Saw Ex AP

[Eight]

My husband and I were driving yesterday and I saw him walking down the street, alone, looking at his phone. I haven't seen him since December of 2016. My stomach dropped and I had a flurry of emotions all at once. Sadness, anger, jealousy, melancholy, more sadness. It was like I was back in that place again. The lying, the sneaking, the feeling like crap most of the time.

 

The first thought I had was "I wonder if he's meeting someone else secretly." Seriously, that was my very first thought. (Says a lot about affairs and trust, doesn't it?)

 

I didn't look back as we passed, but I felt like I took a couple steps backward emotionally or maybe just realized that it's always going to be a part of me that reacts. I'm not sure how to explain how I felt. It was hard to shake it off and I had to write about it as I didn't feel the need to mention I saw him to my husband (he didn't notice him) and I don't have anyone else to talk to other than here.

 

Don't get me wrong; I don't want to be that person again or go back, but it was like the old synapses and habits were still there, ready to fire. It made me feel bad. Like I've worked so hard but still have this connection and it's frustrating. I want to be free of it; of feeling like that, of even HAVING a reaction to seeng him. Sad and a little defeated I guess.

 

I don't know how any of you who work with or still see your ex AP everyday manage. I really don't think that would be possible for me after how I felt after just an incidental citing from my car.

[Poppy47]

Hello Eight,

 

I had a similar experience a little while back.

 

I didn't actually see exMM. There was however his absolute carbon copy walking towards me in my local shopping centre.

 

It was a total panic situation. I felt weak. nauseous and came home until I recovered later in the day.

 

It was as if somebody had kicked me in the stomach. Yes, it is disappointing to find that after all the effort and time put into recovery, the very thought of him still has the power to undo me.

 

The important thing is, it didn't undo me permanently. I am still complete NC and some days never think of him at all.

Poppy.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think it's perfectly normal to feel and react that way when you see someone with whom you associate negative feelings/experiences. I hardly ever have to see my exH in person because our kids are teenagers, but when I do, I hate it, especially if it's unplanned like at the grocery store. My stomach lurches, I feel panicked, I feel awful about myself..... Ugh.

[grass-hopper]

I don't know how any of you who work with or still see your ex AP everyday manage. I really don't think that would be possible for me after how I felt after just an incidental citing from my car.

 

It’s nearly impossible to manage in that situation, it’s literally making me physically sick.

 

I’m sure the moment caught you off guard and flooded you with emotions you thought you had under control. But it will soon pass and you will return to that great place you were before and he’ll again be a fleeting memory.

[Dutchman1]

Hello Eight,

 

I hope that your pain one day will be changed into Limerence.

That you and your husband can just walk past this man, and don't think twice.

You will have remorce than.

 

I think you are a lucky lady, a lady who had a two year PA, risked marriage, future and family, and got fairly unskaved out of it.

 

Brave to confess, I will give you that, and much braver is your husband who choose to give you a second chance.

 

You'll get there, keep boundaries in place, and do not f..k up again please.

 

All the best to you and your family.

 

Dutchman1

[isolatedgothic]

Seeing "that person" again, whoever it is, and whoever we are, is hard. So many thoughts and feelings come flooding back. It makes a person wonder if indifference is ever to truly be found.

 

I think it's a positive that you are able to reflect on what you were feeling in the moment when you saw him again, and yet go on and recognize the good in what you have today. Things could have turned out so much differently, and yet here you are, doing good.

 

I'm glad you posted this. It gives me hope that some day, I can see mine too, and shake my head at the memory, and carry on with walking forward.

[Eight]

It's been nearly two months since my post, and I have to say, I know I'm stronger every day; or that I know myself and my "issues" better is perhaps a better way of saying it.

 

When I think of him now, or think of seeing him, it makes me realize how far I've come from that lost person I was two years ago. I think when I saw him for that first time in March, I was "triggered," not in a feeling of love or romance or melancholy, but of disdain and remorse for who I was "then." It was like PTSD; being thrown back into that life with the person I was then. It's just a "yuk" feeling thinking of that time in my life. Seeing him made me feel dark, negative and reminded me of when I turned away from my true self; and made decisions that were not of someone who loves themself and thus cannot love anyone else.

 

I think it was a Dark Night of the Soul for me for sure. I feel like I "woke up." One that caused intense pain, but also intense growth. I wouldn't do it again, however. But it certainly shined a light on all the areas in my life that needed attention.

[Eight]

Hello Eight,

 

I hope that your pain one day will be changed into Limerence.

That you and your husband can just walk past this man, and don't think twice.

You will have remorce than.

 

I think you are a lucky lady, a lady who had a two year PA, risked marriage, future and family, and got fairly unskaved out of it.

 

Brave to confess, I will give you that, and much braver is your husband who choose to give you a second chance.

 

You'll get there, keep boundaries in place, and do not f..k up again please.

 

All the best to you and your family.

 

Dutchman1

 

Thank you for your well-wishes; I just wanted to correct a couple of things.

 

I didn't have a two year PA. It was 15 months, mostly EA during that time. I know, it's not a huge deal; but still, that's the fact.

 

Further, I would disagree with your assesment that I came out "rather unscathed" That is not true. At all. It's conjecture on your part. I certainly don't feel "unscathed."

 

Finally, my husband did stick by me as he had some things occur during the same time period and we were able to see where we were both neglecting our marriage while navigating through a changing time in our lives.

[malvern99]

I've always felt open and honest communication builds the strongest relationships, even when that communication is uncomfortable. My advice for you would be to not withhold the fact that you saw your AP or your reaction to the sighting from your spouse. It's tempting to hide these little nuggets out of self preservation, fear or whatever, but ultimately, if you and your BH/WH are committed to reconciliation, then firm boundaries on both sides of the M must be set and maintained, and one of the most important boundaries is truth. If they aren't, then the same patterns that led you both to infidelity will reemerge, because hiding small seemingly meaningless stuff is always the prelude to hiding big meaningful things. They go hand in hand. Best of luck and congrats on looking inward to try to understand your feelings instead of reaching out to AP.

[BluesPower]

It's been nearly two months since my post, and I have to say, I know I'm stronger every day; or that I know myself and my "issues" better is perhaps a better way of saying it.

 

When I think of him now, or think of seeing him, it makes me realize how far I've come from that lost person I was two years ago. I think when I saw him for that first time in March, I was "triggered," not in a feeling of love or romance or melancholy, but of disdain and remorse for who I was "then." It was like PTSD; being thrown back into that life with the person I was then. It's just a "yuk" feeling thinking of that time in my life. Seeing him made me feel dark, negative and reminded me of when I turned away from my true self; and made decisions that were not of someone who loves themself and thus cannot love anyone else.

 

I think it was a Dark Night of the Soul for me for sure. I feel like I "woke up." One that caused intense pain, but also intense growth. I wouldn't do it again, however. But it certainly shined a light on all the areas in my life that needed attention.

 

 

 

You know I totally understand what you are feeling. I think that everyone has that twinge when they see an old lover.

 

 

I really feel that way when I see my Ex wife.

 

 

But you know, I sense the pain that you feel about what you have done.

 

 

However, don't you think it would have been better if you felt something like this:

 

 

"Saw my Ex AP the other day walking down the street. I felt horrible for what I have done to my marriage, my children and most of all my husband. The man that I love, the man that loved me enough to take me back after the worst betrayal anyone can have in their live. How I could have ever done that to my husband I will never know. But the gift of reconciliation that he gave me was the biggest gift I have ever received."

 

 

You know, that would have sounded so much better...

[misspalmy]

did you tell you hubby? if you did u didnt take step back as you told that means a step forward