How do you tell your family that you’re going to be a father again?

[Tiger night]

She came over unannounced and bawling last night. She says she doesn’t know if she wants to abort because the baby didn’t do anything wrong. I just listened and tried to not influence her in anyway... I get that this is difficult, but I don’t understand what she wants. Why would you tell people you’re afraid of someone, continue contacting them, and come to their house? Why would you ask them what you should do about the baby that you think is going to ruin your life?

[d0nnivain]

Her whole world is upside down. She's not thinking clearly about anything.

 

If she is on the fence about aborting & you want the child, you MUST TELL HER THAT. Especially if you are willing to raise the baby. If she is willing to let your child live, by all means assure her that the baby will be loved & cared for. This is your child too. Although she get the final decision because it's her body, you get a say so speak up & make your wishes known.

 

You can't just sit there & assume she knows what you are thinking / feeling!

[Tiger night]

Her whole world is upside down. She's not thinking clearly about anything.

 

If she is on the fence about aborting & you want the child, you MUST TELL HER THAT. Especially if you are willing to raise the baby. If she is willing to let your child live, by all means assure her that the baby will be loved & cared for. This is your child too. Although she get the final decision because it's her body, you get a say so speak up & make your wishes known.

 

You can't just sit there & assume she knows what you are thinking / feeling!

 

Everyone here was telling me to back off. So I have. I thought that was what the whole issue is.

[d0nnivain]

There is a difference between smothering her & telling her that the baby has a safe family to be born into & she won't be saddled with a child if she doesn't want that responsibility.

[Yomachi]

There is a difference between smothering her & telling her that the baby has a safe family to be born into & she won't be saddled with a child if she doesn't want that responsibility.

 

Theoretically a good idea, practically? Words are cheap, actions are not.

 

There's no indication OP is willing to take sole custody of the kid.

 

I also doubt that the baby has a safe family to be born into. No offence OP, but this is a FWB, not even a girlfriend. If she wasn't pregnant, and you put off your rose tinted glasses, do you think you'd have married her? Being half your age and all?

 

Breeding ground for resentment on both sides if you try to form a family on that basis, if you ask me.

 

If you ask me, OP is doing the right thing just being supportive and not influencing her in any way. If she wants to keep the baby, it should be 100%

her choice, otherwise she's going to blame OP for ruining her life years down the road.

[basil67]

She came over unannounced and bawling last night. She says she doesn’t know if she wants to abort because the baby didn’t do anything wrong. I just listened and tried to not influence her in anyway... I get that this is difficult, but I don’t understand what she wants. Why would you tell people you’re afraid of someone, continue contacting them, and come to their house? Why would you ask them what you should do about the baby that you think is going to ruin your life?

 

You don't know what she wants? Even she doesn't know what she wants.

 

How can you expect her to give an unwavering presentation when she's in turmoil?

[Tiger night]

Theoretically a good idea, practically? Words are cheap, actions are not.

 

There's no indication OP is willing to take sole custody of the kid.

 

I also doubt that the baby has a safe family to be born into. No offence OP, but this is a FWB, not even a girlfriend. If she wasn't pregnant, and you put off your rose tinted glasses, do you think you'd have married her? Being half your age and all?

 

Breeding ground for resentment on both sides if you try to form a family on that basis, if you ask me.

 

If you ask me, OP is doing the right thing just being supportive and not influencing her in any way. If she wants to keep the baby, it should be 100%

her choice, otherwise she's going to blame OP for ruining her life years down the road.

Actually, yes, I would make sure they were taken care of. Not only has this woman been my fwb, but she’s been my friend. We were friends when we got together. That’s why we got together. I’d marry her without the baby if she wanted me.

[Tiger night]

You don't know what she wants? Even she doesn't know what she wants.

 

How can you expect her to give an unwavering presentation when she's in turmoil?

 

What I expect is her to not being sending me pictures, asking to come over, showing up at my house crying if she’s afraid of me. Be my friend or don’t. Don’t tell people you’re afraid I might hurt you...

 

Hearing that really just broke my heart.

[d0nnivain]

Actually, yes, I would make sure they were taken care of. Not only has this woman been my fwb, but she’s been my friend. We were friends when we got together. That’s why we got together. I’d marry her without the baby if she wanted me.

 

But would you take & raise the baby without her? If you don't want her to abort you have to be willing to assume SOLE custody & sole responsibility. If you can't or won't do that, then do not express any opinion about what she should do. I suppose you can tell her you'd marry her but do you not understand that has a FWB, she doesn't even want to date you? Marriage isn't in the realm of things she wants with you.

[Tiger night]

But would you take & raise the baby without her? If you don't want her to abort you have to be willing to assume SOLE custody & sole responsibility. If you can't or won't do that, then do not express any opinion about what she should do. I suppose you can tell her you'd marry her but do you not understand that has a FWB, she doesn't even want to date you? Marriage isn't in the realm of things she wants with you.

 

I do understand the relationship we have. Yes I would take full and sole responsibility for this baby in a heartbeat. I would set up a trust and make sure everything would be taken care of if anything happened to me.

 

She showed up here late last night again. Her face was swollen from crying so much. I made her some dinner and we snuggled until we fell asleep. I made her breakfast, She asked if she could come back tonight, and left.

[d0nnivain]

Have you told her yet that you want the baby & that you will do all these things?

[preraph]

She's crying all the time because she doesn't want a baby! And everyone is trying to guilt her into it. She's not ready. I don't think you are either. You weren't ready to marry before this happened. She wasn't ready to marry and have a baby. She wants to be young and freed and plan for when to have a baby in the future. She's literally miserable because she doesn't want to have a baby. That's where you're at. She will carry resentment toward whoever talks her into doing it anyway the rest of her life.

[Tiger night]

She came over last night and we went to dinner. I told her I will accept full responsibility of the baby, or we can talk about adoption if she really doesn’t want to abort. She started crying again because she was happy I will take the baby. She said that was her ideal option.

 

Then she came over and wanted to have sex, when I told her no she got mad at me... I’m just trying to not send mixed signals. Or confuse her, or myself. She did spend the night though and just left.

 

So, it seems like to me, she does want to keep the baby in her life, just not raise it.

[happyhusband0005]

While it's good your making progress, I strongly suggest you both go to a family counselor because she is obviously all over the place and the way all this is handled should be done in the interest of creating the best life for this child.

[road]

She's crying all the time because she doesn't want a baby! And everyone is trying to guilt her into it. She's not ready. I don't think you are either. You weren't ready to marry before this happened. She wasn't ready to marry and have a baby. She wants to be young and freed and plan for when to have a baby in the future. She's literally miserable because she doesn't want to have a baby. That's where you're at. She will carry resentment toward whoever talks her into doing it anyway the rest of her life.

 

Oh cry me a river. To have sex and to think you will never have an

unwanted pregnancy is the definition of insanity. Sex is like Russian

Roulette. Eventually you keep on playing an you will lose.

 

To ignore the possible that you make create a life, so sad.

 

It is called learning to face the consequences. Sometimes the consequences

are easy sometimes they are hard.

[Tiger night]

About two years ago my ex wife accused me of cheating. I was texting someone but things never got sexual and I’ve since owned up to it. One night we’d been drinking and she attacked me and so I pushed her off. She got a restraining order, and one day I needed something from the house so I asked her if I could go get it. When I showed up after I was given permission she called the cops. I went to jail and we started to get divorced.

 

Then she started telling our family and friends I beat her and punched her in the face. She turned our kids against me and then they wouldn’t let me come near them and their families either. About that time I met a younger woman and we became friends. We got really close and then decided we could do a fwb type relationship. I still wanted my family, but It took my mind off things for a bit.

 

My ex decided we wouldn’t reconcile and so the other girl and I started getting heavier with our relationship but still just friends. A few weeks ago, she told me she’s pregnant with my baby. We were protected, but I guess it failed. Right now we are still talking about what to do about the baby, but I think that I might take responsibility for it.

 

I don’t know how I’m going to tell people and want to get a plan in place. I have to tell my mom, my brother and his wife, and my kids... this woman is younger than all three of my kids. She has met my brother and knows him well because I was staying at his house when we first got together. She has kind of met my mom, accidentally. But never really formally at all, and my kids haven’t ever met her and don’t know about her.

 

Obviously I’m going to wait until things are set in stone to really say anything, but I’m wondering if it would be bad to tell my mom now because I need some support. So, how do you break news like this to family? And when?

[Mr. Lucky]

I've read your other thread so I understand the many challenges involved.

 

Part of it depends on your relationship with your mom and brother. Are you close? Do you discuss the major events - good and bad - in each others lives? Some assessment of that dynamic would determine who I told initially about this and the setting for these convos. If mom is a big part of your life, by all means tells her now. She may offer some perspective you're currently missing.

 

On some level, it is what it is, including people's initial and ongoing reaction to the "shocking" news. So any assumption on your part you can spin this a certain way or manage the response - whether angry or congratulatory - of those around you is probably unrealistic. You might want to stay off social media for a while ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yosemite]

She came over last night and we went to dinner. I told her I will accept full responsibility of the baby, or we can talk about adoption if she really doesn’t want to abort. She started crying again because she was happy I will take the baby. She said that was her ideal option.

 

So, it seems like to me, she does want to keep the baby in her life, just not raise it.

 

How can you raise the baby on your own? Have you really thought about what it would mean to be a single dad at your age? Did you just say that without thinking through what it would mean?

 

You’re not far from retirement, are you planning to not retire and work until you’re 74 when the baby will be 18? Even if that’s your plan, ageism exists, you might find it hard to remain employed at a decent job when you’re older than 65. (when the kid is 9.)

 

You really think that at age 59 you’ll be up for chasing a toddler around after working all day? Spending your entire weekend every weekend doing kid stuff when you’re 62? Organizing and cleaning up after birthday parties/sleep overs when you’re 66? Or how about at age 70 staying on top of the trouble a 14 yr old can get into online and in real life?

 

Being a single dad is light years away from being a married dad or a dad who has 50/50 custody. Don’t promise to raise the kid on your own unless you really mean that you will do everything with no help from her and have a plan for who will take the child if you pass away or are too sick to take care of the child a few years from now.

 

If she’s opposed to abortion, adoption is probably the best option here. She can pick the adoptive parents and can negotiate an open adoption if she wants. Encourage her to research adoption.

[basil67]

She came over last night and we went to dinner. I told her I will accept full responsibility of the baby, or we can talk about adoption if she really doesn’t want to abort. She started crying again because she was happy I will take the baby. She said that was her ideal option.

 

Then she came over and wanted to have sex, when I told her no she got mad at me... I’m just trying to not send mixed signals. Or confuse her, or myself. She did spend the night though and just left.

 

So, it seems like to me, she does want to keep the baby in her life, just not raise it.

 

Has she been seeing a family planning counselor about this? If not, she should be. And she should be going alone so that she has the freedom to talk about her concerns without worrying how you will feel.

[TunaCat]

Quite honestly, I'm not sure you should say ANYTHING until you get confirmation that the baby is yours. This much younger girl can say the baby's yours all she wants, but there's no way you should take responsibility in this situation unless you get irrefutable proof that the baby is yours.

[Mrin]

I still think it is idiotic for a man of your age to be sleeping around with live bullets. You're going to be worm food before your new child can rent a car.

 

Dude - go get snipped. It is painless. Get the valium. 30 minutes in/out and a weekend of sitting around binge watching TV with a bag of frozen peas on your junk.

[preraph]

Trouble is most of those are religious zealots, depending where she lives. It can be traumatic to go. Even if it's PP, it can be traumatic to go because of the yo's outside shaming you.

[Tiger night]

I've read your other thread so I understand the many challenges involved.

 

Part of it depends on your relationship with your mom and brother. Are you close? Do you discuss the major events - good and bad - in each others lives? Some assessment of that dynamic would determine who I told initially about this and the setting for these convos. If mom is a big part of your life, by all means tells her now. She may offer some perspective you're currently missing.

 

On some level, it is what it is, including people's initial and ongoing reaction to the "shocking" news. So any assumption on your part you can spin this a certain way or manage the response - whether angry or congratulatory - of those around you is probably unrealistic. You might want to stay off social media for a while ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah, I’m super close with my mom. She’s who I went to when all the stuff went down with my ex. I’ve been debating getting her input on it since I found out. I just don’t know how to go about bringing it up.

[Tiger night]

Quite honestly, I'm not sure you should say ANYTHING until you get confirmation that the baby is yours. This much younger girl can say the baby's yours all she wants, but there's no way you should take responsibility in this situation unless you get irrefutable proof that the baby is yours.

 

She swears up and down it’s mine. I do plan on getting a dna test done when it’s born.

[Tiger night]

I still think it is idiotic for a man of your age to be sleeping around with live bullets. You're going to be worm food before your new child can rent a car.

 

Dude - go get snipped. It is painless. Get the valium. 30 minutes in/out and a weekend of sitting around binge watching TV with a bag of frozen peas on your junk.

 

I’m not sleeping around. I’ve only ever been with two people, my ex, and this girl. The only reason this happened is her shot didn’t work, that’s like 1/1000 chance.