A friend with chronic depression

[Romantic_Antics]

Wow, the word "helping" violates community guidelines so I had to change the title from "Suggestions for helping a friend with chronic depression?" to what it is now.

 

Anyways...

 

I have a female friend that has become very dear to me for helping me through a tough breakup. She was the only one who was consistently there for me and now I want to return the favor.

 

For a little back story: she had a laser surgery performed to "trim" some residual facial fat (possibly leftover from the birth of her second child) and they botched it, leaving her with burns that turned into permanent scars. She's now chronically depressed and it honestly breaks my heart because she's such a wonderful person with a great personality that her true beauty transcends her physical appearance.

 

I sent her a short, motivational video I came across on YouTube that essentially delivered the message that she's beautiful no matter what and told her to watch it any time she was feeling down. She liked it and thought it was very sweet, but it also feels somewhat dismissive of me to just send her a video to watch when she's down.

 

What else can I do other than letting her know I'm here for her? I'm sure somebody else who maybe has experience dealing with depression might be able to suggest something meaningful.

[preraph]

That was nice of you. Now what you need to do is resume doing things with her like before the scarring and don't treat her any different except to be there for her to talk to about it if she needs to. Take her mind off it. I have to believe someone can fix this some way or that it may improve. Hope so anyway.

[Romantic_Antics]

That was nice of you. Now what you need to do is resume doing things with her like before the scarring and don't treat her any different except to be there for her to talk to about it if she needs to. Take her mind off it.

 

Yeah that's what I've been doing and I know it helps a little since she said she talks to me more than anyone else. When we do talk or hang out she always seems so happy, vivacious, funny, and outgoing that it's hard for me to process the times she ignores her mom, her husband, and even all of her other friends.

 

I have to believe someone can fix this some way or that it may improve. Hope so anyway.

I think she's afraid that it'll only make things worse. I've even mentioned suing the place that botched the procedure.

 

Unfortunately, no matter how much I treat her the same or even try to make her feel like she's still beautiful, it all comes up short in the end and has no impact on the way she feels about herself. It's frustrating and that's why I posted this.

 

I really hope this doesn't turn into a lifelong battle for her because she deserves better than that.

Edited May 14, 2018 by Romantic_Antics

[alphamale]

What else can I do other than letting her know I'm here for her? I'm sure somebody else who maybe has experience dealing with depression might be able to suggest something meaningful.

 

tell her to get medical help for her depression. they will ascertain whether it is clinical depression or something less severe and recommend appropriate treatment(s).

[Romantic_Antics]

tell her to get medical help for her depression. they will ascertain whether it is clinical depression or something less severe and recommend appropriate treatment(s).

 

She already has and it isn't helping her. She's pretty drug resistant.

 

In any event, I can't help her in that capacity. That's between her and her doctors. I'm just trying to figure out if there's anything else I can do other than what I'm doing.

[preraph]

She's going to have to consult with a few plastic surgeons and get the consensus whether it can be improved or better left alone. If she talks to several (which they can charge you for so it may not be practical), and they mostly agree one way or the other, maybe that will give her confidence to proceed.

[alphamale]

She already has and it isn't helping her. She's pretty drug resistant.

 

then she needs to look into ECT (Electro-Convulsive Therapy)

[whichwayisup]

Just spend time with her, cook her a few meals, take her out on walks and maybe see a movie if she's up to it.

[d0nnivain]

Stop talking about it. Treat her like her facial scars don't exist. See past them & focus on the person. If you don't define her by the way she looks, she will be better able to see past them too.

 

She will need professional help to work through some of this. You can't love her through it or fix it with a You Tube video.

[anika99]

I think people with depression just really need their loved ones to stay near and not abandon them. I don't think there is any thing you can specifically do to make her better. That is her journey to take, but you standing by her while she's finding her way, probably means the world to her. If she wants to talk about her depression or her scars then let her talk about it. Don't tell her how she should feel, let her express how she does feel. You sound like you are already a good friend to her, so just keep being there for her while she finds her way.

[amaysngrace]

It sounds like she has a vanity problem and that's what causing her depression. Did the extra facial weight cause her to be depressed as well? I'm thinking yes otherwise she wouldn't have gone under the knife to get rid of it.

 

You could offer her encouragement to pursue something she can feel proud of to raise her own self-love and if she's already successful in certain areas she may need to be reminded of those more often.

 

It could be as simple as noticing and then giving her gentle praise for it in case she was unaware. I.e.: "you're such a good mom for ___" when she shares a story.

 

She's going to need to feel okay before she's to feel better, if that makes any sense. The focus should be on who she is as a person, not who she is as a face although if she brings it up try to listen rather than dismiss her concerns. The way you see her and how she sees herself are worlds away but hopefully she'll grow to love herself and begin to see what you see.

 

It's not going to happen overnight though and most of the work is her own but some TLC from you can't hurt.

[Ana-Iva]

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do as this is something that is very personal to her.

There might be a way for you to open her eyes through some indirect discussions to the fact that we all live and die and obsessing over her imperfections means throwing her best years away... it is just going to get worst from now on. Try and make her to look around at all the people that are much less pretty than she is and how happy they are. They are enjoying their life. Maybe she could learn something and get a message from it.

[IndigoNight]

There are support groups for people who have had less than ideal outcomes due to plastic surgery. Perhaps, if she could talk to people who have been through a similar situation it might help her cope with her own situation. If medications didn't help her depression, there are alternatives. Medications alone don't work for many people. For some, medications alone may even make things worse. Ideally, medications and some form of IC should be used together for the best outcome.

 

Individual therapists don't all stick to a single method or treatment style, so maybe she could try talking to a someone who utilizes a different type or types. These are some of the most common types used:

 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Dialectical Behavioural Therapy.

Interpersonal Therapy.

Mindfulness-based Therapies.

Psychodynamic Therapy.

Group Therapy.

Emotion-Focused Therapy.

 

If she truly wants help, and is willing to try, please encourage her to talk to different therapists who utilize a variety of methods, or even try group therapy if she is interested. Perhaps she will find something that she can work with. She is not alone in finding it difficult to figure out something that works to lift her depression. It can be hard not to give up, but in order for things to improve, sometimes the only option is to keep trying, even when it feels impossible.

 

If she is willing, offer to go to her first session or two with a new therapist. It may help her feel more comfortable. It can be difficult to open up to yet another new person, so you being with her may help put her at ease. She isn't alone in how she is feeling, but she may need help in realizing that. You're doing a great job as her friend, but unfortunately how she feels may be beyond something you alone can fix.

 

Best of luck, to both of you.

[Romantic_Antics]

You're doing a great job as her friend, but unfortunately how she feels may be beyond something you alone can fix.

 

Yeah and I've made a mistake in thinking that I can be the one to do it. Her husband is both unloving and unsupportive (they've talked about divorce) and because she has two young kids, I'm practically all she has.

 

She is in therapy, but she still talks about how she wants to die and wishes she had a time machine. The depression is so bad that she's even started blowing me off and not following through on commitments to meet or talk. I don't want to give up on her, or seem selfish, but all of the broken commitments without the courtesy of a call or text (she's left me hanging on multiple occasions) are taking a toll on me and not helping her either if she just wants to shut out the one person who's actually making an effort. It's sad and it's frustrating.

[IndigoNight]

Yeah and I've made a mistake in thinking that I can be the one to do it. Her husband is both unloving and unsupportive (they've talked about divorce) and because she has two young kids, I'm practically all she has.

 

She is in therapy, but she still talks about how she wants to die and wishes she had a time machine. The depression is so bad that she's even started blowing me off and not following through on commitments to meet or talk. I don't want to give up on her, or seem selfish, but all of the broken commitments without the courtesy of a call or text (she's left me hanging on multiple occasions) are taking a toll on me and not helping her either if she just wants to shut out the one person who's actually making an effort. It's sad and it's frustrating.

 

Depression can be cruel, and misleading to the people trying to help. It is unlikely that she is intentionally shutting you out. If she is, it is probably because she is ashamed or thinks she is protecting you. Does she have any family members you can talk to? If she is mentioning self harm, her therapist is legally bound to do something. Some people say "I just want to die" out of frustration, and not an actual desire to follow through. So, she may be saying it to you, but not in therapy. Does that make sense? I am not implying she isn't serious, as she very well could be. If she talked to her therapist about it, she would very likely be put on a psych hold for her safety.

 

As for an unloving and unsupportive spouse, she isn't alone. Many spouses don't know how to deal with depression, or have dealt with it for so long they are overwhelmed. I am not excusing the lack of support she is getting, but he may just not know what to do, or has tried everything and given up.

 

Either way, it sounds like she needs more help than you can provide. Don't feel like a bad friend because you are so overwhelmed and don't know how to help her. Please, call the number below, and they should be able to offer you suggestions, and support for helping your friend.

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

 

1-800-273-8255