Ashbash11 Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here in a long time.... Fast forward to the present: I moved to Boston (from Maryland, look at my older threads), got a new job here, my own apartment, and started exercising 4x/week. I also do yoga and weekly meditation. My goal was to "change my life" and "increase my happiness." I lost 45 pounds in 7 months... I'm more physically active and trying to improve my physical and mental state. I moved at the advice of my therapist, who said it was to save my life (I was suicidal with a "plan" before I moved). however.... My depression and anxiety are still here. I also continue to have very low self-esteem. I am currently in a long distance marriage with my husband, which is also hard. He still lives in Maryland, in our house. He plans to move eventually, but no date set yet...The future of my marriage is unknown, which definitely adds to my anxiety. I still find myself feeling depressed most of the time. The main trigger is loneliness.. when I am alone for too long, I start to fall into a negative thought pattern and it spirals out of control. I was in therapy for at least 7 years, and I've seen many different therapists and had different types of therapy, but nothing has ever worked. I feel lost in life still. I thought that moving and starting a new life would help, and it did in the beginning, but maybe the honeymoon period is over now. As the saying goes, "wherever you go, there you are." You can't escape yourself. If you have a mental illness, it will always be there to some degree. Is my only hope to take anti-depressants? Therapy hasn't helped... doing yoga, exercising, meditation, all of it.. hasn't helped. I'm continuing with Meetup groups and other activities to try to make new friends, because the loneliness can be debilitating. It's harder when you're in your 30's (as I am), and I am living in a city as a "married but single woman." My husband doesn't live here, so most of the couples I know don't want to hang out with me alone.. But.. I'm also not single, so I can't really go out with my single friends who want to meet women/men. Sorry.. this post is kind of all over the place. My main point is that I am still struggling with depression, social anxiety, and suicidal thoughts (at times). I feel like I will never know what happiness is, or feels like. Most of my life, I have felt lonely. It's rare that I feel a true connection with other people. Even with my husband.. he's sort of distant, a "computer science" type.. very rational/logical. We don't always have an emotional connection. Most people are settled down with their spouses/kids, and it's harder and harder to meet friends my age who have similar interests. Being an adult in your 30's is incredibly lonely and confusing, in my experience. No one ever talks about this time of life. You're supposed to have it all figured out by now. And I clearly don't. It seems like I should be happy, but I am not. I don't know if it's chemical, or a result of my dysfunctional childhood (which was abusive), or some combination. Am I destined to be lonely and unhappy for the rest of my life? I am also shy/anxious, so that doesn't help. I've been treated badly by people for so much of my life because I am nice, caring, and kind. People take advantage of me all the time. I used to be even more of a doormat when I was younger, but I started toughening up in older age, and my assertiveness angers my old friends now. They aren't used to be standing up for myself. I just don't know what to do anymore, short of taking medications or moving out of the US altogether. I've thought many times about moving abroad, just because shy/quieter people are treated better in some other countries. In America, the extrovert is praised and revered. Everyone strives to be the life of the party. Quiet people are viewed as unfriendly, or "weird" or like there's something wrong with us that needs to be "fixed." Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 First, congratulations on your weight loss and transformation. I think that was very brave of you to embark on such a journey all on your own. Second, I think the root of your unhappiness is your unfulfilling marriage. I think if you work on that aspect of your life (whether it entails marriage counseling or divorce), you will be able to move on and let go of an anchor that is weighing you down and keeping you from experiencing the happiness and joy tht you deserve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 I have a question... Could all of the snow and ice be adding to your depression?? Personally, I hate the cold weather. Do you think you may be happier or less depressed if you moved someplace warmer?? Florida, Arizona, Some parts of New Mexico, Some parts of Texas?? Didn't you guys just get hit by a couple of Nor-Easter Snow Storms?? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 (edited) Ash, I'm so glad you moved and are doing a little bit better, even if not 100%. I honestly think your marriage has run its course. I'm not saying that based solely on this thread, but rather based on your previous ones about how you guys fought on an almost daily basis for years on end. Staying in a relationship like that cannot possibly be healthy for anyone, regardless of whether they had a physiological serotonin imbalance or not. You have no kids together, you're both still young, you've tried for years to fix things and nothing is working. It may be time to cut the cord. There is also no shame in taking medications when you need them, to tie you over a difficult time in your life. Plenty of people lead very happy, successful lives by using medication judiciously for what it was intended for. I can't comment on moving out of the US - it's possible it may help and it's possible it may not. It all depends on where you'll be moving to and what you plan on doing there. Edited March 26, 2018 by Elswyth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 hippychick3: Thank you.. It was definitely scary, moving to a new state, getting a new job, and starting over but let me tell you: it was the BEST decision I could have made. I don't regret it for a minute! I understand what you said about my marriage.. I've been worried that it is definitely contributing to my unhappiness. It's a weird situation though, because we were in couples therapy prior to me moving to Boston... and then things deteriorated to the point where I had to move to save my life, basically. So.. we were kind of left "hanging" in our relationship. The problems are still there, unresolved. I'm hoping that if/when he moves here, we can resume couples therapy. I even considered doing it long distance (once/month or so).. It's just a complex situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 Happy Lemming: Believe it or not, the weather has very little effect on me. I grew up in upstate NY, so I'm used to cold/snow/wind/darkness. It's been my life for years... I actually don't let the New England weather stop me. I go out all the time, even when it's snowing and cold and awful outside. Enjoy the warm weather for me, though! I see you're located in Florida?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ashbash11 Posted May 25, 2018 Author Share Posted May 25, 2018 Elswyth- Hi, my old friend! Long time no see! Thank you for your thoughtful reply, as always. I know that you've followed me for years on here, so you have a pretty good idea of what I've been through. I very much appreciate you taking the time to reply to my thread. I do have to agree with you about the marriage "running its course.." However, I am hesitant to do anything drastic at this time because we are still long distance and as I mentioned above, we stopped couples therapy abruptly when I moved to Boston. We have a lot of unresolved issues that I'd like to try to work through before I make any big moves. You know, it's been really hard because when I think of divorcing my husband, I feel incredibly devastated, and like I could never do it... But... when I'm in Boston without him, I feel free, and excited, and passionate about life. It's very confusing. I'm pretty ambivalent about our marriage. My husband mentioned that he feels depressed... I think we both have some mental health challenges that are compounding some of our issues. Yes, we did fight a lot last year, but it was also a bad situation. I think it's been difficult for me to tell whether its us or the circumstances, or both? Who knows.. One of my close college friends just got divorced after being with the guy for 12 years.. She's the happiest I've ever seen her. I'm 33 and finally happy with where I live, my body, and my social life is improving.. But... Love life is still not great. We've been doing this long distance marriage for about 9 months now, and it's becoming draining. Link to post Share on other sites
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