she left - but will it last?

[somanymistakes]

Is there anything you can do at the beginning of what might become an affair, any honorable compromise to deal with the situation of believing that you are truly in love with a married man? If pursuing him is wrong because he's married, but dropping him is also wrong because you love him, what is a smart person supposed to do in that situation before things get out of control?

 

i'm interested in that question in general but if you want to hear my story...

 

He's not some man I met at work who was hiding his ring, he's my ex, the only one I ever really loved, who I dated for four years back in college and broke up with ten years ago due to my own unresolved issues. We've been "friends" ever since, but I know he never got over me and it's been awkward for him watching me go through a string of terrible relationships while he tried to be supportive. We always kept in touch and always still cared about each other. Finally after some therapy and a lot of soul-searching, I got my head on straight and wanted a good man in my life. Of course, in the meantime, he married someone else.

 

If they were happy I would leave it at that and try to be happy for him, but they've only been married a year and they are already wondering if they've made a mistake. He's confided in me about their problems just like I always confided in him, except this time we both admit we are still in love with each other and want to get back together, if only he weren't married. He's never cheated on anyone in his life, that's more something I would have done. That's the problem. We're both worried that I'm only feeling this way about him because he's not available, and that if he does leave his wife for me, I'll lose interest and dump him again, and then everyone loses.

 

If I sound like a pretty terrible person, that's why I chose this username. I have made a lot of mistakes.

 

We have not so far had a physical affair, but the things we've said to each other would destroy his wife if she knew. I know I have to try and let go and be just friends if he does choose her, but I still have hope. They haven't been married long, I've known him a lot longer than she has, and they don't have children. He might still choose me.

 

I don't know what else I can do at this point other than wait and avoid being alone with him in person. I don't want to be a homewrecker but I don't want to give him up either. If he leaves her for me but we don't sleep together until they're separated, is it still wrong?

[Foreverago]

You say were going through terrible relationships, but he wasn't. He found someone he loved enough to propose to, without something like a surprise pregnancy driving it or some other reason to want a shotgun wedding. He married someone else willingly.

 

He's WRONG for bringing his marriage issues to you, because you aren't a friend and are still looking out for your own interests. You don't have dibs on him just because you've known him longer. And he's not all that great of a guy for his own actions, by the way. Say it with me: emotional affairs are wrong.

 

I'm sorry for coming off harsh, but get more therapy. Your head still isn't on straight if you think this path is a good one. If a relationship were to be rekindled, it has to happen organically and not based on deceit and what if's. Its been years since you dated, even if he were single, he's also an entirely different person than back then. You are very likely completely different people in a romantic sense than you were and you are toying with the idea of trying to have an affair over a fantasy.

 

Don't you, he and she deserve more than that? Sure, being selfish feels great in the moment, but so does eating pounds of decadent chocolate when you are on a strict diet. The aftermath is oftentimes ugly and self defeating.

[Satu]

snip

We have not so far had a physical affair, but the things we've said to each other would destroy his wife if she knew. *I know I have to try and let go and be just friends if he does choose her, but I still have hope. They haven't been married long, I've known him a lot longer than she has, and they don't have children. He might still choose me.

 

*No. You can't be friends.

 

Neither of you have healthy boundaries, and if you try to be friends, you will quickly find yourself in a physical affair.

 

You are already in an emotional affair, and thats not good.

 

So forget being 'friends.'

 

Go back to counselling and pick up where you left off.

 

 

Take care.

[whichwayisup]

Is there anything you can do at the beginning of what might become an affair, any honorable compromise to deal with the situation of believing that you are truly in love with a married man? If pursuing him is wrong because he's married, but dropping him is also wrong because you love him, what is a smart person supposed to do in that situation before things get out of control?

 

He isn't yours to take. He's married. You respect that and understand that even though you love him/in love with him, you stay away. Dropping him isn't wrong, it's the right thing to do. to keep things in control, you end it before it goes any further. You grieve the loss and heal from it, don't look back.

[malvern99]

Is there anything you can do at the beginning of what might become an affair, any honorable compromise to deal with the situation of believing that you are truly in love with a married man? If pursuing him is wrong because he's married, but dropping him is also wrong because you love him, what is a smart person supposed to do in that situation before things get out of control?

 

There are no honorable compromises when it comes to affairs. As harsh as it may sound, lying and sneaking are mutually exclusive with honorable. Pursuing a married person is wrong on its face. There is no if about it. Leaving him and his marriage is alone is the only honorable thing to do. If he really wants to be with you and only you, I guarantee you he will find his own way home. He will divorce his wife and chase after you. Then you can have a relationship in the light day that does not include lying and sneaking. That relationship will be much stronger and much more authentic than an A. It will be real.

 

Dropping him is not wrong because you love him. Your love for him must allow him the space to find his own happiness. If that is with you, then demand he do it the right way where he does not have to keep you hidden like a dirty little secret. You deserve nothing less than being the only one he is with versus being one of his stable of women. If his happiness is with his wife, then you must accept that, and put him in your rear view mirror. There are plenty of fish out there. Good luck to you.

 

One last thing... if he loves you like you love him, he would move heaven and earth to be with you. Nothing would stop him. Don't buy the whole "give me some time" line. Call him out on his bull. It's either now or never. Put him in a corner, and you are more likely to see how he truly feels about you.

[FoundMyStrength]

The thing I realized as an OW is that love, while a powerful and amazing emotion, doesn't actually excuse everything that's wrong with an affair. Even my xMM used to tell me that I had nothing to feel guilty about because I loved him and my love was "pure." Pish posh. I was a woman cuddling up with and telling another woman's husband that I loved him. I was damaging their marriage, inch by inch, day by day, and excusing it under the cover of love. I still love him, but now that I'm back to my sane self, I realized that that's actually a reason for me to stay as far away from him as possible.

 

Let him figure out his marriage without you being involved. If it doesn't work out and he still wants to pursue something with you, then you can let love enter the equation.

[NTV]

Why are you writing this like you are a victim of your own emotions?

[HeCantBreakMe]

Is there anything you can do at the beginning of what might become an affair, any honorable compromise to deal with the situation of believing that you are truly in love with a married man? If pursuing him is wrong because he's married, but dropping him is also wrong because you love him, what is a smart person supposed to do in that situation before things get out of control?

 

i'm interested in that question in general but if you want to hear my story...

 

He's not some man I met at work who was hiding his ring, he's my ex, the only one I ever really loved, who I dated for four years back in college and broke up with ten years ago due to my own unresolved issues. We've been "friends" ever since, but I know he never got over me and it's been awkward for him watching me go through a string of terrible relationships while he tried to be supportive. We always kept in touch and always still cared about each other. Finally after some therapy and a lot of soul-searching, I got my head on straight and wanted a good man in my life. Of course, in the meantime, he married someone else.

 

If they were happy I would leave it at that and try to be happy for him, but they've only been married a year and they are already wondering if they've made a mistake. He's confided in me about their problems just like I always confided in him, except this time we both admit we are still in love with each other and want to get back together, if only he weren't married. He's never cheated on anyone in his life, that's more something I would have done. That's the problem. We're both worried that I'm only feeling this way about him because he's not available, and that if he does leave his wife for me, I'll lose interest and dump him again, and then everyone loses.

 

If I sound like a pretty terrible person, that's why I chose this username. I have made a lot of mistakes.

 

We have not so far had a physical affair, but the things we've said to each other would destroy his wife if she knew. I know I have to try and let go and be just friends if he does choose her, but I still have hope. They haven't been married long, I've known him a lot longer than she has, and they don't have children. He might still choose me.

 

I don't know what else I can do at this point other than wait and avoid being alone with him in person. I don't want to be a homewrecker but I don't want to give him up either. If he leaves her for me but we don't sleep together until they're separated, is it still wrong?

 

Yup- walk away. There is no honor amongst thieves- and affairs rob you of everything you thought you knew about life and about yourself.

[Poppy47]

He chose to marry somebody else.

 

What more do you need to know. YOU are not his choice. End of story.

 

Poppy.

[freengreen]

If only I could rewind and replay... EA is sometimes worst than a PA. I was in one. You are already in pain, if you dont stop here, nothing is going to get better.

Edited December 12, 2016 by freengreen

[somanymistakes]

He chose to marry somebody else.

 

What more do you need to know. YOU are not his choice. End of story.

 

Poppy.

 

He married someone else because he thought he could never get me back. I was always his first choice. He said even if I'd shown up on the wedding day and said "Don't marry her, marry me" he would have gone with me.

 

If being apart for ten years and seeing other people hasnt made us stop wanting each other I dont see how anything else will either.

[elaine567]

He married someone else because he thought he could never get me back. I was always his first choice. He said even if I'd shown up on the wedding day and said "Don't marry her, marry me" he would have gone with me.

 

That is not necessarily true. That is what he tells you.

 

The truth is that besotted exes make great Other Women.

They are so "in love" that they will put up with just about anything to get a bit of him. MM trawl around social media looking for exes. They are looking for the one that has some lingering affection for him so he can persuade her to be his "extra". All that gunk about never forgetting you and that you were really the "one" is par for the course. Women love all that stuff.

 

Yes, he is married but he could walk away this minute if he really wanted you. Marriage does not come with a literal ball and chain.

He is stalling because like so many MM, he would be very happy having two besotted women at his beck and call.

Huge ego boost.

 

Words are just words, actions are what matter. If he is not packing his stuff up and moving out and away from his "sham" marriage, then he is just stringing you along.

 

How it usually pans out.

EA turns into PA, he IS leaving her, only not just yet.

She gets pregnant, he can't leave her when she is pregnant can he?

The child is a toddler, she gets pregnant again "by mistake", they are only room-mates after all...

YOU sit on the sidelines "waiting" for him to leave, whilst he gets on with his life. You watch alone whilst they celebrate birthdays and family events and go on family holidays, buy new houses and cars, and have a great life.

YOU are the dirty little secret, his wife must NEVER find out about and if she does then he will dump you like a piece of dirt he scraped off his shoe.

 

Do not do this to yourself. Surely you want a better life?

[Darren Steez]

We've been "friends" ever since, but I know he never got over me and it's been awkward for him watching me go through a string of terrible relationships while he tried to be supportive.

 

This is very telling. So now that this guy found someone else, you now want him?

 

For 10 years you were good friends who never so much as slept with each other, but you were ok with him awkwardly watching you while you dated guy after guy..of course always leaning on him for "emotional" support.

 

So now he's married, you want him, or at least you won't do the decent thing and let him go.

 

You say it's ten years of seeing other people just not once did you two actually make a go of it, instead now after he's married, you now want what you can't have.

 

This has more to do with you than him. Of course it takes two to tango, but there's nothing noble here. 10 years while he watched you and you could have picked him.

[somanymistakes]

I know

 

All I can say is that I wasn't ready, but if he does fix things with her and stay with her then I have to be okay with that because she's a better person than I am and I want him to be happy.

[freengreen]

I know

 

All I can say is that I wasn't ready, but if he does fix things with her and stay with her then I have to be okay with that because she's a better person than I am and I want him to be happy.

Oh you dont worry anout him alright, hes been taking care of himself ever since. Who is taking care of YOU?

[aileD]

If pursuing him is wrong because he's married, but dropping him is also wrong because you love him, what is a smart person supposed to do in that situation before things get out of control?

 

Dropping kg him because you love him is not wrong. It's actually the best thing to remove yourself from his life because you will always be a threat to his marriage because of your feelings.

 

And if you love someone ....truly...you want the best for them, respect them, and sacrifice your own needs sometimes if appropriate.

 

If you're not willing to walk away from this man to ensure you have no part in destroying his marriage---then you don't really "love" him.

[Birdies]

Setting aside the morality of the issue for a minute, as it's been well-covered here... (And I am in complete agreement with the others: as much as this very well may be love, it's still a soul-destroying and immoral process to be involved in a man deceiving and destroying his wife, whether or not there were physical relations. But we all, or most of us at least, have found ourselves in a similar situation, so I am withholding judgement on right or wrong. Just be very, very careful not to rationalize or justify things just because you haven't had sex with him. This is still cheating.)

 

Logistically, if you two are actually going to be together, all you can do is tell him that you are cutting off contact now. If he contacts you on X date (say, two months from now) with a signed divorce decree and an independent living situation, you'll be happy to explore a legitimate relationship together. If not, you will move on and not look back. And then STAY no contact with him, wait until the date in question, and see what happens.

 

You CANNOT be friends or even be in contact if he chooses to stay with his wife. It would be completely cruel and unfair to his wife, and it will prevent either of you from moving on.

[somanymistakes]

An update of sorts. You'll still hate me, and I'll still probably deserve it, but at least it's a different story than the standard workplace affair.

 

We have not gone physical. We have continued to stay away from each other and mostly limit our contact to one long phone call a week. We exchanged christmas cards. His was from him and his wife, and that did make me feel pretty rotten, knowing that she'd signed it thinking I was just a friend. That, combined with the amount we've been flirting, made it clear to me that we really were doing too much behind her back, and I pushed him to come clean to her.

 

Which he did. She's understandably upset.

 

He refuses to give me up as a friend or stop talking to me, though we're trying to back off on the flirting and just talk about movies and television, while they try to figure out whether their marriage is worth saving.

 

I should be okay with this. It was what I wanted, and at least they're both talking about the problem now instead of him just stewing about it on his own. But I feel worse about it than I expected I would. I keep wanting to get reassurances from him about how he feels, even though I know how he feels and we both agreed to cool it. At the same time I keep asking him if I should give him some space for a while so that I'm not in the way, but he doesn't want me to go.

 

I'm not going to pretend I'm doing anything right here, I'm probably making things worse, that's what I'm good at, after all.

[Poppy47]

He married someone else because he thought he could never get me back. I was always his first choice. He said even if I'd shown up on the wedding day and said "Don't marry her, marry me" he would have gone with me.

 

If being apart for ten years and seeing other people hasnt made us stop wanting each other I dont see how anything else will either.

 

That might or might not be true. That's what HE says. If you asked his wife, she might have a different view.

 

Anyway, he is married now with a small child.

 

It's not your place to get involved with him ever again. You need to turn your back and find your own life without him.

 

Poppy.

[somanymistakes]

I think you're mixing me up with a different poster, there's no child here.

[ShatteredLady]

Somanymistakes.

 

"She's understandably upset."

 

Stop using such passive statements! She's NOT "upset". How would you feel? Have empathy! She's utterly devastated. This has distroyed her. Little over a year ago she had 'The best day of her life' in her dream wedding dress, before all of their family & friends, making wedding vows.

 

You have been complicit in shattering her dreams, her life, her definition of love.

 

If he has truly told her that he's been having an emotional affair with you...If honestly he's refused to HER to give you up....HE IS CRUEL SCUM!!

 

I bet that's not true. He's broken & criticized her. Making her believe it's all her fault & if SHE works hard enough SHE can fix their awful marriage. That's heartless! If he's truly in love with you what can she do? What exactly is she trying to fix?

 

He's lying & gaslighting her. You are complicit!

 

The one thing worse than an affair is false reconciliation, continuing an affair after you've said it's over & begged for another chance. Poor woman. My heart bleeds for her.

 

I hope that you do get what you want. You & he should runaway together & give her the chance to find a decent man who won't treat her like c**p. It's too late to save her trust & faith in love & men. She will forever be scared by this. Just imagine for a moment...her history is now 'I'm a divorced woman who's husband couldn't even keep the faith & his vow to "forsake all others' for 1 year!'.

 

Great love story & you're STILL PART OF IT!

[imsosad]

You say something along the lines of "you'll hate me and I deserve it, but..."

Nobody hates you.

Most of us are here because we are or were in an affair.

You are not special, which brings me to point out to you that this "you hate me" statement is classic affair fog.

In your mind, you and your MM are the stars in the greatest star crossed lovers drama ever, the world is against you(we hate you!) but that just pushes you together. Affair couples often close ranks against the hostile outside world and you are no different.

It isn't the world preventing you from being together, it's your AP's inability to make a choice and stick to it.

I find your agreement to talk only about movies and tv shows very childish and manipulative.

Do you see he's playing you both right now?

He is working things out with her, but he wants to keep you in tow, in case things don't work out for them.

I am not impressed with all the words about the one that got away and marrying the wrong person. If that's how he feels, he shouldn't enter false reconciliation with his wife. Why is he, by the way?If he loves you and thinks marrying her is a mistake, why is he living with her while talking about movies (secretly!) with you?

Do the adult, responsible thing and go NC until he sorts things out with her or files for divorce.

Go NC, you can't go wrong doing the right thing.

[TheWoman]

There are no children involved (yet) so there is no good reason for this man to stay in his marriage. If he truly thinks he only married his wife because you were not available then he has all he needs to end it with her. He should know now that marrying her in the first place was a big mistake.

 

However he is not exactly running out the door is he?

 

So perhaps that is not really how he feels. At best he is not sure. At worst, he sees your self-recrimination, somanymistakes, as an opportunity to have have his cake and eat it. It actually takes a strong and moral person not to be a cake eater when such a lovely cake is placed on the table in front of them....

 

Advice on how to handle this above is excellent, give him a date to have left and move on. Do not wait for him. Tbh, you need a new job. Sorry.

[elaine567]

Too many OWs waste weeks/months/even years believing three little words that are so easy to say.

 

Another big difference I noticed was in the use of 'I love you'. I think it can mean different things to men and women. We both said it all the time and we meant it. But I think for her, when I started saying that, she took it to mean, perhaps even at a subconscious level, that I loved her exclusively and that I was implying that we would be together. To me, saying those words were a simple exclamation of joy with no hidden meaning or implication. I was effectively saying......' I'm so happy in this moment and you are the cause! I'm crazy about you. Let's just celebrate it!' I didn't realise what this was probably doing to her psychologically. Again, I didn't mean to deceive, I just wanted to express my happiness. Again - another example of male/female differences come to the fore in affairs!

[BuddyX]

Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

 

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.