nittygritty Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 Things have been weird since Friday. Besides dropping and picking up the children from one another, our texts are brief, and when we do see each other in person, he is like rushing to get me or like today when he came to my house to pick up the girls, couldn't get away fast enough. It's weird. Edited to add: I'm wondering if something is bothering him. I know I need to detach, but it is bothering me, and it shouldn't because I don't really have the right to. Don’t you think he has someone else to talk to about what is going on? A family member, friend or even an attorney? He put up with more than what most people would in order to try to keep his family intact and not get separated and divorced. Now that he has had some time away from you, he might be realizing that it’s for the best. You made his worst fears come true. Now that he is facing his fears, he might actually enjoy living without the daily drama, lies and emotional abuse. Now it’s just a matter of untangling and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 23, 2018 Author Share Posted August 23, 2018 I think something else is bothering him. Maybe his family suspects something. He was adamant about keeping everything from them, especially his mother because he didn't want our oldest finding out. My daughter hasn't said anything, so it's just a theory at this point. I'm looking into child counsellors in case the truth starts leaking out because she is going to be hurt, pissed at me and I'm worried that she won't be able to handle the fallout emotionally. I feel sick just thinking about it. The worst part about it is it would be all my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 I think something else is bothering him. Maybe his family suspects something. He was adamant about keeping everything from them, especially his mother because he didn't want our oldest finding out. My daughter hasn't said anything, so it's just a theory at this point. I'm looking into child counsellors in case the truth starts leaking out because she is going to be hurt, pissed at me and I'm worried that she won't be able to handle the fallout emotionally. I feel sick just thinking about it. The worst part about it is it would be all my fault. Dysfunctional families keep secrets like that. It is not mentally healthy for him, your daughters or you to keep a secret like that. Eventually it will come out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 23, 2018 Author Share Posted August 23, 2018 (edited) Dysfunctional families keep secrets like that. It is not mentally healthy for him, your daughters or you to keep a secret like that. Eventually it will come out. I don't disagree, but I rather it come out gradually, with a third unbias third party present. She has been very sheltered her entire life, for many reasons. And since my husband is staying with his mother temporary, I'd hate to see her find out that way. Edited August 23, 2018 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 I don't disagree, but I rather it come out gradually, with a third unbias third party present. She has been very sheltered her entire life, for many reasons. And since my husband is staying with his mother temporary, I'd hate to see her find out that way. You cannot expect him not to talk to someone he trusts about what he is going through. His mother probably knows that you have repeatedly cheated so likely will question whether or not the kids are his. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 23, 2018 Author Share Posted August 23, 2018 (edited) You cannot expect him not to talk to someone he trusts about what he is going through. His mother probably knows that you have repeatedly cheated so likely will question whether or not the kids are his. It's possible, but I don't think she knows if anything only suspects. If she knew for sure, she'd lose it on me. She never cared for me, and I've heard stories, and he had also told me when he broke up with his last girlfriend/fiancee she lost it on her over some things she had done (nowhere near the multitude of what I had done) We are both strong-willed, bold women. If I weren't married to her son, we'd be butting heads constantly. She even tried to convince my husband not to marry me, which he should have listened too, but that's beside the point. Edited August 23, 2018 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 It's possible, but I don't think she knows if anything only suspects. If she knew for sure, she'd lose it on me. She never cared for me, and I've heard stories, and he had also told me when he broke up with his last girlfriend/fiancee she lost it on her over some things she had done (nowhere near the multitude of what I had done) We are both strong-willed, bold women. If I weren't married to her son, we'd be butting heads constantly. She even tried to convince my husband not to marry me, which he should have listened too, but that's beside the point. He is putting distance between you two. And I can only assume you are reading his thread because yeah.. mother issues as well. She really doesn't like you. I don't blame her exactly. Have you noticed that every time he starts pulling away you feel bad about it? You are hell bent on doing it to him, but when he gives the same treatment back... you hurt. Do you feel like your pride is hurt when he is the one cooling off? Do you believe it would be better if he chased you while you left? I mean in a twisted way being the one to leave while your ex partner chases and begs has to scratch an itch located on a person's ego... right? Being told "don't let the door hit you on the way out".... can't be a very good feeling. Could it be an ego driven feeling for you, or do you just lament the broken connection? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 24, 2018 Author Share Posted August 24, 2018 He is putting distance between you two. And I can only assume you are reading his thread because yeah.. mother issues as well. She really doesn't like you. I don't blame her exactly. I'm not reading his thread so all my thoughts are guesses and assumptions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 24, 2018 Author Share Posted August 24, 2018 I mean in a twisted way being the one to leave while your ex partner chases and begs has to scratch an itch located on a person's ego... right? Being told "don't let the door hit you on the way out".... can't be a very good feeling. Could it be an ego driven feeling for you, or do you just lament the broken connection? I'm not happy or getting any gratification from all of this. I feel sad because I'm human. I understand why he is. He is protecting himself and he should. He is not telling me not to go away but just avoiding conversation. If his mother is suspecting then maybe that is why he is pulling away. I really don't know. Either way, I admit it does make me feel sad that he is ignoring me. It's not like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted August 25, 2018 Share Posted August 25, 2018 The normal him is head over heals in love with you. You are now seeing what it's like to be a stranger to him. And make no mistake, that is exactly what is going to happen. Throw any idea of being close and friendly with him away. It's very rare two divorced spouses can be friends. It's usually a mess if they try. He is changing. In that he is changing the way he treats you and the way he thinks about you. Can you blame the guy? You basicly told him without so many words that the old friendly him wasn't doing it for you. This is the new him. He's just exploring the new him. He is still figuring it out. He is building a new future in his head and you are not a major part of it. Please don't try to be. Don't sleep with him any more. Just stop. At this point I feel it would be better to mess around with other guys than your husband. You are tearing him in half by sending mixed signals. Stop. It's not healthy for you either. Stop expecting him to be nice. His niceness was the thing he probably regrets most right now. Don't make drama if you can avoid it. Accept that this is going to feel like ****. He was an important part of your life and now that is ending. Any bad feeling about his cold shoulder.... that's on YOU. Have you talked to an IC recently? What progress have you made with , job , mental health. How is your pregnancy going? How are your kids doing. They have to be pretty confused. Have you had any of the important talks with them? I think you may have mentioned talking with them a bit, but I'm not entirely sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 26, 2018 Author Share Posted August 26, 2018 (edited) Have you talked to an IC recently? What progress have you made with , job , mental health. How is your pregnancy going? How are your kids doing? They have to be pretty confused. Have you had any of the important talks with them? I think you may have mentioned talking with them a bit, but I'm not entirely sure. I see a counsellor once a week. She thinks I should see someone who specializes with women with sex addiction. The one she recommended doesn't take my insurance, and I can't afford 175/hr a session to see her and I'm not asking my husband to cover it, even though I know he would. So I'm shopping around while continuing to see this therapist. She is really good and really gets me thinking and reflecting. She does a good calling out on my bull****. So I like her. I had recently gone down to three days at work at this new job because I'm having some pregnancy-related issues. None that are life-threatening or affecting the baby in any way, but the doctor wants me to take it easy, so I cut my hours but enough that I can still support myself. (I'm so grateful my husband knows my boss) I have recently sat down with my oldest daughter to find out how she feels. She is confused and I explained to her that I had made some decisions that had hurt dad and that we can't live together right now. She asked if it was forever, and I told her I didn't know at this time. Edited August 26, 2018 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 (edited) Advice: Yesterday my counsellor recommended I start attending SAA meetings. I found one that meets once a week in person in my area, but it's the day I have the kids, or there are weekly telemeetings which are done over the phone or over Skype. I've been told not to rely on my husband for anything, but I really want to try out the once a week in person. It'd be an hour, but would be selfish for me to even think to ask him to watch the kids for an hour and a half once a week? I'm genuinely trying to do be a better person. Edited August 27, 2018 by TheRainbow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Advice: Yesterday my counsellor recommended I start attending SAA meetings. I found one that meets once a week in person in my area, but it's the day I have the kids, or there are weekly telemeetings which are done over the phone or over Skype. I've been told not to rely on my husband for anything, but I really want to try out the once a week in person. It'd be an hour, but would be selfish for me to even think to ask him to watch the kids for an hour and a half once a week? I'm genuinely trying to do be a better person. I really don't think so... some may differ on this. But all you can do is ask, and you can if you want to tell him that it is "Group Therapy" if you don't want to go into details. All he could say is no. I would be interested in understanding what others thought... Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 Can you swap a day with him instead of asking him to watch the extra hours for you? Btw, you mentioned his mom and sister a few times, how about your parents and family? Are they in the picture? Do they visit to see their grandkids? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 I would swap days, to minimize the disruption/confusion for the kids. I'm sure he will accommodate, if it is for therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 I also feel he was the selfish one, not you. I can't believe what I just read Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 Can you swap a day with him instead of asking him to watch the extra hours for you? Btw, you mentioned his mom and sister a few times, how about your parents and family? Are they in the picture? Do they visit to see their grandkids? My mom saw the kids once a week before we moved. She is coming down for a visit in October and will be staying with me for a week. My dad lives an hour away, and he and my stepmom (not legally married but close enough) been down to see the kids a few times. I do talk to my mom almost every day online. I did finally tell her the truth about my daughter's paternity. She did say that while she is disappointed in the choices I've made, she is happy I'm at least trying to change. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 28, 2018 Author Share Posted August 28, 2018 My husband has contacted to have not invasive prenatal DNA testing done. Holy crap is it ever expensive, and it'll have to be out of pocket. Side note, we can find out the gender at the same time. So at least his doubt will be put to rest. I feel so shameful (fully deserved) for having to prove my baby's paternity, but it is because of my actions that it has to be done. I did talk to my husband about switching days. He was going to talk to me about putting our daughter into soccer which would run into my day, and it happens to be the day, and around the time I need for these meetings. So he can take her to her practice, and he can drop off, or I can pick them up after. It actually works out perfectly. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 My husband has contacted to have not invasive prenatal DNA testing done. Holy crap is it ever expensive, and it'll have to be out of pocket. As much dear mother used to tell us when we were younger, “When you play, you pay.” It seems very appropriate here... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 My husband has contacted to have not invasive prenatal DNA testing done. Holy crap is it ever expensive, and it'll have to be out of pocket. Side note, we can find out the gender at the same time. So at least his doubt will be put to rest. I feel so shameful (fully deserved) for having to prove my baby's paternity, but it is because of my actions that it has to be done. I did talk to my husband about switching days. He was going to talk to me about putting our daughter into soccer which would run into my day, and it happens to be the day, and around the time I need for these meetings. So he can take her to her practice, and he can drop off, or I can pick them up after. It actually works out perfectly. I thought he was just going to accept that the baby is his. What happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I thought he was just going to accept that the baby is his. What happened? What happened is he got good advice from another forum. He is getting a lot of good advice there. They may not know his wife as well as we do, but in some ways I believe it's for the best that way. He is getting hard truths and they are trying to get him to take charge of his life. It seems to be working. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 28, 2018 Author Share Posted August 28, 2018 I thought he was just going to accept that the baby is his. What happened? A few weeks ago he asked for a DNA test done on the baby. He found out there is a noninvasive prenatal test he can have done, that won't risk the baby. So that is what is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 What happened is he got good advice from another forum. He is getting a lot of good advice there. They may not know his wife as well as we do, but in some ways I believe it's for the best that way. He is getting hard truths and they are trying to get him to take charge of his life. It seems to be working. I am sure that it may help him... and while he was way to beta with @Rainbow, she actually does love him. That is what is so bad about this. I make no excuses for her, but she knows she has issues and is working on them. And while this marriage should probably be done, I am not sure that he is actually getting the advice that he should. I mean, hopefully he is getting the don't be a beta advice, but further understand of her actual issues, I doubt that. But he absolutely should ask for paternity in this situation, he would be a fool if he did not... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted August 28, 2018 Author Share Posted August 28, 2018 I always thought he'd wait until he baby is born because it's cheaper to get DNA testing done. When I asked him why now, versus then. He said that he doesn't want to go through the pregnancy with that doubt floating around. That it's memories he can't get back. So he just wants to get it over with. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 28, 2018 Share Posted August 28, 2018 I always thought he'd wait until he baby is born because it's cheaper to get DNA testing done. When I asked him why now, versus then. He said that he doesn't want to go through the pregnancy with that doubt floating around. That it's memories he can't get back. So he just wants to get it over with. That is actually... quite reasonable of him. I guess you understand why he feels that way. Link to post Share on other sites
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