How do you tell your family that you’re going to be a father again?

[Tiger night]

Has she been seeing a family planning counselor about this? If not, she should be. And she should be going alone so that she has the freedom to talk about her concerns without worrying how you will feel.

 

I don’t know if she has. As peraph said, we live in a very conservative area unfortunately.

[Whodatdog]

If you're man enough to make a baby, be man enough to tell your family.

[Mrin]

I’m not sleeping around. I’ve only ever been with two people, my ex, and this girl. The only reason this happened is her shot didn’t work, that’s like 1/1000 chance.

 

I get that but you're sleeping with a fertile woman, you still run a chance. Besides - why wouldn't you get snipped unless you're still wanting to father children. If that's the case - well, that's a whole different conversation. Ha!

[Tiger night]

If you're man enough to make a baby, be man enough to tell your family.

 

Well, I realize I have to tell them, my question is how? One of my son’s is really laid back and mellow, my daughter and my other son are very explosive and quick to anger. So, I’m a little more nervous about telling them. My mom is very traditional, and usually I go to her for everything. I’ve been so confused with this though that I haven’t brought it up. My brother and sister in law are also pretty traditional about stuff, and know the girl, but “hey I got her pregnant!” Conversation scares me, because my ex is still close with all of them...

[Mr. Lucky]

I just don’t know how to go about bringing it up.

 

I don't think there's any way to ease into it, "A funny thing happened to me on the way to..." doesn't quite cut it.

 

I'd start with "Sit down mom, I've got something important to tell you" and go from there. Someone once told me, when delivering news, if it's good string it out, if it's bad, spit it out.

 

I'll let you decide which category this falls in ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

She swears up and down it’s mine. I do plan on getting a dna test done when it’s born.

 

Hang on, part of your persuasion for her to have the baby is that you'll support her. Now, what if she agrees to all of this and then it turns out the baby isn't yours. Will you walk away from her and the child?

 

Does she know that you want a DNA test when the child is born?

 

As far as telling family goes, has she told her family about the baby and that you're the father? If not, how is that going to go down?

[Tiger night]

Hang on, part of your persuasion for her to have the baby is that you'll support her. Now, what if she agrees to all of this and then it turns out the baby isn't yours. Will you walk away from her and the child?

 

Does she know that you want a DNA test when the child is born?

 

As far as telling family goes, has she told her family about the baby and that you're the father? If not, how is that going to go down?

 

Yes I will. But I don’t think she’s lying about me being the only man she’s been with. Aside from the relationship we both have been pretty monogamous to each other for a while now. No, I haven’t said anything about the test. I’m not sure she’s said anything to her family, I don’t think she has yet.

[Yomachi]

No, I haven’t said anything about the test.

 

You should, really. It's extremely awkward but she has a right to know.

 

EDIT: Well, a right is debatable, but as the older person and as someone who was instrumental in her decision to keep the baby, I'd personally feel like I'd have a duty of care in your situation to inform her of my intentions.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Yomachi

[Timshel]

When my ex wife and I were separated, I met a very nice young girl. We were friends and everything was cool. After my wife and I divorced I started to text her and we started meeting up for sex and to just hang out on occasion.

 

I have three children all older than her so we decided to keep it quiet. I know all her friends and we just hang out and have fun. I know she would text other guys and go out with them, but I kept it cool because I wanted my ex.

 

A few weeks ago, she told me she's pregnant and it’s mine... she doesn’t want our baby. I am conflicted. I wante her now, not my ex. I want to be everything she needs in a man. I want my baby.

 

I’m nervous about what my kids will think. What my family will think. I don’t know if I can be a daddy again.

What can I do? How can I get her to give me a chance to be something real?

 

Tiger, you are all over the place. You are 56 and she is 24 with yourself entering this casual sex relationship with every intention of going back to your wife.

 

Now that she is pregnant, you want to raise the child on your own? With this young woman? DNA testing after the child is born and how do you tell every other person effected that you are a soon to be dad?

 

This is a convoluted situation...it's unclear that you were willing to be with this young lady for much further then a next hang out and now you are talking about the next 18 years of your life.

 

You are already a dad, so you must have a fairly good sense of what is required to raise a child from infancy to adulthood.

 

There hasn't been an indication from your posts that you are lucid/realistic about bringing a new son or daughter into the world with this woman.

 

 

If you are set on having a child at age 56 with a 24 yr old fwb, please follow posters advice on parent counseling. These courses are accessible, Find Support | National Parent Helpline, as well as many others.

 

Please think long term and most important, think about your existing children and the future of this unborn human.

 

You seem fickle about what you truly want, that is no way to bring a life into this world. This said, I wish you well.

[preraph]

I can't in good conscience recommend someone who has had a restraining order for domestic violence placed on him be gifted with either a child or tether a girl half his age to him. I'm sorry, Tiger. I know domestic quarrels can be complex but I can't sentence her to a life of being tied to you in any way, or a child. Your wishful intentions and your reality of how you handle things are not lined up.

 

I am sticking with my original advice, which is leave this girl alone. You're a married man twice her age. Let her decide what to do. It's unfair for you to be influencing her when you know how young and inexperienced she is and how frightened. You talk a good line, but I don't believe you are a good person to start a family with, even if she wanted to, which she doesn't. She simply hasn't got any good options. I didn't even know you were married before when I said the same thing. I didn't even know you had a restraining order for violence.

 

You're too old to have a baby and be there. She is at the age she needs to be getting her education and learning how to make a living for herself before she has kids. You could keel over and die, God forbid, in 10 years, leaving her with no skills to work and support her own child. If she gave the child up to you, the child would have no where to go at all at 10 years old. You're too old for this to be a responsible choice.

 

She can have the baby or not, whatever she wants to do, but you shouldn't keep it yourself.

[nospam99]

Tiger,

 

A conditional vote here for your plan.

 

Conditions:

- she wants to bear the child, regardless of whether she then parents the child

- you actually have the wherewithal to set up a trust fund with sufficient funds to raise the child regardless of your personal ability to be the custodial parent

 

Counter argument 1: she is too young to devote her life to a child

Rebuttal 1: That is her decision, which I agree she should make with much information and thought

Rebuttal 2: Women younger than she is do devote their lives to parenting

Rebuttal 3: Given the prerequisite condition of the trust fund, she doesn't have to devote her life to the child

 

Counter argument 2: You are too old to raise a child

Rebuttal 1: A healthy 56 year old may easily have a healthy 20 years left to raise a child

Case in point: I am 64 and VERY healthy. Not that I would have signed up for it, but I could easily have raised a child on my own for the last eight years and have nothing 'going on' in my life that would change that in the foreseeable future. Stereotypes about ageism are offensive. I would love to see studies about the relative impact of chronological age, as well as actually physical health and lifestyle factors like diet, exercise, and drug, tobacco, and alcohol use on the ability of a 'senior' to care for a growing child. Rebuttal 2: Given the prerequisite condition of the trust fund, the option of a 'nanny' raising the child is in play

[Tiger night]

She came over last night and we went to dinner and then she stayed here. She told me that she couldn’t live with herself if she aborted, and she doesn’t know what to do. I told her on the condition that it’s mine, I’ll take soul responsibility.

 

She was hurt that I suggested it’s not mine, but i think she understood I just have to protect myself. She also said that she’s always been more interested in me than I’ve ever been in her. I don’t think that’s true at all. Ever since my divorce I’ve only wanted her... she was so emotional all night. I just wanted to take all that pain from her.

 

I’m trying to work up the courage to go see my mom and get some support over this.

 

For the record, I would never do anything to harm this woman. I love her.

[Tiger night]

I went and told my mom last night. She was shocked, and I think a little disappointed in me, and said she knew that something was going on when she met the her one day, but decided to not say anything about it. She agreed that I need to be there for her and the baby. She also said I need to tell my kids but had no idea how to do that. So, I’m open to suggestions.

[Els]

Wow. You are completely ignoring all the posts about the effects this arrangement will have on this potential child. It's all me, me, me, me and more me.

 

Does that sound like the makings of a good father to you?

[Els]

Tiger,

 

A conditional vote here for your plan.

 

Conditions:

- she wants to bear the child, regardless of whether she then parents the child

- you actually have the wherewithal to set up a trust fund with sufficient funds to raise the child regardless of your personal ability to be the custodial parent

 

Counter argument 1: she is too young to devote her life to a child

Rebuttal 1: That is her decision, which I agree she should make with much information and thought

Rebuttal 2: Women younger than she is do devote their lives to parenting

Rebuttal 3: Given the prerequisite condition of the trust fund, she doesn't have to devote her life to the child

 

Counter-rebuttal: Just because people HAVE done it doesn't mean that it's recommended to enter knowingly into such a situation. FTR, I also know a 12-yo child who singlehandedly supported his siblings after his parents died, but I wouldn't recommend that either.

 

Counter argument 2: You are too old to raise a child

Rebuttal 1: A healthy 56 year old may easily have a healthy 20 years left to raise a child

Case in point: I am 64 and VERY healthy. Not that I would have signed up for it, but I could easily have raised a child on my own for the last eight years and have nothing 'going on' in my life that would change that in the foreseeable future. Stereotypes about ageism are offensive. I would love to see studies about the relative impact of chronological age, as well as actually physical health and lifestyle factors like diet, exercise, and drug, tobacco, and alcohol use on the ability of a 'senior' to care for a growing child. Rebuttal 2: Given the prerequisite condition of the trust fund, the option of a 'nanny' raising the child is in play

 

Counter-rebuttal: We don't know about the state of the OP's health. In fact, what we do know about his mental health is incredibly worrisome.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wow. You are completely ignoring all the posts about the effects this arrangement will have on this potential child. It's all me, me, me, me and more me.

 

Does that sound like the makings of a good father to you?

 

I'm not sure what he's supposed to do if she's decided to have the baby and not give it up for adoption.

 

I predict she will have the baby, fall in love with the baby, and want to raise it herself. She'll eventually find a partner her own age to be step-dad for the baby and OP will fulfill more of a grandfatherly role.

[nospam99]

I'm not sure what he's supposed to do if she's decided to have the baby and not give it up for adoption.

 

I predict she will have the baby, fall in love with the baby, and want to raise it herself. She'll eventually find a partner her own age to be step-dad for the baby and OP will fulfill more of a grandfatherly role.

 

[sigh] That would be an incredibly 'happy ending'. In spite of being a hopeless romantic myself, I'm not realistically optimistic that a 24 y/o woman is going to find a partner her own age who is going to be willing to raise another man's child. I do hope this situation works out though.

 

I think the biggest variable is how much money Tiger can throw in. A lot has been said about whether or not his physical health will enable him to participate in the child's life. But the money is also important. Plenty of 'professionals' (physicians, lawyers, architects, professors, civil engineers) can 'bring it' financially through their 70s.

[Tiger night]

Wow. You are completely ignoring all the posts about the effects this arrangement will have on this potential child. It's all me, me, me, me and more me.

 

Does that sound like the makings of a good father to you?

 

The advice to let her make her own choice? I’ve done that. I’ll I’ve done is say that I’ll help if she has the baby. I have the money to help her and I’ll do that. She’s the one who doesn’t want to abort. We’ve talked about it and she feels that it’s morally wrong to do. I didn’t make that choice, she has.

 

I have to tell my kids whether we decide to keep it or not because they deserve to know that they have a sibling. What am I supposed to do? Keep it from them?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

[sigh] That would be an incredibly 'happy ending'. In spite of being a hopeless romantic myself, I'm not realistically optimistic that a 24 y/o woman is going to find a partner her own age who is going to be willing to raise another man's child. I do hope this situation works out though.

 

I think it's entirely likely she could find a single dad and they could combine their families and live happily. With financial assistance from Tiger night.

[preraph]

She'll end up without education and on welfare with him paying child support if she keeps the baby. She won't have TIME to date and find a young guy who wants to raise someone else's child.

 

Apparently she hasn't even worked up the nerve to tell her parents yet. I'm sure they'll have a lot to say about what happens next. Maybe they'll end up raising the baby. They're probably younger than he is. If her parents aren't supportive, she will have a hard life. And if her parents were thinking they were done raising kids, they will also have a hard life ahead right when they thought they were done with it and unless they are independently wealthy, it will cause them financial hardship. This affects so many people.

[Tiger night]

She'll end up without education and on welfare with him paying child support if she keeps the baby. She won't have TIME to date and find a young guy who wants to raise someone else's child.

 

Apparently she hasn't even worked up the nerve to tell her parents yet. I'm sure they'll have a lot to say about what happens next. Maybe they'll end up raising the baby. They're probably younger than he is. If her parents aren't supportive, she will have a hard life. And if her parents were thinking they were done raising kids, they will also have a hard life ahead right when they thought they were done with it and unless they are independently wealthy, it will cause them financial hardship. This affects so many people.

 

She has a bachelors degree. When i said earlier she wanted to to go back it was to get a masters degree. She’s the most driven person I know.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She has a bachelors degree. When i said earlier she wanted to to go back it was to get a masters degree. She’s the most driven person I know.

 

Yeah, I highly doubt she's gonna end up on welfare just because she has a baby. A baby with a baby daddy willing to pay child support.

 

Look, this situation is pretty awful. This woman is MUCH too young for you. But I don't think her life is over. I think you need to keep her well being and happiness as a priority, even if that means you're not her romantic partner ever again. (And I don't think you should be)