I've been married for 5 months and want out.

[Whatamidoingomg]

Here's my story. I've been with my husband for about 4 and half years only been married for 4 months of that time. We've always gotten into fights and he's brought up breaking up many times over our relationship. But for whatever reason I clinged on, having panic attacks every time we get into that kind of arguement. I was obsessed with the delusion that this was my true love and that we needed to stay together forever. I lied to my friends and family about how great everything was all the time so that they thought I had really met the perfect guy. I justified these lies by telling myself they wouldn't understand his character like I do. That his tantrums and drunken verbal abuse were just something he was working on, maybe he is bipolar like his mother, I'm a strong loving person and I wanted to help him through that. Because apparently I think I'm a licensed psychologist who can handle that kind of disease. He's said horrible things when he gets drunk that have and always will linger with me. I forgave him. He has a violent past but has never laid a hand on me which makes me special? Or so I thought. I got really depressed not long into our relationship and I always thought it was something wrong with me not the relationship. I was in a pit of depression for the last 4 years and I'm finally seeing the light. With that light came I sense of clarity. I realize I'm scared to talk to this guy. I'm scared to be honest with him. And this has caused a crippling inability to talk about my feelings. I dread coming home, I feel I'm going get in trouble all the time like a freaking child. We hardly have sex and we have almost nothing in common. Opposites attract I thought? More like oil and water now. I feel horrible that I made a commitment to this man and now I don't think I even love him. I feel anxiety ridden that my parents just spent an insane amount of money on the wedding and now I want to throw it all away. I feel like I'm giving up something I committed to and I feel like a failure. But I also feel like I finally know what I need to be happy and that's freedom. From him. How do I find the courage to disappoint my entire family, and his whole family who have been nothing but wonderful to me. How do I find the courage to tell him how I feel and make the changes I feel I need to?

[Maddieandtae]

You need to start bringing trusted family members/friends into what is really happening in your relationship and you need to be honest with your husband with someone present if you feel fearful that you need time apart to evaluate if the relationship can be saved.

 

Your safety and mental health needs to come first, you only get this one life and it should be lived to the best of your ability! Please seek counseling as well, any type of abuse is soul shattering and making the easiest decisions can become confusing so you will need quidance on how to make rational decisions:)

[d0nnivain]

Pretend one of your patients told that tale of woe to you. How would you counsel the person? Now take your own advice.

[Fdb]

Wow, the mental process of your is so similar to mine.i was finding all the excuses for him to explain his behavior. I never talked to my family about my problems and my struggles. Till I ran out of excuses for him after 18 years and I made the decision to leave. The decision hit my sisters like a stone in their heads since they always thought I was perfectly happy.

If it is constant stress for you, leave. You do not have to understand what he is thinking because nothing should be explain the bad behavior. You just have one life, live it!

Relationship always needs work to make it thrive, but not suffer to make it to survive.

Good luck!

[Downtown]

Maybe he is bipolar like his mother.

Maybe he is bipolar, What. That is not what you're describing here, however. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine whether it is a full-blown disorder. Instead, I'm suggesting he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," temper tantrums, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I'm a strong loving person and I wanted to help him through that.

Likewise, I am a strong caregiver like you. Yet, if your H really is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), your continued presence in the marriage likely does more harm than good.

 

You are in a no-win predicament due to the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort him and assure him of your love, you will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

I always thought it was something wrong with me not the relationship.

If you really have been living with a BPDer for 4 years, it is not surprising that you are feeling very confused. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

I'm finally seeing the light. With that light came a sense of clarity.

For additional clarity, I suggest you take a quick look at my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs.

 

If most of those warning signs ring a bell and raise questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. If you decide your H is exhibiting strong BPD symptoms, I would recommend you read the book Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Another good book -- if you're having difficulty leaving a BPDer -- is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

[bathtub-row]

I was once married to a verbally abusive man and it has been my experience that psychologists don’t know much at all about the dynamics of these relationships. While we were in counseling, psychologists breezed over critical behaviors. It was astounding. Then one of them had the nerve to offer to put me on anti-depressants because I was depressed about my horrible marriage. I found the whole thing geared toward diminishing the abuser’s actions and making me feel bad about what was happening.

 

It doesn’t matter if your husband is bipolar or bisexual or bi-stupid. He’s abusive and, in the book of relationships, that’s a deal breaker. And he isn’t fixable. I understand not broadcasting negative things about your relationship but when you all-out lie to your family and close friends in order to deceive them, then you’re killing their trust in you and destroying your only safe hold in the world. Now that the two of you are married, expect the abuse to escalate. And if you decide to leave, expect his remorse to go into high gear. In the end, none of it matters. He’s abusive and always will be. Your shame about the whole situation is the hook that keeps you where you are.