Am I overly sensitive to being ignored?

[Romantic_Antics]

For the past 8 years or so, I've become very intolerant of broken promises/commitments and being ignored. It all started when I joined Facebook in 2010. At first it was awesome reconnecting with so many old friends that I hadn't talked to in years. We would exchange numbers, I'd call, leave a message, and never hear back from them. Others would want to meet up for lunch or coffee and then never follow through with it. It was so rampant that it was starting to make me paranoid and feel like I was doing something wrong, but when I messaged them on Fakebook to ask why they didn't return my call or follow through with an invitation to lunch or coffee I got the same song and dance from all of them about how they were just busy. I eventually deleted my Flakebook account and carried on with business as usual.

 

That experience nevertheless had a profound impact on me and how I dealt with being ignored. Now any time somebody doesn't reply to a text or call, or breaks off a commitment, I either cut them off as a friend or just get paranoid that I did something wrong. I understand that people can get busy, but I've always responded to texts and calls promptly and considerately. I honor all commitments, never make false promises, and always follow through with everything I say I'm going to do. Apparently it's totally unreasonable to expect the same of others, but why? If I can do it, why can't they? What am I [potentially] doing wrong and why am I so bothered by it?

[d0nnivain]

I don't know why you are so bothered by it but what you are doing wrong is believing that anything on social media is real. Yes it can lead to real reconnections but mostly if the person wasn't willing to do what it took to maintain the friendship before social media existed or outside of it, then any social media connections are not genuine. You can have 100+ friends on FB but how many people's phone #s do you have & how often do you talk to them using voice or actual see them? Those are the people who matter. The rest is virtual reality & inconsequential.

[carhill]

I found giving what one chooses to without expectation lessens the feeling, if there. Focus on the positive feeling of sharing and caring being its own reward and not an accounting exercise in what others care about or give in return. Easy? Nah. You'll get there when recognizing the feelings of being marginalized or ignored and laughing at yourself for stepping over your own boundary. Gotcha.

[Romantic_Antics]

I'm not really following either of you since my specific questions weren't answered. I'm also functioning on very little sleep so I'll try to revisit what the two of you are saying when I can think with a bit more clarity.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

[carhill]

Here's the question I responded to:

 

What am I [potentially] doing wrong and why am I so bothered by it?

 

You're viewing relationships as an accounting ledger and when the ledgers are unbalanced it bugs you.

 

I had the same problem when young, always keeping promises, always being on time, revolving my life around overt or covert commitments to others and being incredulous when such care wasn't returned. Then I grew up and became more selfish. Not selfish, more selfish, meaning more priortizing of self and my own boundaries. Healthy. The users dropped by the wayside and more flowing relationships resulted. If it doesn't flow, let it go.

 

Lack of sleep is a killer. Get some zzzz's. We'll be around later.

[preraph]

You can't sweat it when you can't make real friends with someone. Social media is just online acquaintances. You don't really know them. They are able to show you what they want you to see and that's all you get.

 

Real friends are people in real life with whom you share real activities. Real life tends to bring you real friends that you're meant to know because you share similar lives. Good luck.

[dragonfire13]

If it makes you feel better, I'm exactly the same.

 

Just a couple of weeks ago for example, an acquaintance who I met at a mutual friend's party asked me to check out this bar which paid a genre of music we were both into. I couldn't on the day he suggested. A week goes by, he asks me again and me feeling bad and wanting to be sociable, agreed. Literally an hr before we were supposed to meet, the dude flakes with the lamest of excuses. At this point, I'd rushed home from work, showered and done my hair and makeup! Luckily, I'd invited another friend to join so I still headed out but I was p*ssed! Like, how ya gonna flake out on plans you organised...twice?!

 

Old me would have called the dude out aggressively and then deleted and blocked. Instead, I jokingly pointed out I was all done up. He said he'd try and make it, but I politely told him not to bother and that my friend and I were making alternative arrangements, but that I'd perhaps catch him another time.

 

A week later, I then quietly deleted him off FB - some might say that's childish, but I saw no point me having him on there. I'm not the type of person who collects 100s of people on social media - Facebook is for friends, and I don't see myself being friends with flakey, inconsiderate or rude people.

 

If it also helps, it bothers me less and less now, especially as I've kind of started to mirror that behaviour myself. It's eff-ed up because it's not how I naturally am, but I think it has made people respect me and my time more.

 

I should add I just do this with people that seem like the flaky/shallow friend type. I'm lucky enough to have met people where the effort and manners are reciprocated, which has kind of restored my faith in people.

[stillafool]

Are these friends of yours single or committed? Time seems to fly so fast these days it's as if no one has time anymore including myself. It's so easy to get caught up in running your everyday life that you practically don't have time for anyone else. I know it's terrible.