I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[sandylee1]

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well Rainbow. I hope it's nothing serious.

 

I think moving in with him will lead to false hope on his side and you do need to explore your serial cheating.

 

I disagree with a previous post saying you should tell your MIL, but being honest....I would feel my son was a weak man to accept it.

 

I would equally think my daughter was weak if she stayed with a man who fathered a child during their marriage.

 

It has more to do with self respect for me. Although I have to say there are some cases I think it takes a lot of strength to do it too .. like where the OM is of a different ethnicity.

 

I just wouldn't want my son to take on parental responsibility.

 

I do think if you reconcile, you need to think about the impact of this secret on your daughter. It's unfair for her to suddenly find out when she's much older and some relatives know and others dont.

 

Much as your husband wants it kept quiet to save him from the shame/humiliation.... that won't likely be in the best interests of your daughter.

 

No matter how useless and horrible you tell her her biological father is....when she's old enough she may still want to find him. I know that's at least 18 years away.

 

I have to ask... you spent a while in your affair with the OM.. so he can't have been that bad. You obviously saw something in him.

[TheRainbow]

I'm 14 weeks today, so officially out of the 1st trimester.

[TheRainbow]

My mother in law messaged me on Facebook last night. We're still Facebook friends. Anyway, she messaged me all nice at first. Commented on some pictures I took of the baby were nice. I thanked her, keeping the conversation casual. Then she 'casually' mentioned how my husband went out for coffee with his friend and that 'friend' was his ex-girlfriend. I told her that was great that he was getting out of the house and hanging out with other people. I was feeling uncomfortable at this moment and told her I needed to go and wished her a good night.

 

That is when she got to her point. She asked me why my husband and I separated because she is not getting the full story from my husband. I told her we were having some marital issues and that the separation was mutual. This is what my husband told me to say. She tried to press further, and I said merely I appreciated her concern, but this is between my husband and me.

 

She then said, I had been a part of her family for a long time, and that if I had done something, or accidentally hurt her son in some way, it's okay to admit it because she wouldn't judge. But told her once again that we were working on our issues and thanks for her concern, and told her to have a good night.

 

Today I'm going to talk to him about what to do going forward because she is going to find out the truth. I think he should just tell her the truth about me. It'd go a lot smoother if he tells her. Because if she finds out any other way, it will be very very bad versus just bad. She'll hate me either way which is fine and what I deserve.

[Colin Grant]

I'm his wife and the source of all of this, but I even thought this. I told him I thought he needed to see a counsellor because I couldn't and still can't figure out why he lets me treat him so poorly. I do think if we didn't have children, he would have left me. He had broken up with a college girlfriend before we met, so I can't think of another reason why he'd want to stay with me. But I had stopped commenting about that because some were making it seem like I was blame shifting which is not what I was trying to do at all.

 

As for his actions toward the other man. It's no surprise. He is egoistic in that regard. If another man steps on his territory for any reason, he doesn't take kindly to it. When he first found out about the first affair, I do think he had a hand in getting the other man transferred. The second time when he didn't get the hint, in his mind this man was dangerous. It's like an ego thing. I could be off base, but I think he felt threatened and did what he had to do to keep the other man away.

 

That is just what I think.

 

SEE BOLD:

 

If I as a man was a physical abuser, your quote above is like me saying, I don't know why my wife lets me punch her in the face and physically abuse her so badly. In this case, my wife isn't the problem. I'm the problem. I'm the one that needs to find out why I abuse the woman I love. It's not that she's letting me. It's that I condone my own behaviors towards her and at the same time, expect her to do something to stop me NO!!!! That's now how it's supposed to work.

 

It's incumbent upon ME, not wonder why she stays and allows me to do so. That's not accepting responsibility. Plus, if one stayed, it's probably an indication of the degree of love the betrayed one is imparting upon the wayward. Love is an extremely elusive aspect of life, millions of people seek for daily, yet can't find it. Time to acknowledge,appreciate and reciprocate a gift many would die for.l

Edited September 11, 2018 by Colin Grant

[TheRainbow]

SEE BOLD:

 

If I as a man was a physical abuser, your quote above is like me saying, I don't know why my wife lets me punch her in the face and physically abuse her so badly. In this case, my wife isn't the problem. I'm the problem. I'm the one that needs to find out why I abuse the woman I love. It's not that she's letting me. It's that I condone my own behaviors towards her and at the same time, expect her to do something to stop me NO!!!! That's now how it's supposed to work.

 

It's incumbent upon ME, not wonder why she stays and allows me to do so. That's not accepting responsibility. Plus, if one stayed, it's probably an indication of the degree of love the betrayed one is imparting upon the wayward. Love is an extremely elusive aspect of life, millions of people seek for daily, yet can't find it. Time to acknowledge,appreciate and reciprocate a gift many would die for.l

 

I am 100% at fault and responsible for what I had done to him. I acknowledge and working through my issues. Like in the scenario you suggested about an abuser and an abused victim. If an abused victim stays and forgives, stays and forgives for so many years and then leaves. I do think they should seek some kind of counselling to find out why they stayed. It isn't blaming them, but help prevents the cycle from being repeated.

 

I know I went from one emotional/abusive relationship into a relationship with my husband and I never did deal with my issues, I rug swept and ignored that I was hurting on the inside. Only I dragged my husband into my madness and emotionally abused him. I had no business being in a relationship at that moment, but it happened and I'm dealing with it the best I can.

 

When I say he needs counselling, its not coming from a place of not taking responsibility, is my genuine concern for him. He loves me; there is no surprise there. But still doesn't change that he allowed me to abuse him. Whether we stay together or we divorce, it wouldn't be healthy to not do anything about it, otherwise, the cycle will continue to happen.

[TheRainbow]

My husband wants to talk and he wouldn't say about what over the phone, and I need to bring up a few things myself. So wish me luck. Meeting him at a cafe near my apartment.

[TheRainbow]

I just got home from talking with him. It's late, and I have to work tomorrow but will briefly update.

 

He pretty much told me he didn't want to be in limbo anymore. He said he was happy I was getting help, but that he wasn't going to sit back and wait forever for me to figure out what I wanted. He straight up asked me if I wanted to be married or if we should pave the road for the divorce. Because he said, it wasn't fair to him, to leave him guessing. That was the gist of the conversation there. We ended up talking a lot more about that. I did mention his mother's messages and told him he needs to tell her the truth before she finds out another way. He agreed once he moves into his new place this Saturday that he'll tell her because he can sit her down, and explain to her and hopefully shield our daughter form the truth. I do think overall we covered a lot of ground. I'll update more tomorrow.

[TheRainbow]

We got the DNA test results. As I already knew he's the father. He's happy. We are having a girl. He's happy. I'm feeling a little bit of gender disappointment. I have two girls and was hoping to give him a son. But all in all I'm happy to remove that doubt from his mind.

 

He also gave me an ultimatum. I was taken off guard. He told me he didn't want to be in limbo anymore and that I was either all in or he wanted to go through with the divorce. He went on to say that he while he loved me, wanted us to remain together he didn't want to be waiting in the background for me. He went out and laid out his plan, get the custody arrangement and spousal/child support legalized and we can both move on. At that moment I realized that was not what I wanted.

 

I told him I wanted to be with him and work on our marriage but that I was afraid. This is where the bulk of our conversation took place. He told me he was scared of the change too but was willing to go there if need be. He pretty much said he couldn't make me love him, or make me want to be with him. But that if I wanted to be with him, he'd stand by me, support me, but he wouldn't beg me to stay anymore. I told him that we can't go back to where we were, that he can't be a doormat (I didn't use that exact word) and that he can be compassionate and still be able to stand up for yourself.

 

All in all it was a good discussion. It was probably the most honest conversation we had about our marriage, about me, him, in a long long time.

 

After the weekend he's going to talk to his mother, and I'm going to prepare myself for the fallout. I'll take the consequences that are coming my way.

[oldlion]

A good decision. Maybe you have closed your hand before you let his love slip through your fingers. I really don't think you will be living with the same man you have come to know and lived with before. I do wish you well.

[BaileyB]

I would most definitely NOT tell your mother in law the reason why you separated. It is absolutely none of her business. The fact that she is pushing for information is inappropriate and disrespectful. If she wants to know more, she should ask your husband. She is his problem to deal with, and it is his decision whether he tells his mother anything...

 

I would not trust her at all.

[stillafool]

Why would you STBXH be in limbo? I thought you already made it clear to him that you wanted the divorce. Did I miss something?

[JuneL]

Why would you STBXH be in limbo? I thought you already made it clear to him that you wanted the divorce. Did I miss something?

 

This. I thought you’re having the formal/legal separation period, no?

 

OP: It doesn’t look like you’re nearly strong enough to make the changes you need.

[TheRainbow]

I don't trust my mother in law, which is why I told my husband it was time. She is digging. She is convinced, knows that I've been cheating and that the middle baby isn't his. I know how she is, I've been a part of her family and suffered many awkward dinners, and she doesn't let things go. The way she set up the conversation bringing up my daughter first, even though I had posted pictures of my older daughter as well, and she didn't comment on those, just the baby. She was trying to make me rattle. I'm just afraid she'll secretly DNA the child and find out that way, or something. My husband thinks if he talks to her, that the let down will be easier. She'll say something to me, hate me for the rest of the time which I'll just have to accept. But I can't imagine what would happen if she found out on her own. THat be the worst way for the older daughter to find out. Not to mention I do think his sister would seriously try to physically harm me as she is also suspicious. I'm not sure if my husband told his sister that I'm even pregnant yet.

 

As for limbo, and many people warned about it. I had sex wit him, I've been slipping and seriously second guessing my decision to divorce. Since the separation, I have been facing reality. It wasn't my husband I wanted to run from; it was myself. We had a great life, but it was my shame and seeing myself hurting him over and over again that ultimately did it. From the very beginning, I was jealous of every little thing he did, that would detach him from me. Then I started to really miss him. I felt emptier than I ever did before. While I was addressing my inferior, self-worth issues, my emotional state, and emotional intimacy took a beating. I ignored it and waited for the feeling to go away, but it didn't. I think I was slowly on my own heading toward wanting to get back together once I was in a better place. But then he approached me and pretty much said either you're all in or your not but he was finished waiting for me. At that moment I just didn't want to lose him.

 

We weren't legally separated. Legal separation isn't really a thing in our state. The custody arrangement and support issue we had was informal. Anyone of us could have changed the terms as the courts weren't involved yet. He said if divorce was the ultimate goal he wanted to get the custody and support in a temporary order, so it felt more real.

 

We're going to talk about this a bit more. I still have three and a half more months left on my lease. So I want to remain in it at least until the end of the term. He got a short-term lease on his new place, as he had great credit, and didn't take the first place that came up.

Edited September 13, 2018 by TheRainbow

[seren]

Rainbow, what a journey you have both been on. My H had an affair 10 years ago, we had been together over 30 years. I am telling you this as I want to assure you that if you are both committed to making your marriage work, it can happen, it can work and in some respects, it can be better despite the A's. But, it takes a lot of hard slog from you both, forgiveness is more than just words and remorse means actions always speak louder than mere words.

 

Our marriage is very different than it was, we both communicate a lot better, we don't take each other's love for granted. I had many, many people telling me I shouldn't take him back, but, I weighed things up, what worked best for me and being with my H was the only way. Maybe you will need counselling, we didn't, but I do think you need to work on yourself and your self esteem issues. My H has IC with Combat Stress and it helps him and ultimately us too.

 

I didn't tell my in laws, none of their business, it is between you and your H. Maybe he needs to tell her to mind her own business (in a different way perhaps) and that what your daughters are told is down to you and your H and if she persists in saying bad things, then she doesn't get to see them. yes, I would be that brutal.

 

I hope it all goes well in the long term for you both, don't underestimate how hard this will be, but I hope you can take some positive thinking from knowing that an A doesn't always have to be the end. I wish you both the very best xx

[stillafool]

Oh I see now we're back to you and everything that is best for you. Good luck.

[TheRainbow]

Oh I see now we're back to you and everything that is best for you. Good luck.

 

I don't get how if it's mutually wanted.

[JuneL]

OP: Has your counselor or the sex addiction group taught you healthy ways to cope with your intimacy emptiness, instead of cringing to the next men physically available to you like what you’ve been doing in the past?

[TheRainbow]

OP: Has your counsellor or the sex addiction group taught you healthy ways to cope with your intimacy emptiness, instead of cringing to the next men physically available to you like what you’ve been doing in the past?

 

It's a work in progress. I've made positive steps, but I didn't get this way overnight so won't change overnight either. I miss my husband. I didn't think I would, but I do. Not what he brought to the relationship such as stability, but him as a person.

 

As for my self-worth issues, I'm working on those. I made sure I'm working a meaningful job. My husband wanted me to be a stay at home mother, but I wanted to financially be able to support myself, my children and be able to give something to the relationship. Since my affair started while I was working, I made a change so that temptation was eliminated. I'm a personal executive assistant to a woman. Which has been good? SHe is nice, and we get along well, and she is very upbeat which is great to be around.

[JuneL]

You don’t miss your husband per se, but you miss the “intimacy emptiness” you described (whatever that means). Say you get back with your husband, you’ll feel this emptiness after a while for whatever reasons like in the past, then you’ll cringe to the next man showing you attention. Right now, your husband is playing the role of your affair partners in the past.

 

It's a work in progress. I've made positive steps, but I didn't get this way overnight so won't change overnight either. I miss my husband. I didn't think I would, but I do. Not what he brought to the relationship such as stability, but him as a person.

 

As for my self-worth issues, I'm working on those. I made sure I'm working a meaningful job. My husband wanted me to be a stay at home mother, but I wanted to financially be able to support myself, my children and be able to give something to the relationship. Since my affair started while I was working, I made a change so that temptation was eliminated. I'm a personal executive assistant to a woman. Which has been good? SHe is nice, and we get along well, and she is very upbeat which is great to be around.

[BettyDraper]

TheRainbow, I don't think that this reconciliation is going to lead to lasting change.

Based on your history, my impression is that you will go back to your old patterns as soon as you are able to have sex after the birth of your daughter.

 

I believe this because you are still focusing on yourself and your own comfort. You are also indirectly blaming your husband for your actions by telling him that he can't be a doormat. Even if he grows a backbone, he will slip up at times and then you use those slip ups as an excuse to cheat.

[JuneL]

To add, I think it’s good that you’ve chosen a female counselor and that you’re working for a woman. But ultimately you have to exercise self control; you can’t just ask what’s wrong with having sex with the next guy who shows you attention if the attraction is mutual.

 

Any woman before turning elderly who is not particularly sloppy gets hit on often. You’ll see the dads of other kids when you take your daughters to school, and their male teachers, to give just an example.

Edited September 13, 2018 by JuneL

[TheRainbow]

People are skeptical; I get it. Strangers on the internet, deep down my family, friends, they all probably think I'm not capable of changing. My husband seems to be the only one who thinks this. I'm trying to believe I have self-worth, to love myself enough then to whore myself out.

 

I believe there is a huge difference between emotional intimacy and needing men to validate my self-worth. I have sex with my husband; I feel happy, I feel satisfied, loved etc. Then I go to work (using my old job as an example because my new job, my immediate boss is a woman) and my boss is a male, he is arrogant, cocky, and confident. I feel inferior. I feel like I'm not good enough. My former boss, my affair partner, recommends me for further training. Then turns around and tells me I wouldn't have gotten that raise, that promotion if it were for him. I feel the need to validate him. Then I get caught, I feel shame, anger, and I self-sabotage. I push away the one person who gives a **** about me. We makeup, things are good, we love each other, and all the issues are still there because I hadn't dealt with it.

 

Now I'm in counselling. I'm being forced to look at myself, and get down to the root of my low self-worth. The second session I had with this counsellor, she told me to look at myself in the mirror every morning and then every evening and tell myself I'm worth it. I'm worthy of love, and I'm worthy of respect. At first, I thought that was dumb, but I did it. Every morning and every evening these past few months, I say it. It does feel uplifting.

 

I do think it's a good thing that I'm working closely with a woman. Living apart, also have given me confidence that I can take care of myself.

 

From the outside, a lot of what I talk about seems like I'm talking about me. But if I don't fix myself, don't get to the root of my issues, then how can I be a healthy person for anyone. I really want my husband, my children to see me at my best.

[TheRainbow]

. But ultimately you have to exercise self control; you can’t just ask what’s wrong with having sex with the next guy who shows you attention if the attraction is mutual.

 

I wanted to comment. There has been a lot of men over the years that have flirted or shown attraction to me. I have worked with primarily men my entire adult life. But seems to be a certain kind of man, that I unhealthily attract too.

[JuneL]

I don’t think self-worth is your real issue here. If anyone, your husband should be the one to look at the mirror and tell himself that he and his kids deserve more.

 

Do you know how a less entitled person would react to your boss comment? She would work much harder at her job to prove him wrong and prove that her promotion was well deserved. Instead, you took the short cut and used your sexual appeal.

 

Sorry for posting so much in your thread. Guess I’ll stop here. Good luck!

 

People are skeptical; I get it. Strangers on the internet, deep down my family, friends, they all probably think I'm not capable of changing. My husband seems to be the only one who thinks this. I'm trying to believe I have self-worth, to love myself enough then to whore myself out.

 

I believe there is a huge difference between emotional intimacy and needing men to validate my self-worth. I have sex with my husband; I feel happy, I feel satisfied, loved etc. Then I go to work (using my old job as an example because my new job, my immediate boss is a woman) and my boss is a male, he is arrogant, cocky, and confident. I feel inferior. I feel like I'm not good enough. My former boss, my affair partner, recommends me for further training. Then turns around and tells me I wouldn't have gotten that raise, that promotion if it were for him. I feel the need to validate him. Then I get caught, I feel shame, anger, and I self-sabotage. I push away the one person who gives a **** about me. We makeup, things are good, we love each other, and all the issues are still there because I hadn't dealt with it.

 

Now I'm in counselling. I'm being forced to look at myself, and get down to the root of my low self-worth. The second session I had with this counsellor, she told me to look at myself in the mirror every morning and then every evening and tell myself I'm worth it. I'm worthy of love, and I'm worthy of respect. At first, I thought that was dumb, but I did it. Every morning and every evening these past few months, I say it. It does feel uplifting.

 

I do think it's a good thing that I'm working closely with a woman. Living apart, also have given me confidence that I can take care of myself.

 

From the outside, a lot of what I talk about seems like I'm talking about me. But if I don't fix myself, don't get to the root of my issues, then how can I be a healthy person for anyone. I really want my husband, my children to see me at my best.

[TheRainbow]

I don’t think self-worth is your real issue here. If anyone, your husband should be the one to look at the mirror and tell himself that he and his kids deserve more.

 

Do you know how a less entitled person would react to your boss comment? She would work much harder at her job to prove him wrong and prove that her promotion was well deserved. Instead, you took the short cut and used your sexual appeal.

 

Sorry for posting so much in your thread. Guess I’ll stop here. Good luck!

 

I got to hear the truth or the perspective and how others perceive me.