I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[TheRainbow]

This is more of a vent then anything. The separation and eventual divorce is in the works.

 

 

Tonight, my husband and I had a very brief discussion about my daughter desire to switch from a Montessori school setting to a traditional middle school setting. Back when she was 3 we enrolled her into a montessori preschool and ever since we had paid the 8,500.00 a year tuition for elementary school.

 

After we had a discussion with our daughter and my urging, when we were alone, he made it very clear that he doesn't support her attending a public school and that she doesn't get to make that decision among other things. He asked me if I had any objections and I said no. Then he said good and walked away.

 

This got me thinking. If only he was this firm in all parts of our failed marriage. How blunt and firm he was when it came to important parts of our children's life; if only he was that way toward me. Grew a backbone and didn't repeatedly let me walked all over him, then maybe, just maybe I would have had more respect for him as a partner. And maybe I wouldn't be seeking a divorce. It may just be wishful thinking though.

[oldlion]

Have your husband post on here. He will get plenty of advice on growing a backbone and what to do next. If he follows advice from the people on this site then he will never again be a doormat and you probably won't recognize him as the same man. Even if you do divorce him he will be ready for his next relationship. I do wish you well.

[DKT3]

This is more of a vent then anything. The separation and eventual divorce is in the works.

 

 

Tonight, my husband and I had a very brief discussion about my daughter desire to switch from a Montessori school setting to a traditional middle school setting. Back when she was 3 we enrolled her into a montessori preschool and ever since we had paid the 8,500.00 a year tuition for elementary school.

 

After we had a discussion with our daughter and my urging, when we were alone, he made it very clear that he doesn't support her attending a public school and that she doesn't get to make that decision among other things. He asked me if I had any objections and I said no. Then he said good and walked away.

 

This got me thinking. If only he was this firm in all parts of our failed marriage. How blunt and firm he was when it came to important parts of our children's life; if only he was that way toward me. Grew a backbone and didn't repeatedly let me walked all over him, then maybe, just maybe I would have had more respect for him as a partner. And maybe I wouldn't be seeking a divorce. It may just be wishful thinking though.

 

Funny thing is women like you often mistake love and compassion for weakness. Once he realizes the marriage is lost I bet you will see a different man, one strong and unwavering. It happens alot.

[Adotta]

That is the funny part of it all. He will probably grow a spine through this when it comes to his next relationship.

 

Why was his compassion and understanding such a turn off for You? I've seen this before. Women in society tell us to be compassionate and kind. Self sacrificing. They shove the white knight , loving father and provider bit down our throats all the time, but it seems to not really work at all. There is no respect for men who love to deeply it seems to me.

 

Why didn't you ever tell him about your lack of respect for the way he acts? And if you did how did he respond?

 

Does he act the same way in other parts of his life. Is he a people pleased push over in front of others?

 

Over all good update op. I'm happy he seems to be coming out of "it" and is distancing from you. It's for the best.

[BluesPower]

Funny thing is women like you often mistake love and compassion for weakness. Once he realizes the marriage is lost I bet you will see a different man, one strong and unwavering. It happens alot.

 

That is the funny part of it all. He will probably grow a spine through this when it comes to his next relationship.

 

Why was his compassion and understanding such a turn off for You? I've seen this before. Women in society tell us to be compassionate and kind. Self sacrificing. They shove the white knight , loving father and provider bit down our throats all the time, but it seems to not really work at all. There is no respect for men who love to deeply it seems to me.

 

Why didn't you ever tell him about your lack of respect for the way he acts? And if you did how did he respond?

 

Does he act the same way in other parts of his life. Is he a people pleased push over in front of others?

 

Over all good update op. I'm happy he seems to be coming out of "it" and is distancing from you. It's for the best.

 

This is something that really needs...to be discussed.

 

What is this about. Why do men act this way. Why do women eventually turn away from this beta behavior.

 

For me, I understand what women want in a man, in general, but I don't understand why.

 

Yes, I may be a strong man, love woman, but this behavior almost forces men like me to keep their emotions and fears inside.

 

You think it is easy to always be tough, you think it is easy to always be strong, you think it is easy to always have your S*** together, well, it is not.

 

It is just strange...

[BaileyB]

This got me thinking. If only he was this firm in all parts of our failed marriage. How blunt and firm he was when it came to important parts of our children's life; if only he was that way toward me. Grew a backbone and didn't repeatedly let me walked all over him, then maybe, just maybe I would have had more respect for him as a partner. And maybe I wouldn't be seeking a divorce. It may just be wishful thinking though.

 

It's interesting how you lay the blame for your poor behavior with your husband.

 

"If he grew a backbone and didn't let me walk all over him...." Yeah, I don't disagree, he should have done that.

 

But, the bigger question is, why did YOU CHOSE to show such little respect for your husband and your marriage such that you continuously hurt and walk all over him... I'm sorry, but that's on you.

 

But, he comes to you and informs you rather disrespectfully that he has made a decision, rather than respecting your opinion and making the decision together, and you go all googly eyes... you have a warped sense of what love is and what respect looks like in a healthy relationship.

 

And may I ask, I have to question your decision making when you are separating and you don't have enough money to live right now... why are you spending thousands of dollars to send your daughter of a private school - especially when it is against her wishes? Is this really a wise decision?

Edited June 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[TheRainbow]

Does he act the same way in other parts of his life. Is he a people pleased push over in front of others?

 

No, he doesn't. Just me. It's only me and his mother he seems to waver too. His work life is his a leader, firm, etc. As a father, he is stern, loving and very involved. Me... He lets me walk all over him. I try to stop. I am too messed up too while I'm still with him. I'm letting him go. He really doesn't want to let me go. I've heard him tell someone on the phone that he doesn't want to separate, that our problems which to my knowledge he didn't go into detail with anyone else is something we can fix. But that I already put a plan into motion and that he has no choice.

 

I know being an intact family was so so so very important to him. So I guess pulling the plug on this mess of a marriage is hard for him. The one thing he wanted, he can't just flick a switch and change, but learn to accept.

[TheRainbow]

Have your husband post on here. He will get plenty of advice on growing a backbone and what to do next. If he follows advice from the people on this site then he will never again be a doormat and you probably won't recognize him as the same man. Even if you do divorce him he will be ready for his next relationship. I do wish you well.

 

He won't come on here. He doesn't want to take advice or seek a counsellor, there is no way he'd take any advice from strangers. Which I have to admit has helped me a lot during this whole process.

[Adotta]

It sounds like your husband loves you very deeply. It sounds like he is a man of principle. You do say he doesn't act like this with others. I'm guessing he really meant it when he said I do. He puts you and your needs in front of his own. He should have thought of himself more, but it's noble if also foolish.

 

He looks at love like I used to. In a way men are tuaght to put women on pedestals. Women like it. Women always like compliments and admiration, but without the drama of push and pull and fighting and needing to win him over a bit they just get bored I guess. They lose respect for the man as they start looking at him as a servant or a nice guy. There is no struggle. No "fun" of the chase or "fleeing".

 

I really think women... some women can't survive without drama.

 

Then there is the power of an authoritive man as well. I notice my girlfriend seems much more interested in making me happy and pleasing me as well as more romantic after I assert myself around her and even at times over her. It's ****ing weird. I hate people being authoritative with me, but she seems to like it.

 

In bed as well. Sometimes I'm loving and sometimes aggressive. She enjoys the aggressive more. It's like what society tells us women want is wrong or off a bit. Men are forced to play a game of balance just to keep women interested. Romance and aggression. I wish I had a better word for it then agression. Aloof? Control? I don't know. You women are crazy sometimes. We men just try to understand as best we can.

 

Bottom line I guess is don't ever let the woman you love think there isn't a thing ahe can do to make you leave her. I really think **** tests have a basis in reality to a degree and your husband failed every one.

[TheRainbow]

It sounds like your husband loves you very deeply. It sounds like he is a man of principle. You do say he doesn't act like this with others. I'm guessing he really meant it when he said I do. He puts you and your needs in front of his own. He should have thought of himself more, but it's noble if also foolish.

 

I wished I felt the same way as he does. I do love him. There are so many things to love about him, but I am not in love with him away a wife should. That is why I'm doing the most selfless thing I can do and is to let him go.

 

Tonight, he asked if I'd hold off on filing for divorce, and do a trial separation instead. We have to be residents of the state were moving too I believe for 90 days before I can file anyway officially. I told him that we have 90 days regardless, but I don't see myself changing my mind.

[coolheadal]

I don't take pride in what I'm doing. But it doesn't change that I do it. I have tried to stop and I've tried to seek what is lacking from the relationship but at the end of the day, I just realize it isn't anything he's doing wrong. He's the whole package any normal sane woman would want. He's your typical nice guy. Maybe that is why I stray because he is too nice.

 

Nice guys get a bad rap that's why they need to stand-up and become bit stronger than nice. You want a man that does it all, meaning you want to be dare and tease and flirting you just want to have fun! Your husband is just to settled you are not there yet on the same level as he. He won't divorce you because he know he won't find anyone better or worst than you. So you cheat because that's your escape from your marriage, you can take a risk and if you get caught you don't really care if you do or you don't. Cheat is fun an exciting for those who love to cheat. Then you got the rest that don't cheat and are happy with their partner or spouse. Your not really happy but you are in it for the long haul. This is who you are and you can't say anything but that you love to have fun by cheating it's the only way you can live. Your husband can't let you go because again he will never let you go.

[TheRainbow]

I started the packing process with just over a week to go. The closer the day comes, the more difficult emotionally it is to be around my husband. We had a huge argument which resulted in him offending me, me reacting badly. I did apologize because I don't like to fight with him. I can't wait until this is said and done. Six months separation as required, then the divorce can be on its way.

[ElKay]

Oh wow, this was painful to read... I'm glad you both are moving to some sort of resolution, slowly but surely. Hopefully this separation isn't more painful than it should be.

[TheRainbow]

So the other man messaged me. He didn't really say much except to insult me, call me names, and call my husband some odd names. That I ended his marriage and that he can't find work anymore. I have a hidden suspicion my husband had a hand in that. Not one word about the baby. I just ignored his message and went on with my day. His marriage problems are his own doing. I have to worry about my own separation.

[Adotta]

Good for your husband if he was the one who got him fired and blew up his marriage. Do you take it seriously when a criminal gets mad at a cop for catching them? No you don't.

 

If your husband had let this guy go Scott free he may very well have wondered the rest of his life if he shouldn't have. When another man steps into your territory and starts pissing on everything it's infuriating. If he then gets to go back to his happy marriage and keep his job.... **** that. He should be counting his lucky starts your husband didn't track him down and castrate the bastard.

 

Didn't even mention the baby. Guess we know where his head is. Up his ass.

[TheRainbow]

If he then gets to go back to his happy marriage and keep his job.... **** that. He should be counting his lucky starts your husband didn't track him down and castrate the bastard.

 

Didn't even mention the baby. Guess we know where his head is. Up his ass.

 

 

Indirectly my husband got both of us fired when he showed to where we had both worked and confronted him. But my husband knew a lot of people in our community and I think he may have talked to a few people which is why he isn't finding work. Also my husband contacted the wife.

Edited June 26, 2018 by TheRainbow

[Colin Grant]

You're one of them. Don't be fooled by thinking if he was a different person, then you might be also. This is you. Accept it and divorce your husband despite his thoughts of remaining with you. He will thank you a few years down the road.

[TheRainbow]

Are you capable of understanding how your husband must feel about all this - that you've created?

 

I do know how he feels. But I can't change any of it. I have put a plan into place and as of July 1st, we'll be officially separated. He's hurting so badly and he doesn't want this. This morning he made it clear to me that I was forcing him into this and wished I'd just change my mind. I feel so guilty. I feel so bad I bought the other man into our lives.

 

I almost wished I would have taken our youngest, paternity to the grave. Not knowing would have been so much easier. But I told myself I wouldn't let himself find out any other way. I'm trying to be as authentic as I can be.

[TheRainbow]

I had a "real" moment of reality.

 

As I was packing up the last few things in the basement. I came across my wedding dress and I cried hard for ten minutes. I am not going to get any sympathy, I'm aware. And I brought this havoc to my family's life. But just the finality that in four days, my family is being torn apart. On Saturday afternoon we are starting the drive to the new city, my husband is going to help me unpack some of our stuff in the new apartment. Then he is going to put the rest in storage. HE is going to stay with family. He allready paid the 1700.00 (he made a deal) to cancel the lease for the condo we originally were going to move into. It just feels so final. :sick:It's for the best but I'm having serious second thoughts.

[BaileyB]

I'm having serious second thoughts.

 

How come this doesn’t surprise me...

 

Look, regardless of the circumstances, you will grieve the loss of your marriage. Feel the feelings and move on...

[GreenTea937]

Oh sweetie you are not a bad person. Dont beat yourself up. Please talk to a therapist. You deserve so much better than the life you are living. I understand you are not happy. I honestly think you might have a sex addiction. You are addicted to the high that comes from finding someone new. The thrill of flirtation and attracting a new man. I know I've been there. When a relationship gets old, it gets boring to you. The thrill seeking part of your brain is very active and you tend to get bored easily. Please seek help. This may destroy your life.

 

You are a good person. Some women would go for the pension, the house, the child support, the alimony. You actually come off as very honest and are not about the money. If you forgo the child support, please have a plan on how to raise the children. It might get very hard on just a high school diploma to raise a child.

 

I am concerned about how you found your husband in the first place. It looks like you had your own issues. No high school diploma, working small jobs instead of a career. You got married young. Was there some sort of family dysfunction you were trying to escape. Your life seems like you have been trying to escape it the whole time. What are you running from? Sit down with yourself and try to figure it out. Did you have parents siblings mentors who cared about you? Did your husband take advantage of this in any way? I know he is the one who a lot of people might have sympathy for, but I am beginning to feel that he took advantage of a very young girl who did not know who she was at the time. Did he use his power and position in a way that you know deep in your subconcious was unfair to you. He gave you materialistic items but I feel he is controlling something. He will not let you be free and live the life you want. He will put you on a guilt trip for cheating but there is something more that he knows he is in the wrong about. Something about him comes off as manipulative.

 

Were you able to enjoy your youth? You got in a relationship so young to a 30 something as a TEENAGER! When you cant enjoy your youth, sometimes we tend to act out. I know I have. I know if I married the first man I ever had, I would be curious as to what else is out there for me. I know I would have cheated. In today's day and age and as long as humans live for, its unpractical to think we can spend forever with the first person we meet. I feel he took away a lot of your youth. I also feel he was the selfish one, not you.

[BaileyB]

I feel he took away a lot of your youth. I also feel he was the selfish one, not you.

 

Wow. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I could not disagree with you more. I’m totally speechless...

[BettyDraper]

Oh sweetie you are not a bad person. Dont beat yourself up. Please talk to a therapist. You deserve so much better than the life you are living. I understand you are not happy. I honestly think you might have a sex addiction. You are addicted to the high that comes from finding someone new. The thrill of flirtation and attracting a new man. I know I've been there. When a relationship gets old, it gets boring to you. The thrill seeking part of your brain is very active and you tend to get bored easily. Please seek help. This may destroy your life.

 

You are a good person. Some women would go for the pension, the house, the child support, the alimony. You actually come off as very honest and are not about the money. If you forgo the child support, please have a plan on how to raise the children. It might get very hard on just a high school diploma to raise a child.

 

I am concerned about how you found your husband in the first place. It looks like you had your own issues. No high school diploma, working small jobs instead of a career. You got married young. Was there some sort of family dysfunction you were trying to escape. Your life seems like you have been trying to escape it the whole time. What are you running from? Sit down with yourself and try to figure it out. Did you have parents siblings mentors who cared about you? Did your husband take advantage of this in any way? I know he is the one who a lot of people might have sympathy for, but I am beginning to feel that he took advantage of a very young girl who did not know who she was at the time. Did he use his power and position in a way that you know deep in your subconcious was unfair to you. He gave you materialistic items but I feel he is controlling something. He will not let you be free and live the life you want. He will put you on a guilt trip for cheating but there is something more that he knows he is in the wrong about. Something about him comes off as manipulative.

 

Were you able to enjoy your youth? You got in a relationship so young to a 30 something as a TEENAGER! When you cant enjoy your youth, sometimes we tend to act out. I know I have. I know if I married the first man I ever had, I would be curious as to what else is out there for me. I know I would have cheated. In today's day and age and as long as humans live for, its unpractical to think we can spend forever with the first person we meet. I feel he took away a lot of your youth. I also feel he was the selfish one, not you.

 

Oh please.

 

Women are not clueless damsels who bear no culpability for our actions. The right to be seen as equals to men comes with the responsibility of being accountable adults! The OP was not forced to be with her husband due to some archaic arranged marriage. Her husband is the kind of man who loves to save women because he thinks that he's being noble. He personifies the "white knight" archetype. The OP showed callous disregard for the man who tried to give her a good life and needing to "enjoy youth" is not an excuse for that. The OP's youth was not stolen. She gave it away of her own volition.

 

If anyone was being taken advantage of, it was the OP's husband because the OP saw that he was an easy mark. She was stripping and she knew that he had the resources to give her a certain lifestyle. She used him for money and stability. This situation exemplifies an uncomfortable truth about what the sexes look for in each other; men search for youth and fertility in their female partners while women want men with resources.

 

I don't know if the OP is a good person but her past actions are certainly not indicative of an honorable and respectful individual. It isn't as if she cheated once and learned her lesson. The OP repeatedly cheated on her husband and had a child outside of the marriage. It's the classic "Alpha f**ks, beta bucks" scenario.

[BettyDraper]

I had a "real" moment of reality.

 

As I was packing up the last few things in the basement. I came across my wedding dress and I cried hard for ten minutes. I am not going to get any sympathy, I'm aware. And I brought this havoc to my family's life. But just the finality that in four days, my family is being torn apart. On Saturday afternoon we are starting the drive to the new city, my husband is going to help me unpack some of our stuff in the new apartment. Then he is going to put the rest in storage. HE is going to stay with family. He allready paid the 1700.00 (he made a deal) to cancel the lease for the condo we originally were going to move into. It just feels so final. :sick:It's for the best but I'm having serious second thoughts.

 

You are grieving a loss and feeling remorse. Those emotions are completely normal given everything that has happened.

 

If you're having second thoughts, it's because you're scared of the prospect of living on your own with less financial stability.

I doubt it's because you actually love your husband and want to work on your marriage.

[TheRainbow]

In today's day and age and as long as humans live for, its unpractical to think we can spend forever with the first person we meet. I feel he took away a lot of your youth. I also feel he was the selfish one, not you.

 

 

I can see where you are coming from but it's not the truth. If it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't be where I was. We met in a strip club. He took me away from that lifestyle. He encouraged me to get a grade 12 and to get a career.

 

Also, he isn't the first man I dated. I dated a few men throughout highschool. He was the first man that gave me some stability.

 

I forever show gratitude to him. He taking care of a child that isnt biologically his with open arms. That is by far the most selfless act I can imagine.

 

I think in my own way I do love him. But I don't love myself to love another. I think that realization that my marriage is coming to end is heartbreaking. I'm sad. I thought I'd feel more at peace but I'm just feeling defeated. But I can't keep doing this to him, to myself.