she left - but will it last?

[central]

There are only two "right" things you can do:

1. avoid him, because he is married, and that takes precedence over whatever you feel

2. approach his wife and ask if she'll share him

[sandylee1]

Regarding the dog, it could be as much his decision, as hers. You are only getting his side of the story.

[somanymistakes]

And getting divorced that fast isn't an issue btw - mine was over and done with in 2 weeks.

 

Not where we live, unfortunately. They're required to set up separate households and live apart for months. I've read all the relevant laws and lawyer forums, there's no way around it.

[whichwayisup]

So... some updates. Things have basically been in a holding pattern, going nowhere.

 

Part of this is because he had a huge work commitment for the month of March (something I knew about well in advance, before the EA even started) which meant he basically had no free time at all, so we've only been able to exchange quick messages here and there.

 

Part of this is because his wife is doing her very best to prevent them from dealing with their problems. When she's not refusing to talk because she's 'too busy with school' so it's 'not fair' for him to stress her out with relationship discussions, or yelling at him until he turtles up, or getting hysterical and threatening to hurt herself until he has to calm her down, she simply leaves the house as soon as he comes home and stays out all evening. Since he's been busy as well and he hates conflict (we all know the type) it's been easy for her to keep pushing things out.

 

And now she's brought home a surprise dog and dumped it on him as something for them to love. I'm grateful she hasn't managed to get herself pregnant but that would require actually having sex.

 

I am basically begging him to drag her to MC. I know better than to hope that a counselor will take one look at this situation and tell them to break up, but they have got to confront this somehow and getting a counselor involved sounds a lot safer than trying to push for a final full-stakes fight at home where she might do something drastic.

 

I don't know what else to do.

 

Stay out of it and let them be. I highly doubt she's manipulating him like the way he's making it out to be. My god, he's acting like a victim and she's the big bad wolf/bully. I call bunk! If anything, your MM is a fantastic actor and manipulator.

 

You really have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and you're only hearing his side of things. Probably exaggerated and said to put himself in the best possible light in your eyes.

[Birdies]

Not where we live, unfortunately. They're required to set up separate households and live apart for months. I've read all the relevant laws and lawyer forums, there's no way around it.

 

Ok, well the relevant alternative then. Shows you proof of his separate living arrangements, his consultation w divorce lawyer, etc.

[winterkeep]

I've not read all of the responses so apologise if this has been said but my biggest concern in this is YOU.

 

You've hinted at the fact that your relationship history is less than stable and that you typically pick men who are bad for you - I get this, it's pretty common especial if you had issues with your patents.

 

You had this guy when he was stable, dedicated to you and available - and you rejected him to chase unavailable men. All of a sudden when he becomes unavailable to you you want him. I think you really need to explore if this is because you've come to the point that you need or want a reliable man in your life (although I think if this were the case you wouldn't have put yourself into such a dramatic situation) or if it's actually just you going after the status quo.

[Chica80]

Not where we live, unfortunately. They're required to set up separate households and live apart for months. I've read all the relevant laws and lawyer forums, there's no way around it.

 

Ya where do these people live that is so quick?

I filed in July of last year.......no where even close. Especially with kids etc involved nope.....

[Birdies]

Ya where do these people live that is so quick?

I filed in July of last year.......no where even close. Especially with kids etc involved nope.....

 

I live in the Intermountain west (one of the big square states ) and the divorce is final 2 weeks after the paperwork is filed. My ex and I were able to handle everything between ourselves instead of hiring lawyers and going to court.

[WarriorBabe]

I know that you love this man and no matter what is said to you, you will do what you think is best for your situation. There's nothing wrong in following your own path and making your own life decisions, the point that I was getting at involved him being man enough to leave his wife without causing her more pain.

 

In my eyes, and I'm only speaking what I know, when people make excuses as to why they stay in a marriage, nine times out of ten, the reason they stay is due to their own insecurities. A person that has had enough of the marriage issues, will leave on his/her own and not because someone pushed them to do it. If you continue pushing this man to leave his wife, if you keep tempting him to leave his wife, if you continue this affair that you are having with him, he will continue treating you the way that he's treating you. If you want him for yourself, you cannot make the decision for him, he has to make that choice.

[somanymistakes]

She has finally agreed to go to MC.

 

I'm sorry if I'm a bit snappy with people today. I just have a lot on my mind. I'm trying to step back and let them sort this out. I am trying to stand aside and not put any more pressure on the situation. But there is pressure on me.

 

I'm saying all this to try and remind myself not to wait forever, that at some point I do have to demand a resolution, one way or the other.

 

I want her gone. I know it sounds awful. I want her to admit that it's not working, to admit that she can't change to make things better, and pack her bags and just GO.

 

Second-best option is for them to somehow fix all their problems and be happy. If they were happy at least that would be something!

 

The worst is things staying the way they are forever, with all three of us miserable and not willing to let go. I know at some point I do have to set a deadline for change. But I feel like doing that now would just be acting like a drama queen and adding more pressure to a situation that is messy enough. Or am I just trying to prove that I'm the mature one who loves him more by not demanding that he choose? I know she's told him to never speak to me again and I've never said anything like that about her and aren't I smug about that?

 

I mean it I would rather him be happy, I could walk away if he were happy.

 

I'm sorry. I'm upset right now. There's so much more to this story that I can't share. It's more messed-up than it looks.

[somanymistakes]

this was asked in another thread so

 

Need to ask, are you saying that his wife purposely crashed her car so her husband could look after her and stay away from you? Does she know of the affair? I hope you're able to create your own thread and answer this (sorry to threadjack to ask a genuine question).

 

I can't prove that it was on purpose. I don't want to talk about the details for legal and other reasons so I have to be really vague here. She didn't do anything obviously intentional, the accident was not that bad, she was not seriously hurt.

 

I'm suspicious that she may have let it happen because of the overall pattern where there's always some new responsibility she wants him to take care of. However it may have totally been an accident. And if she was distracted because she's upset about the situation that would make it partly my fault.

 

Yes, she knows he and I have an ongoing emotional connection. We are not sleeping together, though she may not believe that.

 

I think we've built our own hell and locked ourselves in it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

this was asked in another thread so

 

 

 

I can't prove that it was on purpose. I don't want to talk about the details for legal and other reasons so I have to be really vague here. She didn't do anything obviously intentional, the accident was not that bad, she was not seriously hurt.

 

I'm suspicious that she may have let it happen because of the overall pattern where there's always some new responsibility she wants him to take care of. However it may have totally been an accident. And if she was distracted because she's upset about the situation that would make it partly my fault.

 

Yes, she knows he and I have an ongoing emotional connection. We are not sleeping together, though she may not believe that.

 

I think we've built our own hell and locked ourselves in it.

 

How is their marriage counseling going?

 

Why are you doing this to yourself?

[somanymistakes]

probably because the people who suspected i'm still addicted to terrible relationships were dead on from the beginning.

[reboot]

probably because the people who suspected i'm still addicted to terrible relationships were dead on from the beginning.

 

One of the few truths I've learned in life is most of the time you can't help who you love. Don't beat yourself up too bad.

[whichwayisup]

this was asked in another thread so

 

 

 

I can't prove that it was on purpose. I don't want to talk about the details for legal and other reasons so I have to be really vague here. She didn't do anything obviously intentional, the accident was not that bad, she was not seriously hurt.

 

I'm suspicious that she may have let it happen because of the overall pattern where there's always some new responsibility she wants him to take care of. However it may have totally been an accident. And if she was distracted because she's upset about the situation that would make it partly my fault.

 

Yes, she knows he and I have an ongoing emotional connection. We are not sleeping together, though she may not believe that.

 

I think we've built our own hell and locked ourselves in it.

 

How happy are you? On a scale of 1 - 10?

 

He can leave her at anytime. He can separate and file for divorce but that has not happened. He is where he wants to be. Then again you don't want to be married and be a wife (you mentioned that) so this affair works for you but at the same time it hurts you way too much. More yucky feelings than happy feelings.

 

Of course she's not going to believe that you two aren't having sex.

 

She has a right to fight for her husband and marriage, to her you're the enemy taking away her husband's time, energy and love from her. she feels threatened by you and though she is aware of you, he's doing something awful to her by keeping you both on a string. That's just shi.tty and he knows it.

 

As for the car accident, don't think of her as the devil here who purposely had an accident so he'll pay attention to her. I highly doubt that's true! Let alone the cost of the car, that would just be a not wise choice to go have an accident, ruin the car and hurt herself all for kicks.

[WhatToDoKiddies]

Is there anything you can do at the beginning of what might become an affair, any honorable compromise to deal with the situation of believing that you are truly in love with a married man? If pursuing him is wrong because he's married, but dropping him is also wrong because you love him, what is a smart person supposed to do in that situation before things get out of control?

You have to give him up. There is no compromise about that. There is a big difference between loving someone, and wanting to be with them. If you can look into the future and see the pain you will both suffer and cause, then it is a lot easier to see what you need to do, and you will find the strength to do it.

[somanymistakes]

How happy are you? On a scale of 1 - 10?

 

Not very. Happier when I'm talking to him than when I'm not, but I certainly never get the 10s. I don't even get the wining and dining and the wild sex that people having 'normal' affairs do. All I get is hope.

 

I'm still hoping that one day all of this will come through and I'll be able to tell you a beautiful love story of how we fought the odds and won.

 

And on really bad days I just think, well, this is all my fault in the first place and I probably deserve to be miserable about it. If I waste years suffering to make him happier, that's probably one of the safest ways of punishing myself. There are far worse things I could do.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Not very. Happier when I'm talking to him than when I'm not, but I certainly never get the 10s. I don't even get the wining and dining and the wild sex that people having 'normal' affairs do. All I get is hope.

 

I'm still hoping that one day all of this will come through and I'll be able to tell you a beautiful love story of how we fought the odds and won.

 

And on really bad days I just think, well, this is all my fault in the first place and I probably deserve to be miserable about it. If I waste years suffering to make him happier, that's probably one of the safest ways of punishing myself. There are far worse things I could do.

 

you know sweet girl...deep in your heart...there is no hope. I have been folowing your story and trying to get to know you. YOu give great advice to others...yet you continue to fool yourself.

 

Could you please put yourself first? You deserve so much more than this. YOu are such a fantstic person. Sever these ties and search for a man who can give you himself...100% himself...becasue this man...will never do that.

[stillafool]

t

Yes, she knows he and I have an ongoing emotional connection. We are not sleeping together, though she may not believe that.

 

I think we've built our own hell and locked ourselves in it.

 

Have you verified this with her or is that what he told you?

[donbar]

I totally get it. Your own personal hell.. been there. Its sucks...

[somanymistakes]

Have you verified this with her or is that what he told you?

 

Have I sat down with her one-on-one and gone over every single thing he's ever said to verify it with her? No, she'd probably rip my face off.

 

Do I have proof beyond just his word? Yes, including things she's said while we're on the phone.

 

I have no doubt that she knows about me in general. Some of the specific things he's confessed to me I don't know if she knows or not, and I'm not going to ask her because that would be cruel.

 

And of course I don't have absolute proof about their sex life because short of putting a camera in the bedroom there's no way I can prove that one. She certainly hasn't managed to get pregnant despite saying that she wanted to, but that doesn't prove they're not having sex, I'm aware that this is something I can't prove.

[misspalmy]

I tho it was love boy was i wrong, he never love me, he wont talk to me after seeing him 4 four years

[somanymistakes]

Am I the only one who goes through these repeating cycles of emotions?

 

Every now and then something happens that makes me think this is it, it's definitely happening, they're splitting up, we'll be together for real.

 

Followed by: this is all my fault, I'm a terrible person, I've been wishing for someone else to lose and suffer, I'm a homewrecker, how could I do this to anyone? What if we don't work out and I've ruined his marriage for nothing? This is all my fault!

 

Followed by slowly trying to build myself up to take responsibility for the situation and do the best I can to make sure we don't repeat our past mistakes, and I start fantasizing about the future we might be able to have, to make something good come from all of this

 

But the more I get excited about the future then the more I start getting nervous about how it isn't actually happening yet and what if it never does, what if we drag on like this forever? and that's when i start spending the most time on these forums reading everyone else's sad stories and i get really paranoid that i'm doing everything wrong, that I'm making all the wrong choices, everything about me only brings people pain, that it would be better for everyone if I just disappeared. it's what a BS wants, isn't it, for the OW to vanish and never be heard from again? and people start in with the "oh, if he loved you he would have already left" and "men always choose their wives" and "the marriage is always more valuable and worth saving" and "they're probably actually happy together" and i don't know what to think, if me disappearing meant that they really would be happy together I would be okay with that, what is the point in me being here?

 

and then he'll talk to me and it will be a huge relief and I'll laugh at how much our relationship is nothing like what people say the 'typical' cheating relationship is like, all the things I was afraid of seem silly, he needs me and I love him so much, I could be happy just like this forever, even if they never do go through with the divorce.

 

but then, what if they do? what if they really do?

 

and around and around it goes.

 

 

As far as I know their MC is not going well. Which isn't going to surprise anyone, considering that everyone on this forum says you have to completely end the A and go NC for MC to have a chance, and we're obviously still in contact.

[lostgirl87]

Reading this is like reading about my own life/relationship.

 

I wouldn't get too caught up reading all these stories and feeling badly or paranoid. I think most people here don't come on to talk about success stories so there's more "bad" than "good". Every relationship is different- there is no black and white. Nobody else's life, story or relationship affects yours or is the playbook for how yours will be. And don't beat yourself up for not disappearing- it's easier said than done! And it's extremely hard when the man doesn't want you gone. When he's fine with not sleeping with you but can't stand the thought of not speaking to you, how can you just walk away? Like I said, it's not always cut and dry.

 

I don't have any "advice" but I want you to know you're not alone! I'm right there with you. You have to do what YOU want to do. What you feel is right for YOU. Once you feel like you can't look at yourself in the mirror then that's probably when it's time to change things lol. Until then, do what you need to do for YOU.

 

Good luck

Edited July 27, 2017 by lostgirl87

[Birdies]

Well, I don't think you'll be happy with this situation indefinitely. We all want someone we can curl up with at night and wake up with in the morning and bring to our friend's bday party and talk about with our coworkers and bring home at Christmas.

 

I hope he mans up soon, or you decide to move on before you lose too much of your life. I don't think these things are always doomed or that he is lying to you - I just don't think these guys usually have it in them to ditch their wives, since they are generally conflict avoidant by nature. I don't think my MM or I (both married) would have if it weren't for DDay.

 

Good luck