Narcissistic abuse

[Romantic_Antics]

It took me awhile to figure out why I have had such a difficult time handling my break up until I stumbled upon some YouTube videos about narcissists and narcissistic abuse. The more I watched, the more I was convinced that I was unwittingly the victim of narcissistic abuse. Every video I watched might as well have been about her.

 

Yes, her. That's the other reason I mostly kept to myself about it until recently. Who's going to believe that a man, and a well-built weight lifter no less, is a "victim" of abuse?

 

My ex played out the narcissist's relationship cycle to a T. First was the love bombing phase, which sets up the painful and confusing devaluation phase. My devaluation consisted of being compulsively lied to, having my health issues and struggles minimized and upstaged, being ignored, treated rudely and snapped at for no apparent reason, as well as a litany of inconsiderate behavior. I'll spare the gory details, but ultimately it was all unfulfilled fantasy with nothing real that left me with tons of questions.

 

When I finally put my foot down and decided I was tired of being treated this way, calling her out on the lies and shady/suspect things about her that never added up, we broke up and she completely ghosted on me. You might be thinking that I should've considered it a blessing and dusted my hands of this woman without another thought, but the complete ghosting, or discard, when I had so many questions eventually became very damaging. It's why I am *adamantly* opposed to the No Contact Rule outside of, ironically, abusive relationships and extreme circumstances, ie, threats, violence, stalking.

 

If, however, there's a lot of confusion, unanswered questions, or unresolved issues on the table and a former lover reaches out to attempt to have a mature discussion for the sake of clarity, closure, and even peace of mind then it is just further narcissistic abuse to completely ignore that person. I understand the merits of No Contact, but consider the fact that it is a selfish act by its very nature. It's about you and your healing. But what if your complete radio silence causes undo suffering in the other person who begins to question everything and even blame himself/herself?

 

It seems like basic human decency is a rare delicacy in an age where we want to unceremoniously throw the people who once loved us, and whom we loved, in the garbage, treating them like less than strangers (most of you would sooner say hello to a complete stranger crossing the street than a former lover) and even as enemies. I'm 40 years old and not once in my entire life have I done that to an ex. Most of the time we've remained friends for varying lengths of time with one of them still being my best friend 17 years later.

 

If any ex of mine ever wanted to talk, to gain perspective, clarity, or closure I gave it without hesitation and to the best of my abilities. In no way did it ever hinder my ability to move on and in most cases it helped. Once upon a time this was not only the healthy thing to do, but the right thing to do. Now, in this information age where we can hide behind our cellphones and laptops, it's "F*** 'em, onto the next". I believe it's this very same mentality that has cultivated so many narcissistic relationships to begin with. And believe me, they aren't that easy to get over and can be very damaging - haunting a person for months, years, and even lifetimes.

 

I wish I'd never met this person and thanks to No Contact "strategies" I will never get any answers and will have to get over the narcissistic cycle of abuse filled with doubts and questions. This is a part of the sick game that they play. They know you will eventually blame yourself as their silence speaks louder than your words. This is the dark side of No Contact that gets swept under the proverbial rug.

 

Thanks for reading. If you encounter a narcissist, run the other way and don't look back. They're emotional vampires that will suck out your very soul.

Edited March 23, 2018 by Romantic_Antics

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry that you are hurt confused & struggling. However, you need to recognize that closure comes from within, not the other person. She doesn't have the answers you seek. If she had those kinds of communications skills and the willingness to use them, you would not have broken up because your relationship would have been healthier; she would not have lied to you.

 

Once somebody starts behaving badly in a relationship -- lying; minimizing a partner's health issues; being rude etc. you just get out. You don't sit there wondering about their motives & trying to figure out why they stopped being on the best behavior they exhibited during the honeymoon phase. You conclude that the awful stuff is the real them & you move along

 

When you protect yourself & have appropriate boundaries you won't end up in quagmires like this.

[skywriter]

Romantic_Antics

 

If, however, there's a lot of confusion, unanswered questions, or unresolved issues on the table and a former lover reaches out to attempt to have a mature discussion for the sake of clarity, closure, and even peace of mind then it is just further narcissistic abuse to completely ignore that person. I understand the merits of No Contact, but consider the fact that it is a selfish act by its very nature. It's about you and your healing. But what if your complete radio silence causes undo suffering in the other person who begins to question everything and even blame himself/herself?

 

It's not the No Contact that's causing undo suffering , it's the reason for the NC that is causing the suffering. You posted it yourself, the woman is an emotional vampire.

 

The only way to deal with a vampire is cut off contact, once you've shed light on their ways. Vampires don't appreciate you shining light on their behavior.

 

Don't second guess your choice, to appease, your mourning the end. Go through and you'll appreciate that you did eventually. You would be so disappointed if you try to rationalize for the sake of closure, you create closure by not opening up the opportunity for more nonsense from a narcissistic abuser, who will turn it around on you.They can't be wrong. It's crazy making.

Edited March 23, 2018 by skywriter

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Narcissistic abuse is as bad or worse than other types of abuse

[Romantic_Antics]

Thank you for your replies. They're appreciated.

 

I wanted to dip back in here anyways to say that I made some real progress over the past couple of days, including burning every last thing I had that was associated with her in my fireplace. I'm sure the neighbors found it a little odd to see smoke coming from my chimney when it's 70 degrees outside, but it was totally worth it. There was something very liberating in removing every last tangible reminder of her from my life in such a permanent fashion.

 

I also had the above-mentioned (in my OP) female friend of 17 years tell me tonight that she still has feelings for me. I'm not ready for anything, and she knows this, but I've honestly always thought of her as more than just a former lover and best friend so it was a pleasant surprise that also helped me think about somebody other than the ex for a change. Who knows what the future holds. One day at a time...