I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[TheRainbow]

I wouldn't have considered the other man as my boyfriend. I didn't stalk him on social media or call him outside of work. He was my boss, and we flirted and had a lot of sex during breaks. It was as unromantic as possible. So and also he used a fake account and blocked his main one, so that is why I never put two and two together. I just never cared enough to research him.

 

I booked a counselling appointment because I'm messed up. I keep on sleeping around and cheating while hurting my husband in the process. Even if we aren't together, I want to be a healthy person because I do have two daughter's who look up to me.

 

So far my former boss has stopped trying to contact me. His wife did send me a message calling me some unfavourable names and told me to back off from her husband. I did respond and said I would, but I expect the same from him.

 

So far we are temporarily staying married. I also need to get financially stable again, by getting another job.

Edited May 31, 2018 by TheRainbow

[Chaparral]

You definitely need individual counseling. You said something about respecting everyone involved. This is your problem. You respect no one. Especially not yourself. You seek validation from men, maybe a counselor can help with this but I fear you will not take it seriously. What is worse is you will raise your daughters to be like you.

As far as your husband goes, he needs to man up. Buy him the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER.

[TheRainbow]

I just don't get it.

 

My husband wants to stay married. He is begging to give us another chance and doesn't want my "mistake" tear our family apart. Even if I wanted to stay in this loveless marriage, how does one come back from what I have done?

 

I had a baby with another man. I lied, cheated, and held this possibility in for over a year. She is four months old, he has bonded with her, and still despite everything wants to be her father. I'm giving him that wish because he is an amazing father. But at the same time, we both are showing our girl(s) an unhealthy relationship.

 

Tonight, I tried to talk to him, tried to explain to him that we have too much baggage. I tried to convince him to seek counselling, to read books, or even to join this recommended site surviving infidelity for advice on how to emotionally get out of a toxic marriage. He keeps saying none of that matters. If an open marriage is what I want, he'll suck it up. He is so emotionally damaged, no self-esteem. No sense of self-worth.

 

I keep telling myself why? Why did I do this to him? I had a counselling appointment this afternoon. Even after the first session, the therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist because she thinks I have some mental illness issues. So that is my next step. I'm finally realizing how screwed up I am. In the meantime I'm making a plan.

 

The first goal is to make sure the other man stays away. He hasn't tried to contact me since my husband talked to his wife. I would have divorced and cut contact with my husband a long time ago if we never had our oldest. But we will always have some kind of contact, and I rather he act as the father to both kids. I know my husband mentioned a transfer. We could move to another state, start fresh. I could find employment and then we can separate, far away from the other man.

[BluesPower]

I just don't get it.

 

My husband wants to stay married. He is begging to give us another chance and doesn't want my "mistake" tear our family apart. Even if I wanted to stay in this loveless marriage, how does one come back from what I have done?

 

I had a baby with another man. I lied, cheated, and held this possibility in for over a year. She is four months old, he has bonded with her, and still despite everything wants to be her father. I'm giving him that wish because he is an amazing father. But at the same time, we both are showing our girl(s) an unhealthy relationship.

 

Tonight, I tried to talk to him, tried to explain to him that we have too much baggage. I tried to convince him to seek counselling, to read books, or even to join this recommended site surviving infidelity for advice on how to emotionally get out of a toxic marriage. He keeps saying none of that matters. If an open marriage is what I want, he'll suck it up. He is so emotionally damaged, no self-esteem. No sense of self-worth.

 

I keep telling myself why? Why did I do this to him? I had a counselling appointment this afternoon. Even after the first session, the therapist wants me to see a psychiatrist because she thinks I have some mental illness issues. So that is my next step. I'm finally realizing how screwed up I am. In the meantime I'm making a plan.

 

The first goal is to make sure the other man stays away. He hasn't tried to contact me since my husband talked to his wife. I would have divorced and cut contact with my husband a long time ago if we never had our oldest. But we will always have some kind of contact, and I rather he act as the father to both kids. I know my husband mentioned a transfer. We could move to another state, start fresh. I could find employment and then we can separate, far away from the other man.

 

Listen... if you ever cared at all about your H, you have to divorce him.

 

There is no way you can ever respect him, there is no way that you can ever love him, he is simply to weak and pathetic.

 

So, as you are getting help for your issues, and girl you know you got some big ones...

 

Do him this one kindness. Divorce him. That may be the one thing that will wake him up to how pathetic of a man he is.

[TheRainbow]

So it's been a couple of days since I posted. I was sure people were getting sick of my back and forth. But I did make some progress and some actions. As I mentioned before we had moved to our current location many years ago for a fresh start. Well out of the blue I was looking at our old city at jobs. And it's like a gold mine. So much opportunity. I told my husband because well I can't just get up and take the kids and leave without his blessing. So today he messaged HR about a transfer, and it just happened over where we moved from his desperate for a manager for the exact same thing my husband is doing here. So he starts July 2nd. So We're moving far away from here, far away from the other man. We're going to put the house on the market in a few weeks. Were luckily in a hot market right now so it should sell quickly. Once I'm in the new city, I made an agreement with the husband to rent a 6-month lease (I've contacted a few potential condos over the weekend) so we can "try" to work things out when I'll be getting myself a new job, so I can separate.

[BaileyB]

It certainly seems like you’ve got it all worked out... There is not much more to say about this mess of your own creation. Lives destroyed, but everything will work out in the end if you get things your way...

[stillafool]

Moving isn't going to stop your cheating. Sooner or later you will need any man's validation and the first one that looks at you, you will cheat. The good news is you don't need your husband's permission to divorce him. File and leave. It might be better for your daughters to remain with him.

[TheRainbow]

Moving isn't going to stop your cheating. Sooner or later you will need any man's validation and the first one that looks at you, you will cheat. The good news is you don't need your husband's permission to divorce him. File and leave. It might be better for your daughters to remain with him.

 

Genuinely I want to stop cheating. But I can't remain married to my husband. he's a great father and we'd be able to co-parent all right. I want to be financially stable, so I don't have to seek alimony. I'm not out to suck him dry. I just need out.

[BaileyB]

Genuinely I want to stop cheating. But I can't remain married to my husband. he's a great father and we'd be able to co-parent all right. I want to be financially stable, so I don't have to seek alimony. I'm not out to suck him dry. I just need out.

 

I know, he is in denial... But, have you told him directly that you still plan to separate and leave him six months after he uproots his life and moves to another city with you? Is he "going home," or is he going to be stuck in a new city where he has no roots with an exwife and two children - one of whom is not his child?

[TheRainbow]

I know, he is in denial... But, have you told him directly that you still plan to separate and leave him six months after he uproots his life and moves to another city with you? Is he "going home," or is he going to be stuck in a new city where he has no roots with an exwife and two children - one of whom is not his child?

 

This isn't a new city. We lived here when we met. We up and moved to where we are now for a new beginning. My mom moved where we are a few months after I moved. I love my mom, and she has been there for us. But she understands. His mom, stepfather and one sibling lives back at home. Yet his father and stepmother live only an hour away from here. So it'll be an adjustment either way. He is under the assumptions this is a six month trial run. But I really can't do it anymore. He doesn't want to divorce and once I can afford too I'll seperate, then divorce. I won't leave him in any debt and I will be fair to him. He's been a good husband but I just can't be with him.

Edited June 5, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BaileyB]

This isn't a new city. We lived here when we met. We up and moved to where we are now for a new beginning.

 

So, he has family and friends there, people who will support him when his wife leaves him? And, is he aware of your plan to leave after you get established - six months after you move?

 

Don't get me wrong, if you feel trapped and you need out, then you should get out. It doesn't sound like you should be married to anyone right now. I just wonder if you are truly being honest with your husband. Does he know that he is making this major life decision... is he thinking that there is a chance for reconciliation, when in fact you are setting yourself up to be able to leave him? Because, if that is what you are doing... that is a cruel thing to do to another person. Trust me, my friend did that to her husband. It was cruel.

[TheRainbow]

So, he has family and friends there, people who will support him when his wife leaves him? And, is he aware of your plan to leave after you get established - six months after you move?

 

Don't get me wrong, if you feel trapped and you need out, then you should get out. It doesn't sound like you should be married to anyone right now. I just wonder if you are truly being honest with your husband. Does he know that he is making this major life decision... is he thinking that there is a chance for reconciliation, when in fact you are setting yourself up to be able to leave him? Because, if that is what you are doing... that is a cruel thing to do to another person. Trust me, my friend did that to her husband. It was cruel.

 

In a way I am kind of not being completely honest with him. But he doesn't want the divorce. I have made it clear that after six months if I don't have a chance of heart I'll be divorcing him. I just can't live 6 months of him begging me to stay with him. I just can't do this anymore.

[BaileyB]

In a way I am kind of not being completely honest with him. But he doesn't want the divorce. I have made it clear that after six months if I don't have a chance of heart I'll be divorcing him. I just can't live 6 months of him begging me to stay with him. I just can't do this anymore.

 

So, by moving there, you are also forcing him to move there if he wants to see the children.

 

And, instead of separating and getting your own place... you are going to move "with" him, thus giving him false hope for reconciliation, because it gives you time to get financially settled in your new job and your new life. Is that fair to say?

[TheRainbow]

So, by moving there, you are also forcing him to move there if he wants to see the children.

 

And, instead of separating and getting your own place... you are going to move "with" him, thus giving him false hope for reconciliation, because it gives you time to get financially settled in your new job and your new life. Is that fair to say?

 

Moving was partly his idea. He doesn't want the other man involved in our younger daughter's life. We live in the same town as him now. We move far away, he has support, the other man is left to deal with his own problems.

 

I don't have a job, and everyone is telling me I'm entitled to spousal support. I'd feel really cheap going after him for that. Our eldest is already having a hard time when we told her about the move. So I don't think springing this on her right now would be fair.

 

Nothing I do will be fair. I'll be getting myself into some counselling once I get there as well. I hope in six months we'll both be in a better place.

[stillafool]

In a way I am kind of not being completely honest with him. But he doesn't want the divorce. I have made it clear that after six months if I don't have a chance of heart I'll be divorcing him. I just can't live 6 months of him begging me to stay with him. I just can't do this anymore.

 

You continue to repeat the same thing over and over. We are CLEAR that you want to leave your husband. What you are doing is selfish and you again are only concerned with what you want. If you want to leave him tell him the truth that you don't want a 6 month trial but are going to seek a divorce. Tell him the truth, borrow money and leave and let him decide what he wants to do. Why don't you have a job by now if you were planning on divorcing your husband?

[TheRainbow]

You continue to repeat the same thing over and over. We are CLEAR that you want to leave your husband. What you are doing is selfish and you again are only concerned with what you want. If you want to leave him tell him the truth that you don't want a 6 month trial but are going to seek a divorce. Tell him the truth, borrow money and leave and let him decide what he wants to do. Why don't you have a job by now if you were planning on divorcing your husband?

 

I just lost my job last week and I have been applying, but now the plan is to move. You're right though, maybe I should just tell him the truth. But I'm still going to move though. Really back where we came from is better for everybody. Better jobs, family support, and no other man.

[BaileyB]

Honesty is always the best policy.

 

To allow him to believe that there is even the possibility that you will move and stay together is not fair to him. Put all your cards on the table. He should have all the information before making a major life decision...

 

He may still chose to move. But, at least he is making the decision knowing exactly where he stands.

[stillafool]

There are going to be men wherever you go. I thought the point was you didn't want to be married anymore.

[TheRainbow]

There are going to be men wherever you go. I thought the point was you didn't want to be married anymore.

 

I don't want to be married anymore. That is the ultimate goal.

 

 

But then there is the issue of my two daughters. They are suffering because of my poor choices. I feel so guilty for not thinking of them. But wishing isn't helping. Reality is my youngest isn't my husband biological daughter. He wants to continue being there for her. Biological father had threatened to take my daughter from me. So I'm doing what I can to make that as hard, if not as impossible as I can. Selfish or not. My husband is the best person to be her father.

 

We are moving to achieve the above goal. Then I need money in order to be live. I have a few options: get temporary spousal support, go with my original plan of living together for up to six months to get myself stabilized, or stay here. He makes 110K a year, and before I lost my job I was making 28K and looking at jobs where were moving, I could be making about the same starting.

 

But I feel like if we move, he's near family. My daughters are near family. Other man is far away and won't bother us. It can be a clean break with little to no baggage.

Edited June 5, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BluesPower]

I don't want to be married anymore. That is the ultimate goal.

 

But then there is the issue of my two daughters. They are suffering because of my poor choices. I feel so guilty for not thinking of them. But wishing isn't helping. Reality is my youngest isn't my husband biological daughter. He wants to continue being there for her. Biological father had threatened to take my daughter from me. So I'm doing what I can to make that as hard, if not as impossible as I can. Selfish or not. My husband is the best person to be her father.

 

We are moving to achieve the above goal. Then I need money in order to be live. I have a few options: get temporary spousal support, go with my original plan of living together for up to six months to get myself stabilized, or stay here. He makes 110K a year, and before I lost my job I was making 28K and looking at jobs where were moving, I could be making about the same starting.

 

But I feel like if we move, he's near family. My daughters are near family. Other man is far away and won't bother us. It can be a clean break with little to no baggage.

 

Everyone including OP, Listen...

 

What she is doing is the best thing she can figure out now.

 

I believe that she understand that she has some HUGE issues, and she knows that is she is to be a good mother long term and a healthy person, she has to get help.

 

Now @TheRainbow, I know that you are doing what you think is best for your H and trying to let him down easily, I get it.

 

What everyone is having trouble with is that you are allowing your H to believe that he has a chance to save his marriage.

 

It would be more honest and kinder to him in the long run to tell him...

 

"Look, you are a great person but I don't love you, I don't love anyone, even myself. We need to move for your job and to get away from the creep OM. But you need to understand that our marriage is over.

 

You don't realize this now, but it is better for you to understand that and get used to the idea."

 

That would be better if you did it that way.

 

And just so you understand, the OM cannot take your daughter away, and he does not even have the money for file for any type of custody, if his wife would allow it in the first place.

 

But you are right, you need to be gone to a better place for your H, your kids and yourself. And away from this guy is a bonus...

[TheRainbow]

And just so you understand, the OM cannot take your daughter away, and he does not even have the money for file for any type of custody, if his wife would allow it in the first place.

..

 

It's just to be on the safe side too. But you're right. I'm going to tell him the truth out in the open.

[TheRainbow]

We had found a 3 bedroom condo to rent, that his mother and sister went to look at on our behalf. We both like it from the pictures we have seen.

 

I was honest with him and told him I have every intention at the end of this lease of leaving him. That I didn't want to lie or be less than honest with my intentions. As Blue Power said, I told him that he was a good father, good provider but that I didn't love him anymore. That this move was strictly just to get away from the other man so he could be a father to our youngest in peace but not for a new beginning. I told him that this was a temporary solution, so I can become financially stable and then we're divorcing. He tried to talk me out of it, and on and on and on. I told him at that moment it wasn't going to work, that we will have to live seperately once we got there because I wasn't going to live six months with him in denial thinking were getting back together.

 

He got upset and left for a bit. A few hours later he came back, we talked about it and he said okay. I don't think he fully accepts it but he knows that if he becomes overbearing, I'll just move out, pay for my half of the rent or termination fee with my half the proceeds from the house, and will get spousal support out of him. I don't want to do that, and I sounded mean saying that but he was just not getting it.

 

Today were suppose to sign for the six-month lease.

[BluesPower]

We had found a 3 bedroom condo to rent, that his mother and sister went to look at on our behalf. We both like it from the pictures we have seen.

 

I was honest with him and told him I have every intention at the end of this lease of leaving him. That I didn't want to lie or be less than honest with my intentions. As Blue Power said, I told him that he was a good father, good provider but that I didn't love him anymore. That this move was strictly just to get away from the other man so he could be a father to our youngest in peace but not for a new beginning. I told him that this was a temporary solution, so I can become financially stable and then we're divorcing. He tried to talk me out of it, and on and on and on. I told him at that moment it wasn't going to work, that we will have to live seperately once we got there because I wasn't going to live six months with him in denial thinking were getting back together.

 

He got upset and left for a bit. A few hours later he came back, we talked about it and he said okay. I don't think he fully accepts it but he knows that if he becomes overbearing, I'll just move out, pay for my half of the rent or termination fee with my half the proceeds from the house, and will get spousal support out of him. I don't want to do that, and I sounded mean saying that but he was just not getting it.

 

Today were suppose to sign for the six-month lease.

 

Good for you... you did the right thing.

 

Do you think he will go to counseling for his issues with self esteem and self worth, because he has none, and I mean just not any at all...

[BaileyB]

It's good that you told him. He may not have wanted to hear it, but he deserved to know the truth.

[TheRainbow]

Good for you... you did the right thing.

 

Do you think he will go to counseling for his issues with self esteem and self worth, because he has none, and I mean just not any at all...

 

 

If I told anyone I know this was how he was, all the stuff I did to him, and describe our entire relationship, in a nutshell, they wouldn't believe it. I hope he gets counselling. He needs to find the balance. At work, he is a manager of a section of a big company. He's transferring where he will once again be a manager of a big part of a successful company. He is alpha at work, but he gets home to his personal life, he falls apart. He has admitted on so many occasions that my strong will, personality was what made him want me. I do wish him the best. I don't hate him. I do like him as a person, and we never really fought. But I didn't respect him. He was too soft. I can't begin to get down to the root of my issues until I let him go.