Do people change?

[JennFoss]

Do people change? Assuming they were totally immature and did you dirty, do they treat the next person better? Especially if the relationship started couple of months after your breakup?

 

Should I feel like something is wrong with me for getting rejected? It seems like when others disregard me, I disregard myself as well thinking well they’ve seen all of me and still didn’t love me.

 

Someone on here said if it wasn’t right for him, then it’s not right for you either and that blew my mind. It’s not that I’m less than him for him not wanting me, but the fact that he didn’t want me, makes it clear that I shouldn’t want him either?

Edited March 23, 2018 by JennFoss

[HiCrunchy]

The answer is some people do and some people don't.

At the end of the day it's their choice of they wish to change.

[alphamale]

people only change when there is some major life event like getting cancer or losing all your money

[Woggle]

People do change but it is a long process and they have to do some serious reflection and introspection. Most people don't seem capable of that.

[Zapbasket]

People do change but it is a long process and they have to do some serious reflection and introspection. Most people don't seem capable of that.

 

What Woggle said.

 

And, people treat you badly because of THEM, not because of you.

[anika99]

People do change but it is a long process and they have to do some serious reflection and introspection. Most people don't seem capable of that.

 

I agree. Most people change in very small increments over many many years. Very rarely does anyone change significantly in a short span of time.

[carhill]

OP, when you used 'immature', it caused me to think young, still learning and integrating into adult peer groups. If so, change and improvement are often noted here in discussions regarding relationships. People often learn from the mistakes and poor choices of youth and 'mature' into balanced, loving and respectful adults. Some don't, sure. However, regardless, the people their words and actions affected and/or damaged are also real and valid. I write it off to life not being just or fair. Some people hurt and some people get hurt. I'll bet all of us have fallen into both categories at one time or another.

 

I kind of like the AA motto, today I won't take a drink. I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. That seems to work with a lot of incremental change in fundamental behavior. Easy? Nope!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

One of the most hurtful things my exH ever said to me (and he said and did a LOT) was, "She doesn't even believe me when I tell her about how I treated you because I would never treat her that way."

 

Yes, people change and treat the next person better. It hurts a lot. "Why didn't I deserve to be treated with that respect?"

 

Therapy can help with this.

[preraph]

I would say most of the time people do not change the most core things, but a different person may have a dynamic with them such that they can get the person to do things for them they wouldn't do for the ex. An example is house cleaning. Just like with raising kids, if you give in once you ask someone to help out and they're a big enough jerk, they will simply outwait you until you do it yourself and try to make YOU the villain for nagging them. Now, the next woman who comes along might be so hot that the guy makes some attempt to appease her. Or she may be so manipulative that she can "sweetie" him into just about anything. Or she may simply walk out on him if he won't do his part, which is really the best thing to do and the best reason.

 

If enough women did this, the man would either learn to help out if he wants a woman or live on his own or pay to hire a maid, which is what I'd do if I were him. But if he has deepseated ideals that a woman should be the housekeeper, no one will get anywhere with him. If he's just lazy, desperation might eventually make him fix it.

 

But no, he's not going to change with you. You bring the same dynamic you brought before. He let you leave rather than fix whatever it was before.

 

Listen, you would think time would change the dynamic but with the exception of that few years when maturity sets in between 25 and 35, if it's ever going to, when people's brains are fully developed, not much will change in the way two people will interact.

 

Example: Went to a 30 year reunion of a band I was friends with and dated one guy. We all had an interactional dynamic. We fell into roles around each other. After 30 years, you'd think that would just have dissipated, but I remember talking on the phone with one of them leading up to the gig and he told me a secret he would only tell me because of a bond we had decades before. Then once at the gig, I was quickly once more the band counselor, with people coming up, sitting down and airing their grievances. Nothing had changed. Then the ex had a new sidekick who looked just like me and was the age I was then, walked like me, talked like me, even though he was married. She actually came up and said, "I'm the new you."

 

Nothing changes. There's too many men out there to sit around and hope one who isn't up to par will reform!

 

And that was probably me who you read saying if they know you're not the woman for them -- they're not the man for you. I mean, unless you're a masochist who just likes to be stepped over.

[Arieswoman]

JennFoss,

 

Should I feel like something is wrong with me for getting rejected?

 

No, no, and no again.

 

If someone rejects you then it's about them, not you.

 

If someone does the dirty on you, be glad they did reject you. Now you can move on to better things.

 

Who care if he treats the next person like a queen? It doesn't change how he was with you, and from what you say that wasn't good.

 

Personally, I don't think people can change their basic personality but they can make some effort to modify their behaviour in small ways.

[burnt]

Severe shock or unusually traumatic pain is what usually causes us to change.

 

When things are 'fine', our minds silently say to us "carry on as is". When we suffer a great loss or experience a sudden pain, we stop, reflect and question; we question reasons and our actions, and as a result we become more observant. Consciously or subconsciously we adapt, learn from the 'mistake', and develop new skills that make us "change" and act differently the next time.

 

In the context of relationships,

if someone treats you badly and as a result only you suffered emotional pain and they didn't, then they have little reasons to change.

 

But if someone puts in a lot of effort and gets hurt, then he/she will be very gun shy, cautious, and less trusting with subsequent relationships as a result; so yes, the person changes--willingly or unwillingly for the sake of emotional self defense.

 

And if someone is in a relationship and puts in little effort and as a result loses the partner, then he/she often also "changes" by learning to put in more effort with the next partner so as to avoid the same loss again.

 

But as several other posters have said, most fundamentally at the core we never really change. According to some psychological theories, by the time we are five years old, our most basic personalities have been solidified and we pretty much stay the same, except for minor changes that take place throughout our lives.

[Shanex]

That's a great question and this thread should deliver.

 

Woogle and alphamale among other posters are on the money.

 

Self reflection, getting a nasty illness can change a bully into a pussycat, even then, not always.

 

When you treat people so poorly, you have a serious problem. Maybe a mental disorder.

 

I could be wandering about my own experience but in short: I was a very obnoxious, tedious teenager. And looking back, I think I was a teen until almost 25 year old.

 

I'm definitely and that's the opinion of most people who know me a better person now. People CAN change because of life events. As for relationships, maybe so too, treating the next person better? Well I dunno. Did you treat him well too? Again, I dunno.

 

I learned to treat people the way I wish to be treated and it doesn't work too bad. Some people are outright mean and stupid and there isn't much we can do about it.

[snowboy91]

People can also change if they realise what they are doing isn't making them happy. This can also take the appearance of slight incremental change or major changes. I know I've had to change a lot to avoid falling back into depression.

 

Are you the same person you were 10 years ago (or even 5)? If not, there's proof that people can change - you have! But the change is so slow it's best to assume they won't change.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

People can also change if they realise what they are doing isn't making them happy. This can also take the appearance of slight incremental change or major changes. I know I've had to change a lot to avoid falling back into depression.

 

Are you the same person you were 10 years ago (or even 5)? If not, there's proof that people can change - you have! But the change is so slow it's best to assume they won't change.

 

I get the feeling OP is seeking some reassurance that her ex's new woman is going to be treated as poorly by him as she was. Unfortunately, there's no reassurance of that. People can and do learn from their mistakes, but it's not a reflection on anyone but themselves.

[Keats]

Change is very painful. Doesn't matter what the benefit is.

 

And a lot of people are not into that, unless their hand is forced by circumstances of life.

 

Best leave them to change, as it takes years.