Please Help Me...Honesty Only

[bodhismommy]

This will be a good one guys...My husband and I have been together for three years. When we got together I had 2 sons from a previous relationship. The youngest son was just 1 year old. A year into our relationship we had another baby...who is now 2. I took off the last 2 years to stay home with the kids and now am working full time. The last vacation my husband took was a year and a half ago, until July 1st. We spent 4,000 on a week long vacation, then about 2 weeks ago another $1,000 on a weekend. My husband grew up with A LOT of money, and puts great emphasis of a persons worth on it.

 

He came home last week and was so excited about this idea of starting his own business. I thought it was great, he has always lacked a little in motivation...but has great ideas. He came home and discussed it with me, I was excited for him. he said in a few years I can stay home and run the office for him etc etc etc. He phoned my mom and told her that we were coming over to talk about it on sunday. (he never phones my mom) She said he sounded so excited. Sunday came and he had to work a few hours. He said he was tired and didn't feel like going to my mom's. I had promised the kids they were staying at my mother's and so I took them out there and told him I would be home by around 4pm. He called at 3...at my mother's and told me he was going to his brother's...he wanted to have a visit alone with him. His brother doesn't really like me or the kids.

 

Monday he told his brother he was leaving me. Tuesday he told me. We watched a movie and after I told him I had been thinking about the business thing. I said "let's do it. We will go see a financial planner and do what we have to. For you let's do it." he then proceeded to tell me that he wasn't in love with me. That he loved me, but felt there was no chemistry anymore. he said that he was too young, and had 3 kids. But then denied it was the money. He also said that there was no other woman.(I believe him, he is never out without me)

 

I believe that he is confused and frustrated, and I understand why. He had very big plans with his life and they have not been realized. He said that he is willing to try and work on things, but living separately at least for now. He says that we have not financially moved forward in three years and that he feels depressed. He feels he has given everything to us for 3 years and taken nothing for himself. He told me last night that if we do work things out he will move wherever we are, and not to worry about him being tied into a lease.

 

I told him I had gone out for dinner and he questioned me thoroughly about who, what where etc...Why if he doesn't love me? Why be jealous? I feel like maybe his brother, who wants to leave his wife but wont, has encouraged this action. It would have eventually probably happened anyways...but I have this gut feeling.

 

Does he really want to try? Is it the financial (which he has not fully admitted)? And finally...is there any hope? The woman he fell in love with was strong, independent and self-assured...somehow I lost that over the last 2 years...could that be it? Please help me.

[dgiirl]

Bodhismommy, first let me say I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I know first hand the pain it causes when your stbxh comes home and announces this out of the blue.

 

However, since you asked for honesty, my first gut instinct says there's another woman only because some of the pieces of your story sound very familiar to my own. Unless you are with him 24/7, dont be so sure there isnt. I'm not saying there is. I'm just saying you should be open to the idea there could be. My stbxh corresponded with his woman via email and lunches during work. He still denies they had an affair, even if it was an emotional one instead of physical.

 

If you want to try to save your marriage, you could read up the material on marriagebuilders.com and divorcebusting. They give you some ideas on how to figure out the problems in the marriage, and hopefully find a way to resolve them. Unfortunately, I do not have very much other advice to offer. My stbxh made this decision and never faltered on his decision. It's been 6+ months now, and I'm ready to move on with my own life. I'm glad you noticed that you've lost a bit of yourself in this relationship too. It's one step towards healing yourself so you can think clearly in order to do what's best for YOU and your kids.

 

Good luck!

 

*hugs*

[bodhismommy]

So does it mean that he necessarily doesn't want to try? I just am so confused, he is sending mixed messages about how much he wants to try, and the only thing he will say is that he is confused...which I believe. How do you know if he is being serious?

[sundrop]

So does it mean that he necessarily doesn't want to try? I just am so confused, he is sending mixed messages about how much he wants to try, and the only thing he will say is that he is confused...which I believe. How do you know if he is being serious?

 

Tell him you want to go to marriage counseling. If he really wants this to work he will go.

I told my ex husband this when he wanted to reconsile, and he said he would go to counseling, we went to one session and then he came up with excuses, so I knew he wasn't serious. But during tht session the counseler told me I had little or no self esteem (he took this from me, without me realizing it) and I needed to go back for some counseling myself, which I did and it was the best thing I ever did.

 

It sounds like to me your husband has some issues that he needs to work out. You can go to counseling as a couple or go seperatly and then together, whatever works best for you both.

[RecordProducer]

Bodhismommy, I feel for you. It's probably all the reasons you stated there, but I have a feeling that it's the children most of all. Two of them are very small and he feels stuck with them and only one of them is his.

The love he feels for you is also in the shade of too many obligation and responsibilities. He wants to breathe freely, feel the taste of life, make money and enjoy. And he feels like you're invading his motivation for life and independence.

When I married my ex-husband he had a one-year old daughter whose mother died in a car accident. We had out twins right away so we faced a life full of obligations, worries, fights, and responsibilities from the very start. Nothing seemed fun for us. He left me and we both became more carefree.

He moved in with his parents, had only one kid to look after, he gave us money as much as he wanted; I moved in with my mom, she helped me around the kids, they grew up (they are 7 now), I started working, dating other people, etc. So basically I was better off than him.

 

The only thing you can do to save your marriage is to separate and take care of your kids while he does his thing (starts the business). You can date each other during this time. You have to be cheerful and sweet to him.

However, if you get back together within a year or so, I wouldn't count much on this marriage.

For start try marriage counseling, but it won't change how he feels. In any case, try to let him engage in the business and you take care of the children more than him. And don't expect him to take care of the kids from your previous marriage.

[suegail]

He's so mixed up, and he's selfish. He's as selfish as a person can be. If I'm reading this correctly, it seems to me he was high on this idea of a new business and he was excited for himself and excited for you. Something changed. Maybe he did have a conversation with his brother and he was told 'hey, you've got the expense of this family and all the responsibility. You'll never make it the way you want to make it unless you get single.' He's crying the blues about how he can't get ahead and it's because he's sacrificed for his family. Well, excuse me, that's what you do for your family. He married you knowing what he was taking on. He accepted that role, but now sees you and the kids as standing between him and dreams of success.

 

My friend, if he insists on this, if he insists on separating, my advice to you is to go straight to court and file divorce papers. I think he won't want that because it's going to cost him. I think he'll want a separation with no legal papers and no divorce because that way he can control the amount of financial support he gives you. He's telling you he wants to separate but will be willing to work on the relationship. It's nonsense. Total nonsense. Don't accept it on those terms. Take him to court and get him under court ordered agreement of splitting property and payment for care of your family.

 

It is about money. It all fits if you just look at how this all came about. He's depressed, sure...that's his problem. What he has decided to do about it is just outrageous. I can't believe how calm and understanding you are being about it all. I admire you for that, but I hope you'll get just a little ticked off and I just hope you won't allow him to keep you hanging on with false promises whilst he's building his glorious prosperous future.

[droopydad]

Marriage is a two way street, obviously he wants to change it to a one way. If he really cared about you he would never want to leave you. As far as starting a business goes, there's nothing like the support you can get from your family and loved ones to smooth out the bumps and bring perspective to what you're doing. I worked for 11 years straight with no vacation or extended time off, just to get ahead and support my family, but I was always there when my wife or kids needed me or for special events. One cannot put money ahead of family and loved ones, if you do, you've decided where your priorities are. I'm thinking if he doesn't leave you now, he will later if his business catches on, to enjoy the fruits of his labor. Seems to me he has a vision of what he wanted his life to be, and he's trying to attain it regardless of the cost to you and the kids.

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree with Dgirl- something smells fishy here! If I were you at the very least I'd investigate the computer and his cell phone. No harm in that is what I say. If his cell phone company is online you can get a copy of the bills...... If you don't find anything, great, but I'm afraid more is going on here than money.

 

Could be that he's selfish. It sounds like to me he doesn't want to be a grownup. I think you should also talk to an atty to protect yourself financially. While you're sitting and being confused, he's making plans. You need to too!

 

Suggest marriage counseling. Tell him if he's so willing to work it out then he should at least go. See how he handles that.

[bodhismommy]

Thanks so much you guys. This is so hard, but getting easier to breath through every day. The hard part is being unavailable. Not calling him, not emailing, not begging. I didn't call on Monday, made myself watch the clock until I knew it was to late to. He called Tuesday night...for no particular reason, to say hello. He asked about what I had been up to, I was cheerful. We talked for 30 minutes or so and then he had to go.(cell phone) I checked his visa online, and his phone records...nothing there. I checked his bank account, nothing there either. Why did he call? Why does he ask so many questions about where I am going and with who? My god I feel like I am in this dark, lonely place and the wrong move pushes him right away at this point. God I miss him. I know he is wrong and selfish and the worst type of coward, but I love him so much. What is wrong with me?

[RecordProducer]

However, if you get back together within a year or so, I wouldn't count much on this marriage.

 

Sorry, I meant if you don't get back within a year...

 

Nothing is wrong with you. It's okay to miss him, you're not a machine to turn off the button. He put you on standby and you are in a limbo. that's the worst feeling and we all have it when we are abandoned by the one we love.

 

I don't want to be pessimistic, but he might have decided to leave you and is simply afarid to tell you that upfront. There was a poster here on LS who asked how to leave and not hurt his wife; wheter to tell her that they need to separate temporarily first. And another poster also on LS actually did that. Asked his wife for a temporary separation while he had a crush on another woman and had no intention to come back ever.

 

My advice, consider that you have to move on and it will be easier for you in a certain way while being nice to him. date other people. He is afarid of that so give him motivation to come back. Post your profile on a few dating sites and go out with many guys. He will soon realize that he may lose you easily.