Ex Messaged me after 8 months....I'm still shook

[deadoralive4]

This is a long rant so if you care enough to read do at your own discretion. If not you can just skim lol.

 

So my ex broke my heart 8 months ago, maybe I made a post here a while ago when it happened because I was shattered and depressed for a while. I'm not gonna go into my relationship with her unless anyone wants, I made a post about it a while ago I kinda vented then about her. But yeah for like 3 months I was depressed, on meds, going to therapy, I have really bad depression and anxiety, I can usually control it, but after that, I just broke down. After that I finally went back to being my self, I won't say I became enlightened or anything but I started talking to other girls, talking and hanging out with my friends, and distracted myself and I felt better, thinking of her was just a thought, that didn't bring any emotion anymore, well despite spite. I felt as though she used me and she became an evil person at times and made me felt small. I was naive and just wanted to be loved, I wanted something simple. She promised marriage, and loving me forever you know dumb stuff. At the time I believed every word and assumed we'd live happily ever after. She moved to college and we were long distance for a month before she broke up with me. This is just a synopsis.

 

Now to current day, I've not talked to her in like 8 months, I went no contact first as a way to get her back, then I just did it to heal, I knew nothing I could have done would change anything so I just kept distracting myself. Today, I get a message from her like 3 or 4 hours ago (at night) well from an unknown number saying "hey"/ I asked who it is she said "your ex" we conversed for a bit as I thought it was one of my friends messing with me. She then wrote a long paragraph about our relationship and dates to prove it was her. I was shocked to hear from her but now desperate.

 

I was acting cold and indifferent but "polite" as I should. But I felt as though I needed to push my "progress" on her. I said something like" I'm happy you made me realize a lot about life" I was gonna say how it made me tougher and more realistic then she said something that shattered me.

 

Before I could finish she said "Learned that you shouldn't date someone out of your league" Also girls don't like insecure guys, it's super unattractive".

 

I started crying like a bitch for some reason. Yes, she was pretty moody and said somewhat mean things to me when we were dating but I couldn't believe this came out of her mouth. I was there for her throughout all her "bipolar" mood swings of how she said she hated herself and no one loves her. She was very jealous and needy. Yet I put up with it and tried helping her. Yet this is how she messages me after 8 months of no contact. I did nothing to deserve this.....

 

I thought I was over her, it's been 8 months we dated for like 4. But she was my first. In everything...... She did mean a lot to me. I'll admit I was a pushover and inexperienced but I just didn't want to lose her so I let her have her way. I'm not like that now but still. Something cracked in me I started sobbing and having the worse panic attack I've had. It's like all the progress and me moving on just slipped away. Anyways, I stood up for myself this time, saying that's extremely rude and narcissistic of her, and that I'm happy with how I am, everyone is equal we're all humans, you're not better than me. She's then like "you really think so?" Again I'm baffled.... I start to compose myself again and I talk sternly to her and uninterested while she keeps replying back to me.

 

She then apologizes for saying that stuff to me and said she was being a bitch. Well, I don't say anything, she should apologize, **** her lol... It made me feel small and belittled, but I realized I'm not who I was before completely, I'm not letting people walk over me. I confront her about it without acting like an insecure pussy or an *******. She just accepts what I say and becomes somewhat subservient.... I reply little and uninterested. Honestly, I don't know what I want from this... I ask her why she messaged me, she said she can't sleep. Um ok and? why me? I say did someone break up with you and you're coming to me about it to cry? She said "no I broke up with my ex a month ago we dated for 6 months blah blah" It hurt hearing that, the girl I once loved, with some tool I assume. She said she broke up but, I feel like it's the other way around.... anyways this is getting long sorry. We kept small talking and she said something about coming home for break like an hour ago and I have yet to respond.

 

I'm probably going to go to sleep. My question is, what does she want with me? Does she want to use me to feed her ego, does she want to get back? or is it something else.

 

Honestly deep down I still want her but I don't want to date her 8 months ago, she's changed but I'm not sure if it's for the best or worse after that. She didn't argue with me but still. Me raging at her would just make me look worse, I' m over that. In a perfect world, I'd like to be with her and everything just works out, but this is reality, and I'm unsure of what will happen. I'm not desperate for her but she still holds a place in my heart, maybe i think we could work with the new me, but also a part of me is afraid of it happening all over again.

 

Any advice would help. I'm still learning and growing, I've seen the women out there, nothing stands out really, or people put on a persona and are evil deep down. She hurt me but I don't like giving up on people, will she just ignore me from now on or genuinely want to get back. I feel like she was testing me earlier by asking how I've changed. I'm going back to my therapist though, as It'ss obvious I still need to. Hopefully, it helps regardless of what happens. Thanks for listening. I'm finally gunna sleep, things get sorted tom. I'm in a bad place.