Wife had affair and got pregnant...welcoming advice

[nyr_fan]

I have posted on this site before, but my wife told me news last week that still has me in disbelief and confused. She told me she is pregnant by OM. I knew about the affair, and she has been living with her mother since early June.

 

I didn't know if we would ever get back together anyway, but this news is the exclamation point on this whole thing. She turned our marriage into the Jerry Springer show. I can't even explain the hurt and mixed feelings this has brought me. She is against abortion, so she said she HAS to have this baby or she would'nt be able to live with herself.

 

She says she is going to move away, to save the embarrasment to me and her. This, to me isn't going to solve anything. I try and tell her she cant run and hide from this. I don't know if I can continue contact with her throughout this whole ordeal. I don't know if I could handle it. The problem is though, we both own the house I live in, and we would have to still be in contact until it sells, and we get a divorce, and that will take a long time.

 

Has any of you been in a similar situation, or know someone else who has? Any advice would be helpful, since I am stupified, shocked, hurt, and totally devasted by this news.

[reservoirdog1]

Hey NYR... sorry to hear that, buddy. That's pretty much the ultimate nightmare outcome from infidelity.

 

My situation is similar but not in terms of outcome. When my daughter was six, now-exwife sat me down and told me she'd been miserable for the whole seven year marriage and had cheated many times. After prodding, she admitted that my daughter could be the bio product of somebody else. Over the ensuing two years, the likelihood of that has increased dramatically. There's never been a DNA test but my daughter looks like the OM.

 

Problem is, I didn't find this out till my daughter was six, and now she's mine. Plus there's another child of the marriage (this one mine I'm pretty sure, though XW was cheating around that time too).

 

If you don't have any other kids with that woman, I'd suggest you get the DNA test immediately, unless you know for a fact that it couldn't be yours. And if it's not yours, then frankly... I'd divorce her.

 

I hope that doesn't sound callous. But your wife has put you in this situation. You didn't ask for this. And it's monumentally unfair to expect you to step up to the plate and raise somebody else's child when it's still in utero.

 

It's true that you'll have some unresolved legal issues to deal with. But get a lawyer and get those started. Check and see if the laws where you live allow divorce on grounds of adultery -- then you can get out sooner. And when it's all done, you can cut her out of your life, at least if you don't have other kids.

 

The overall point being, if you have the opportunity and ability to make a completely fresh start, then take it. Much better than going through life with the shadow of a cheating spouse hanging over you.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch!

 

How far along is she? Is it over with the OM or is he still part of the picture, because there are other options if she doesn't want to keep this baby... Would she consider adoption?

 

I feel for you both, this has to be a huge letdown. Looks like you're the one who has to decide if you want to be married to her and have a child that is by the OM. Does he know yet?

 

As far as the house, if either of you are willing to buy out the other, that is one way of handling it, but the way you seem right now the best thing is to do nothing. Don't react without thinking and don't do anything that you may regret further down the road. Who knows? This baby could be a wonderful surprise addition to your family. Never say never...I figure right now you're not looking for this kind of advice, I don't know what else to say except give yourself some time to digest all of this. Talk to your family and close friends, even talk to a Therapist to help you cope.

[nyr_fan]

Thanks for the posts and advice guys.

 

First of all - I know for a fact she did not get pregnant from me. We have not been together sexually since April. She started her affair in early June and thats when she got pregnant. We have no other kids together, so that's also not an issue.

 

I don't think she ever planned on reconciliation anyway, but I don't think I could ever even want to attempt to raise someone else's child if she wanted me to. She hasn't told OM yet. In fact she hasn't told anyone else yet, and she is confused on how to go about it. I told her I wouldn't tell anyone until she figures this out better, and it isn't easy. Its humiliating to me, and will only get worse when everyone else finds out.

 

She would never give up her child, or even consider abortion. She has told me this already. Some how I'm going to have to accept and deal with this. I just dont know how. It makes me sick to think of her having this baby from this guy she cheated with.

[reservoirdog1]

If that's the case, then I'd get out. Don't doom yourself to a life with that woman. Her own special misfortune doesn't have to be yours.

 

Yes, you will be haunted for some times by the "what ifs" of the possible future you two could have had together before she cheated. But those are easier to get over when she's no longer part of your life, when she's just "not there."

 

Put in your situation, I could never stay with her. It's not the embryo's fault. But it's not yours either. If you try to be a father to it, I think you'll probably wind up resenting it -- that's human nature. In my case, I'd already built six years of love for my daughter before finding out the truth, and mercifully enough that hasn't suffered. She was my own in every way that mattered, long before I found out about the bio issue. Now I would never give her up, and my love for her will overcome any possible resentment.

 

You have a chance to start fresh, buddy -- with very little chaining you to the past. A chance to find somebody who's actually worth it, whose word and respect for commitments actually means something. There are many women out there who don't cheat. You and I just got dealt crappy partners. Better to experience pain in the immediate term, rather than dooming yourself to experience it potentially forever.

[nyr_fan]

I know what your saying dog. I appreciate your insight. I know I should try and just move on. I wish it was that easy. This whole thing has opened up my eyes on a lot of things. I'm glad even though you found out about the truth about your daughter, you still can love her and cherish what you have. You sound like a good man.

 

After all Iv'e been through, for some dumb reason I feel somewhat responsible for this. I feel I have failed in my marriage, and that I should have been a better husband and maybe none of this would have happened. I dont know, we'll see what happens next...

[RecordProducer]

Any advice would be helpful, since I am stupified, shocked, hurt, and totally devasted by this news.

 

I felt like that too when my ex-husband left me and our twins were only two years old. He was leaving me a few times before that too. At the time I couldn't see the real reason. Later I realized it was because I was so unhappy with him.

 

The common thing about divorces is that we always feel devastated, rejected, worthless, embarrassed, and we believe our case is the worst possible. Fortunately this is only a temporary feeling.

 

You will get over her sooner than you think and when you recall the past, you will realize that you're better off without her. Time cures broken hearts.

[nyr_fan]

Thanks for the encouragement RP. I know eventually over time things will get easier. It's just this damn news about her getting pregnant from this other guy that is so hard to hear and accept. I guess I will just take it day by day. That's all we can do, I guess.

[Dean3922]

After all I've been through, for some dumb reason I feel somewhat responsible for this. I feel I have failed in my marriage, and that I should have been a better husband and maybe none of this would have happened. I don't know, we'll see what happens next...

 

I think it's normal to feel responsible when a relationship fails. You have to remember that she cheated and she got pregnant by the OM. This was not your fault but hers. This is what you need to remember in the weeks and months to come. You feel sorry for the child but her actions are not your responsibility. She knows she will have to raise this child and you need to let her. Tough love I think is appropriate in this circumstance. If you still love her let her go and the two of you can make new lives for yourselves.

[Bryanp]

This is not your fault. She made a deliberate choice to have sex with another man and betray your marriage. She made a deliberate choice to not even have enough respect for you to use protection. She is now pregnant with the OM's child. Think long and hard if you really want to stay with a spouse that would do this to you. Is this really how you wish to live the rest of your life?

[reservoirdog1]

Look at it this way, NYR. You and your wife can each be said to be 50% responsible for what happened to the marriage.

 

However, she was 100% responsible for the affair and the pregnancy. People in a relationship have an obligation to try to fix it before running off into somebody else's bed. Her decision to choose a quick, easy, selfish, bandaid solution was hers and hers alone. The consequences of her decision, similarly, should be hers to bear. You didn't ask her to do what she did, and you shouldn't be stuck with the consequences. Your life, your future and your happiness should be your first priorities, since she clearly didn't give a damn about them.

[Ladyjane14]

She made a deliberate choice to not even have enough respect for you to use protection.

 

Your life, your future and your happiness should be your first priorities, since she clearly didn't give a damn about them.

 

I think that there is an innate urge to be forgiving and tolerant when you've been betrayed in your marriage. Weird, but true.

 

Sure, the infidelity makes you angry. But there's also this anxious feeling that you have to somehow "fix" it.....particularly, when the marriage itself is slipping out of your grasp, and you begin to feel limited in your choices. This is, afterall, someone you vowed to love forever.....but.....

 

The woman willfully risked your life and health.

 

I have a friend who went through this kind of trauma recently. There were more issues in the marriage then only the physical affair her husband had involved himself in. They are in the process of divorcing at this time.

 

I recently suggested to her that perhaps the marriage could have been saved, if there weren't these other issues to be dealt with in conjunction with the affair. But she said, "No, I could have handled those issues, and I could have handled the fact that he had sex with another woman. What I couldn't handle was the fact that he risked my life having unprotected sex. And he risked leaving our children alone in the world without either of their parents."

 

Now, she stayed with it for well over a year, trying to overcome this particular aspect of the infidelity, trying to find forgiveness. This is the knee-jerk reaction of the betrayed spouse....to fix it, and put the family back together as it was.

 

But she couldn't do it. And I can't blame her a bit. I couldn't have done it either. The "unprotected sex" aspect of it would have been the deal-breaker for me too.

 

You'll do whatever it is that you need to do, of course. But don't let anxiety of the unknown affect your judgement. Don't allow the 'knee-jerk' reaction to "fix it" enter into the equation. You'll just end up spending alot of time in more misery than is strictly warrented. Weigh the facts. Know your heart. Make your decision.

[RecordProducer]

Thanks for the encouragement RP. I know eventually over time things will get easier. It's just this damn news about her getting pregnant from this other guy that is so hard to hear and accept.

 

Oh, I forgot to tell you that I actually met someone who I believe is the love of my life (that's comforting , I hope ). And it's been just a few years since I split up with the ex. I had some unsuccessful short relationships before that, it's normal too, so don't get too desperate.

[nyr_fan]

You guys are great. I really do appreciate your support and insight on all these matters.

 

Ladyjane, you are exactly right. Sometimes I feel an urgency to somehow try and "fix" something. I feel somewhat responsible for this and I still feel

the need to try and somehow protect her. The more time that goes by I think the easier it will be to let go.

 

Also, not that it really matters, she claims they did use protection and she got pregnant anyway. I dont know if I believe her, but I guess it does happen sometimes.

[Jason32514]

Jesus, I'm going through the same exact thing only I have a two-year-old girl to throw into the equation. My wife even told me they used a condom and it was supposedly a drunken one night stand for her but what are the chances of her having sex one time using a condom and getting pregnant. I'm also having feelings of trying to fix all of this now that the initial shock is subsiding. We were also separated at the time but I was desperately trying to work things out with her. I don't know what to do either, I feel like a fool for being as forgiving for even considering giving her a second chance but I guess love is blind. I wish I knew what to tell you but I don't know what to do myself. I guess when it all boils down to it the easiest thing to do would be to let go but it's hard when you still love the person and I keep telling myself everyone makes mistakes.