she left - but will it last?

[BTDT2012]

That I'm an OW?

 

I think Birdies was right earlier that I obsess so much about things precisely because I have no control over the situation. I don't have any real power here, so I meddle in absolutely everyone's lives to make up for it. It's why I post on LS so much. I can't fix my life so I mess around in everyone else's.

 

I wanted them to fix their marriage at first, because I know I'm a mess and a bad choice and being with me ought to be a last resort. My opinion changed as I learned more about the situation. I'm a mess, but I still think he's better off without her, regardless of what happens with us. He deserves someone who appreciates him and doesn't ignore and avoid him and make him feel like he's a horrible person for wanting intimacy and conversation once in a while.

 

Why do you say you're mess?

As long as you understand that all you gave to go on iis what he tells you.

[pheonixrisen]

No, he hasn't been telling her he's leaving for nine months. He's been telling her they have problems that they need to talk about and fix, and also that he's talking to me and that we have feelings for each other.

 

I know it's confusing, especially since there's a lot I'm leaving out. I can say that this is the first time he's clearly said to me that he's definitely giving up on the marriage.

 

Yes, this whole thing is very slow, I agree about that. That's part of why I make these posts, because without that record it doesn't feel like it's been as long as it has. We're all such busy people, we barely have time to talk.

 

That's why I'm sort of making jokes about the end of the year, and which way things will have turned out by Christmas.

 

Do you see that it does not take a month to talk to a person .esp if they want them to leave or want to leave .the whole world could be falling around us no matter how busy me and h get when we want to say something that's an imp decision about marriage we say it we do not wait weeks /month

 

Do you see what he is saying to you maybe misrepresenting his situation and you have only his words to go for .

 

Do you see you are already preparing your self you are joking about it but you see that it may not happen waiting for Christmas which way it goes

 

During Christmas it would be the holiday season he will say family is visiting or they are visiting family not a good time to talk .etc etc

 

Why does he not just walk home and have the talk .I mean as per him she is this and that .should he not be in a hurry to say his decision and start this fantastic life with you based on your connection and out of the world love that you feel for each other .

 

Why not just leave. Period

 

If it's the matter of his home which ever way you look at it he may have to fight for it in court or may have to share half of the proceed with her as they don't have children no one spouse get to keep the home .or if it's his home alone he should not worry he could fight for it and get a court order to put her out

 

He is talking the talk.i think 9 months you heard enough or for however long it's going on ..its time for him to act.

 

Don't you think?

[wmacbride]

Wow...affairs sure do make people act in strange ways.

 

OP, you have made yourself sound like a vulture, waiting to pick the bones of their marriage.

 

You are judging a woman base don't he words of a proven liar.

 

You are consciously and with calculation, hoping to break up a marriage, which will mean that you will be causing incredible pain to a woman ans children who have done absolutely nothing to you.

 

Not only that, you are actually excited ( although you try and convince us all otherwise) about them potentially having to go through all of that. A woman with a new baby in what should be one of the happiest times of her life? You are sitting there, actually hoping, for her to suffer?

 

Let's cut the bullsh@t and call a spade a spade. For you to get what you want, others are going to have to suffer.... and for what? A relationship with a man you know for a fact, is perfectly okay with being sleazy-because that is exactly who and what he is.

 

You don't come off as this type of person at all, which is why I don't understand it. How can you reconcile the "you" who is a kind and caring person with the "you" who is basically sitting on the sidelines rubbing your hands with glee?

 

You do know this woman isn't a terrible person. She has done absolutely nothing to you or to deserve any of this. No intimacy? Gee, I wonder why.

 

Most of the time, I wouldn't see that as unusual, as that's quite common,but then i read other posts by you that are caring, insightful and quite empathetic.

[BaileyB]

Indeed, and all this for a relationship that isn't even physical.

 

You must understand that you can not really "know" their situation. You are not in the relationship, you don't know what's happening in their marriage. What you have is the hearsay of someone you know is a proven liar. Why would you believe anything that he tells you about his wife or his marriage?

 

I agree with wmacbride, your other posts are kind, caring, and insightful - very inconsistent with your posts in this discussion.

[elaine567]

Does talking about sex still count as emotional-only or is it somewhere in between?

We have not done anything physical, we are keeping our distance from each other. Both tempted, of course, but hanging in there. And especially now that he's said he's going to leave and that we can finally get together after that, we're not going to give in now.

 

I asked because I feel that without the sex, he is probably not going to leave his wife. I am not saying that if he gets sex from you now he will leave, but sex does tend to take things to a different level. Of course many OWs are having loads of sex, but their MM still don't leave either, but I guess not many MM are leaving wives for someone they just talk about sex with.

 

I think the natural time for the introduction of sex here, may be passed actually.

I feel that this "no sex" pact you seem to have made enables him to feel less guilty, in fact almost completely "innocent", but allows him to still indulge in a whole lot of sexy talk with you.

 

He has no kids and they have only been married about a year, so if he really THAT miserable and there is little or NO intimacy or conversation, and they are really that incompatible and he also has you waiting patiently with open arms, then why is he not running out that door?

He is not running out that door, because he just doesn't want to, is my best guess. Sorry to say.

[somanymistakes]

 

You are judging a woman base don't he words of a proven liar.

 

You are consciously and with calculation, hoping to break up a marriage, which will mean that you will be causing incredible pain to a woman ans children who have done absolutely nothing to you.

 

Not only that, you are actually excited ( although you try and convince us all otherwise) about them potentially having to go through all of that. A woman with a new baby in what should be one of the happiest times of her life? You are sitting there, actually hoping, for her to suffer?

 

I think you've got your threads confused sorry. There is NO new baby, and no proven liar.

 

He isn't lying to her or to me, and she's never been pregnant.

 

Let's cut the bullsh@t and call a spade a spade. For you to get what you want, others are going to have to suffer.... and for what? A relationship with a man you know for a fact, is perfectly okay with being sleazy-because that is exactly who and what he is.

Unlike just about every other MM in this forum, he's not trying to get sex on the side while keeping his wife in the dark. He's just as insistent as I am that we cannot have a physical affair, that he loves and respects me too much to ever put me in that position.

 

Yes, the level of connection we have is inappropriate for a married man, but if you jump straight to "sleazy" you don't leave much room to condemn the people who've done a lot worse.

 

You don't come off as this type of person at all, which is why I don't understand it. How can you reconcile the "you" who is a kind and caring person with the "you" who is basically sitting on the sidelines rubbing your hands with glee?

 

You do know this woman isn't a terrible person. She has done absolutely nothing to you or to deserve any of this. No intimacy? Gee, I wonder why.

She's done nothing to me. She has done things to him. And when it comes to choosing sides, it's pretty obvious whose side I'm on.

 

She's not a terrible person and I don't like the idea of causing her pain. If they were happy together I would have butted out a long time ago, but they were already unhappy before I even got involved. Yes, I've made things worse, I'm pushing things to the breaking point, but things were very messed up between them to begin with. Because he never wants to say anything bad about her directly, it took me a long time to pick up the clues of some of the problems that have been occurring. I know she cares about him and he cares about her, but it's not working, and if I weren't involved and these were just strangers I would probably be encouraging them to break up and be happier.

 

As for how I can sound so heartless sometimes towards this particular situation, emotional exhaustion mostly. When you watch someone stuck in the same stupid place long enough, you can start to lose your patience with them. I'm sure some readers here feel that way about me!

 

I'm not going to snap at him, I'm certainly not going to snap at her, but my frustration can leak out here where neither of them can see it.

 

I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I want her to have a happy life with all the dogs she wants.

Edited September 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Bittersweetie]

Part of being an adult in a marriage is having the difficult conversations. These difficult conversations are hard, can be hurtful, and are no fun, especially in the beginning of a marriage. Yes, it's a lot easier to avoid those conversations and push them to the side. I did those things myself and that's how I eventually ended up in an affair...because all that avoiding and pushing allowed me to reframe events in my head to say that it wasn't me with the issues, it was my H and our marriage.

 

So I agree with Phoenix that if he wanted to truly have that conversation with his wife, he would have it. After my d-day my H and I had some very difficult conversations. Conversations that would have been better said BEFORE my affair, before the pain I caused. Your MM is not handling his issues, and those in his marriage, in a mature way, in a good way. And you are getting hurt. And his wife is getting hurt even if she is unaware.

 

You said you've never gotten over him and maybe that is why you are waiting...you have invested so much in this man, ten years? But maybe right now you should invest in yourself, and step away from him. He made his choices in life, allow him to decide how to move forward on his own, without you waiting. Let him deal with the consequences of his choices himself as an adult. Then you can focus on yourself and finding a good man for yourself, one who is free. GL.

[imsosad]

So, you wrote that he has told you that he sees no hope for his marriage. This means exactly nothing. He can repeat this statement over and over for eternity.

This statement is meaningless unless he says it ti his wife. This is a conversation that needs to take place between husband and wife. Only then does it begin to have some meaning, some consequence, some outcome.

 

When I realised that my marriage really was over and that I wanted to be with my AP, it took me less than a week to sit my husband down and tell him the truth. We have 4 children, owned a house and had been together fir nearly 2 decades. My AP turned partner did the same months before I did ( we were NC) without knowing what I was going to do. When it's over, you get going.

 

Marriages are very rarely so one sided and clear cut as you describe. I can say that both my ex husband and I contributed to our downfall. Same with my AP and his ex. Fault is usually with both partners. I would be very surprised if your MM is an incredible Mr Right who's marriage is failing all on account of his wife.

 

Having said that, it's besides the point. I agree with posters who commented that you are too invested in their marriage.

Do not put your life on hold.

Move forward. If he is serious about divorce, he will find you when he can offer you a real relationship.

Edited September 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[wmacbride]

I think you've got your threads confused sorry. There is NO new baby, and no proven liar.

 

He isn't lying to her or to me, and she's never been pregnant.

 

 

 

Unlike just about every other MM in this forum, he's not trying to get sex on the side while keeping his wife in the dark. He's just as insistent as I am that we cannot have a physical affair, that he loves and respects me too much to ever put me in that position.

 

Yes, the level of connection we have is inappropriate for a married man, but if you jump straight to "sleazy" you don't leave much room to condemn the people who've done a lot worse.

 

 

 

She's done nothing to me. She has done things to him. And when it comes to choosing sides, it's pretty obvious whose side I'm on.

 

She's not a terrible person and I don't like the idea of causing her pain. If they were happy together I would have butted out a long time ago, but they were already unhappy before I even got involved. Yes, I've made things worse, I'm pushing things to the breaking point, but things were very messed up between them to begin with. Because he never wants to say anything bad about her directly, it took me a long time to pick up the clues of some of the problems that have been occurring. I know she cares about him and he cares about her, but it's not working, and if I weren't involved and these were just strangers I would probably be encouraging them to break up and be happier.

 

As for how I can sound so heartless sometimes towards this particular situation, emotional exhaustion mostly. When you watch someone stuck in the same stupid place long enough, you can start to lose your patience with them. I'm sure some readers here feel that way about me!

 

I'm not going to snap at him, I'm certainly not going to snap at her, but my frustration can leak out here where neither of them can see it.

 

I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I want her to have a happy life with all the dogs she wants.

 

.

 

I get you think that's funny, but you know what? It just comes of as you are jealous of her because, as terrible for him she might be ( which i highly doubt) he still chooses her over you every time. He could easily walk away,but still, he chooses not to.

 

That would make him either a full out coward, extremely lazy or just a commonplace jerk who feels pretty pleased with himself because he's got two women besotted with him- and if you think he is ever going to tell you the truth about that, think for a minute. What benefit does he get if he lies to you, and what would he get if he told the truth?

 

and yes, it is sleazy for him to be going behind his wife's back and leading you on. That's sleazy.If some other woman suddenly pops up on his radar, he'll probably add her to the mix too,but he's never going to tell you that.

 

That must be very painful for you, and I am sorry he is treating you that way. No one deserves to be disrespected in that way. You certainly don't and neither does she.

Edited September 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lana-banana]

You might as well just get Minimariah's post tattooed on your forehead, because it's the best advice in this entire thread and every word is gold. All I can add is that bit about how your guy is "unlike every other MM here" since he didn't immediately try to get you into bed? That's horse manure. I only lurk on these boards but I have seen dozens of women who didn't consummate their affair for years, if ever. Whatever else you want to say about your situation, it's definitely not unique.

[somanymistakes]

I didn't mean the dogs line to be funny. I'm really not sure what else she wants out of life. I don't know her that well, after all. It feels kind of weird to wish for her to date someone else, considering the circumstances, so I'm not sure what else to say.

 

I'm not sleeping with him and not giving him money or anything, so I'm not sure what 'benefit' you think he gets out of any of this. Certainly not one worth enrolling his wife, his family, her family, and their friends into some sort of weird play-acting in order to mislead me. If his entire personality since we were in college is a fake and he were some sort of Machiavellian figure manipulating us all for his own amusement and revenge, he could very easily have tricked me into all sorts of public humiliation by now. I'd do almost anything he asked. But he hasn't asked for anything other than that I stay and keep talking to him.

 

He tried to save his marriage first. I encouraged that. I don't see that as disrespecting me. I feel that he's been very honest and open with me throughout this whole process.

 

I can't explain why I am a mess and a bad choice without getting too personal, so let's just say that I have made many mistakes in my life and some of them have permanent consequences. Getting involved with me is complicated.

 

Anyway. After so much uncertainty, now that he finally says he's made up his mind and asked me to wait for him, of course I'm waiting.

 

I'm concerned about him, I think this is going to be very hard for him, probably worse than he realizes yet. Walking away is not easy at all!

 

But I can't manage the divorce for him, he has to do that himself.

 

Yes, it's true that I may have a little bit of a complex about helping people.

[BaileyB]

I didn't mean the dogs line to be funny. I'm really not sure what else she wants out of life. I don't know her that well, after all. It feels kind of weird to wish for her to date someone else, considering the circumstances, so I'm not sure what else to say.

 

I'm not sleeping with him and not giving him money or anything, so I'm not sure what 'benefit' you think he gets out of any of this. Certainly not one worth enrolling his wife, his family, her family, and their friends into some sort of weird play-acting in order to mislead me. If his entire personality since we were in college is a fake and he were some sort of Machiavellian figure manipulating us all for his own amusement and revenge, he could very easily have tricked me into all sorts of public humiliation by now. I'd do almost anything he asked. But he hasn't asked for anything other than that I stay and keep talking to him.

 

He tried to save his marriage first. I encouraged that. I don't see that as disrespecting me. I feel that he's been very honest and open with me throughout this whole process.

 

I can't explain why I am a mess and a bad choice without getting too personal, so let's just say that I have made many mistakes in my life and some of them have permanent consequences. Getting involved with me is complicated.

 

Anyway. After so much uncertainty, now that he finally says he's made up his mind and asked me to wait for him, of course I'm waiting.

 

I'm concerned about him, I think this is going to be very hard for him, probably worse than he realizes yet. Walking away is not easy at all!

 

But I can't manage the divorce for him, he has to do that himself.

 

Yes, it's true that I may have a little bit of a complex about helping people.

 

You are just waaaaaaay too invested in this situation. It's never a good idea to become so invested in another person's life. And certainly, you have not been invited into this marriage - although you have inserted yourself there with all your opinions, thoughts, beliefs of what they should or should not do. There are no boundaries here - has the ability to maintain healthy boundaries been an issue for you in other relationships?

 

The sad part is, he has asked you to "wait for him," and you are... When in fact, another man with more integrity would end his marriage if he wanted to be with you or know that he has no right to ask you to wait. And you, have chosen to wait for him, sitting on the sidelines cheering gleefully the possibility of the demise of the relationship and self-righteously saying that you "don't wish to hurt her" and that you "hope she has a happy life wih her dogs...

 

It certainly does appear that you enjoy the drama.

Edited September 7, 2017 by BaileyB

[anika99]

I think you've got your threads confused sorry. There is NO new baby, and no proven liar.

 

He isn't lying to her or to me, and she's never been pregnant.

 

 

 

Unlike just about every other MM in this forum, he's not trying to get sex on the side while keeping his wife in the dark. He's just as insistent as I am that we cannot have a physical affair, that he loves and respects me too much to ever put me in that position.

 

Yes, the level of connection we have is inappropriate for a married man, but if you jump straight to "sleazy" you don't leave much room to condemn the people who've done a lot worse.

 

 

 

She's done nothing to me. She has done things to him. And when it comes to choosing sides, it's pretty obvious whose side I'm on.

 

She's not a terrible person and I don't like the idea of causing her pain. If they were happy together I would have butted out a long time ago, but they were already unhappy before I even got involved. Yes, I've made things worse, I'm pushing things to the breaking point, but things were very messed up between them to begin with. Because he never wants to say anything bad about her directly, it took me a long time to pick up the clues of some of the problems that have been occurring. I know she cares about him and he cares about her, but it's not working, and if I weren't involved and these were just strangers I would probably be encouraging them to break up and be happier.

 

As for how I can sound so heartless sometimes towards this particular situation, emotional exhaustion mostly. When you watch someone stuck in the same stupid place long enough, you can start to lose your patience with them. I'm sure some readers here feel that way about me!

 

I'm not going to snap at him, I'm certainly not going to snap at her, but my frustration can leak out here where neither of them can see it.

 

I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I want her to have a happy life with all the dogs she wants.

 

Not all affairs are sexual and MM can become as attached/addicted to an emotional affair as women can. What is your MM getting out this? Well his ego is sure being stroked. He has 2 women fighting for him and making him feel wanted. He also has a back up plan. Some people always like to someone waiting in their back pocket just in case their primary relationship fails.

 

If there is one thing I do know is that MM never ever come clean and tell the truth. They will never admit to anything you can't prove. There is a possibility that your MM doesn't want to leave his marriage at all but now that he has started this thing with you he doesn't know how to get out of it. If he wishes to end the affair with you he will never tell you the truth. He will just keep blaming it on his wife holding him hostage. The only surefire way to find out the MM's true intentions is to talk to their wife. That usually forces the MM to make a quick decision and most OW won't do it because they are afraid of the outcome.

 

Your MM is classic. He has used all the lines on you. From "my wife will kill herself" to "oh I simply cannot have a conversation with her, she won't allow me to talk to her" lol.....as if everytime he tries to talk to her she sticks her fingers in her ears and goes "LALALLAALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU..LALALALALA....lol.

 

Everyone but you sees the writing on the wall here. There is no talking sense to you because in your eyes your MM is a God and every word out of his mouth is the gospel truth. They have been married almost 2 years now. It's getting around the time that many couples want to have a baby. There is a good chance his wife will be pregnant soon and when you find out I can just imagine what your MM is going to say, "I was drunk and she took advantage of me" or "she went and got her self artificially inseminated behind my back". Yes there really has been MM who have used the artificial insemination story to explain their pregnant wife and sometimes the OW actually believes it. I suspect when his wife winds up pregnant who will believe whatever story he gives you while turning up your hate for his wife.

 

And he didnt' just tell you he is leaving. He told you back in April that his wife told him she would kill herself if he left her for you. So many months ago he got you believing that he was trying to leave. You two broke up nine years before he got married. He had nine years to chase you and be with you but he waited until he was nicely tied down and unavailable to truly be with you before he came after you. I think he never wanted to risk ending up in a real relationship with you again since you hurt him so much. Now he can play with you from a safe distance. He can have this fantasy relationship with you while his wife keeps him safe from actually being with you.

Edited September 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[somanymistakes]

At what point does it become gaslighting when people keep trying to tell you that everything you've personally experienced isn't real and that you're clearly crazy and should believe them over your own eyes? Haha.

 

Would people find it more believable if I posted "I hope she cries herself to sleep in a gutter somewhere"? Because I don't hope that at all, why on earth would I hope that? I have no reason to want anything bad to happen to her!

 

I know where you're getting the April thing from, it's a reasonable concern from what information you have. It's not quite correct, though, as it was still an "if I leave" at that point, rather than an "I am leaving". This is consistent with our behind the scenes conversations.

 

He had nine years to chase you and be with you but he waited until he was nicely tied down and unavailable to truly be with you before he came after you.

 

This is the complete opposite of the truth. He spent a lot of those years chasing me and mooning after me, quite publicly, while I repeatedly turned down anything more than friendship. I waited until he was nicely tied down and unavailable before I came after him.

 

I think he never wanted to risk ending up in a real relationship with you again since you hurt him so much. Now he can play with you from a safe distance. He can have this fantasy relationship with you while his wife keeps him safe from actually being with you.

 

I definitely wondered if that was the case early on in this whole mess. It would have been very understandable. Until he told his wife the truth, he could maintain the fantasy of me at no risk to himself. But he did tell her.

 

They have been married for more than two years now, the anniversary was a little while back.

 

As for the rest, time will tell! But I'm not stressed about it anymore. Things might work out or they might not, worrying about it doesn't change it so why worry?

[wmacbride]

I didn't mean the dogs line to be funny. I'm really not sure what else she wants out of life. I don't know her that well, after all. It feels kind of weird to wish for her to date someone else, considering the circumstances, so I'm not sure what else to say.

 

I'm not sleeping with him and not giving him money or anything, so I'm not sure what 'benefit' you think he gets out of any of this. Certainly not one worth enrolling his wife, his family, her family, and their friends into some sort of weird play-acting in order to mislead me. If his entire personality since we were in college is a fake and he were some sort of Machiavellian figure manipulating us all for his own amusement and revenge, he could very easily have tricked me into all sorts of public humiliation by now. I'd do almost anything he asked. But he hasn't asked for anything other than that I stay and keep talking to him.

 

He tried to save his marriage first. I encouraged that. I don't see that as disrespecting me. I feel that he's been very honest and open with me throughout this whole process.

 

I can't explain why I am a mess and a bad choice without getting too personal, so let's just say that I have made many mistakes in my life and some of them have permanent consequences. Getting involved with me is complicated.

 

Anyway. After so much uncertainty, now that he finally says he's made up his mind and asked me to wait for him, of course I'm waiting.

 

I'm concerned about him, I think this is going to be very hard for him, probably worse than he realizes yet. Walking away is not easy at all!

 

But I can't manage the divorce for him, he has to do that himself.

 

Yes, it's true that I may have a little bit of a complex about helping people.

 

I'm sorry, but you have zero ability to give any sort of impartial view f his wife. You are wayyyy too invested. In some ways, I think you are actually more enthralled with the situation than him.

 

I am getting a sense you are actually thriving on all the drama.

[wmacbride]

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, as you have so much invested in this relationship you can't see it for what it is.

 

There was someone on here a while back who was invested in a similar way. So much so that she actually gleefully recounted how, when she had been in their house one time, she had come across her mm's wife's medical records.

 

Most people, including most ow, would see that as private and keep out. Not her. She read through them and gleefully reported some of what she found.

 

In any other way, she was a very stable person. She has a good job, works hard, has an active social life, etc.

 

She's just become so invested in her mm's marriage that she can't see the forest for the trees. She's a woman who has a gentle heart, but she ( although she never admits it) was actually happy knowing his wife was hurting. It was as if she felt the more she ran down his wife, and the more she was hurt, the stronger the affair relationship was.

 

Don't become that woman.

[somanymistakes]

The situation is complicated and there's a lot of details that I don't feel are appropriate to share. Help was sought, I can't say anything more about that.

 

You should look up the real meaning of it and where the term was first coined.

 

Considering the way people throw the term around these days I don't think most of them have any idea what the origins were.

 

Yes, I'm familiar with the movie plot. The key element from the movie is usually lost in modern usage is that he wasn't just telling her that she was wrong, he was intentionally creating circumstances to unsettle and disturb her and then telling her that they were figments of her imagination, to make her doubt herself and believe that she is crazy. He intentionally tampers with the lights, plants things in her purse, etc. He takes these actions for no other reason than to make her afraid and helpless, to make her doubt her own perceptions. It's very clear, direct abuse.

 

Quite often on relationship forums these days, however, I see people use "gaslighting" simply to mean that their partner disagreed with them about something that happened. "I say he came home late from work last week. He says he didn't. He's gaslighting me!!!" or "I say he's sleeping with his secretary. He says they're just friends. He's gaslighting me!!!" That is not gaslighting. That is either a difference of opinion/memory, or it is a lie, but it is not gaslighting. The intent of the actions was not to make someone feel crazy.

[BaileyB]

When I read your posts, I think it can best be summed up by saying...

 

He is lying to you, and you are clearly lying to yourself.

[jenkins95]

(((somanymistakes)))

 

You are getting a hard time on here, and I feel for you. But it's only because posters care and they see you making some of the mistakes that they made, holding onto hopes that they had, only for it to end up in heartbreak for many of them. People can see your situation objectively and they want to try to help you, even if it's through tough love and telling you things that you don't want to hear. Some of the advice is similar to the excellent advice that you yourself have given to other posters. But of course, here you can't be objective - I get that. And the trouble is, this type of tough love sometimes pushes people even further away and makes them defensive and dig in, determined to prove everyone wrong. I think that is happening to some extent here?

 

Sometimes people just have to find out the hard way for themselves, despite all the advice they are getting telling them to get out. I understand where you are. You have waited so long, invested so much and been through so much...and now, he's saying for the first time that he is actually going to leave. I totally understand that it's almost impossible for you to give up when the stakes are so high and you feel so close.

 

I think you are going to wait for him, and I understand. With that in mind, here is my advice.

 

1. Understand that statistically speaking, it is still unlikely that he will leave and be with you.

 

2. If he does leave, you will have some very tough years ahead and will probably make enemies. It will be a long time until you have the true peace and stability that you need for your relationship to flourish. Will either of you still be the same people then, or will all the stress and devastation destroy your fledgling relationship?

 

3. He has cheated before, and while I don't agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater", it is still more statistically likely that he will cheat again than someone who has never cheated. I know that the possibility of cheating is in me and I have to work on and watch myself every day to make sure it never happens again. Will you always be able to trust him? What about five years down the line when he starts having to go away on business trips? Will you always be looking over your shoulder?

 

4. If you are going to wait, prepare yourself for the possibility that it may never happen. It might happen, but statistics say it is unlikely. He has proved himself to be weak, and it takes a LOT of strength to do what he says he is going to do. Can he do it/ Time will tell. Protect your heart, Do not pin everything on it. If it happens, it happens, but don't allow the possibility of it not happening destroy you. Have a back up plan. Do not put your life on hold.

 

5. Set a time limit. He has now said he is leaving, so it's time for action. He should have put the legal process in place and be moved out in the next couple of months. There is absolutely no reason for him still to be there in, say, 6 months, still making excuses. He needs to know that, while you love him, you will not wait forever.

 

6. Further to 5. I believe that the absolute best chance that you have of pulling this off is to tell him you love him and that you are so pleased that he has decided to be with you. But now, in the best interests of everyone, you are going to go complete and total NC with him while he ends things with as much dignity as possible with his wife, without you anywhere on the scene. You look forward to seeing him, a few months in the future, with documentary evidence that he has filed and with him moved out and settled into a new routine. He has to do that bit without you. It is the very least she deserves. He has to grow a pair and sort things out with his wife like a real man. Do not let him lean on you - it is far too easy for him to cake eat and delay that way. Do not interfere at this vital time. Do not let yourself be seen as even more of a home-wrecker than she likely already does.

 

I don't think the chances of it working are great, I'll be honest. All evidence of similar stories points that way. However, there is a small chance it may work, and I feel that you cannot give up until you have tried everything. Set a reasonable time limit now and stick to it. That way you get your chance, but will not waste your whole life waiting. There are OW on here who have waited literally years only to end up alone - in middle age. Don't be that woman.

 

Keep posting. Don't let the tough love make you overly defensive. Everyone has your back even if it doesn't feel like it. We just don't want you to ruin your life.

 

Good luck and please stay with us.

Edited September 8, 2017 by jenkins95

[elaine567]

This is the complete opposite of the truth. He spent a lot of those years chasing me and mooning after me, quite publicly, while I repeatedly turned down anything more than friendship. I waited until he was nicely tied down and unavailable before I came after him.

 

OK but that sounds all a bit screwed up. He was besotted and chased you for almost 10 years but you rejected his advances and as soon as he managed to get a bit of happiness of his own with someone else, you then wanted him...

[pheonixrisen]

(((somanymistakes)))

 

You are getting a hard time on here, and I feel for you. But it's only because posters care and they see you making some of the mistakes that they made, holding onto hopes that they had, only for it to end up in heartbreak for many of them. People can see your situation objectively and they want to try to help you, even if it's through tough love and telling you things that you don't want to hear. Some of the advice is similar to the excellent advice that you yourself have given to other posters. But of course, here you can't be objective - I get that. And the trouble is, this type of tough love sometimes pushes people even further away and makes them defensive and dig in, determined to prove everyone wrong. I think that is happening to some extent here?

 

Sometimes people just have to find out the hard way for themselves, despite all the advice they are getting telling them to get out. I understand where you are. You have waited so long, invested so much and been through so much...and now, he's saying for the first time that he is actually going to leave. I totally understand that it's almost impossible for you to give up when the stakes are so high and you feel so close.

 

I think you are going to wait for him, and I understand. With that in mind, here is my advice.

 

1. Understand that statistically speaking, it is still unlikely that he will leave and be with you.

 

2. If he does leave, you will have some very tough years ahead and will probably make enemies. It will be a long time until you have the true peace and stability that you need for your relationship to flourish. Will either of you still be the same people then, or will all the stress and devastation destroy your fledgling relationship?

 

3. He has cheated before, and while I don't agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater", it is still more statistically likely that he will cheat again than someone who has never cheated. I know that the possibility of cheating is in me and I have to work on and watch myself every day to make sure it never happens again. Will you always be able to trust him? What about five years down the line when he starts having to go away on business trips? Will you always be looking over your shoulder?

 

4. If you are going to wait, prepare yourself for the possibility that it may never happen. It might happen, but statistics say it is unlikely. He has proved himself to be weak, and it takes a LOT of strength to do what he says he is going to do. Can he do it/ Time will tell. Protect your heart, Do not pin everything on it. If it happens, it happens, but don't allow the possibility of it not happening destroy you. Have a back up plan. Do not put your life on hold.

 

5. Set a time limit. He has now said he is leaving, so it's time for action. He should have put the legal process in place and be moved out in the next couple of months. There is absolutely no reason for him still to be there in, say, 6 months, still making excuses. He needs to know that, while you love him, you will not wait forever.

 

6. Further to 5. I believe that the absolute best chance that you have of pulling this off is to tell him you love him and that you are so pleased that he has decided to be with you. But now, in the best interests of everyone, you are going to go complete and total NC with him while he ends things with as much dignity as possible with his wife, without you anywhere on the scene. You look forward to seeing him, a few months in the future, with documentary evidence that he has filed and with him moved out and settled into a new routine. He has to do that bit without you. It is the very least she deserves. He has to grow a pair and sort things out with his wife like a real man. Do not let him lean on you - it is far too easy for him to cake eat and delay that way. Do not interfere at this vital time. Do not let yourself be seen as even more of a home-wrecker than she likely already does.

 

I don't think the chances of it working are great, I'll be honest. All evidence of similar stories points that way. However, there is a small chance it may work, and I feel that you cannot give up until you have tried everything. Set a reasonable time limit now and stick to it. That way you get your chance, but will not waste your whole life waiting. There are OW on here who have waited literally years only to end up alone - in middle age. Don't be that woman.

 

Keep posting. Don't let the tough love make you overly defensive. Everyone has your back even if it doesn't feel like it. We just don't want you to ruin your life.

 

Good luck and please stay with us.

 

I don't think the op is capable of number 6 .

 

From what I read it comes across op is very invested and has a deep need to clue him on everything that the wife is doing wrong to him.to look after his interest .plus op has deep seated issues of her own (as she her self mentioned several times)and will not be confident to leave this situation alone as if she does the mm may not leave his wife on his own she needs to constantly be in his ears to gently sway him in that direction.

While pretending she want him to save the marriage .

[deadsoul]

Personally I would tell him to get his **** together and once he's divorced, come find you and if you're still available and want him then you will consider starting a relationship with him.

 

But you won't. And he won't. And unfortunately, in three months, he will give you a new excuse and you will continue to believe it and wait.

 

By the time he runs out of excuses, I'm hoping you realize that you are worth more and deserve way better than these bread crumbs.

 

Or I could be wrong and he will divorce next week and you guys will ride off into the sunset on matching unicorns.

 

I also have the feeling that a conversation with the wifey would reveal a much different story.

[Starswillshine]

I think this affair is slightly different since there was a true relationship before this marriage. Probably a case of "first love?" If I had to guess, and really it is anyone's guess is that you finally came around when he was locked in a solid relationship/heading into marriage. His wife was a sure thing. Maybe stable, sure marriage. You seem to have had a rocky relationship before where you broke his heart. He may be excited to have you around, and he doesn't want you running off and moving on. He likely wants you but doesn't trust you... And loves his wife as well. He is confused.

 

You can continue to play into these confusions or you can leave him be yo figure out his mess on his own.

 

And please, for the love.... please don't counsel him in his marriage. That is a whole different level of manipulation.

Edited June 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[William]

As a reminder after doing some clean up, this is the The Other Man / Woman forum. Nobody should be shocked or surprised by what is being discussed here.... it's right there in the title. If that is a topic you tend to react negatively to or are otherwise uncomfortable with, there are many other forums on Loveshack that can use your input.

 

The OM/OW forum is held to the same standard of civility and respect as any other forum on Loveshack. It is here for those seeking advice and assistance to their situation without being berated or harassed. Those that choose to frequent these boards for that purpose will likely find themselves without posting privileges if that behavior continues ~T

Edited September 12, 2017 by William

[somanymistakes]

Tried to find my old thread but it wasn't turning up in a search.

 

I haven't been updating much because nothing much has been happening, same old stalemate where he's been trying to get her to agree to settle the finances and so on so they can split up amicably and she won't have any of it. This week, suddenly something happened. He came home to find her having a freakout, throwing plates out the front door towards the sidewalk. She screamed at him about how everything was his fault, he was making her crazy, he was a horrible person, he should be in jail. Then she said she never wanted to see him again, grabbed a bag, and stormed out.

 

For the past few days she hasn't come home and she's been refusing to speak to him at all. He checked with her work to be sure she was still coming in and hadn't done anything crazy to herself, but they say she's there, so that's a relief.

 

Considering how volatile she's been I don't trust yet that it's really over. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes home another day to find her sitting at home surrounded by cakes and flowers.

 

But if she stays gone, then it will count as an official separation and he can push forward with the divorce even without her consent.

 

Nothing is changing for our situation, because we have no intention of doing anything until at least the paperwork is in progress. Nobody is celebrating here, not even me. I'm certainly not going to rush over to their house while everyone is so upset. I don't intend to do anything at all, so I'm not really looking for advice. I'm just chronicling this whole crazy journey for posterity and a reminder of the cost of making stupid decisions about your love life.