow will go years focusing on thier om all while not mentioning thier husbands besides a vague hope for better in thier marriage.

 

Sure the om ow threads can and should be used to talk about that but at the same time I feel like these married people should at the same time at least post about thier marriage in hopes of receiving help there too. It kinda makes me think these ow and om think that the marriage can only be worked on AFTER THE AP is out of thier system completely. But I don't think it should be like that. A reinvigorated marriage SHOULD BE the perfect balm to thier problems shouldn't it? If your happy in your marriage wouldn't that make the om a distant memory?

 

If your in a sexless marriage should you ask how to work with that? If you want passion couldn't you ask how to achieve that with hubby? If hubby is a drinker couldn't you ask about that? Hubby working to much? Ask how to talk to him about working less.

 

These people want all the help in the world to figure out how to get over the om or to talk about the affair but when it comes to help for thier marriage I guess they just go it alone?......

 

I mean I do understand WHY. It just doesn't seem smart to me. Why focus on something that is over and gone or should be when you have already made the decision to the exclusion of ALL ELSE.

 

Just a thought. []

Edited March 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Move to GRD, clarify title and edit for topical content

[Grey Cloud]

This is a really interesting perspective which I hadn’t given much thought. I don’t really have any answers but I do agree with you.

[road]

You do not worry about that there is still smoke in the house

and water filling the basement while the fire still has not been

put out.

 

First things first.

 

If you have read enough you see where the disconnect between the

spouses can not be repaired until the disconnect is made with the AP

with NC.

 

Example, WW still connected to OM, she has cut off sex with her BH

to be faithful to her OM. There is no way prior sexual issues or any

other issues can be worked on until the WW comes out of the fog.

[Adotta]

You do not worry about that there is still smoke in the house

and water filling the basement while the fire still has not been

put out.

 

First things first.

 

If you have read enough you see where the disconnect between the

spouses can not be repaired until the disconnect is made with the AP

with NC.

 

Example, WW still connected to OM, she has cut off sex with her BH

to be faithful to her OM. There is no way prior sexual issues or any

other issues can be worked on until the WW comes out of the fog.

 

I'm talking AFTER NC is established. These ww wouldn't be neck deep in afair fog. Or at least they are trying to get out of it.

 

Sure as long as your SEEING your OM you can't reconect with hubby BUT if your not seeing him isn't it the best way to get over om?

[2.50 a gallon]

A good part of the problem is "Love Chemicals"

Logic says this relationship is bad, but your body keeps producing more love chemicals, so you keep feeling like you are in love with the OM or OW.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm talking AFTER NC is established. These ww wouldn't be neck deep in afair fog. Or at least they are trying to get out of it.

 

There's lots of people at NA or AA meetings in a sober atmosphere where the focus is on moving forward. And yet many (most?) relapse because they have intent but not commitment.

 

In the early stages of ending the A, most WS are the same way. They're stuck in the contradiction between wanting to do the right thing yet wishing it wasn't happening, a battle between head and heart. Until this is resolved, working on the marriage can't truly be their focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bittersweetie]

I think some of the issue of focusing on the xOM is because it's easier to focus on something/someone external. Rather than focusing on what one did and what one is dealing with in the actual marriage. Instead of really examining why I did what I did, and how I made really hurtful choices, it's easier to examine why xAP did what he did, even though that's not really helpful to moving forward for me or my marriage. I do feel it is a stage for everyone, though it does seem like some posters get more mired in this stage than others.

 

Also, I think it's an extension of the rationalization one goes through in order to have an A. I rationalize that once I figure out the xAP then I can be done with him and move to my marriage. Or I rationalize that I will work on my marriage even though my H is A, B, or C. We rationalized our actions in the affair hard and that's a difficult mental shift to change.

 

Finally I think focusing on marriage after an A ending is a lot harder without a d-day. There is no obvious accountability. Whereas once one has seen their spouse's face on a d-day, thinking about the xAP loses its luster.

 

JMO as someone who's been there...

[Adotta]

I think some of the issue of focusing on the xOM is because it's easier to focus on something/someone external. Rather than focusing on what one did and what one is dealing with in the actual marriage. Instead of really examining why I did what I did, and how I made really hurtful choices, it's easier to examine why xAP did what he did, even though that's not really helpful to moving forward for me or my marriage. I do feel it is a stage for everyone, though it does seem like some posters get more mired in this stage than others.

 

Also, I think it's an extension of the rationalization one goes through in order to have an A. I rationalize that once I figure out the xAP then I can be done with him and move to my marriage. Or I rationalize that I will work on my marriage even though my H is A, B, or C. We rationalized our actions in the affair hard and that's a difficult mental shift to change.

 

Finally I think focusing on marriage after an A ending is a lot harder without a d-day. There is no obvious accountability. Whereas once one has seen their spouse's face on a d-day, thinking about the xAP loses its luster.

 

JMO as someone who's been there...

 

Nice post. Good thoughts. I think your on to something.