I want him to reject me

[CarbonCopy]

I don't know if this is the right board since technically I'm not the OW, but for the past two years or so I've been engaging in inappropriate behavior with a married man.

 

We met through work (we don't work together but my company performs a service for him) and everything was totally innocent at first. Then things escalated and I have no idea how they got to this point.

 

Many of our conversations are sexual in nature, and we've sent nudes to each other, we've talked about what we'd do to each other etc. But we've also had many totally normal conversations, such as between 'friends' even though we're really not.

 

I am so incredibly attracted to him, and I genuinely like him as a person as well. He knows very well that I desire him and want to be involved with him. I also know he likes me as well, and is definitely very sexually attracted to me, but the fear of being caught, possibly also guilt as well, has kept this from progressing.

 

I'm so tired of this hot and cold game. Some nights when we're talking he really seems so sincere, like he's so ready to do it, to take it to the next level, but then nothing happens. I keep thinking maybe, finally this is going somewhere. And then I'm just let down.

 

I know I shouldn't want a married man to cheat. I know he's doing the right thing by keeping me at a distance. But I just want him to say the words, to reject me and say nothing will ever happen and no matter how hard I try this will never amount to anything and he doesn't want me. Because then, finally, I can let this go and I can walk away in peace. I will cut off all contact with him and wish him well in life.

 

I know my whole entire post doesn't make sense, and I'm sure I sound like a crazy, horrible person. But I can't do this anymore. It's so frustrating. Why let someone you've never had affect you like that?

[jah526]

Unfortunately you are going to have to do the rejecting. He has nothing to lose by playing this game and toying with you. Read the stories here about the MMs who return years later. Get out now before anything physical happens because once it does it will be very difficult and painful to extricate yourself.

[JDJ]

I can't stand euphemisms. I assume by "he's ready to do it, to take it to the next level" you are talking about sex, not some online video game you are playing together. I also assume you are NOT talking about him leaving his wife to be with you.

 

If you just have sex with him, you are by definition having sex with a cheater. Why would you want someone like that?

 

If he is talking about leaving his wife to be with you, that is a slightly different matter. Usually that talk is also blowing smoke, but there is a shred of a possibility that it might be true that he has found some true love with you that he never had with his wife. In those cases, it might just barely be possible to find a way with your MM.

 

Finally, you say that you want him to reject you. But you must know by now that you can't control the actions of other people. So dreaming about him rejecting you is about as useful as planning a vacation on Jupiter. jah526 is right that you'll have to do the deciding here.

[Floating Lilly]

Hi carbon copy

 

I am involved with a MM and I’m fighting my way out of the situation I urge you to not go any further. Right now he’s testing the water seeing how resistant you are maybe even building up himself to go the whole distance physically with you.

 

From what I’ve read on these board stuff most MM play this game groom OW they want to make sure your a sure thing before going all in maybe because of repercussions he wants to make sure your on his side fully so no dramatic outbursts

 

Take back your power and cut it off yourself he pushes you away and you stay in the same place he pulls you in and you take a step towards him. If your confused now trust me when your in this fully and become the OW its an uphill struggle everyday all day. Right now he could be at the grooming stage maybe he like the ego boost of another woman wanting him

 

Your at that stage now when you can decide whether you want to keep going or to walk away and not look back

[WorldInMyEyes]

Hi carbon copy

 

I am involved with a MM and I’m fighting my way out of the situation I urge you to not go any further. Right now he’s testing the water seeing how resistant you are maybe even building up himself to go the whole distance physically with you.

 

From what I’ve read on these board stuff most MM play this game groom OW they want to make sure your a sure thing before going all in maybe because of repercussions he wants to make sure your on his side fully so no dramatic outbursts

 

Take back your power and cut it off yourself he pushes you away and you stay in the same place he pulls you in and you take a step towards him. If your confused now trust me when your in this fully and become the OW its an uphill struggle everyday all day. Right now he could be at the grooming stage maybe he like the ego boost of another woman wanting him

 

Your at that stage now when you can decide whether you want to keep going or to walk away and not look back

What? She's pursuing him, not the other way around. Who in this scenario is the one doing the "grooming"?

 

OP, I'm in a very similar situation as you and I'm almost actively trying to get my OW/MW to reject me so I can walk away with my peace of mind intact. My plan to have her reject me doesn't seem to be working so far, unfortunately.

[healing light]

More so than torturing yourself over this married man, you need to realize why you are doing it. Why hang on for years over a fruitless situation that doesn't make you feel good about yourself? Often times when we attract unavailable partners we, ourselves, are somewhat emotionally unavailable. There is a subconscious belief that we don't deserve love or a fear around intimacy that drives the fantasy of this situation. Emotional affairs with emotionally unavailable people can be erotic and far more enticing and difficult to get over than real life relationships that are given the space to grow and fail.

 

You feel like you need him to reject you in order to move on with your life, because it feels otherwise unresolved. But the truth is that most times there is a heavy push/pull dynamic in these situations that prevents them from ending normally when a person with a healthy sense of boundaries would have walked away much sooner. He will be unlikely to pull the plug, you guys sound like there is a level of addiction here. I'm afraid to say you'll likely have to do it yourself. A good therapist can be useful in helping you to navigate the process.

[CatMinx]

You say you're not the OW..but how do you think his wife will react when she finds naked pictures of you on his phone? And moreover, how do you think your boss will react?

 

The most likely outcome of this is that you get your heart broken and also lose your career. Is it worth ruining your life for a few years of sex and feeling rejected?

[CatMinx]

PS..there is no next level. He would never be your boyfriend, or your fiancé, or your husband. He would just be a guy who puts his penis into you whenever he can think of a good lie to tell his wife.

 

The predatory OW is such a cliche..be better than this.

[CarbonCopy]

Unfortunately you are going to have to do the rejecting. He has nothing to lose by playing this game and toying with you. Read the stories here about the MMs who return years later. Get out now before anything physical happens because once it does it will be very difficult and painful to extricate yourself.

 

Well that's what I'm going to do. The next time I see him, which should be within the next week or two, I'm just point-blank going to ask him what he wants. If I don't get a direct answer either way ('I don't know, I'm not sure...' etc) I'm still going to walk away. I cannot do this anymore. My attraction to him has not faded. I actually feel like I want him more. But enough is enough.

[CarbonCopy]

More so than torturing yourself over this married man, you need to realize why you are doing it. Why hang on for years over a fruitless situation that doesn't make you feel good about yourself? Often times when we attract unavailable partners we, ourselves, are somewhat emotionally unavailable. There is a subconscious belief that we don't deserve love or a fear around intimacy that drives the fantasy of this situation. Emotional affairs with emotionally unavailable people can be erotic and far more enticing and difficult to get over than real life relationships that are given the space to grow and fail.

 

You feel like you need him to reject you in order to move on with your life, because it feels otherwise unresolved. But the truth is that most times there is a heavy push/pull dynamic in these situations that prevents them from ending normally when a person with a healthy sense of boundaries would have walked away much sooner. He will be unlikely to pull the plug, you guys sound like there is a level of addiction here. I'm afraid to say you'll likely have to do it yourself. A good therapist can be useful in helping you to navigate the process.

 

This was a great post, thanks. I do think there's some kind of 'pull' there that keeps us both coming back. He said he has never cheated on his wife before. Whether that's true or not doesn't matter. I have decided to confront him the next time we meet because this cannot go on anymore. I don't want to be in this weird limbo for any longer. I'm tired of thinking about it.

[stillafool]

I imagine he gets his ego boost and then has sex with his wife. You will have to do the rejecting because he's go nothing to lose. He isn't going to go further if he hasn't by now. Maybe look for another job if you can't be strong.

[BaileyB]

You are the captain of your own life. If you know this needs to stop, which it does, then end it.

[Confused48]

This was a great post, thanks. I do think there's some kind of 'pull' there that keeps us both coming back. He said he has never cheated on his wife before. Whether that's true or not doesn't matter. I have decided to confront him the next time we meet because this cannot go on anymore. I don't want to be in this weird limbo for any longer. I'm tired of thinking about it.

 

If you think this weird limbo, with no sex, is painful, wait till you are still in limbo and giving him sex. Wait for him to say he is leaving his wife and then doesn't. That will bring on pain and torture above and beyond what you can even imagine at this point of your game with him.

 

I think you are headed that way. I predict you will be in a living hell for years. Don't say you were not warred.

[CarbonCopy]

I imagine he gets his ego boost and then has sex with his wife. You will have to do the rejecting because he's go nothing to lose. He isn't going to go further if he hasn't by now. Maybe look for another job if you can't be strong.

 

I always joke around with him that we only talk when he's feeling horny or wants an ego boost and he gets so upset when I say that. But come on. Isn't that obviously what it is? I'm not stupid. We don't work together, so I'm not worried about my job. I'll just pass on his work to someone else of I have to.

[CarbonCopy]

If you think this weird limbo, with no sex, is painful, wait till you are still in limbo and giving him sex. Wait for him to say he is leaving his wife and then doesn't. That will bring on pain and torture above and beyond what you can even imagine at this point of your game with him.

 

I think you are headed that way. I predict you will be in a living hell for years. Don't say you were not warred.

 

I've been with a married man before, many years ago. No promises were made or anything like that, but I was so in love with him and I know he loved me too but it didn't work out. I know exactly how this works so I know I'm being stupid by even entertaining another married man again. I suppose you can't help who you're attracted to. But you can certainly stay away if you know how it ends.

[Ladybug1982]

I say run and dont look back. Nothing good can come of this

[lhgirl]

Carbon - the type of closure you are looking for is probably not possible without a D-day. He has no reason to stop this if he hasn't been caught. He is in the precarious position of wanting something he knows he shouldn't want, yet having the fortitude to not turn this into a physical affair. If he hasn't slept with you in 2 years, he simply is not going to. It may not seem like it right now, but thank your lucky stars for that. Walk away, be the one that got away, that he never had and couldn't because he was married! Your self respect will increase dramatically.

 

What those of us beyond this see that you don't, is this is more of a habit / addiction than any type of relationship. It's a great Fantasty, but only a fantasy on his end. The pictures you send are just providing him with fodder for his daydreams.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks or how he feels about you -- he has already rejected you for two years by not sleeping with you when it was clear that is what you wanted from him. He enjoys the distraction and the mind f-ing game he is playing with you. Let him go. Get your self respect back. You just don't know yet how freeing it is to not constantly be waiting /expecting to hear from someone who you'll never have anyway.

[CatMinx]

I've been with a married man before, many years ago. No promises were made or anything like that, but I was so in love with him and I know he loved me too but it didn't work out. I know exactly how this works so I know I'm being stupid by even entertaining another married man again. I suppose you can't help who you're attracted to. But you can certainly stay away if you know how it ends.

 

So why are you still chasing him if you know how it will end? You can’t control who you’re attracted to but you can most definitely control your actions.

[CarbonCopy]

Carbon - the type of closure you are looking for is probably not possible without a D-day. He has no reason to stop this if he hasn't been caught. He is in the precarious position of wanting something he knows he shouldn't want, yet having the fortitude to not turn this into a physical affair. If he hasn't slept with you in 2 years, he simply is not going to. It may not seem like it right now, but thank your lucky stars for that. Walk away, be the one that got away, that he never had and couldn't because he was married! Your self respect will increase dramatically.

 

What those of us beyond this see that you don't, is this is more of a habit / addiction than any type of relationship. It's a great Fantasty, but only a fantasy on his end. The pictures you send are just providing him with fodder for his daydreams.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks or how he feels about you -- he has already rejected you for two years by not sleeping with you when it was clear that is what you wanted from him. He enjoys the distraction and the mind f-ing game he is playing with you. Let him go. Get your self respect back. You just don't know yet how freeing it is to not constantly be waiting /expecting to hear from someone who you'll never have anyway.

 

This is such a great post, thank you. You're right, if he hadn't done anything by now then he never will. I guess I foolishly held on to some sliver of hope that maybe he'd change his mind, but why? I've been with a married man before. I never had to chase him, it mutually happened and it certainly didn't take two years. You're correct, I'm essentially just an outlet for him to get his sexual jollies without actually crossing 'that line.' Much better to actually talk to and interact with a real person that you know instead of watching sterile porn. It doesn't how many pictures I send, or how much I tell him I want him and that I'd do anything - - he doesn't want me, period. And you're right, it's for the best. Getting involved with a married man doesn't lead anywhere good. I guess I enjoyed the 'game' in the beginning but now I'm just beyond frustrated. I'm done and moving on.

[Grey Cloud]

This is such a great post, thank you. You're right, if he hadn't done anything by now then he never will. I guess I foolishly held on to some sliver of hope that maybe he'd change his mind, but why? I've been with a married man before. I never had to chase him, it mutually happened and it certainly didn't take two years. You're correct, I'm essentially just an outlet for him to get his sexual jollies without actually crossing 'that line.' Much better to actually talk to and interact with a real person that you know instead of watching sterile porn. It doesn't how many pictures I send, or how much I tell him I want him and that I'd do anything - - he doesn't want me, period. And you're right, it's for the best. Getting involved with a married man doesn't lead anywhere good. I guess I enjoyed the 'game' in the beginning but now I'm just beyond frustrated. I'm done and moving on.

 

Some guys don’t view sexting or nude pics as actual cheating. Crossing the line physically though is harder to justify in his mind. He is using you for ego boosts and fantasy. He has his wife to have sex with. You are right - you are just an outlet/escape for his sexual jollies and then he returns to the real world. Also what an ego boost for him knowing that another woman wants him and would do anything!! This is going nowhere.

[whichwayisup]

It'll end when YOU end it. You can't rely on him to walk away just because you're fed up with the cat and mouse/hot and cold game.

 

This is your life, take control and make a decision to end things with him.

[CarbonCopy]

It'll end when YOU end it. You can't rely on him to walk away just because you're fed up with the cat and mouse/hot and cold game.

 

This is your life, take control and make a decision to end things with him.

 

Yes, I know. The next time I see him I AM ending it. I'm done with these silly games.

[sandylee1]

I do wonder why women won't take responsibility for their own actions and stop with..

"He's grooming the OW

"He's getting an ego boost " etc...

 

If he's getting an ego boost, so are you.

 

Sending nude pics to a married man, means YOU are playing this game too. It's not one sided...you're getting pleasure Out If this EA.

 

Stop kidding yourself you aren't the OW. You are. Just because aren't sleeping with him...doesn't mean you aren't the OW.

 

You've been down this road before with a MM.

It's time you did some self reflection to see why you engage in these relationships and have so little respect for another woman's marriage.

 

You can never control his behaviour...but look yourself and think about behaviour modification, to avoid this happening again.

[CarbonCopy]

I do wonder why women won't take responsibility for their own actions and stop with..

"He's grooming the OW

"He's getting an ego boost " etc...

 

If he's getting an ego boost, so are you.

 

Sending nude pics to a married man, means YOU are playing this game too. It's not one sided...you're getting pleasure Out If this EA.

 

Stop kidding yourself you aren't the OW. You are. Just because aren't sleeping with him...doesn't mean you aren't the OW.

 

You've been down this road before with a MM.

It's time you did some self reflection to see why you engage in these relationships and have so little respect for another woman's marriage.

 

You can never control his behaviour...but look yourself and think about behaviour modification, to avoid this happening again.

 

I never said I wasn't getting anything out of this. I'm frustrated it hasn't progressed to anything physical but obviously I'm enjoying it as well if I haven't put a stop to it and keep coming back.

 

I've done a lot of analyzing and self-reflection and I know exactly why I'm doing this. But that's not the point of this post.

 

He contacted me randomly today out of the blue and we basically spoke the entire day. It was a normal conversation, no sexting or anything like that, and it was so nice. It was a pleasant reminder of why I like him so much and it made me forget, at least temporarily, of all my frustrations with him. I hate being pulled back in...

[BaileyB]

The next time I see him I AM ending it. I'm done with these silly games.

 

It was a pleasant reminder of why I like him so much and it made me forget, at least temporarily, of all my frustrations. I hate being pulled back in...

 

Well, that didn't take much effort on his part... He didn't even have to buy you dinner.