Curtains on the Marriage - Just feel Paralyzed

[pj-1980]

Hi -

 

New member, stumbled upon this board via Google and it seems to be the place to get advice and things off your chest and I'm in need of both.

 

So some facts:

 

• I'm 37, she's 35.
  
• Married for 8 years - first marriages for us both
  
• Both of us are working parents with two great kids.
  
• One of our kids has special needs and I'm sure that complicated things and will just be a part of life from here on out. I know it hampered our date nights since a baby sitter or family member was needed most of the time.
  

 

Early in our dating era we ended up with the cart before the horse and found out we were expecting about 6 months into the relationship. About two months into the pregnancy, she cheated on me. She eventually came clean about it but it took some prodding and we both went to counseling for months - initially I wanted to break up with her and was angry for months. Eventually tho, we got through it - ended up engaged and married.

 

The marriage for the most part was happy - there were common squabbles:

 

She didn't like the way I spent my money - usually on fixer up bikes that i'd either keep and get running or sell. Or an occasional trip to the Casino twice a year. But we worked through that and came to an understanding.

 

She felt trapped and was not content to stay in the home (home bodies as she called it) just because a sitter was not available and taking our special needs son out in public is a big ordeal. So she was content to go out alone or with her girlfriends without me for years. I always vocalized that she's not putting her spouse first but that was the reality of the situation.

 

I didn't like how she put her job before the family and at one point was traveling 2 or 3 weeks out of the month and I felt like I became the default babysitter. When she was back from her work events she was too tired or too occupied catching up from being out of town so I always felt I was in competition with her work life.

 

About 6-7 months ago she lost her job due to the company folding - and it added more stress into the marriage. She began communicating with an ex boyfriend and lied about it several times. She would not remove him from her facebook for whatever reason and she was adamant that it was platonic and I needed to get over it. She'd tell me she was working late and then drop off the map - say she was getting the bill and be home in 30 mins and arrive 2 hours later. She claims she was meeting girlfriends - maybe she was maybe she wasn't - I don't know.

 

About 3 months ago she said we needed a break and in the same sentence suggested marriage counseling. I said ok and we went to 4 or 5 sessions together and 2 weeks ago displayed the same behavior of going out, not letting me know what she was doing and would be an hour or so late responding to my text messages when she'd be home. All the while, our oldest kept getting his feelings hurt because he didn't know when mom would be home. The behavior was discussed in counseling and she knew it wasn't appropriate and was counter productive to working on the marriage and did it anyway. I suspected at that point she was not interested in saving the marriage.

 

My assumptions were realized on Monday when she said "this isn't working for either of us and I want out of this marriage and I'm not going back to counseling."

 

Gut wrenching to hear and since then I've been just in a fog and feel paralyzed. Why say you want to go to counseling for nothing - your actions don't match your words.

 

I feel like a complete and total failure - as a husband, as a father for the disruption in our childs lives and just as a person right now. I dread moving, moving into an apartment splitting time with the kids and I have no idea how that will work as my job isn't as flexible - she normally drops them off and I pick them up.

 

She's cold as ice but yet occasionally becomes emotional and says she's sorry but this needs to end.

 

I'm not going to beg her to be with me, I know I'm successful in other areas but there's just too many changes for me to process.

 

A majority of my friends were her friends and they've fallen off the map. The few friends I have moved out of state and the two I have in state are married with newborns and can't really be bothered.

 

My social life is in shambles

My married life is shot

My financial situation is ruined

 

Can't seem to get it together to focus on work, barely eating, trying not to display any weakness to her. I haven't been served yet, but I know she's working on it so it's just a timebomb.

 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone and just feel completely lost. I have zero interest in just about everything....all the while I'm back to the default babysitter role while she's out and about without a care in the world.

 

I have no idea how to rebuild my life without her and restart some sort of a normal social life while juggling a special needs child.

 

I've tried to go to an individual counseling twice this week and just can't even talk a few sentences without crying my ass off. I'm paying $85 an hour for someone to watch me cry while I get 8 to 10 sentences out.

 

If you read it this far thanks.

Edited March 22, 2018 by pj-1980

[GorillaTheater]

I'm sorry, PJ. This sucks.

 

 

But she doesn't sound like she was ever All In, to either your marriage or her family. The woman you loved may be more illusion than reality. Folks will tell you that she's cheating, and while that seems likely it's really neither here nor there at this point. She's gone and you need to take control of your life, starting with filing for divorce. Once you take charge of your life again, the healing will start.

[pj-1980]

I'm sorry, PJ. This sucks.

 

 

But she doesn't sound like she was ever All In, to either your marriage or her family. The woman you loved may be more illusion than reality. Folks will tell you that she's cheating, and while that seems likely it's really neither here nor there at this point. She's gone and you need to take control of your life, starting with filing for divorce. Once you take charge of your life again, the healing will start.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

She wants the divorce and is running that show - we've agreed to try to settle things amicably without lawyers - we'll see how that pans out but I still just can't get things in order, had no idea how bad this was going to be. It seems like the person who wants the divorce has it easy and the person being divorced has to pick up the pieces.

[Mr. Lucky]

Folks will tell you that she's cheating, and while that seems likely it's really neither here nor there at this point.

 

pj-1980, the reason it's important you come to terms with her obvious infidelity is so you can drop any illusion she's as conflicted or uncertain as you are.

 

She's not only jumped from the marriage, as GT has pointed out out, but she's already landed somewhere else. As in with somebody else. And it seems, based on your description, it's been going on for some time now.

 

So for your sake, need to take some steps. And in your case, I'd want an attorney's guidance and counsel. You've already seen her version of "settling things amicably" and where it's left you. She's obviously got her plan in place, time for yours. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Listen PJ, you have to hang in there...

 

I am sorry to tell you this, but she has been cheating the whole marriage.

 

This divorce that is going on is not a bad thing.

 

You lost her, or never had her, when you took her back after she cheated. Question, was that incident the Ex or some random guy?

 

You really have a lot to learn, I get that, I was young once.

 

Some of this will be hard to hear but you need to hear it. You don't even begin to realize the extent that you have been a weak man through out your whole marriage. I suspect you just liked the idea of being married and having kids.

 

And, I know, I know, ...wait for it... you thought you were doing the right thing. And if she was not a user and a cheater you may have been.

 

To make matters worse, you need to have your kids DNA tested. Not that it will make any difference about the fact that they are "your" kids, because they are, but dude, you need to know for your sake, and the child's sake.

 

No, don't say that I am crazy, you are young and don't know a lot about this kind of stuff or you would have never married her in the first place.

 

So buddy, you need to get strong, and get ready. Do not trust her to do the right thing, watch her like a hawk and any agreement that you guys are thinking about needs to be looked over by YOUR INDIVIDUAL LAWYER.

 

The next thing that you are thinking is that me and others are really jumping to conclusions. No we are not. There is a pattern to these types of things and your wife checks every box.

 

She probably decided to end it now because whoever her current BF is, is either getting divorced, or gave her the green light to move in together.

 

The most important thing that you don't even realize is that she did you a huge favor.

 

After you get through this, especially the DNA testing, you will be so much better off.

 

It does not feel that way now, but if you do a minimal amount of checking, her phone bill for sure, you will find out who she is currently cheating with.

 

Not that her cheating really matters now. What matters to you is that you realize what kind of woman you mistakenly married, and watch our for yourself and your children.

 

Get strong, stay strong...

[Lowrider93]

Hi Pj

We all really know how much this sucks for you, many

of us have had the floor pulled out from beneath us and

our hearts ripped out too.

You need to know that it's all about you and the children now.

Hold your head high and Do NOT blame yourself for this,

$hit happens and you don't have any control over her now.

I know your hurting badly but you need to get strong

on the inside, for yourself and the children.

[pj-1980]

Hi Pj

We all really know how much this sucks for you, many

of us have had the floor pulled out from beneath us and

our hearts ripped out too.

You need to know that it's all about you and the children now.

Hold your head high and Do NOT blame yourself for this,

$hit happens and you don't have any control over her now.

I know your hurting badly but you need to get strong

on the inside, for yourself and the children.

 

I know I should but I'm just simply unable to do it. It's more than the loss of my wife, its the loss of my home, loss of my support system and just about all my friends to boot.

 

I literally don't have a support system and unsure how to get one. Part of me wanted to go to church on my own this upcoming Sunday but I don't have the confidence for that - I don't want all eyes on me and my visible pain I'm in.

 

I've called my friends that are out of state and they wish they could do more but they are hundreds of miles way. The two friends I have in state are busy with their own lives and family.

[Lowrider93]

Go to church, sit in the back if necessary.

Talk to pastor, check to see about support groups.

If you need it,ask for it. I'll pray for you!

[pj-1980]

Go to church, sit in the back if necessary.

Talk to pastor, check to see about support groups.

If you need it,ask for it. I'll pray for you!

 

If you don't mind, I'll certainly take all the prayers I can get.

 

Is there such as thing as a Divorce Support Group? Never heard of it, but my out of state friend recommended I look into it. And if there is such a thing, I can't help but imagine others are in the same boat.

[Cullenbohannon]

You are on a divorce support group. If you hang out here long enough, these guys will help you turn the tide and it will be you who does the filing.

 

Your journey has started. Read the threads about floating, stoic and a few others. The majority who post on Separation and Divorce are men and they have assisted many. Post, Listen and take advice. Learn the 180 and by the end of summer, your won't recognize who you were.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[WorstFeelingEver]

PJ--Sorry you are here and are going through this, but these guys are 100% correct. Your wife is cheating, as you say, she always goes out, always late coming home, leaves the kids behind to go out, & never tells you anything. AND has her ex boyfriend on Facebook___no, no, no___RED FLAG.

 

I am in the middle to almost the end of divorce after 18 yrs marriage & 2 kids. I came here almost a year ago, (read my thread) almost same thing, what you are going thru....and come to find out, my STBXW had at least an emotional affair, maybe a physical romp & STBX told me she was unhappy, not wanting to work on us and asked me for a divorce & wants nothing to do me. I felt the same as you, losing my wife, family, house, etc..., but after all the crap she put me through, how she treats me & all the emotions, I am ready to move on.

 

You need to stay focused on your kids, as it seems, she is not. You need to work on yourself as well, do not plea/beg her for anything, do not show weakness to her <----(this is unattractive to women) & most importantly, DO NOT MOVE OUT of your home. This here is the toughest thing you will go through, living in same martial home for now___(as I & STBXW are still in our same marital home).

 

Does your STBXW have a support system nearby? ie, family, friends, etc.. You said some of your friends moved away and some are near, but they have young families. Do you have family, siblings, cousins, near you for support?

 

Who does the finances and pays the bills? You NEED to take control of that yesterday & watch what she withdrawals from bank/atm & put a stop to her accessing money. Start to put a little money aside for you, without her knowing, b/c more then likely, she is already doing that to you.

 

Start looking for attorneys ASAP. They normally give 30-60 minutes free consultation. Start gathering all your questions up front for attorney, (as attorney clock starts when you walk in to start talking). I saw 4 different attorneys, each 1 hour free consultation, no charge. Do not automatically pick the first attorney you see, get knowledge from several.

 

You said your wife lost her job. Has she found another job? If not, is she looking for another job? How will she afford an attorney? Is she there for the kids during the day or on weekends? <----Very important for your attorney to know, (as you seem to be taking care of the kids when she goes out).

 

Like BLUES stated, hang in there man. You are in for a tough ride. Stay on this forum, there are a lot of people, in here with great knowledge. You are NOT the 1st guy experiencing this and certainly not the last. A year from now, you will be like me____on here giving advise to other people.

[Cullenbohannon]

Ok, had a few beers and the fiancee has had a shot or 2 (3)

 

First things first. Immediately give up any thoughts of reconciling. Stop with the tears and poor me stuff. If your wife has time to go out with friends, then you have time to do a few things that you need to do. Clean yourself up. Start running and get in shape. Become a better man than you ever were and more than she will ever deserve. From this point forward, consider your wife gone. Do not give up anything. Do not give up the house or the kids without a fight. She has another man. Have her move in with him.

 

Someone will post the 180 soon.

[springy]

If you don't mind, I'll certainly take all the prayers I can get.

 

Is there such as thing as a Divorce Support Group? Never heard of it, but my out of state friend recommended I look into it. And if there is such a thing, I can't help but imagine others are in the same boat.

 

Google DivorceCare support and see if there’s a group in your area. It was very helpful for me at one point in time. I highly recommend giving it a try if you can find one nearby.

[Bigboss2903]

Hey man, sorry to hear that, I'm been divorced for a month after 9 month separation and its still not easy for me ( must hard for her but she since did everything she has moved on already i assume but i dont ask).

 

I have been reading posts of guys still pining over the exes which is understandable so dont feel bad about it... hell i miss my ex wife like crazy but i dont show it.... you have to deal with roller coaster of emotions that's to come.

 

Betrayel is a heavy thing to overcome but you can do it, she cheated and its possible she will do it again as it is a choice she made not yours.

 

Don't worry we have been there, the crying, begging, pleading etc but once you accepted this is your life you will start feeling better....

[Mr. Lucky]

Someone will post the 180 soon.

 

As requested. pj-1980, print this out and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Make it the first thing you see each morning and the last thing each night.

 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lowrider93]

We all know what your feeling, it's like being sucker punched

by your best friend and kicked while your down.

Your head is spinning and you don't know which way is up.

It's alot to take in all at once.

Us folks here are veterans in the collapse of a relationship,

learn from our experience, you'll be better off in the end.

 

She no longer cares about what's best for you, so who will?

 

You will.

[Bigboss2903]

Feel you pain brother.... u seem like a chilled dude :-) no homo

[S2B]

She's cheating and doesn't care what you think/feel now because all she can think about is her OM.

 

Move any and all money into your name only asap (like immediately). If you don't she will take all of it. Close all her credit cards immediately too.

 

File for divorce and DNA test your child. If she cheated on you - you need to be sure it's your biological son. I'm not saying you wouldn't continue being the father but you need proof he's biologically yours given her history before she straps you with a lifetime of financially supporting the child.

 

Get moving. Take charge of your future.