I need assistance regarding communicating with someone mentally ill

[cabbageman]

I recognize now that my soon to be ex-gf is not the healthiest mentally, but I still feel like I could improve my communication with her until the time she moves out (which sadly won't be for a while I fear). I want to make sure that I am putting my best forth.

 

Here are some issues that come up again and again and again...

 

1) I come home to a tornado every day. At first I figured it was because my gf is just a messy person, which she is (lol), but recently I noticed something else. It seems that my gf is unable to just let the kid be bored. The typical scenario is like this...Kid wants attention, mamma gives it, mamma gets tired, baby still wants to play, mamma gives toy, kid plays with toy, baby gets bored and wants new toy. Cycle repeats until my house is a disaster or the kid falls asleep. GF literally loses her marbles every time the baby cries so the baby is basically not allowed to cry in a sense, which I think is super unhealthy. Baby sleeps well so it's not so bad. Anyways the kid is 1.4 years old now and TOTALLY learning mamma bears weakness, I have witnessed my child manipulating mamma bear but mamma bear won't admit this. Lol. When the kid is with me I make a strong point not to cave in and after a couple mins of fake cry she stops and plays by herself, awesome! I was raised like this, there was always too much work to do at home and I think it's important to teach kids that they are not the center of attention. Mind you I love to spend time with my kid so please don't get the wrong idea. I still supervise her and all that. Anyways my strategy works great until mamma bear comes home, and this is of course why nothing gets done all day. I have to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry because mamma bear is constantly hovering over the kid. Kind of exhausted. I can't keep leaving work dreading to get home to clean-up. I can't afford a cleaner. Does anybody have any articles or info they can share that I can pass onto my gf that might help in this regard? Should I just not clean-up anymore and see how that goes?

 

 

2) When you have a bad day and come home upset, do you keep it to yourself or share it with your partner? I'd love to talk to my gf about my bad days to get a load off, I think it's necessary in a healthy commited relationship, but everytime I try to she seems to take it personally, as if it's about her somehow (I presume she's a narcissist). I cannot talk to her about my bad days, she gets anxious and I get upset because I don't feel heard, so I leave and go to my friends to talk. I hang out with my friends for a couple hours, feel heard, feel great and return home replinished and positive, totally forgetting about worries. But there she is full of negativity, stewing in that emotion I left that she is unable to get past, yet it was not hers to begin with! She didn't have parents and that is increasingly obvious to me, she does NOT know how to handle emotions, of others and herself. She takes therapy but it's really not helping, I feel like she lies to her councellor or just doesn't tell the whole story and then when I try to talk to others I look like a liar. In general I feel like she is a leaf at the mercy of the wind, she was not taught solid ground and so it doesn't take much to tip her over if you understand what I mean. Is there anything I can do? How the heck do I communicate effectively with someone like this? Do you have any articles you can share?

 

I am so envious of other families or any other mamma bear that has her stuff together.

Edited March 23, 2018 by cabbageman