Is she a real friend?

[elenalaughterlove10]

I have known Maggie for a long time and I was even her maid of honour. I wouldn't call her my very best friend, just because she's always been emotionally distant, never really talked about her issues, she listened to mine but it was never really genuine...more like she was curious, not empathetic. She doesn't seem to have any other close friends apart from me, whereas I have a group of friends I like to call close, but I definitely do not socialise only with her.

 

A few weeks ago Maggie's husband's cousin Sarah was supposed to visit from another state. I had met Sarah on a few previous occasions and even stepped in when Maggie couldn't take her to a play. I told Sarah to let me know when she's back in town and we could all hang out. So Maggie notified me Sarah was coming and we made plans to meet on Friday. Maggie warned me she didn't know the exact time Sarah would come but I said I would keep my schedule flexible for the day. Maggie and I were also supposed to hang out on Saturday with another friend. So Friday morning I get a message from Mags: Hey, see you tomorrow?

 

I'm confused and I tell her: weren't we supposed to meet today? (We have only been talking about it for the past three days.) To which she says:

Sarah invited Alex and didn't tell us, so I thought it would be awkward. But if you want to come you can come.

 

Let me explain. Alex is Maggie's husband's good friend. We had a brief and terrible relationship after which he publicly insulted me and victimised himself to the point I was physically sick. After our break up Maggie listened to me about it, but ended up socialising with Alex a lot more. Every weekend was booked for him. I get it, he is her husband's friend, but I am her maid of honour. Shouldn't I have been chosen over Alex sometimes? I never was. I always got an afterwork or lunch break coffee, when she had some time to spare or kill. Alex got all of the trips. Alex and Sarah are kind of friends, I suspect she liked him and didn't want his ex around (even though the last time she saw us - at the wedding - we were more than friendly, people actually thought we would get back together - so maybe that was the problem). I get Sarah, she nagged me about the play when she needed me, but basically wanted Alex. And I wouldn't have been bothered by it, but this is what happened next.

 

I got upset because my friend Maggie played dumb. She wasn't honest and had I not asked her what happened with the arrangement for that day, she would have just continued to play dumb. It hurt like hell, especially taking into consideration she's already socialising with Alex a lot more. Then Maggie accused me of being dramatic. She said now Sarah feels awful because of me (wtf, how is that my fault) and not everybody has to suffer because Alex and I broke up.

 

Then Sarah sends me a text saying she has decided last minute to travel to our state if I want to join (such a dumb lie, I have known about her coming for days), she didn't owe me anything but tried to pretend she was interested in hanging out with me. Stick by your actions!

 

So both Maggie and Sarah blew me off, I have plenty of friends without feeling like a reject, and this is not the first time Maggie is playing dumb when it suits her. And I am sick of it. Am I overreacting?

 

PS just realised I published this in the dating section, can I change that?

Edited March 22, 2018 by elenalaughterlove10
mistake

[preraph]

The first little faux pas I see is that you invited yourself to hang out with those two for when Sarah arrived. Technically, it should have been up to Maggie, who is hosting Sarah and is Sarah's cousin, to invite you if she wanted to.

 

So forgive them for whatever went down after that because you needed to be invited, not invite yourself. Just let it go. It honestly sounded like when she told you they didn't know when Sarah would arrive and they would get together, that that was maybe a hint for you to back down. Instead, you said you'd be waiting for whenever.

[elenalaughterlove10]

The first little faux pas I see is that you invited yourself to hang out with those two for when Sarah arrived. Technically, it should have been up to Maggie, who is hosting Sarah and is Sarah's cousin, to invite you if she wanted to.

 

So forgive them for whatever went down after that because you needed to be invited, not invite yourself. Just let it go. It honestly sounded like when she told you they didn't know when Sarah would arrive and they would get together, that that was maybe a hint for you to back down. Instead, you said you'd be waiting for whenever.

 

I am not sure how you got the impression I invited myself. Maggie did in fact invite me, explicitly invited me, I did not invite myself. In fact, she insisted and checked with me if I would come on several different occasions.

[elenalaughterlove10]

The first little faux pas I see is that you invited yourself to hang out with those two for when Sarah arrived. Technically, it should have been up to Maggie, who is hosting Sarah and is Sarah's cousin, to invite you if she wanted to.

 

So forgive them for whatever went down after that because you needed to be invited, not invite yourself. Just let it go. It honestly sounded like when she told you they didn't know when Sarah would arrive and they would get together, that that was maybe a hint for you to back down. Instead, you said you'd be waiting for whenever.

 

Sarah did not invite me, probably because she wanted to hang out with my ex without me in the picture. Which I kind of get. But then she lied to me and pretended she was worried and hurt. That bothered me. I never said anything to Sarah, Sarah is not my friend, and after that little incident - she won't be. My beef is with Maggie, my friend, who invited me to hang out with her and Sarah and then played dumb. I know her - she wanted me there, and then when she realised last minute Sarah invited Alex, she was like: Oh sh**! Let's just pretend nothing happened and sweep it under the carpet cause I don't want to deal with this.

[preraph]

"I told Sarah to let me know when she's back in town and we could all hang out."

 

That is what I was going by. So you're now saying that Maggie did invite you prior to you inviting yourself with Sarah, and that Sarah did not follow up and invite you after you told her to?

[elenalaughterlove10]

"I told Sarah to let me know when she's back in town and we could all hang out."

 

That is what I was going by. So you're now saying that Maggie did invite you prior to you inviting yourself with Sarah, and that Sarah did not follow up and invite you after you told her to?

 

Sorry if my original post was confusing.

 

Timeline:

 

Three weeks ago out of the blew I get a message from Sarah (whom I hadn't seen for months and added on FB as you do), that she is in town and was supposed to go to a play with Maggie, but Maggie couldn't so maybe I would like to instead. (this was me doing Maggie a favour so her husband's cousin Sarah wouldn't have to go alone) I thought it was a bit weird since Sarah and I had never spoken before but I did it and we had fun. As we were parting our ways I casually added: We should hang out next time you're in town! She said: Totally! I am sure I mentioned to Maggie I thought Sarah was pretty cool after this.

 

Two weeks ago I get a text from Maggie: Hey, Sarah is coming in a few days if you want to hang with us. I say: yes! I only assumed she ran it by Sarah so I didn't go into any additional confirming with Sarah. It was after all my friend Maggie asking me to hang out with her. Maggie and I texted about the details for the next few days and Maggie told me she didn't know exactly when Sarah was free (as it was an organised trip) but she would let me know when Sarah gets to town.

 

A week ago, on the day of us meeting, I get a text from Maggie: See you tomorrow? (for the other appointment we had made with another friend) .....

 

When I call her out on playing dumb, she says she had no idea Sarah would invite Alex and Sarah didn't tell her until the last minute. Which again is fine. But as my friend and as her maid of honour, I feel I deserved enough respect and honesty to be told the truth and not played dumb with. The only issue I had with Sarah was her texting me about an hour after my discussion with Maggie telling me she had made a last minute decision of coming to town if I wanted to join. That was such an obvious lie. My issue with Maggie is that she should have had enough decency to tell me: Look, there was a confusion, Sarah invited Alex, so if you don't feel comfortable coming don't and if you do that's fine. Really sorry about this, I know I invited you but I just didn't know Alex would get invited...

 

Especially since she knew Alex and I were talking at the time, so there was no real issue there. Instead, she called me dramatic because I got offended at her playing dumb.

[kendahke]

Since you have plenty of friends, cut the cord with these two. She's been showing you for a while that she's not the friend to you you've always known her not to be.

 

Also, since Alex and Sarah are both Maggie's husband's friend/cousin, I'm guessing they know of the toxic nature of your relationship and therefore were trying to find a diplomatic way of rectifying the issue of who was hanging with whom on Friday night.

 

So ok, Friday is out of the picture since Sarah wanted to hang out with Alex... but Maggie didn't do anything wrong, IMO, by confirming Saturday, which were your plans with her all along?

 

Is this more about you being pissed that Alex is all up in the mix and you've still got unresolved issues with him?

Edited March 22, 2018 by kendahke

[kendahke]

But as my friend and as her maid of honour,

 

I wouldn't call her my very best friend, just because she's always been emotionally distant, never really talked about her issues, she listened to mine but it was never really genuine...more like she was curious, not empathetic. She doesn't seem to have any other close friends apart from me, whereas I have a group of friends I like to call close, but I definitely do not socialise only with her.

 

A friend you're not very close to, someone who you wouldn't call your best friend and who you are here dragging. I think your point is negated in light of how you described how you actually feel about Maggie. You sound like you're doing Maggie a favor by being a frenemy.

 

You want her to treat with you in a way you won't with her.

 

Well, I don't think this is a hill to die on. If the offense is that great, just quit dealing with them.

[elenalaughterlove10]

Since you have plenty of friends, cut the cord with these two. She's been showing you for a while that she's not the friend to you you've always known her not to be.

 

Also, since Alex and Sarah are both Maggie's husband's friend/cousin, I'm guessing they know of the toxic nature of your relationship and therefore were trying to find a diplomatic way of rectifying the issue of who was hanging with whom on Friday night.

 

So ok, Friday is out of the picture since Sarah wanted to hang out with Alex... but Maggie didn't do anything wrong, IMO, by confirming Saturday, which were your plans with her all along?

 

Is this more about you being pissed that Alex is all up in the mix and you've still got unresolved issues with him?

 

I feel I am not explaining this well at all. Maggie and I had made TWO appointments. For BOTH of these it was HER inviting me. The first one was Friday with Sarah, the second one was Saturday with someone else. So the only message I expected from Maggie on Friday was: Ok, we are meeting Sarah in an hour. Cause she told me she would message me about the exact time of hanging out on that particular day. So yes, we had made an appointment for Friday. But once Maggie found out Sarah had invited Alex, she didn't have the guts to tell me and instead decided to ignore our entire Friday appointment (the appointment we had texted about for the previous three days) and move straight on to the Saturday one which has nothing to do with Sarah or Alex.

[preraph]

Well, what's done is done. Honestly, I think it was more up to Sarah to tell you since she's the one invited Alex and knew you had history. I think you should forgive Maggie because who knows if Sarah told her not to tell or whatever, but even if she didn't, Maggie was put in an awkward position of conveying to you something Sarah should have done, but maybe Sarah didn't feel close enough to tell you or feel like telling you, who knows.

 

I wouldn't hold it against Maggie though. She didn't create the situation. She was suprised by it too. No need to stay friends with Sarah really.

[CC12]

Mags: Hey, see you tomorrow?

 

This was a jerk move on Maggie's part. You're right to be annoyed/upset about this. She should have just told you what was going on instead of trying to sidestep it and pretend you guys didn't make plans for that evening. And the "Well, you can still come if you want" was pretty jerky, as well.

 

I'm guessing that Maggie is a totally non-confrontational person, handles conflict poorly, and is not great at communicating. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you, she just didn't know how to navigate this awkward situation.

 

Is she a real friend? It's possible that you're not a priority for her. But the way you described your friendship, you don't seem to find her that big of a priority, either. You seem to want her and expect her to find you more important than you find her. That doesn't mean you can't be friends. You just have to adjust your expectations.

 

Are you overreacting or being a drama queen? It depends on how you handled it. If there was screaming, crying, name-calling, then yes. If you were calmly explained that you were hurt by it, then no.

 

Have you had a conversation with Maggie since then? What was said?

[elenalaughterlove10]

This was a jerk move on Maggie's part. You're right to be annoyed/upset about this. She should have just told you what was going on instead of trying to sidestep it and pretend you guys didn't make plans for that evening. And the "Well, you can still come if you want" was pretty jerky, as well.

 

I'm guessing that Maggie is a totally non-confrontational person, handles conflict poorly, and is not great at communicating. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you, she just didn't know how to navigate this awkward situation.

 

Is she a real friend? It's possible that you're not a priority for her. But the way you described your friendship, you don't seem to find her that big of a priority, either. You seem to want her and expect her to find you more important than you find her. That doesn't mean you can't be friends. You just have to adjust your expectations.

 

Are you overreacting or being a drama queen? It depends on how you handled it. If there was screaming, crying, name-calling, then yes. If you were calmly explained that you were hurt by it, then no.

 

Have you had a conversation with Maggie since then? What was said?

 

Thank you. Finally someone who gets it!

 

It was such a jerky move. All I knew when I woke up that morning was that the girl whose maid of honour I was, and I would spend the day together, after SHE had invited me and discussed the details of this event for three days.

 

I didn't cry or call anybody names, I did get upset with her and we started a mini discussion. I told her I think she is constantly making my ex a priority and I don't like it. She called me dramatic and said that now Sarah is feeling bad because of me. How was that my fault? Was she trying to guilt trip me? I didn't write anything to Sarah and even when Sarah contacted me with her obvious "last minute decision" lie, I just politely declined. Maggie told me not everybody has to suffer because my ex and I broke up. That really hurt, especially since she was there when we broke up and knew how broken I was post break up. I didn't start the mess that happened that day and the girl whose maid of honour I was - accused me of exactly that. Even Maggie's husband said Sarah was the one to blame.

 

Maggie doesn't do confrontations - with anyone. She is also a very calculative person, which took a while for me to figure out. She didn't want to hurt me - because she didn't think about me. She didn't think about how I would feel. This is the problem. She never does. It seems to me the only person she cares about is her. I used to care a lot about her, but things like these made me see I could never fully rely on her.

 

We have hung out twice, but didn't really discuss it. This is not the first time I am telling her I don't like her behaviour when it comes to how she handles situations with my ex and me. The thing is, as hurt as I am, I am ready to let her go. Life is too short to waste it on people who don't appreciate me. Maggie doesn't have any other close friends apart from me, and this is how she treats me?

 

The problem is, I have started distancing myself from her but she messages me every day, invites for coffee every other day, like she senses I am drifting away. I know it's all for show, I can just feel it. She doesn't have anyone else but me (and her great husband) and his friends naturally.