Family puts in no effort

[Philosoraptor]

So it has been quite awhile since I've been back here. I have a wonderful wife, a 23 month old son, and another son due in June. Life has been pretty great outside of one thing.

 

Previous to my son Lucas being born, I would visit my family weekly. I would take my younger sisters (who I considered to be my best friends) out places and we would have fun. When we found out we were pregnant we excitedly visited both our parents. Her mom was thrilled and it was great. When we visited my mother her response was "that's nice". Totally disappointing, but we moved past it. When we got pregnant I let my family know I could no longer put in all of the effort, they would have to meet me half way. It's less than a 15 minute drive, so I figured it would be no big deal. I brought it up more often the closer we got to the due date, and let them know it was an open invitation. Just give a ring and make sure we are home, then get on the way. I have reiterated that many times since Lucas has been born. The only person who has called and came over is my father, who has been great with Lucas.

 

Lucas was born, and my mother has visited a total of 4 times. Once to see him initially, once for his birthday (where she barely said a word to us and didn't interact with Lucas), once when I offered to host a family gathering when my Grandmother came up to visit, and this past Christmas. Eve when I tried to get the family together and again, barely a word was spoken. Phone wise she has initiated a call once in the past 20 months.

 

I would stop by every 3-4 weeks plus major holidays since Lucas was born and I would call at least every 2 weeks. Often during calls the first thing I would hear "wasn't sure I was going to ever hear from you again", and I would remind my mother that the phone works both ways. During the visits my sisters (who are now adults) would barely say a word to us, and never wanted to hold or interact with Lucas when offered. My mother often sat across the room, but occasionally would try to interact with him some. My father, as I said before, was great and would get down on the floor and play with him. Whether it was on the phone or in person, when we would tell her about Lucas's accomplishments her response was always "they do that". I can understand my older sister has 6 kids and it may not be exciting, but this was my baby and I was excited to share his milestones.

 

After the disaster this Christmas, having them in our house barely speaking a word to us, I was exhausted putting in all the effort. I pulled back and just left the ball in their court. If they wanted to call or see me, they would do so. My father has come over a few times this year and called (I've called him as well), my younger sisters came over once with my aunt and barely said a word to us, but ran off to the other room to whisper. My mother has done nothing. No calls and certainly no visits.

 

About 2 weeks ago one of my sisters texted and asked why I haven't seen my mother this year and I explained the facts to her in a stoic manner. That not once has my mother asked to see him, not once has she called since a call on my birthday in 2016, and that I could no longer put in all the effort. Simply if I didn't do all the reaching out to the family, that my father was the only one who put in any effort the other way. She apparently shared those facts with my mother and she went ballistic. I called yesterday morning trying to get ahold of my father. My mother answered and she told me all the ways I've disappointed her for about 7 minutes. She told me she wanted to cuss me out, that I never gave her the chance to love Lucas, and how it's my fault that things are the way they are. She told me things I've said before, and I corrected her saying I didn't say such things. Her response was "I know that isn't what you said, but that's what I heard". Something I've heard a lot, that what actually is said doesn't matter, only what she makes up in her head. I have a history of being a pleaser and putting keeping the peace over my own well being, and surprised myself by saying calmly "this obviously isn't a good time, I love you, I'm hanging up the phone now, goodbye".

 

So here I am now, with zero interest in ever talking to her again. My mother is a bully who plays the victim. She expects everyone else to cater to her needs and opinions, while giving very little back. My family plays guilt trips, yet puts in no effort. If I don't do 100% of the reaching to cover the entire gap, there is no communication... no relationship whatsoever. Since having my son I've lost my side of the family outside of my father, and the two people I considered to be my best friends. Talking to them about the situation just turns into how I'm not doing enough, or I don't care enough. It's exhausting.

 

I've given my share of advice here, I know that if you put everything you have in a relationship and get nothing back that you should end it... but it seems much easier to end a romantic relationship than one with family. Any advice on where to go from here? I either put in 100% of the effort, still get treated like I don't do enough, and teach my children that it is an acceptable way to be treated... or back off and not have much, if any, of a relationship with them. Either way I'm the bad guy in their opinion. I know this year has been much less stressful mentally and emotionally not seeing them, than dreading making a call or visiting them. Starting to feel like the best of two bad choices is all I get here, since it's not something I can fix without effort on their side.

[Rockdad]

I think we have the same mother?

 

Honestly my mom inherited the mindset from her mother. My Grandmother expected all her kids to load up their kids and travel over for visits which all of them did her entire life. My mother expected the same of me. She thought nothing of it that I should load 2 toddlers and a baby then travel 2 1/2 hours one way.

 

I didn't cave to her manipulation, fits and tantrums. Possibly in part because I am a hard head. The entire relationship with my mom and hers with my kids was not healthy or good.

 

I hope you can find an answer for yourself as I never did.

[Miss Clavel]

focus on your dad.

 

feel him out about the best way to handle his wife.

 

something is missing, a woman who has a new grand baby usually has to have her hands pried off him.

 

does she dislike your wife?

 

my MIL insisted we all haul are toddlers up to her place, 4 hours away for thanksgiving. i complied since nana's are important but she never gave a damn about baby proofing her house and refused to secure her patio screen door against my toddler pushing it open and rolling down a steep hill into the canal.

 

uncovered outlets, expensive china, an all white bedroom for us to sleep in, with twin beds. wtf?

 

her brother told me that when we'd leave she would be so lonley that she cried, which i never understood. she never made the trip even tho she's loaded and retired.

 

my intuition is telling me your mom doesn't like your wife and now that you have children she has to deal with the fact that you won't ever leave her.

 

your intuition is telling you that your children and their mother come first.

 

and you'd be right.

 

good luck

[skywriter]

So it has been quite awhile since I've been back here. I have a wonderful wife, a 23 month old son, and another son due in June. Life has been pretty great outside of one thing.

 

Previous to my son Lucas being born, I would visit my family weekly. I would take my younger sisters (who I considered to be my best friends) out places and we would have fun. When we found out we were pregnant we excitedly visited both our parents. Her mom was thrilled and it was great. When we visited my mother her response was "that's nice". Totally disappointing, but we moved past it. When we got pregnant I let my family know I could no longer put in all of the effort, they would have to meet me half way. It's less than a 15 minute drive, so I figured it would be no big deal. I brought it up more often the closer we got to the due date, and let them know it was an open invitation. Just give a ring and make sure we are home, then get on the way. I have reiterated that many times since Lucas has been born. The only person who has called and came over is my father, who has been great with Lucas.

 

Lucas was born, and my mother has visited a total of 4 times. Once to see him initially, once for his birthday (where she barely said a word to us and didn't interact with Lucas), once when I offered to host a family gathering when my Grandmother came up to visit, and this past Christmas. Eve when I tried to get the family together and again, barely a word was spoken. Phone wise she has initiated a call once in the past 20 months.

 

I would stop by every 3-4 weeks plus major holidays since Lucas was born and I would call at least every 2 weeks. Often during calls the first thing I would hear "wasn't sure I was going to ever hear from you again", and I would remind my mother that the phone works both ways. During the visits my sisters (who are now adults) would barely say a word to us, and never wanted to hold or interact with Lucas when offered. My mother often sat across the room, but occasionally would try to interact with him some. My father, as I said before, was great and would get down on the floor and play with him. Whether it was on the phone or in person, when we would tell her about Lucas's accomplishments her response was always "they do that". I can understand my older sister has 6 kids and it may not be exciting, but this was my baby and I was excited to share his milestones.

 

After the disaster this Christmas, having them in our house barely speaking a word to us, I was exhausted putting in all the effort. I pulled back and just left the ball in their court. If they wanted to call or see me, they would do so. My father has come over a few times this year and called (I've called him as well), my younger sisters came over once with my aunt and barely said a word to us, but ran off to the other room to whisper. My mother has done nothing. No calls and certainly no visits.

 

About 2 weeks ago one of my sisters texted and asked why I haven't seen my mother this year and I explained the facts to her in a stoic manner. That not once has my mother asked to see him, not once has she called since a call on my birthday in 2016, and that I could no longer put in all the effort. Simply if I didn't do all the reaching out to the family, that my father was the only one who put in any effort the other way. She apparently shared those facts with my mother and she went ballistic. I called yesterday morning trying to get ahold of my father. My mother answered and she told me all the ways I've disappointed her for about 7 minutes. She told me she wanted to cuss me out, that I never gave her the chance to love Lucas, and how it's my fault that things are the way they are. She told me things I've said before, and I corrected her saying I didn't say such things. Her response was "I know that isn't what you said, but that's what I heard". Something I've heard a lot, that what actually is said doesn't matter, only what she makes up in her head. I have a history of being a pleaser and putting keeping the peace over my own well being, and surprised myself by saying calmly "this obviously isn't a good time, I love you, I'm hanging up the phone now, goodbye".

 

So here I am now, with zero interest in ever talking to her again. My mother is a bully who plays the victim. She expects everyone else to cater to her needs and opinions, while giving very little back. My family plays guilt trips, yet puts in no effort. If I don't do 100% of the reaching to cover the entire gap, there is no communication... no relationship whatsoever. Since having my son I've lost my side of the family outside of my father, and the two people I considered to be my best friends. Talking to them about the situation just turns into how I'm not doing enough, or I don't care enough. It's exhausting.

 

I've given my share of advice here, I know that if you put everything you have in a relationship and get nothing back that you should end it... but it seems much easier to end a romantic relationship than one with family. Any advice on where to go from here? I either put in 100% of the effort, still get treated like I don't do enough, and teach my children that it is an acceptable way to be treated... or back off and not have much, if any, of a relationship with them. Either way I'm the bad guy in their opinion. I know this year has been much less stressful mentally and emotionally not seeing them, than dreading making a call or visiting them. Starting to feel like the best of two bad choices is all I get here, since it's not something I can fix without effort on their side.

 

 

Wow, it was hard reading your post because it brought back memories of what I went through with my mother. I was adopted, my mom seem to be closer to her biological grandchildren than my children and was extremely defensive when my husband finally brought it up to her.

 

I just pulled back and let it go. I can tell you it was many years later that she finally came around and began to get to know my son and daughter. I felt my mother had some regrets, for not interacting with them sooner, because she told me what a pleasure they were to have around.

 

I hope your mother will come around, because time is so precious and regrets suck. Also, shame on your sisters, and good on your dad, bless him for being involved and loving to Lucas. I think Miss Clavel, might have been onto something with her intuition because my mom wasn't fond of my husband either and it was after he and I parted ways that she came around my children. However, I believe my mother did have regrets once she got to know my kids because they seem to truly bring her happiness.

Edited May 30, 2018 by skywriter