I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[TheRainbow]

In today's day and age and as long as humans live for, its unpractical to think we can spend forever with the first person we meet. I feel he took away a lot of your youth. I also feel he was the selfish one, not you.

 

 

I can see where you are coming from but it's not the truth. If it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't be where I was. We met in a strip club. He took me away from that lifestyle. He encouraged me to get a grade 12 and to get a career.

 

Also, he isn't the first man I dated. I dated a few men throughout highschool. He was the first man that gave me some stability.

 

I forever show gratitude to him. He taking care of a child that isnt biologically his with open arms. That is by far the most selfless act I can imagine.

 

I think in my own way I do love him. But I don't love myself to love another. I think that realization that my marriage is coming to end is heartbreaking. I'm sad. I thought I'd feel more at peace but I'm just feeling defeated. But I can't keep doing this to him, to myself.

[BaileyB]

Her husband is the kind of man who loves to save women because he thinks that he's being noble. He personifies the "white knight" archetype. The OP showed callous disregard for the man who tried to give her a good life.

 

If anyone was being taken advantage of, it was the OP's husband because the OP saw that he was an easy mark. She was stripping and she knew that he had the resources to give her a certain lifestyle. She used him for money and stability. This situation exemplifies an uncomfortable truth about what the sexes look for in each other; men search for youth and fertility in their female partners while women want men with resources.

 

I don't know if the OP is a good person but her past actions are certainly not indicative of an honorable and respectful individual. It isn't as if she cheated once and learned her lesson. The OP repeatedly cheated on her husband and had a child outside of the marriage.

 

That about says it.

 

To suggest that this man was selfish or manipulative and that somehow OP is justified for having multiple affairs and producing a child outside of the marriage is a disservice to women. Each and every person is responsible and accountable for their own actions - the decisions OP has made in her life were selfish, hurtful, and distructive to her family. There is no way to sugar coat it.

 

It's not wrong to expect a wife and mother to respect and honor her husband, and protect her children. If a woman is not able to do that, she has no business getting married or having children.

[TheRainbow]

I can't stop crying over stupid ****. Now I'm going through my wedding album. This time my husband heard me and tried to comfort me. I had to tell him to leave me alone because this is what I need. I need to grieve and he needs to grieve and not worry about me.

[BluesPower]

I can't stop crying over stupid ****. Now I'm going through my wedding album. This time my husband heard me and tried to comfort me. I had to tell him to leave me alone because this is what I need. I need to grieve and he needs to grieve and not worry about me.

 

Yes you both need to grieve...

 

While you have done some bad things, no doubt, look at the change that you have made in just the last couple of months.

 

You are already starting to live a more authentic live, you are letting your Husband go so he can find someone else that can actually love him the proper way. Over time, with therapy, you are going to be in a better place.

 

And, you will be a better mother for your children in the long run...

[redbaron007]

I can't stop crying over stupid ****. Now I'm going through my wedding album. This time my husband heard me and tried to comfort me. I had to tell him to leave me alone because this is what I need. I need to grieve and he needs to grieve and not worry about me.

 

By insisting on moving forward with divorce, you are making a mistake. If your husband has explicitly offered you an open marriage, why not take it, and keep the family intact? Have flings with other men, but use protection so you don't end up with more kids that your hubby has to support. Excluding his ONS with a stripper, your hubby seems to be doing just fine. He's not suffering at his job, or losing sleep over your child with OM. He just wants to keep the family together.

 

It's a question of perspective. Some men are fine if their wives sleep around and don't suffer from insecurity or jealousy...remember the entire "free love" movement was based on this. Maybe your hubby is one of them. If your cheating is not a big deal for him, it does not mean he is weak or is a doormat. He just doesn't attach too much importance to monogamy.

 

You seem to be creating unncessary drama that can seriously damage your daughters wellbeing.

[TheRainbow]

If your husband has explicitly offered you an open marriage, why not take it, and keep the family intact?

...

 

If your cheating is not a big deal for him, it does not mean he is weak or is a doormat. He just doesn't attach too much importance to monogamy.

 

 

 

The thing is, it does hurt him. He may not be suffering at his job or other parts of his life, but doesn't mean that he doesn't want a faithful wife. He just wants me to be that person. I want to be that person, but it looks like it won't be with him. Every time I cheat, he wants me to stop. He asks me to quit my job. Even when he found out the youngest wasn't his, he suggested counselling. He likely feels powerless and doesn't know what to do about it. So I have to do this for both our sakes.

 

There is a mininum 6 month waiting period before I can file for divorce anyway.

Edited June 29, 2018 by TheRainbow

[redbaron007]

The thing is, it does hurt him. He may not be suffering at his job or other parts of his life, but doesn't mean that he doesn't want a faithful wife. He just wants me to be that person. I want to be that person, but it looks like it won't be with him. Every time I cheat, he wants me to stop. He asks me to quit my job. Even when he found out the youngest wasn't his, he suggested counselling. He likely feels powerless and doesn't know what to do about it. So I have to do this for both our sakes.

 

There is a mininum 6 month waiting period before I can file for divorce anyway.

 

 

I do doubt there's any guy out there who will make you stop cheating - only you can do that. And do you honestly want to be monogamous? Is it because our ridiculous hypocritical society says you should be monogamous, and if you're not, you're a fallen or tainted woman, while a man can do whatever the f*ck he wants? Based on your own track record, I get the feeling you prefer not to be monogamous. That is perfectly fine as long as you are honest and upfront about it with your partners. F*ck society.

 

BH's that are hurt by infidelity are absolutely crushed - they literally cannot function, are given to rages, depression, lack of sleep, lose weight, they cry, underperform at their jobs, start drinking heavily, etc. or just leave. It literally emasculates them. Does this sound like your husband? I didn't get that from your posts, though I may be mistaken. Has he demanded that you be faithful, or else he'll leave? No. So infidelity is not a dealbreaker for him.

Edited June 30, 2018 by redbaron007

[DKT3]

She wants out, period. I'm not sure why it's so important for her to put on this song and dance about divorcing for him. No one should judge any one for wanting out of a marriage that doesn't work for them. Bottom line is she doesn't nor has she ever loved this guy, she used him for comfort and stability, the marriage has outlasted her need for him to fill that role, to a degree, since she still wants him to pay her way.

[merrmeade]

I do doubt there's any guy out there who will make you stop cheating - only you can do that. And do you honestly want to be monogamous? Is it because our ridiculous hypocritical society says you should be monogamous, and if you're not, you're a fallen or tainted woman, while a man can do whatever the f*ck he wants? Based on your own track record, I get the feeling you prefer not to be monogamous. That is perfectly fine as long as you are honest and upfront about it with your partners. F*ck society.

 

BH's that are hurt by infidelity are absolutely crushed - they literally cannot function, are given to rages, depression, lack of sleep, lose weight, they cry, underperform at their jobs, start drinking heavily, etc. or just leave. It literally emasculates them. Does this sound like your husband? I didn't get that from your posts, though I may be mistaken. Has he demanded that you be faithful, or else he'll leave? No. So infidelity is not a dealbreaker for him.

I agree with everything you say — EXCEPT: We are not just dealing with consenting adults. There are children involved. She is their mother. Main role model.

 

Just a question because this situation is so loaded. She is very up front about who she thinks she is and makes a stab at why every once in a while. She freely admits she doesn't feel strongly compelled to be monogamous and doesn't know if it's because of her or him.

 

This IS the situation. The only really strong opinion I have here is that she must think about how she will explain her lifestyle to her kids. That's all and that's a LOT. Does she understand what legacy she is leaving them? Is she living the values she wants them to imbibe and emulate? Even if her children don't motivate her to do the hard work to change (or even contemplate doing it in the future), at the very least she must own and be able to articulate her worldview to them.

 

It's what parents do, whether consciously or incidentally, directly or by example. Personally, I think it's better when children see and hear consistency from their parents. It's entirely possible that she can say to them, "This is who I am, but it doesn't have to define you."

[TheRainbow]

A third of the way to the new city. It's so surreal. We should be there by eight in the morning. Just to think that I'm separated. Officially separated.

[Striver]

I do doubt there's any guy out there who will make you stop cheating - only you can do that. And do you honestly want to be monogamous? Is it because our ridiculous hypocritical society says you should be monogamous, and if you're not, you're a fallen or tainted woman, while a man can do whatever the f*ck he wants? Based on your own track record, I get the feeling you prefer not to be monogamous. That is perfectly fine as long as you are honest and upfront about it with your partners. F*ck society.

 

BH's that are hurt by infidelity are absolutely crushed - they literally cannot function, are given to rages, depression, lack of sleep, lose weight, they cry, underperform at their jobs, start drinking heavily, etc. or just leave. It literally emasculates them. Does this sound like your husband? I didn't get that from your posts, though I may be mistaken. Has he demanded that you be faithful, or else he'll leave? No. So infidelity is not a dealbreaker for him.

 

I'm not sure BH in this instance has even processed infidelity. He's still in denial mode.

 

There are plenty of relationships that stay in crisis mode for years, with one party constantly cheating, threatening to cheat, threatening to leave. The other party always caves, so they never really psychologically deal with the impact of the events.

 

Then the marriage finally breaks up, or something happens to shift out of crisis mode. Then the BS finally starts dealing with their feelings years or decades after the fact.

[TheRainbow]

This will be the second night alone. It's difference but I think I'm doing all right. We still have our joint account which is where the sale of the house is going to be deposit into in the next few weeks. My husband and I have an unofficial agreement. He's giving me 2000 a month spousal/child support for 6 months so I can find work, and establish.

[TheRainbow]

I folded. I miss him. I really really do. Now I'm questioning if this is what I want. He had made no secret that this isn't what he wants. But I just find myself, not so much lonely, but as I find myself wanting to tell him something I learn, or seen, and he's well not here. This morning, I went to grab a coffee before an interview and I bought myself something and him something without even thinking.

[BluesPower]

I folded. I miss him. I really really do. Now I'm questioning if this is what I want. He had made no secret that this isn't what he wants. But I just find myself, not so much lonely, but as I find myself wanting to tell him something I learn, or seen, and he's well not here. This morning, I went to grab a coffee before an interview and I bought myself something and him something without even thinking.

 

 

 

You really need to be strong... I know that it is hard to detach, I get it.

 

 

But you really have to do this for him and not for you. He needs to have you gone from his life. Maybe that will help him find his balls or something.

 

 

So try to focus on that...

[Zahara]

I folded. I miss him. I really really do. Now I'm questioning if this is what I want. He had made no secret that this isn't what he wants. But I just find myself, not so much lonely, but as I find myself wanting to tell him something I learn, or seen, and he's well not here. This morning, I went to grab a coffee before an interview and I bought myself something and him something without even thinking.

 

I think you miss the familiarity of having him (someone) there with you. Someone to lean on and the physical presence of support. Not so much missing him as a person. Hence finding yourself wanting to share with him. That in itself doesn't justify getting back together. It just signifies the difficult process of detaching.

[TheRainbow]

We are meeting to "talk". He has so things he said we hadn't discussed. It's true we have a few things we need to discuss. But I feel like neither of us is emotionally in a place to talk logistics, and email would be better, but I agreed anyway. He started yesterday at his job., same company different location.

[stillafool]

I folded. I miss him. I really really do. Now I'm questioning if this is what I want. He had made no secret that this isn't what he wants. But I just find myself, not so much lonely, but as I find myself wanting to tell him something I learn, or seen, and he's well not here. This morning, I went to grab a coffee before an interview and I bought myself something and him something without even thinking.

 

It's an adjustment but you'll be okay. It takes time. Go out and meet new people.

[TheRainbow]

I made an appointment with a counsellor for this week. I don't want to be this person anymore; I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to show my daughter's that being promiscuous is okay. I can't change the past, but I can refuse to make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

 

The job my husband can get for me, I have to decide by Wednesday, and I think I'm going to take it. That way I can start being self-sufficient and not live off my betrayed husband.

 

We hadn't made much leeway with a permanent custody schedule. We have been switching every day, with the girls, but I was thinking about proposing a 2-2-3 or 2-2-5 plan.

 

On the same token, my husband doesn't want us to discuss divorce during the mandatory separation period. He proposes we take the time to work on ourselves. I did tell him he needs counselling because he shouldn't be okay with how I had treated him. He said he'll give it a try. So at least there is that. I didn't promise him anything. The only thing I want right now while I'm actively having second thoughts, and missing the man like crazy is for us to remain civil and friendly.

[BaileyB]

I made an appointment with a counsellor for this week. I don't want to be this person anymore; I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to show my daughter's that being promiscuous is okay. I can't change the past, but I can refuse to make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

 

The job my husband can get for me, I have to decide by Wednesday, and I think I'm going to take it. That way I can start being self-sufficient and not live off my betrayed husband.

 

We hadn't made much leeway with a permanent custody schedule. We have been switching every day, with the girls, but I was thinking about proposing a 2-2-3 or 2-2-5 plan.

 

On the same token, my husband doesn't want us to discuss divorce during the mandatory separation period. He proposes we take the time to work on ourselves. I did tell him he needs counselling because he shouldn't be okay with how I had treated him. He said he'll give it a try. So at least there is that. I didn't promise him anything. The only thing I want right now while I'm actively having second thoughts, and missing the man like crazy is for us to remain civil and friendly.

 

Well, that's a good update.

 

I hope that you both get the counselling that you need. I'd like to think that you have learned from this horrible experience and that your life, and your daughters lives, will be better for it.

 

It takes courage to grow, to live a life of integrity. I wish you well.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Rainbow,

 

I’ve been following your thread, and this is the first positive update you have posted. You are now showing real growth in your life. I can see you are now demonstrating a level of remorse. You are correct; your activities will influence your daughter’s outlook on life.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[major_merrick]

Definitely a messed up situation, but I think you're having some remorse and trying to bring something positive out of it. Sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that WE are the problem, not our partner. And that takes a level of awareness that lots of people don't get. Your husband has been incredibly long-suffering, and has every right to be angry with you. And yet, he's helping you try to find your way. The man is a saint, and you are lucky to have him for a friend.

 

And this doesn't necessarily have to end up with the two of you apart. My husband and I were bf/gf many years ago. I treated him pretty badly because of my own issues. I cheated, and we couldn't seem to make things work no matter how hard we tried. But we stayed in touch and kept our friendship. Fast forward a decade, and we got married. We still have our issues, but we just couldn't live without each other. We also couldn't be monogamous...there's more partners in our house than just the two of us.

 

My point in saying all that is - you might come back to each other later on once some of the hurt has healed and once you get a handle on yourself. It doesn't mean things get fixed, it doesn't make right what has happened, but there's sometimes a chance to patch together what's been broken.

[redbaron007]

I made an appointment with a counsellor for this week. I don't want to be this person anymore; I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to show my daughter's that being promiscuous is okay. I can't change the past, but I can refuse to make the same mistakes over and over and over again....

 

Let's be clear. Cheating is a mistake, sure, since it deeply hurts your spouse or partner. It shows lack of integrity, selfishness, narcissism and shows you cannot be trusted. But "promiscuity" is completely different.

 

Being "promiscuous" or promiscuity is just a derogatory term by our hypocritical society to denigrate women for expressing their sexuality. If a guy sleeps around he is a stud, while a woman is labeled a ...well, you get the point. This is true even in our so-called civilized Western society. There a a few remote spots on our planet where a semblance of gender balance exists. For example: Google "China's Kingdom of Women" about the wonderful customs of the Mosuo people who live on the banks of the Lugu lake. There's a lovely BBC Travel photo essay on the topic. Women are as free as men to have as many lovers as they want.

 

Why shouldn't your daughter should be free to express her sexuality when she comes of age? It has nothing to do with cheating.

[DKT3]

Let's be clear. Cheating is a mistake, sure, since it deeply hurts your spouse or partner. It shows lack of integrity, selfishness, narcissism and shows you cannot be trusted. But "promiscuity" is completely different.

 

Being "promiscuous" or promiscuity is just a derogatory term by our hypocritical society to denigrate women for expressing their sexuality. If a guy sleeps around he is a stud, while a woman is labeled a ...well, you get the point. This is true even in our so-called civilized Western society. There a a few remote spots on our planet where a semblance of gender balance exists. For example: Google "China's Kingdom of Women" about the wonderful customs of the Mosuo people who live on the banks of the Lugu lake. There's a lovely BBC Travel photo essay on the topic. Women are as free as men to have as many lovers as they want.

 

Why shouldn't your daughter should be free to express her sexuality when she comes of age? It has nothing to do with cheating.

I think its situational, in this situation she was being promiscuous, and clearly putting her husband at risk from her behavior (pregnant by other men means no protection).. Along with sexual freedom comes responsibility. Also there is a difference between a person who enjoys sex, and a person looking to gain something in an unhealthy manner through sex. OP is the latter.

[stillafool]

Also it's different if you are a single woman then by all means express your sexuality; but if you are married don't cheat on your husband.

[redbaron007]

I think its situational, in this situation she was being promiscuous, and clearly putting her husband at risk from her behavior (pregnant by other men means no protection).. Along with sexual freedom comes responsibility. Also there is a difference between a person who enjoys sex, and a person looking to gain something in an unhealthy manner through sex. OP is the latter.

 

Again, my point is these are two separate matters. It's nobody's business but the individual's as to how many people the person sleeps with, for whatever reason. It may be a good reason or a bad reason, that responsibility lies solely with the individual.

 

Cheating is a completely different topic. Two people knowingly and willingly enter into monogamous relationship, and one of them violates that agreement.

Whether they sleep with one person or ten, whether they just kissed, groped, oral or anal, one of the parties can justifiably be hurt.

 

Just from a few random posts, we cannot say anything about OP. Maybe she was conditioned to be a "good girl" but always wanted to have many lovers. But she did the "right thing" and married a nice guy. Maybe she doesn't love him at all as she said earlier, maybe she does, as she recently alluded to. Maybe she is not sure...

 

Again, what she did to her husband is clearly wrong. She should not have cheated, and should not cheat again. Yes, she's not setting a good example for her daughter when she cheats on her father. As long as she is in this marriage, she should not cheat.

 

However, I encourage OP to honestly evaluate whether she truly wants to be monogamous, now or in future. Forget about what your teacher, priest, mom, others told you. Do YOU honestly want to be monogamous? If not, then that's fine..there is nothing wrong with you, as long as you are happy leading a life where you have many lovers, serial or concurrent, if you take the right precautions, etc.

 

But if you are not happy being monogamous, there is no point in entering into monogamous relationships, whether with current husband or a future guy. You should be honest, whether it's with your current husband or with future guys. You really don't want to cheat, as you've realized yourself.

 

I'm only reiterating this because OP has stated in the past that she wants to be monogamous, but it's not possible with her current husband. From the limited info we have here, I find it far-fetched that there is some guy out there who will miraculously convert OP into a faithful wife.