Emotional Affair

[SoftHeart13]

Hi. I’m new to this forum, and I’m so thankful it is here because I have no one to talk to about this. In January a friend from my past and I started chatting online when he revealed to me that he had feelings for me when we were younger. We are both married. Then we started our “emotional affair”. We chatted daily for 6 weeks, like no time had past, so much in common, alike in so many ways. We made plans to meet face to face. Then, his wife found our chats. His last comment to me was I can’t talk to you and don’t reach out to me. That was a month ago. Of course I understand why he had to cut me off, and block me from social media etc. But I am plagued with incredible sadness and loss. I have a million questions, Will her ever reach out to me? Can he if he wanted to? Is he missing me? Did he just shut off his feelings and move on?

I can’t believe I am so heartbroken over him.

[skywriter]

Hi. I’m new to this forum, and I’m so thankful it is here because I have no one to talk to about this. In January a friend from my past and I started chatting online when he revealed to me that he had feelings for me when we were younger. We are both married. Then we started our “emotional affair”. We chatted daily for 6 weeks, like no time had past, so much in common, alike in so many ways. We made plans to meet face to face. Then, his wife found our chats. His last comment to me was I can’t talk to you and don’t reach out to me. That was a month ago. Of course I understand why he had to cut me off, and block me from social media etc. But I am plagued with incredible sadness and loss. I have a million questions, Will her ever reach out to me? Can he if he wanted to? Is he missing me? Did he just shut off his feelings and move on?

I can’t believe I am so heartbroken over him.

 

 

If he were to reach out to you again, knowing that his wife has discovered your EA, what would you expect?

 

How would you react if his wife reveals this discovery to your H?

[SoftHeart13]

I would just want to speak with him. Clearly what we did was wrong. I feel guilt for that. I’m not looking to continue the way we were. He crossed a line and I willingly went along with him.

If she revealed to my H of course I would be upset.

I’m just trying to work through the feelings I am having and wondering what he is thinking right now.

[skywriter]

I would just want to speak with him. Clearly what we did was wrong. I feel guilt for that. I’m not looking to continue the way we were. He crossed a line and I willingly went along with him.

If she revealed to my H of course I would be upset.

I’m just trying to work through the feelings I am having and wondering what he is thinking right now.

 

His last comment to me was I can’t talk to you and don’t reach out to me. That was a month ago. Of course I understand why he had to cut me off, and block me from social media etc. But I am plagued with incredible sadness and loss. I have a million questions, Will her ever reach out to me? Can he if he wanted to? Is he missing me? Did he just shut off his feelings and move on?

 

SoftHeart, I think what you originally posted may provide your answer." Don't reach out to me , I can't talk with you", also being blocked from his social media. He's an adult, he could if he wanted.

 

If you just give yourself time, you'll realize there wasn't any real substance between you two, just fantasy. If it were, he wouldn't have cut you off upon discovery.

 

Would you want more from him if it were possible ? Do you want to stay married?

Edited March 22, 2018 by skywriter

[burnt]

Sadly no one can make you realize how lucky you are that he hasn't reached out to you YET. Sadly, chances are he will do so at some point again and put you through a different level of pain that you haven't experienced YET.

 

Yes, for now you will continue to wish that he contacts you again. But those of us who did get contacted my our xMMs wish so badly that the xMMs didn't contact us after that first initial "break-up".

 

Oh, how truly lucky you are that you haven't gotten a taste of the hellish effect of "push-pull" from your xMM.

 

Yes, affairs are terrible, but from the OWs point of view what you are experiencing now is nothing compared to the experience of "push-pull", being strung along, and being put through a slow-death.

 

On a separate note, you should keep in mind that

in most cases, when a man's cheating is exposed, their wives tend to be forgiving and willing to give "reconciliation" a try.

But, in most cases, when a woman's cheating is exposed, very few men are willing to forgive a cheating wife and very few give "reconciliation" a try.

 

So, while your xMM's wife is being so sweet to "work on the marriage" with him, you need to think about how your husband will treat you if he found out about your affair. "Kick you to the curb" would be a good guess.

 

You are going through hell. I get it. I have been there too. But just keep going and while it will take time, you will be able to put him behind you soon.

 

Write here. Read posts here. Educate yourself and find comfort in the knowledge that what you are feeling, many of us here have felt already.

[SoftHeart13]

Thank you both for your candor. I know I need to move on, and I guess it will get easier. I know that the fact we didn’t meet is a good thing. Wishing will get me nowhere, but I wish he never crossed the line and we were able to exist as reconnected friends as we were when we were young.

As far as my husband goes, he is no angel but that is a discussion for another day.

He left his phone behind and unlocked one day which is how the chats were found and I’m sure his wife is keeping an eye on everything he does. I can’t blame her of course.

Is it so bad that I want to know what he is thinking about me. I know it shouldn’t matter because he is working to keep his marriage together I’m sure. But still, the broken heart in me wants to know.

[skywriter]

SoftHeart13,No it isn't so bad that you are wondering if he's thinking about you, of course, we all want to feel validated as people not just used for whatever...

 

There was a time, years ago that I wondered, and then I just didn't care one way or the other and that was a relief.

 

None of us are angels, and that's what makes us all human and prone to become vulnerable.

[carhill]

Hi. I’m new to this forum, and I’m so thankful it is here because I have no one to talk to about this.

Welcome to LS....

In January a friend from my past and I started chatting online when he revealed to me that he had feelings for me when we were younger. We are both married.

What was your initial reaction? I ask because you never had a relationship with this person, apparently didn't consider one when younger, and are married so presumably in a loving and healthy relationship.

Then we started our “emotional affair”. We chatted daily for 6 weeks, like no time had past, so much in common, alike in so many ways. We made plans to meet face to face.

Seems pretty deep and fast with purely electronic interaction (no talking on phone, right?). Would you say that's typical or out of character for yourself? Any intruding circumstances? Life changes?

Then, his wife found our chats. His last comment to me was I can’t talk to you and don’t reach out to me. That was a month ago. Of course I understand why he had to cut me off, and block me from social media etc.

Always enjoy how quickly people can switch. Seen the same thing with MW's. Poof! However, it was all electronic and you never met nor talked nor pressed flesh to what was there, really?

But I am plagued with incredible sadness and loss. I have a million questions, Will her ever reach out to me? Can he if he wanted to? Is he missing me? Did he just shut off his feelings and move on?

People can do whatever they want to. Choices have consequences. He made his choices. They're outside of your control. Very common. In general, guys have what I came to term as 'boxes'. He pulled out the 'old acquaintance I was attracted to' box, played with it for awhile, got caught playing with it, apparently, and put it away. Will he pull it out again some day? IDK, can't read his mind. Is he missing you? IDK, can't read his mind. If he's a box guy, no. He zero'ed you out when putting the box away. You don't exist. No way of knowing his psychology though.

I can’t believe I am so heartbroken over him.

 

Interesting how that works. A dim memory one had no prior attachment to and all of a sudden a 'he likes me' turns one's world askance.

 

The good news IMO is things ended before meeting, in relatively short order and without substantial intimacy. Compared to some of my past experiences that 'weren't affairs', you developed a mild case of EA'itis. This will pass, you learned something and life will go on. However, it is a good canary to pay attention to. That your attention and care were so easily pulled away from your M indicates further focus on its health is wise. Good wake-up call. Make use of it. Good luck!

[BluesPower]

Good post Carhill...

 

Succinct, informative, get all of the standard facts out there.

 

I will add several random things. Isn't it interesting that so many, almost exclusively, MW in an affair, post in the OW forum.

 

While that is not incorrect, what is interesting is that technically the OW/OM is meant to be a single person that was in an affair with a MM/MW.

 

What is interesting to me is that women who are married, see themselves as an OW getting over a MM instead of a wayward spouse that is involved in infidelity.

 

I am just listing this because I just find it interesting.

 

Now on to OP. As bad as this hurts, you really need to understand that it being emotional and betting broken up early on, is way better for you in a lot of ways.

 

So, since you were not physical yet, trust me it will be easier to get over than if it had become physical.

 

Not saying that it will be easy, but it should be a little easier.

 

As you heal from this experience, you need to learn from in, and think about several things:

 

1) Do you want to be married to your husband. And I am not asking if you are comfortable, and secure, I am asking if you want to be married to your husband.

 

2) While making that decision you also need to understand that while your husband is "no angle", because you have been involved in an affair, your opinion of him has been rewritten downward to some extent. When you are having a relationship with someone besides your spouse, every negative about your spouse is magnified. Every positive is downgraded.

 

So while your marriage is "not great", I may not be as bad as you think because your thinking is off because of the affair.

 

3) You need to understand that even if your marriage is bad, it is not right to have any type of affair. It is just not.

 

So as you heal, you really need to figure out some things in your life...

[Adotta]

Good post Carhill...

 

Succinct, informative, get all of the standard facts out there.

 

I will add several random things. Isn't it interesting that so many, almost exclusively, MW in an affair, post in the OW forum.

 

While that is not incorrect, what is interesting is that technically the OW/OM is meant to be a single person that was in an affair with a MM/MW.

 

What is interesting to me is that women who are married, see themselves as an OW getting over a MM instead of a wayward spouse that is involved in infidelity.

 

I am just listing this because I just find it interesting.

 

Now on to OP. As bad as this hurts, you really need to understand that it being emotional and betting broken up early on, is way better for you in a lot of ways.

 

So, since you were not physical yet, trust me it will be easier to get over than if it had become physical.

 

Not saying that it will be easy, but it should be a little easier.

 

As you heal from this experience, you need to learn from in, and think about several things:

 

1) Do you want to be married to your husband. And I am not asking if you are comfortable, and secure, I am asking if you want to be married to your husband.

 

2) While making that decision you also need to understand that while your husband is "no angle", because you have been involved in an affair, your opinion of him has been rewritten downward to some extent. When you are having a relationship with someone besides your spouse, every negative about your spouse is magnified. Every positive is downgraded.

 

So while your marriage is "not great", I may not be as bad as you think because your thinking is off because of the affair.

 

3) You need to understand that even if your marriage is bad, it is not right to have any type of affair. It is just not.

 

So as you heal, you really need to figure out some things in your life...

 

Nailed it blues.

 

Right on.

 

And I think married women post here because they are afraid of judgment. I think women also have a tendency to basicly right off thier husband. The love chemicals gets flowing and all they can see is the om. Anything that gets in the way of the drama focusing on om offers is ignored.

 

Op I say you need to thank god this us over and realize your marraige is in extreme danger and no matter how much of an angel your husband isn't he doesn't deserve this and even if he DID deserve this you are only insulting and degrading yourself by doing it. Stop letting your desperation get the better of you. Some guy you used to know chats you up for a bit and then go silent and you are devestated. Doesn't that go to show how pathetic you are acting?

 

Work on your marriage. Work on yourself. You have some issues to work on and I think your trying to ignore them and this om was a good distraction for you. He is not the answer.

[SoftHeart13]

I was friends with this man years ago, so yes, there was a friendly relationship. My intention was to be friends with him now as well. But as I said lines were crossed. I take responsibility for my part in it. No there was no physical relationship, but we spoke via phone and chat. And had very deep (non sexual)conversations

This is out of character for me and supposedly him as well, but who knows. I’m sure nostalgia and “what if’s” played into this.

I can spend hours soeaking about my marriage,or lack thereof. There are reasons, which I don’t want to discuss here and Now as to why I stay married to this man. Trust me he is well taken care of, however doing this behind his back was wrong I realize that.

A friend advised me to accept there is someone out in the world that thinks (or thought) I was a special person...and leave it at that and move on.

She also said he will contact me again someday, as Burnt said above, and should prepare myself for that.

Honestly I am heartbroken not because we didn’t have a chance to get together, but because it didn’t have to be like this, if one or both of us controlled ourselves. I am beating myself up, and I am ashamed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him right now. I hope the day when I don’t feel this way comes soon.

[FoundMyStrength]

Hi. I’m new to this forum, and I’m so thankful it is here because I have no one to talk to about this. In January a friend from my past and I started chatting online when he revealed to me that he had feelings for me when we were younger. We are both married. Then we started our “emotional affair”. We chatted daily for 6 weeks, like no time had past, so much in common, alike in so many ways. We made plans to meet face to face. Then, his wife found our chats. His last comment to me was I can’t talk to you and don’t reach out to me. That was a month ago. Of course I understand why he had to cut me off, and block me from social media etc. But I am plagued with incredible sadness and loss. I have a million questions, Will her ever reach out to me? Can he if he wanted to? Is he missing me? Did he just shut off his feelings and move on?

I can’t believe I am so heartbroken over him.

 

Hi Softheart -- I don't post much anymore but your situation is so similar to mine. I had a fairly short emotional affair with a married man. Like you, we connected, had a lot in common, expressed love. When he went back to his home location, it was devastating. Sadness, loss, heartache, just like you. There were a few direct and indirect contacts, but no real contact since.

 

I too often wondered if he missed me, if he thought of me, if it was real. All I can say is that he may or may not get back in touch. But I can vouch for the fact that life will be better without him. You will heal. You will forget him, as much as it's possible to forget anything.

 

All a married man can bring you is pain. They rarely leave their wives, they often come back to hurt you again, and they will never be able to give you what every woman deserves: unconditional love that is not shared and divvied up with another woman. Speaking of that, that's what his wife deserves too. Please stay away from him, for her sake and yours.

[Adotta]

Go read a book called not just friends. It will help.

 

I honestly believe men and women in committed relationships should not have close friends of the opposite sex. Its too dangerous and by the time it's too late you don't even know how it got to that point.

 

And I don't get this don't worry about my husband he is well taken care off bull crap. He isn't well taken care off. His wife is in an emotional affair with another man. I don't care how well you iron his clothes or cook dinner or sex him up he is very close to experiencing THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A MAN.

 

Here is what I suggest op. Stop posting about this om. Right him off. Block him and go no contact for life. It will hurt but too bad. You don't get to be friends with him because you already crossed a line there is no uncrossing and you know it. Any attempt to stay friends with this man is an excuse to keep the affair going. I've seen it a ton on this board. 2 affair partners decide to be just friends and before they know it they are back in the affair. Over and over and over. It's a cycle. The just friends part is an excuse to sooth your guilt all while keeping him around. You don't want to be just friends with this guy and you know it. You are willing to pretend to be just friends for a while anyways.

 

Once you go NC with this guy start posting on the board about your marriage. You thought all of our opinions where good enough to help with your affair issues so why are we not good enough to help you with your marriage issues?

 

The better your marriage becomes the easier it will be to not care about this other man. Unless you think your marriage is basicly garbage and don't really care to even try making it better. Then you need to ask why not divorce. If you don't love your husband or your not getting what you need and can never see yourself getting what you need from your husband then why are you there? Unless a house and money is what you really want from him. And don't tell me about your kids. Children are no excuse to stay married. They just aren't.

[SoftHeart13]

Thank you all for your input.

 

Adotta. Thank you for reminding me I am acting pathetic. You have absolutely no idea what you are taking about regarding mine or anyone else’s marriage. And NO I don’t get a house or money from my husband. And I’m not talking about laundry and sex when I say he is taken care of. It’s assumptions like this that cause people not to want to share on forums like this. As I clearly said I was not here to talk about my marriage I simply wanted to vent and maybe find a coping mechanism from someone who has gone through this situation for which I am Sorry for and have no idea how to deal with. Period.

[skywriter]

SoftHeart, Please continue to post, you are not pathetic and you should feel safe posting here.

There are people here that have had similar experiences and those who haven't and may not relate as well.

Either way, I hope you will continue to post, you deserve to post without judgement.

[treehugger12]

FMS you are so right about your post, I’m not even sure what to call my short fling last year, EA, PA, fling?? Not sure because mine was a short fling, I was preyed on, I believe in my eyes when I look back.

 

I fell so hard for him because he was the first real crush I’d had in over 25 years. He ghosted me right after and I was crushed, not knowing WTH happened, if his wife found texts or what, did he feel such guilt, did it just get out of hand? I had know idea??? I felt like I was left hanging and if bothered me for months. Made me feel so awful, especially running into him here and there. It was like nothing to him, we would flirt a little and came close to getting together a few times but I tried so hard to not let it happen again.

 

It’s taken me months to get over him and finally weeks ago I started to avoid him altogether, I had to quit doing this to myself, the pain was awful, whenever I saw him I’d melt. I never knew what he was thinking, he never communicated with me at all. It’s bothered me for so long I even started my own thread wanting to hear from MM cheating on there wives.

 

I’m close to being over it, it’s just that not knowing what there thinking that can drive a woman insane, I totally get it, but consider yourself lucky that it did not go physical. I think the healing process is a lot harder. I know it’s hard but go NC, your heart will heal in time. We are for you. Keep posting your feelings, that will help. LS got me through it. Warm wishes to you.

 

By the way...you are not pathetic! Your feelings are real, we can’t help what our hearts want. It will get better in time...stay strong. A lot of us here have been in your shoes and understand.

Edited March 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge posts and add paragraphs

[SoftHeart13]

Treehugger. That is exactly how I feel. Logically I know it’s better that it ended; but my heart has been broken. Again what we did was wrong. In time it will heal...but I know how I am, I will always think of him.

[treehugger12]

I so know how your feeling, your heart is aching now. People don’t understand unless they have been through it. I never in a million years would have thought I’d been in that situation but it happened. I know it’s hard but really try to do things to distract yourself from thinking of him. Get with friends, workout, go to the mall, walking or the movies. Do not listen to music that reminds you of him!

I know it’s even harder when you feel like you can’t talk to your friends or family about your situation. I fortunately had a very close friend I could confide in and the helped tremendously. But we are here for you too. Hugs to you:)

[S2B]

Thank you both for your candor. I know I need to move on, and I guess it will get easier. I know that the fact we didn’t meet is a good thing. Wishing will get me nowhere, but I wish he never crossed the line and we were able to exist as reconnected friends as we were when we were young.

As far as my husband goes, he is no angel but that is a discussion for another day.

He left his phone behind and unlocked one day which is how the chats were found and I’m sure his wife is keeping an eye on everything he does. I can’t blame her of course.

Is it so bad that I want to know what he is thinking about me. I know it shouldn’t matter because he is working to keep his marriage together I’m sure. But still, the broken heart in me wants to know.

 

Why don't you get honest with your husband? Tell him about the emotional affair - that will kill off some of the infatuation feelings you're having over this fantasy guy.

[SoftHeart13]

BluesPower, Thank you for your understanding of where I am at right now I’m lost, not thinking straight, I can’t put into clear words what is going on. I never had to deal with this situation and I’m trying to find my way by myself.

 

To those who have been through this, I am just looking to vent and for advice. I thank you for your kindness.

 

To those who think I’m looking for sympathy, be assured no one can beat me up more than I am already doing to myself.

 

I’m human. I screwed up. I opened my heart to someone I shouldn’t have. Believe when I say I am sorry.

[carhill]

Why don't you get honest with your husband? Tell him about the emotional affair - that will kill off some of the infatuation feelings you're having over this fantasy guy.

I can see some solid traction for this advice, presuming the impetus for it is to get the problem out in the open and work it as a team.

 

1. Clears the air. Transparency.

 

2. Men generally care less that their wives are sweet talking with other guys than having sex with them. EA's, in my experience, are definitely the lesser of the two 'evils' of infidelity. For some, EA's are irrelevant. They're not even considered being unfaithful. I noticed a message on my phone last night from one of those. Midnight. Why dear aren't you sound asleep beside H? Yup. Doesn't matter to them.

 

3. Positive moves. Accepting the real. The interaction was real. Its parameters are verifiable. The team will succeed. The marriage will continue.

 

One last thing to ponder on that front. Examine the most long-lived secret or lie you've handled in your M. No one is perfect; every M has some stuff in the closet. How has that gone for you? OK to add another one to the stuff in there? No biggie? If yes, cool, toss it in, shut the door and forget about it. If other, where's the limit? The line? You decide that. Each of us is different, as is each marriage. You know yourself and yours best.

[SoftHeart13]

I’ve had a day to think about what all of have said, and am making an action plan for myself as to why I allowed this to happen; how I need to deal with the loss I feel and how to handle if he ever decides to contact me again. Thanks again for the input. I will continue to read and post.

[S2B]

BluesPower, Thank you for your understanding of where I am at right now I’m lost, not thinking straight, I can’t put into clear words what is going on. I never had to deal with this situation and I’m trying to find my way by myself.

 

To those who have been through this, I am just looking to vent and for advice. I thank you for your kindness.

 

To those who think I’m looking for sympathy, be assured no one can beat me up more than I am already doing to myself.

 

I’m human. I screwed up. I opened my heart to someone I shouldn’t have. Believe when I say I am sorry.

 

Can you work through this with a therapist? It could help.

 

It would be nice to see that you wish to put the amount of effort, energy and steaminess into your marriage - so that the primary relationship has a chance of getting stronger and on solid ground.

 

Can you ask your husband if you two can work on getting/being more connected with each other?

[FMW]

I agree with the great advice that focusing on your marriage will help take away some of the intensity of what you're feeling for this guy, and the idea that much of your feelings are probably about having a distraction from something that you don't want to deal with.

 

I was very infatuated with a guy in college that I was involved with on and off for a few years. For various reasons we eventually lost touch and went our separate ways, eventually both marrying other people. 22 years later my then husband and I moved to a new city and I discovered that my college crush worked at my new workplace (a very large firm).

 

For a while I was kind of obsessed with the idea that we were brought back together for a reason and couldn't stop thinking about him. Soon I started waking up to the fact of the unhappy state of my marriage and realized that it was more about what I was trying to avoid dealing with in my marriage than my feelings for the old crush. Luckily he was/is truly happily married and maintained the appropriate boundaries and nothing happened. Unfortunately I eventually did end up involved in an relationship with a MM because I didn't deal with the issues in my own marriage and was still looking for an escape/distraction.

 

Maybe that's not your case, but give it some thought and see. Even the seemingly aggressively mean posts on LS can be helpful by making you at least think about what's really going on with you.

[Cullenbohannon]

You should focus on your marriage, because you are very close to having your own DDay. A quick search on social media, will reveal who you are and your family information, including your husbands name. If she demanded your information/text/passwords to save the marriage, he gave it to her and went a hard NC.

 

Your affair is no longer a secret. His wife may be getting advice to contact your husband. At any time your husband could get a email, a freind request, a request for a Link.

 

Surely you are aware of your current situation.

Edited March 24, 2018 by Cullenbohannon