Under pressure

[TheOldSkater]

Hi y'all - new here!

 

Three years ago I left my comfortable life back in my home country to marry my husband in Sweden. I left everything - job, a growing carrer as a blogger (that takes ages to build if you ever manage to grow at all), sold the stuff I had and moved after him promising he'd be responsible for my expenses until I learned the language and got a job, which can take quite long specially because jobs here don't pop up for foreigners that easy. I also asked him to make some small adjustments which he agreed. And that he'd at least try to be understanding when I felt sad, homesick and bored - I come from a huge city, had my money, my car and now I live in this small town dependent of him.

 

Fast forward, we had a hard time on the first six months. It was hell because he was always complaining about short money (even though he promised I'd have a similar life like I had at home, here I never went to manicure, didn't take my drivers license because he says it's pricy and other "luxuries" I had home), we were always fighting because of the interference of his ex wife constantly present with the excuse of their 2 kids (18 and a 20 years old that lives with her third fiance), his kids treating me like furniture, and him demanding me to do stuff alone that I was struggling to learn (like taking the bus alone to the swedish school in a severe winter day while the car was in the garage and he was taking an afternoon nap)... then he didn't want intimacy, started rejecting me even though I'm very much into keeping up looking good, also has some nasty drinking habits, etc etc.... But for 4 months we were in heaven! Even with his issues I never considered divorce because for me, marriage is about working together through the issues. Sticking tgether on good and bad.

 

Even after things stabilized, he asked to separate. It was a shock for me and to be honest he never really gave me a real reason for this separation. I'm 100% sure there's no one else (it's a small town, I would know sooner or later). We agreed that I won't go back to my home country because things there are really not well economically and politically and nothing I had there before I have anymore, and it took ages to get what I had... I really don't wanna start life from zero again.

Also, he promised to my family he'd take care of me since day one, so now we're living in this small apartment, he sleeps in the living room and we will live together till october - that's when he pays off his debts from the previous marriage and will be able to get his own place and move, also I will have time to seek for a job that can pay my bills. I will stay in the small apartment. He gave me some money per month for some basic expenses (phone, bus fees for going to school everyday for exemple) but now I've got an internship (which was considered out of this world somebody that doesn't know the language that well to get such internship) that pays me the same amount per month so he cut that help to half even knowing I need to save all that money to buy furniture when he moves out (I have only clothes! He will take everything with him, to be honest I don't want his stuff either). From the beginning he was really mean. Treated me awful, constantly threatened me that he'd send me back or force me to go back somehow, every time I asked something he'd say "we're not married!!".

He many times came to talk to me and said I should get a boyfriend. Till the day I actually got one. Then he became the sweetest person, seeked for intimacy and asked me to not get any boyfriend anymore. But he didn't want me back. For the sake of sharing the apartment in peace (and also because the boyfriend wasn't that good either) I broke up. Immediatly he went back to zero intimacy. But continued at least treating me nice and being supportive like he should have been from the beginning.

 

But seriously, my head is upside down. I spoke to a therapist, I take anti-depressants but I have panic attacks, I burst in tears out of nothing, I'm constantly nervous because I never know when the next bomb is coming. This weekend I will perfom on the figure skating club's annual show and he said he's not coming to watch me because "I'm not 10 years old and he's not my father". It really really hurt. It's a show. I will have no one in the crowd for me. I've been trying since before I even learned the language (which I managed to learn in 8 months) to get a job and to be as independent of him as possible but it's tough, things don't happen overnight, I'm tired, as a woman I feel like ****. I'm so close to cut the ties off him but I'm so emotionally destroyed. I don't know what to do.

[d0nnivain]

Why did you have to stop blogging? I thought part of the allure was that you could do it from anywhere. Thus there seems to be no reason you couldn't continue to blog in Sweden.

 

If you have friends & family back home, go home. You know the language. You can drive. You have a support system.

 

Remaining where you are with no drivers' license, no support system, language barriers & no job just keeps you economically dependent on your STBXH. That's no way to live.

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry. But, this has been one bad decision, after another, after another...

 

This man sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. I would go home. I wouldn't even tell him that I was leaving...

 

Best wishes. I hope you find your way.

 

ETA: from one old skater to another, have fun at your skating show this weekend. Find your comfort on the ice.

[TheOldSkater]

Why did you have to stop blogging? I thought part of the allure was that you could do it from anywhere. Thus there seems to be no reason you couldn't continue to blog in Sweden.

 

If you have friends & family back home, go home. You know the language. You can drive. You have a support system.

 

Remaining where you are with no drivers' license, no support system, language barriers & no job just keeps you economically dependent on your STBXH. That's no way to live.

 

 

The blog depended on a maintenance that I could only do in my home country, I needed to be present on certain events that happened daily to maintain the content. So I couldn't do it here.

 

Going back home and being dependent of a narcisistic mother is not a good idea either. I don't have my car anymore, neither money to buy another. Jobs? At lesat half my friends are unemployed now due to the economic and political crisis going on there, even with all the difficulties is more likely I get a job here than there.

[TheOldSkater]

I'm so sorry. But, this has been one bad decision, after another, after another...

 

This man sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. I would go home. I wouldn't even tell him that I was leaving...

 

Best wishes. I hope you find your way.

 

ETA: from one old skater to another, have fun at your skating show this weekend. Find your comfort on the ice.

 

 

Marrying him was a bad decision, but the rest is not like I had much choice.

When I came here, my family pretty much said I had no strength to live far from them, in the first difficulty I'd give up. I don't wanna give them this pleasure, my mother is very controlling and narcisistic, going back to live with her is as bad as living with my STBX - with the difference that here at some point I know I can get a job, there you can be unemployed for years! No joke.

[BaileyB]

Well then, I wish you all the best as you try to build a new life in Sweeden.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Skater, I am puzzled as to how you moved across countries to marry someone. You have given no background story of how you met your husband, how long you knew him before making a decision to move to Sweden, why you chose a man whose native language you did not know when you had everything going for you in your home country and could have found a partner for yourself much more easily and conveniently there itself. How old are you and how old is your(ex)? husband? From the looks of it he seems middle aged at least considering that he has grown up children.

 

I wanted to ask you if you have been able to get Swedish citizenship? Also, what kind of a job to you hope to get? Have you undergone any skills training or attended a college to acquire relevant skills/ qualifications for the kind of jobs on offer there? This internship that you mentioned,, what field of work is it in? Sorry for do many questions but unless there is some kind of background to your situation,, holistically speaking , it is difficult to offer any kind of useful or constructive advice or opinion on your situation. You do not have to answer any of these questions but then the answers you get will be far from helpful for you. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

 

P.S. You write and express yourself well in English but I'm presuming that it isn't your mother tongue. However, that could get you some mileage as English seems to be the language of choice for International business and you could capitalize on that in most European countries.

[TheOldSkater]

@Just a Guy : Oh man I tried. I sure tried to find a man in my hometown. Before my husband I was engaged. The guy was 14 years older than me, professionally successful and stable. He took 5 years before presenting me as his girlfriend to his friends, after more 2 years to get engaged. The day after we engaged I found pictures of him on the bed with his lover on his computer (funny, he asked me to start his computer and find a specific file for him when I ended up finding those). Before him there were other tragic stories... I had everything but I wanted love, I didn’t mind move across the globe. In case you don’t know there are millions of men and women doing that and living quite well. I have a few in my family.

I met my husband online. We spoke every single day on skype till the day he went to my home country to visit me and meet my family. My dad is quite traditional so, he had to speak with my dad, make some promises and ask permission to marry me and take me to his country. He spent 15 days there, my family loved him. After that I came to Sweden for three months and married him in the end. And I’m 100% sure that even if we dated for 10 years, there was no way to predict what would happen. You don’t expect certain things from a 49 year old man (now he is 52).

 

I have university degree in publicity and advertising, my Swedish now is next to fluent, I also have certificates in photography and aviation (flight attendant, flight safety, airport safety). I tried job as English teacher since my husband said there’s a huge lack here and I have 16 years of experience on it, but they demand a teaching degree. So I work as administrative assistant in my internship. Any job with administration, communications or even a simple job in a store is fine for me. But I’d honestly prefer working in an office.

 

 

Funny, but the few times I share my pain and struggle, I get a lot of questioning, pointing fingers that I made a mistake and the easier: go home. I see a lot of Americans saying that specially, since they think every foreigner that marries an american is only for the green card. I never married for moving abroad, I married for love and only love.

A man can make empty promises, verbally abuse, emotionally abuse, threaten and what do a woman get? Judgment. “Go home”. Never a “stand for yourself”, “you left your life based on a grown man’s promises, now be strong to fight for getting your life back”... if she’s suffering, it’s her fault.

 

If going home was an option, do you think I wouldn’t be here? My choices might have seem stupid for many, but before every step I studied very well what I was doing, making plans B . The only problem is that some days, like ANY OTHER separation, it’s hard. Like ANY OTHER separation, there are fights, but the difference is that I’m far from home and I’m not weak to give up and go back to mamma crying and sitting there waiting for the miracle of getting a job in a country that during these 3 years I was out, went broke!

There, said it.

[d0nnivain]

Since going home isn't an option, I'd advise you to step up your job search. You seem to have a good education, language skills & experience. There has to be something you can do to earn enough money to be independent.

 

Seriously what else is there?

 

1. Go home which you don't want to do. I suggested it because you started the thread by saying you were comfortable in your country & listing all the things you had there that you don't have now. You also said you were homesick. American or not, my advice for you to return home was based on what you wrote, not some idea that everybody is better off running home when things get tough.

 

2. Continue living in a small apartment with no support system

 

3. Get a job

 

4. Find a fairy godmother

 

5. Win the lottery

 

Obviously I'm being sarcastic but I'm having trouble understanding how this board can help you. Your husband wants a divorce. There is generally no coming back from that.

 

You have a BF now so can he help with a job search? Can your country's embassy in Sweeden do anything to help you?

[TheOldSkater]

Since going home isn't an option, I'd advise you to step up your job search. You seem to have a good education, language skills & experience. There has to be something you can do to earn enough money to be independent.

 

Seriously what else is there?

 

1. Go home which you don't want to do. I suggested it because you started the thread by saying you were comfortable in your country & listing all the things you had there that you don't have now. You also said you were homesick. American or not, my advice for you to return home was based on what you wrote, not some idea that everybody is better off running home when things get tough.

 

2. Continue living in a small apartment with no support system

 

3. Get a job

 

4. Find a fairy godmother

 

5. Win the lottery

 

Obviously I'm being sarcastic but I'm having trouble understanding how this board can help you. Your husband wants a divorce. There is generally no coming back from that.

 

You have a BF now so can he help with a job search? Can your country's embassy in Sweeden do anything to help you?

 

So being a fighter for you means being delusional?

I don't wanna go back to mamma crying like a baby and that makes me stupid? Weak? I don't think so.

What part of the "I HAD stuff in my home country but now I have nothing left there anymore" you didn't understand? What part of the "I'm working as an intern" you didn't understand? While I'm as an intern, I've been applying for jobs. The government here supports the person when she has no job and is living alone but since my husband wants to buy a place for his own and only has money for that in october, we will continue loving together until then because I can also continue trying to get a job - even though the government would support me, I don't want that.

Be less judgmental and get a heart. On this side here is a woman that has been hurt.

[d0nnivain]

I'm really not trying to be judgmental & I apologize if it seems that way to you. I have a blunt / frank communications style.

 

I'll just wish you well & move on.

[Just a Guy]

Hi skater, thank you for giving additional information about yourself. Your situation is complicated and I wonder what exactly you are looking for by coming to this forum. Most of the people who populate this forum are from the USA but there is a smattering of folks from other nations too, like me. You will find that the folks who populate this forum are those whose mother tongue is English( or a modified form of it) or others, who for whatever reason, are fluent in it and comfortable expressing themselves in it. I prefaced what I have to say with this explanation because Sweden is a nation most folks who post here would not be familiar with, especially insofar as matters pertaining to ease of getting employment and the social factors affecting people who are foreigners who live and work there are concerned. I do not know your nationality since you have not divulged it except giving cryptic hints about it's economic situation. However, I can understand that it had been extremely difficult for you to adapt to the situation there and from all accounts you seem to have done very well inspite of being a woman and facing a hostile domestic situation.

 

From what you have shared it is apparent that you are very well qualified and have skills in various avenues of endeavour such that, theoretically, you could hold down any of a number of jobs. I do not know how old you are but I hope not too old to be able to be absorbed in the workforce. You mentioned that you had 16 years of teaching experience in English in your home country and that Sweden has a shortage of teachers in English. Your only problem is that you do not have a university degree in it to be able to get a job as a teacher. I would see opportunity for you in this line because (a) You have practical experience and (b) There is a shortage of English teachers there. Presumably, it is a reasonably well paying job and so in my opinion you should try and get the necessary academic qualifications even if it means going to night school. You have demonstrated a mental toughness that I have seen in very few people especially given that you are a woman so I think this is something well within your capability if you were to put your mind to it. You have also mentioned that you would lime a job in an office. What exactly do you have in mind? Whatever it is I am sure that that too is achievable if you put your mind to it. In the short term things are going to be difficult but if you focus on the mid and long term you will get through this phase and come out a winner at the end of it. Remember 'Nothing ventured nothing gained'!

 

As far as your love life is concerned I would suggest that you put it on the back burner while you try and establish yourself in your adopted country. If I may ask, how old are you exactly? The thing is that if you try and establish yourself financially and in the work place and also try your luck in the field of romance, you are likely to fail on all fronts. Once you have established yourself as a well paid professional, you can step out and look for romance. In fact I think romance will come knocking on your door itself because as an established working professional your self esteem will sky rocket and it will reflect in your demeanour and the way you carry yourself. People are attracted to those who exude self confidence and radiate exuberance. All this will be yours if you focus on taking one step at a time towards success. I am presuming you are not married to the man who got you across to Sweden even though I have seen references to him 'being your husband'. Once you are a successful person you may find that he may be one among a number of suitors vying for your hand but by then you will have a rich pool of men to chose from. Just remember 'Nothing ventured nothing gained'! Warm wishes.

Edited March 24, 2018 by Just a Guy

[Lowrider93]

It seems as if you have the determination to do whatever you

have to do until you have the chance to do what you would like to do.

Would there at some point be any opportunity to move to a

larger town/city in Sweeden where more employment options

would exist?

[chinaandback]

Hi there, I'm sorry you've been hurt by your husband and that you are feeling judged. I agree with the other posters who've encouraged you to keep up what you are doing in looking for better employment. Focus on yourself. You are a strong woman and you can do this! Are there others in your area that you can look to for some resources? Some other women? It must be very difficult living that way but just try to focus on taking care of yourself. He has not really given you a choice. Keep working on bettering yourself so you can be independent again and you will be just fine. I wish you well.

[TheOldSkater]

My soon to be ex have been separated and living together for a year now. I swear if I had any choice for living away from him, I would. Finally now I can see some light in the end of the tunnel but most things are a bit uncertain of when they gonna happen. My internship is finished and I'm getting a job. I saved enough money to furnish my apartment after he leaves and take his stuff with him. I don't want anything that has his energy.

 

He was very nice lately because he was counting on me getting himself a loan for him to buy a house for himself and he'd pay me back. He did everything he could to persuade me into request this loan for him in september. For some reason he wanted it now and basically forced me to make a request online to the bank. Luckly they rejected (I haven't signed my job contract yet, phew!) and "all of sudden" he started reacting nasty again. And every time I ask him to be nice so we can cope with living with each other in peace for a few more weeks now, he says I'm begging to have him back, or begging him to give me love and support... Like... WTF? I don't want him back! He broke up with me I first place but I have decided long time ago that we really should separate. But somedays I feel down having to cope with so many changes in my life all of sudden, being away from my family, getting a job... if I cry in my room, he leaves the apartment, or makes sure I see him wearing earphones and other mean stuff. He's always making sure to tell me he's tired of me. He complains all the time about everything and I'm the one who's unpleasant.

[PegNosePete]

He's always making sure to tell me he's tired of me. He complains all the time about everything and I'm the one who's unpleasant.

You should begin to employ the old maxim, "talk to the hand, cos the face ain't listening".

 

Clearly he is not interested in being nice. There's no point trying to convince him. If he doesn't want to, then he won't, and you're just wasting your time and winding yourself up trying.

 

Don't try to have any kind of conversation whatsoever. Just act like he doesn't exist.