Work Affair

[Imajerk17]

I'm curious OP...when you decided to enter into this affair with 'someone you don't ferl strongly about', did it ever occur to you to think of your boyfriend and your commitment to be exclusive to him..... or do you just not care about doing the right thing so long as no one knows about it.

 

Even when you talk about ENDING your affair, it is only about how YOU are feeling. You you you you you. *Your* stress. No mention of the betrayal on others. Talk about selfish....

 

Again, I feel horrible for your boyfriend, a good man deserves a girlfriend who doesn't cheat on him behind his back and justifies it. Poor guy--if only he knew the real story about who is girlfriend REALLY is

Edited March 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Southern Sun]

I don’t know how I even got myself into this.

...He seriously play-harassed me for over a year before I gave in. Why I did I don’t really even know because the first year I tried to avoid him...And now here I am.

 

...It is bad, but it’s fun (mostly, thus the reason I’m here).

 

Sometimes this feels bad... I mean, I like him but I really don’t even know him on a deep level. I’m not in love by any stretch and yet I am frustrated that this whole thing doesn’t feel better...

 

I almost always wait for him to initiate outside communication. He generally calls me after work on his way home. I find myself annoyed when I don’t hear from him when I “normally” would. I feel like I am making my personal worth on whether this guy wants me...

 

Sometimes I want to break it off because I hate that the negative talk takes up a big part of my mind. Then when he is around and things feel more normal I feel ok again...

 

 

Presently. I wanted to commend you for writing here. It's an honest post. It's hard to be this honest.

 

I think sometimes we can just "find ourselves" in an affair. It's not really the truth. Obviously we've made decisions along the way that cause us to have the affair. But when we *feel* like we've just stumbled into it, it's likely a case of poor boundaries mixed with curiosity. As well, there was simply nothing telling you to stop. Have you asked yourself why? Or whatever was originally telling you to stop finally just...went away. What is it about yourself that made having an affair okay? For many people, they have an unspoken rule or agreement with their own integrity. For those of us who "end up" in affairs, we either don't have that agreement, or we sacrifice it, for some reason.

 

Now that you're "here", you are indulging what feels good. But it's also mixed with guilt, which is why it doesn't feel all that great. Where you are right now is in the cycle - it feels good and fun when you do it; then you feel kind of bad afterwards; you wait for him to call and feel really crappy in the meantime; you tell yourself this isn't worth it and wonder why you are going to all these lengths when you don't even really like this guy; and then he swoops in with another special "time" together and the rush comes back and yeah, you say sure baby. Let's do it. Because that feeling makes the bad feelings go away.

 

Maybe this is what I need to knock some sense into me. When I say I don’t know how I got here I don’t mean that I’m not accepting my decision to do so. I only mean that prior to engaging in this I could have said there is no way I would ever. I just wasn’t like that. So how can a person who at least HAD integrity lose it so easily?

 

Because it’s exhilarating. It’s fun. It’s enjoyable. When I’m with him I feel wanted. All selfish reasons, I am aware.

 

I don’t know if I want to continue it because it’s starting to be stressful. That’s why I said it feels bad sometimes. Initially I was thinking it would be no strings attached sex. It’s something I had never done or engaged in and I thought maybe it would just be an easy occasional fling on the side that would never turn into a thing. It seemed less harmful somehow. Now I find myself questioning things and wondering about his thoughts and I don’t want to feel like this. It wasn’t supposed to be anything but I think it’s too hard to separate out emotions. I’m not sure.

 

It's almost impossible to be intimate on a regular basis with someone and not develop feelings.

 

And as I said - you are caught up in the cycle of euphoria, let-down, guilt, pull-away, build-up, then euphoria/exhilaration again.

 

Sometimes it will seem like the right thing to end it. Other times it will seem like a terrible idea.

 

You will WISH you had ended it if/when one of you gets caught.

 

If there is anything I hope you can take from this, it is that I hope you can walk away before more feelings develop. But...I know most people don't take the advice. They need to find out on their own.

[Presently]

I'm curious OP...when you decided to enter into this affair with 'someone you don't ferl strongly about', did it ever occur to you to think of your boyfriend and your commitment to be exclusive to him..... or do you just not care about doing the right thing so long as no one knows about it.

 

Even when you talk about ENDING your affair, it is only about how YOU are feeling. You you you you you. *Your* stress. No mention of the betrayal on others. Talk about selfish....

 

Again, I feel horrible for your boyfriend, a good man deserves a girlfriend who doesn't cheat on him behind his back and justifies it. Poor guy--if only he knew the real story about who is girlfriend REALLY is

 

Okay. Well thanks. Got it. I’m a horrible person and the bf deserves someone else. Would be better off with someone else.

[CatMinx]

Because it’s exhilarating. It’s fun. It’s enjoyable. When I’m with him I feel wanted. All selfish reasons, I am aware.

 

I don’t know if I want to continue it because it’s starting to be stressful. That’s why I said it feels bad sometimes. Initially I was thinking it would be no strings attached sex. It’s something I had never done or engaged in and I thought maybe it would just be an easy occasional fling on the side that would never turn into a thing. It seemed less harmful somehow. Now I find myself questioning things and wondering about his thoughts and I don’t want to feel like this. It wasn’t supposed to be anything but I think it’s too hard to separate out emotions. I’m not sure.

 

Your boyfriend and his wife are not strings? Why not?

 

And what if he’s engaging in other affairs? Are STDs not a factor? What if he passes one to you and you pass one to your boyfriend?

 

I won’t beat you up anymore..it seems like your conscience is starting to kick in..better late than never right?

 

I truly hope you do the right thing here.

[Adotta]

Well gosh I don’t know how I do it, I just DO. I love the guy. Just because I’m being a sh*t right now doesn’t mean I can’t love him.. it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy his company or like our relationship. I don’t love the OM - that would create issues.

 

Then why the hell are you being some other guys unpaid hooker? If you love your boyfriend then why the hell are you betraying him!!! Why why why!!!???? You need to answer that and I don't know is what ****ing children say when asked why they do stupid things. Stop being a damn child.

 

What are you getting from this guy that you can't get from your boyfriend? If it's just sex ( which we all know it isn't anymore because you are waiting on tender hooks for this guy's contact ) then why couldn't you just go to your boyfriend and ask for or seduce some sex out of him. What is sex with boyfriend not good enough?

 

I think this is either you being a selfish woman who wants to run around town ****ing whoever. Or your boyfriend and you are not sexually compatable OR there is something inside of you horribly twisted up. You are acting like a sociopath.

 

You claim to love your boyfriend but you are doing the single worst thing a woman can do to a man to him this whole what he doesn't know won't hurt him crock is total bull****. If I dope you up so you don't feel nothing then stab you in the back and you don't feel it does it mean I didn't hurt you?

 

You need to cut this guy out of your life for one. I would also recomend telling your boyfriend. I know you won't because you are being a coward but who knows. Then you need to look deep inside yourself and find the damn reason you gave yourself to make this ok or desirable enough to do.

 

You need therapy or god or something but as you are now you are a loose Canon who will only hurt the person she claims to love. One day he will find out. One day you will slip up. One day you will think everything is good and the next you will have a boyfriend so pissed so sad so destroyed. Good luck with that. It's your own fault when it happens.

 

I believe you think you love your boyfriend and maybe you do. But that love is probably more like the friend or brother love. I just don't get it. You need therapy. You are damaging a man's life. A man who is devoted to you. You may not care but a human being only has so much time on this planet and you ARE WASTING HIS LIFE. He would be better off finding someone who's love isn't as acidic as your is.

 

If you think your an asset to him as it stands now your are arrogant and narrcacistic beyond belief. You are an anchor. You are stabbing your boyfriend in the heart and being totally ho hum about it. Peoples hearts are not toys girl.

 

Also your boyfriend said if the affair was over he wouldn't want to know. It isn't over is it?

 

This om?? Who gives a **** about him. He's a piece of crap betraying HIS WIFE.

 

Go see a therapist. Hopefully one who will tell you how it is instead of just trying to stroke your ego.

[JDJ]

Okay. Well thanks. Got it. I’m a horrible person and the bf deserves someone else. Would be better off with someone else.

 

I hope the OP means this and tries to make some changes. She should understand that the relationship with her boyfriend is already over, just that he doesn't know it yet. What you have with the boyfriend now is 100% fake happiness because he doesn't know the truth.

 

I doubt he is really happy. I am sure he is already feeling something wrong in his gut.

 

You can check my earlier threads, but I lived through this as the BS. My then wife got pregnant. It could happen to OP too - very few birth control methods are foolproof. She is almost certainly putting the boyfriend at the risk of STDs by having sex with a man who is undoubtedly promiscuous himself. Just imagine that conversation...when you are pregnant but not sure who the father is.

 

In my case, when I found out it pretty much exterminated all of the feeling I had for my then wife. Even without a pregnancy, the chances of keeping an affair a secret for 30-40 years is pretty small. There is even someone on here who found out about his wife's long ago affair when he was over 70. The pain only gets worse the longer the betrayal goes on. And not telling him is certainly part of that betrayal.

 

The fact that the OP is on here means that she has a chance to reduce the damage she is causing. As painful as it may seem, the least damage would be for her to end the affair and then go to the boyfriend and confess, begging for forgiveness. Or just break up with him. Anything else is intentional cruelty, and that is evil, as others have mentioned.

Edited March 22, 2018 by JDJ

[FMW]

Presently - I think your feelings for this man are stronger than you admit, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. And the longer you stay involved, the more you have sex, the stronger your feelings will grow. That's how it works, all those bonding chemicals get a real stronghold.

 

You're getting something you need from him and you need to figure out what that is if you really want to stop. My guess is that whatever that something is, it's missing from your relationship with your boyfriend. Only you can figure that out.

 

Mine may be a controversial view here, but I don't believe that people go outside of their primary relationships if those relationships are truly good (meaning fulfilling and compatible), unless they have a personality disorder. And infidelity is so common, I don't believe that everyone who cheats has a personality disorder. Sadly, just because one person believes the relationship is good doesn't mean their partner does.

 

I said all that to say, be honest with yourself and figure out what you're missing in your relationship with your boyfriend and if it's something that can be fixed. It's normal in a good relationship to be tempted by someone else but not to actually get involved and stay involved with someone else.

[JDJ]

Mine may be a controversial view here, but I don't believe that people go outside of their primary relationships if those relationships are truly good (meaning fulfilling and compatible), unless they have a personality disorder. And infidelity is so common, I don't believe that everyone who cheats has a personality disorder. Sadly, just because one person believes the relationship is good doesn't mean their partner does.

 

 

Not controversial with me. I would agree with that.

[Adotta]

Presently - I think your feelings for this man are stronger than you admit, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. And the longer you stay involved, the more you have sex, the stronger your feelings will grow. That's how it works, all those bonding chemicals get a real stronghold.

 

You're getting something you need from him and you need to figure out what that is if you really want to stop. My guess is that whatever that something is, it's missing from your relationship with your boyfriend. Only you can figure that out.

 

Mine may be a controversial view here, but I don't believe that people go outside of their primary relationships if those relationships are truly good (meaning fulfilling and compatible), unless they have a personality disorder. And infidelity is so common, I don't believe that everyone who cheats has a personality disorder. Sadly, just because one person believes the relationship is good doesn't mean their partner does.

 

I said all that to say, be honest with yourself and figure out what you're missing in your relationship with your boyfriend and if it's something that can be fixed. It's normal in a good relationship to be tempted by someone else but not to actually get involved and stay involved with someone else.

 

She already hinted what she was missing. It's either the excitement an affair offers with the sneaking around and danger of being caught and acting like a bad girl or the thrill of lying. OR her boyfriend and her are not having a good sex life. Maybe he is not the right size for her or the other way around or he has low sex drive. Maybe she isn't attracted anymore. Maybe he is a quick shot or lacks technique. Who knows but I doubt she will answer that.

 

She said she only started this relationship as a no strings just sex arrangement so sex was all she was looking for. I don't believe it is just about sex anymore but when it started it was.

[Imajerk17]

Okay. Well thanks. Got it. I’m a horrible person and the bf deserves someone else. Would be better off with someone else.

 

 

I mean it. Your boyfriend deserves a faithful woman. You are not that woman, so...

 

Look, not everyone cheats. Not by a long shot. So don't justify your stepping out by saying "everyone makes mistakes" because that is just not true.

 

Break up with him and let him find a woman who won't cheat on him!

[Presently]

Presently. I wanted to commend you for writing here. It's an honest post. It's hard to be this honest.

 

I think sometimes we can just "find ourselves" in an affair. It's not really the truth. Obviously we've made decisions along the way that cause us to have the affair. But when we *feel* like we've just stumbled into it, it's likely a case of poor boundaries mixed with curiosity. As well, there was simply nothing telling you to stop. Have you asked yourself why? Or whatever was originally telling you to stop finally just...went away. What is it about yourself that made having an affair okay? For many people, they have an unspoken rule or agreement with their own integrity. For those of us who "end up" in affairs, we either don't have that agreement, or we sacrifice it, for some reason.

 

Now that you're "here", you are indulging what feels good. But it's also mixed with guilt, which is why it doesn't feel all that great. Where you are right now is in the cycle - it feels good and fun when you do it; then you feel kind of bad afterwards; you wait for him to call and feel really crappy in the meantime; you tell yourself this isn't worth it and wonder why you are going to all these lengths when you don't even really like this guy; and then he swoops in with another special "time" together and the rush comes back and yeah, you say sure baby. Let's do it. Because that feeling makes the bad feelings go away.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words. This bolded above is exactly it. Exactly how I am feeling. I'm just caught up in all of this. Some days are worse than others. I just wish I would have never crossed that boundary. I don't think when I break it off it will be a tense or hostile work environment... I actually think he will respect my decision, just perhaps be bummed his fun is coming to an end. If that's all it is for him then he'd have no reason to be mad or hurt or any of those negative feelings that would make the work environment awkward right? What I do worry about is how I reconcile all this in my own head. Even though this is really nothing I still feel this sense of loss somehow and I just want to get past this and move on with my life. I want to get back to where I was, to a place where "this" and "he" was not occupying time in my head at all. I don't want him as a distraction anymore.

 

 

It's almost impossible to be intimate on a regular basis with someone and not develop feelings.

 

And as I said - you are caught up in the cycle of euphoria, let-down, guilt, pull-away, build-up, then euphoria/exhilaration again.

 

Sometimes it will seem like the right thing to end it. Other times it will seem like a terrible idea.

 

You will WISH you had ended it if/when one of you gets caught.

 

If there is anything I hope you can take from this, it is that I hope you can walk away before more feelings develop. But...I know most people don't take the advice. They need to find out on their own.

 

Some days it does seem like a terrible idea, you are right. I truthfully spend more time questioning and analyzing every little thing about "this" than I do enjoying what little there is to be had. I don't want to develop real feelings for him, this is for sure.

[Presently]

She already hinted what she was missing. It's either the excitement an affair offers with the sneaking around and danger of being caught and acting like a bad girl or the thrill of lying. OR her boyfriend and her are not having a good sex life. Maybe he is not the right size for her or the other way around or he has low sex drive. Maybe she isn't attracted anymore. Maybe he is a quick shot or lacks technique. Who knows but I doubt she will answer that.

 

She said she only started this relationship as a no strings just sex arrangement so sex was all she was looking for. I don't believe it is just about sex anymore but when it started it was.

 

This affair was not my idea. This was HIS idea. I am guilty yes, but it's not as if I sought him out. He would hang around my desk and make comments and this went on for over a year. He made me nervous and I didn't know whether to take him seriously or what. We went out for coffee and I say this innocently - coffee does not automatically equal intent to cheat. It was at that point that he touched my hand.. touched my knee. I truly was not expecting it. I was completely caught off guard and didn't know how to react. I SHOULD have just never met up with him again.

 

My bf is great in bed.. most of the time. He is better in bed than OM in terms of satisfying me. OM is new and exciting and obviously my bf is familiar and less exciting, but he actually IS better and he knows what I like. OM seems like he wants to please but truthfully it takes a while (at least for me) to get truly comfortable with someone enough for them to figure out what makes me tick, and OM & I are not there. It's just the thrill of the moment at present.

 

The bf has a few quirks in bed that I really don't like but am pretty certain it will never change. It has to do with his preferences and watching porn. I've lived the porn issue with my ex-h and I give up trying to have any control over it at all. I'll either deal with it or I won't. Since you asked: sometimes he makes me feel cheap if you really wanna know... I don't always want to have to "gag" when I give him a bj and sometimes I don't like the bedroom talk because I know it's straight outta porn. It's frustrating to me that he has such a hard time cumming from a BJ, if at all, and sometimes in sex as well. Sometimes he jacks off too much and wrecks our intimacy. And don't even get me started on his anal fetish. These things make me feel like sh*t sometimes.

 

Now all that ^^^^^ being said, I am not blaming him for my infidelity. But you asked so I'm being honest. With the OM at least so far there hasn't been a single of the aforementioned issues which has been.... validating to me I think. It's just something that is, but it's not an excuse.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Presently

[Presently]

Presently - I think your feelings for this man are stronger than you admit, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. And the longer you stay involved, the more you have sex, the stronger your feelings will grow. That's how it works, all those bonding chemicals get a real stronghold.

 

You're getting something you need from him and you need to figure out what that is if you really want to stop. My guess is that whatever that something is, it's missing from your relationship with your boyfriend. Only you can figure that out.

 

Mine may be a controversial view here, but I don't believe that people go outside of their primary relationships if those relationships are truly good (meaning fulfilling and compatible), unless they have a personality disorder. And infidelity is so common, I don't believe that everyone who cheats has a personality disorder. Sadly, just because one person believes the relationship is good doesn't mean their partner does.

 

I said all that to say, be honest with yourself and figure out what you're missing in your relationship with your boyfriend and if it's something that can be fixed. It's normal in a good relationship to be tempted by someone else but not to actually get involved and stay involved with someone else.

 

I don't plan on staying involved with him. The idea of breaking it off is stressful simply because of what that entails, but "this" has certainly has been challenging in ways I did not expect.

 

The relationship I have with my bf is "mostly" fulfilling and compatible. I do love him and we have so much in common however there is always room for improvement. On both our parts. I don't think we are broken and need fixing, but perhaps a tune-up. And I of course will have to ditch the affair.

[CatMinx]

Oh honey..the ‘it wasn’t my idea, he pursued me’ excuse doesn’t work. Does that mean you have slept with every single guy who’s ever shown interest in you? If so, you must be in the hundreds by now, and riddled with disease.

 

You did something terrible. YOU did. It doesn’t matter what he’s done or who flirted with whom..the fact of the matter is that YOU decided to enter into the affair, YOU decided that neither your career nor your boyfriend mattered as much to you as this other mans penis, and YOU actively participated in this affair.

 

What he’s done is entirely on him, and what you’ve done is entirely on you. Any price you pay now is entirely your own fault.

 

You need to own that. You messed up, it’s on you and only you to fix it.

[Imajerk17]

I don't plan on staying involved with him. The idea of breaking it off is stressful simply because of what that entails, but "this" has certainly has been challenging in ways I did not expect.

 

The relationship I have with my bf is "mostly" fulfilling and compatible. I do love him and we have so much in common however there is always room for improvement. On both our parts. I don't think we are broken and need fixing, but perhaps a tune-up. And I of course will have to ditch the affair.

 

What do you even mean by this? You were indeed broken, your relationship right now is one big lie, because unbeknownst to your boyfriend, you were opening yourself up to another man!

 

If you think this is too harsh, why don't you tell your boyfriend the full story. See what HE thinks.

 

You need to tell your boyfriend what happened. Seriously.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Presently]

Oh honey..the ‘it wasn’t my idea, he pursued me’ excuse doesn’t work. Does that mean you have slept with every single guy who’s ever shown interest in you? If so, you must be in the hundreds by now, and riddled with disease.

 

You did something terrible. YOU did. It doesn’t matter what he’s done or who flirted with whom..the fact of the matter is that YOU decided to enter into the affair, YOU decided that neither your career nor your boyfriend mattered as much to you as this other mans penis, and YOU actively participated in this affair.

 

What he’s done is entirely on him, and what you’ve done is entirely on you. Any price you pay now is entirely your own fault.

 

You need to own that. You messed up, it’s on you and only you to fix it.

 

I'm not making excuses. This was just in response to another poster. I know what MY part is in this.

[JDJ]

 

The relationship I have with my bf is "mostly" fulfilling and compatible. I do love him and we have so much in common however there is always room for improvement. On both our parts. I don't think we are broken and need fixing, but perhaps a tune-up. And I of course will have to ditch the affair.

 

Once you wrap your head around what you've done, you'll understand that you should have written this in the past tense.

 

The relationship I had with my bf was "mostly" fulfilling and compatible. I did love him and we had so much in common however there was always room for improvement. On both our parts. I didn't think we were broken and needed fixing, but perhaps a tune-up. And I of course should have ditched the affair.

 

Your relationship with your bf is already severely broken, and you will have to go a long way to fix it.

[Presently]

What do you even mean by this? You were indeed broken, your relationship right now is one big lie, because unbeknownst to your boyfriend, you were opening yourself up to another man!

 

If you think this is too harsh, why don't you tell your boyfriend the full story. See what HE thinks.

 

You need to tell your boyfriend what happened. Seriously.

 

What do I mean?? That I might have f*cked up but it doesn't mean that everything my bf and I have is a big farce. He doesn't even know, and I'm not telling him no matter how many people on here try to convince me. Sorry but that's not ALWAYS the fix! THAT would ruin a bunch of lives. And the contrary, ending an affair that was never more than just sex would NOT ruin a bunch of lives. I'm not in love with the guy - THAT would be very jagged pill to swallow for my bf, much harder to swallow than a few sexual encounters that would never go anywhere.

 

Perhaps this makes me a shmuck, but telling him is not the right thing to do. It's just not. You can continue to berate me.. I know I did this to myself but this does not mean that everything is forever broken now with the bf.

[Presently]

It's interesting how much support can be found on this forum for other people in very similar situations. Or other women involved with MM. I have yet to see some of the berating to them that I have experienced in this thread.

 

Just so you all know, I knew prior to posting here that I was the guilty one. Never have I made an excuse for my behavior. Never have I said I don't give a crap about what my boyfriend thinks or feels. Hell yes I feel guilty. I'm trying to juggle those emotions with what this affair is doing to my head, but it doesn't make me heartless. It doesn't mean I don't love my bf either. What, you guys have never heard of a man that can love 2 women, or a woman that can be in love with 2 men? THAT scenario hasn't been posted about on this forum? How is that possible and yet I "cannot" and "do not" love my bf if I've had an affair??

[DKT3]

What do I mean?? That I might have f*cked up but it doesn't mean that everything my bf and I have is a big farce. He doesn't even know, and I'm not telling him no matter how many people on here try to convince me. Sorry but that's not ALWAYS the fix! THAT would ruin a bunch of lives. And the contrary, ending an affair that was never more than just sex would NOT ruin a bunch of lives. I'm not in love with the guy - THAT would be very jagged pill to swallow for my bf, much harder to swallow than a few sexual encounters that would never go anywhere.

 

Perhaps this makes me a shmuck, but telling him is not the right thing to do. It's just not. You can continue to berate me.. I know I did this to myself but this does not mean that everything is forever broken now with the bf.

Well it kinda does make it a farce because he actually has no idea what kind of woman he is in a relationship with.

[Presently]

Well it kinda does make it a farce because he actually has no idea what kind of woman he is in a relationship with.

 

Right. The whole relationship. Ok then.

[DKT3]

Right. The whole relationship. Ok then.

 

Yes, the whole relationship. I know as the wrong party in this situation you don't really want to face consequences of what you're doing it's all part of the selfish mentality that is required to maintain an affair.

 

You see lies lead to lies, and cheating is never, EVEN the first step in deceptive behavior. Of course you will say "I've never done anything like this" maybe, but you've done things that slowly got you to the point that you felt it was ok.

[JDJ]

I am glad that Presently is here engaging with the commenters. It shows that she is thinking about her situation. I don't think posters here are trying to "berate" her, but perhaps to wake her up to the reality of the situation.

 

Yes, on this board, people having affairs with MM may not come in for criticism, if they are single. But Presently wants to keep her boyfriend, describing that as a serious committed relationship.

 

People can have feelings, attractions, some physical contact with multiple partners. Even love two people at once. But a woman having two PIV relationships simultaneously is a big problem for men. Some might even say a dealbreaker. And that's where people really need to own up and control their actions.

 

The likelihood is that at some point your bf will find out what happened, whether from the MM, from office gossip, from some social media slip up --- hopefully not from STD or pregnancy, although that can easily happen too, as I know from experience. The later he finds out, the more it will destroy him. If you don't tell him now, unless you are a world-class compartmentalizer, you will be wondering every day of the rest of your life if that will be the day he finds something out to make him suspect you. Because in his gut he already knows something is wrong. If you're not going to tell, you need to be able to deal with that.

[Imajerk17]

What do I mean?? That I might have f*cked up but it doesn't mean that everything my bf and I have is a big farce. He doesn't even know, and I'm not telling him no matter how many people on here try to convince me. Sorry but that's not ALWAYS the fix! THAT would ruin a bunch of lives. And the contrary, ending an affair that was never more than just sex would NOT ruin a bunch of lives. I'm not in love with the guy - THAT would be very jagged pill to swallow for my bf, much harder to swallow than a few sexual encounters that would never go anywhere.

Perhaps this makes me a shmuck, but telling him is not the right thing to do. It's just not. You can continue to berate me.. I know I did this to myself but this does not mean that everything is forever broken now with the bf.

 

 

No young lady, the affair ITSELF is what ruined lives. You already crossed that bridge and hocked your relationship with your boyfriend when you decided to ignore your commitment to be faithful to him and open your legs up for another man, basically throwing away everything you and your boyfriend had for "just sex".

 

Meanwhile it is abundantly clear that, even though you profess feeling some guilt, that you have NO IDEA of the gravity of your choices. NO idea. You severely dishonored your boyfriend by getting with another man. You also seem to lack integrity, thinking you can go ahead and do stuff behind your boyfriend's back but as long as he doesn't know, it is OK or rather not that bad.

 

Your relationship with your boyfriend is in EXTREMELY serious trouble right now. For one thing, he has no idea of the type of woman he is in a relationship with! You know, the type who can smile to his face and then stab him in the back by getting with another man.

 

RE the second snippet bolded--you don't seem to understand men very well. That you did all this and risked so much for something that mean that little to you--that is going to make your boyfriend even MORE angry.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Adotta]

It's interesting how much support can be found on this forum for other people in very similar situations. Or other women involved with MM. I have yet to see some of the berating to them that I have experienced in this thread.

 

Just so you all know, I knew prior to posting here that I was the guilty one. Never have I made an excuse for my behavior. Never have I said I don't give a crap about what my boyfriend thinks or feels. Hell yes I feel guilty. I'm trying to juggle those emotions with what this affair is doing to my head, but it doesn't make me heartless. It doesn't mean I don't love my bf either. What, you guys have never heard of a man that can love 2 women, or a woman that can be in love with 2 men? THAT scenario hasn't been posted about on this forum? How is that possible and yet I "cannot" and "do not" love my bf if I've had an affair??

 

Yes I have heard about it. I just don't believe it. Whenever I have loved someone the desire to have thier body to myself has ALWAYS been there. So if I am not willing to share her body with others but willing to share mine it's not love. It's ownership. It's a desire to own her with no reciprocation.

 

And yes you HAVE been making excuses. "I'm not the only one. other people cheat too! He came on to me. It wasn't supposed to start out like this. We where just getting coffee." All excuses.

 

And about the coffee. The guy has been hitting on you for YEARS. You knew exactly what his game plan was when you went for coffee. You just where not sure if you wanted to play along quite yet. You should have warned him years ago that if he kept bothering you, you would report him to hr or the boss. You should have thrown a brick wall up in front of his advances. Instead you ignored and allowed it to continue. That was the green light in his eyes. You should have been mean if need be.

 

Try reading "not just friends". I think you may have poor boundries.

 

And your talk about your sex life with your boyfriend is the first bit of progress I have seen. You can NOT IGNORE THIS. As it is he is making you feel cheap and under appreciated. That can not continue! You may even being doing all this out of Resentment without even knowing it.

 

His porn addiction has got to stop. He has to stop treating sex with you like a damn porno. Porn is so god damn destructful to a healthy sex life if you start treating it like it mirrors real life. It DOESN'T. your boyfriend sounds almost juvenile on his concept of what sex means. He sounds like he want to be dominating and agressive beyond what your comfortable with. Keep ignoring this and the divide between you and him will only grow. Learning to settle for meh or ok or good enough is NOT ENOUGH. Yes maybe this guy can give you an orgasm but he obviously isn't making you feel sexy, empowered, beautiful, respected, special and so many other things a woman enjoys feeling in bed. Most women at least. He is treating you like a porn star when I'm guessing you want to feel like a queen. Adored and loved. Not a piece of meat. He can please your body all he wants but if he doesn't please your heart and head as well its only half baked sex. One without the other is almost useless.

 

This om has got to go. And yes even if he doesn't have feeling for you he WILL continue to chase you. He doesn't want to lose his booty call. He will try to play the gentleman because if he doesn't he will reveal the dirt bag that's beneath the mask but he WILL continue to make advances. He will weedle and nudge you untill you either put him in his place and threaten to tell his wife or boss or leave and never contact him again and block him. This guy is NOT honorable. Don't for a second think he has your best interests at heart. He doesnt. This man is cheating on his WIFE. An even larger ( by a pretty big margin ) betrayal then yours. You are a great big ego boost for him. He will not want to give that up just like a crack user won't give up the pipe.

 

I get it your feeling guilty. I'm going to choose to believe that. The reason people are being so harsh on you right now is because up to this point we have not seen almost any of that guilt. We have seen alot of excuses and rationalizations. We have seen a whole lot of you hinting that you think what your doing isn't really that bad. Maybe we are wrong.... maybe. A first good step to being accepted and not being beaten up ( especially on this sub forum ) is accepting responsibility for what has been done.

 

I hope was wrong. I hope you can get past this. I hope you can live a fulfilling life with your boyfriend. I don't want to make you feel like crap. But if making you feel like crap is what pushes you onto the right track I WILL do it.

 

Your not evil. I don't really belive there are many evil people in the world. But you are perpetuating acts that can and will hurt somone you love. You need to dig into your head and find out WHY. Why why why. It's so important. Just ask you self WHY.