I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[Adotta]

He HAS stated and I believe it IS true that he loves the oldest no matter what......, but he has also somewhat shown that he is not 100 percent confident that the oldest is actually his. He hasn't stated it exactly, but I would say he is 90 percent sure..... That 10 percent is a real bitch to have rattling around in your head though.... So AGAIN please don't blame him if he DOES want a test.

 

 

 

An excuse to your daughter (if that's what you want to do) could be looking up family history or medical stuff. Look it up. There are many excuses. Hell you could just do it in her sleep. Let her stay up late and get dead tired send her to bed and get the cheek swab during her deep sleep hours.

 

 

Honestly your making mistakes(sleeping with him is a big one), but I'm happy to see you improving. Standing firm. Making choices in the open instead of behind your family's back. Finding your whys and working on yourself. Reaching out for help. What I can assume is a whole lot of introspection. All these things are a recipe for success. Keep it up. Rome wasn't built in a day. Even after divorcing your husband keep it up. These steps will allow you to enter new relationships much more "feet on the ground" and clear headed and capable of being a proper mate and partner for someone else. It's a shame your husband will never get to experience that with you and I know he wishes for it, but we don't always get what we want do we?

 

 

I have to admit that I initially saw you as a vapid, narcissistic, and vain person. Im sorry for that. No longer. I see you how i see most people. Damaged and trying to do better. I am rooting for you.

[misspalmy]

if you really love if you need to leave and file divore.

[TheRainbow]

I have to admit that I initially saw you as a vapid, narcissistic, and vain person. Im sorry for that. No longer. I see you how i see most people. Damaged and trying to do better. I am rooting for you.

 

Thanks. Many won't believe it, but I am utterly ashamed of myself. I hate that I put my kids into this situation, and I hate that I had made him have any doubts period. The DNA test will have to wait until the baby is born. The in-vitro DNA tests are too risky and I know he wouldn't risk it before then. But I'll give it to him. If he wants to test the older one, I guess I can figure out some way without her finding out.

 

In the meantime, we'll remind separated, but in the meantime, we should start talking logistics so we can divorce as soon as possible and not drag out the inevitable.

[Adotta]

As soon as possible.......

 

 

Just understand to him it is all happening so fast. His idea of what the rest of his life would look like has drasticly changed in a relatively short time.

 

 

 

Just make sure you do it right and in a way that leaves your stbxh not spinning and confused and more hurt. What is an extra month or two to work out the finer details? Your not running FROM your husband are you? Tie up loose ends behind you properly so that you can properly co patent with him.

 

 

 

Both of your attitudes going foward will affect copparenting going foward. You will need to interact and cooperate with him for 2 decades and even separated two co parents can easily make each others lives hell. Even if you are not lovers he will forever be a partner as a parent. More importantly it's for the kids. Don't rush this. Don't THROW your husband away. Separate. There is a difference in my head. Your husband is coming around he just needs more time to understand. Your children need to see you cooperating as parents. They can live without you two being lovers. But they still need a unified front on parenting.

 

 

 

My parents hated each other. Every interactions dripped sarcasm, venom, threats. It made my life hell. Every point of contention from child support to scheduled visitation and all the minutia of the process got blown up every single time. Nothing could be agreed upon. I couldn't get my feet under me. I was torn between loving two parents who hated each other. Two parents who at times seemed more interested in winning than be good parents. My parents faught tooth and nail and me and my twin brother suffered for it. Cops where involved many times. Screaming in the middle of neighborhood. Fights. Chaos. Absolute chaos.

 

 

 

I had a lot of trouble understanding none if it was my fault and that I couldn't do anything to make it better. Their antagonism confused and scared the **** out of me. I felt torn between them. it didn't help that my parents somewhat planted my brother and me down right in the middle of everything. I was there for every little fight. I still remember a good deal of the awful things said. I still remember my mother looking over and asking me to take her side in issues I barely understood.

 

 

 

I know that isn't your relationship with your husband. But after the initial chaotic years things cooled down and it became like a cold war. No talking to each other. No cooperation. It was "stick to the schedule and don't speak to me" sort of thing. We had to different parenting styles. Two different worlds really. It was hard to juggle for a child.

 

 

 

Don't let your kids feel any more tension and chaos than they need to / already have. Even the small stuff and the underlying tension was enough to make me uneasy and unsteady.

 

 

 

Your husband actually said you're great mother so I have confidence you can achieve a good divorce without turning your children's world upside down. Your somewhat lucky two of them won't remember a thing really.

 

 

 

I guess I'm really just being overly worried though. Your husband and you seem like better parents than my parents ever were despite your flaws.

[TheRainbow]

I'm not throwing him away. If anything I'm trying to detach from him. 13 years despite my on and off cheating, doesn't mean it's hard to forget about him. We had great times, but it's time to let go. I really want to get a temporary custody order in place at least because some stability is needed.

 

As for co-parenting, if it's anything like we parented together, I'm confident we will still do good by our children. We always backed each other up in front of the kids even if we didn't agree about things. We all ways agreed we would be on the same page so they couldn't work against us. I know in two separate households we will have different rules, but I"m also confident that we will be able to communicate, and keep a stable front.

Edited August 11, 2018 by TheRainbow

[Sweetfish]

I'm not throwing him away. If anything I'm trying to detach from him. 13 years despite my on and off cheating, doesn't mean it's hard to forget about him. We had great times, but it's time to let go. I really want to get a temporary custody order in place at least because some stability is needed.

 

As for co-parenting, if it's anything like we parented together, I'm confident we will still do good by our children. We always backed each other up in front of the kids even if we didn't agree about things. We all ways agreed we would be on the same page so they couldn't work against us. I know in two separate households we will have different rules, but I"m also confident that we will be able to communicate, and keep a stable front.

 

 

if he finds a new women... just watch what happens. seen this a million times.

[nittygritty]

I'm not throwing him away. If anything I'm trying to detach from him. 13 years despite my on and off cheating, doesn't mean it's hard to forget about him. We had great times, but it's time to let go. I really want to get a temporary custody order in place at least because some stability is needed.

 

As for co-parenting, if it's anything like we parented together, I'm confident we will still do good by our children. We always backed each other up in front of the kids even if we didn't agree about things. We all ways agreed we would be on the same page so they couldn't work against us. I know in two separate households we will have different rules, but I"m also confident that we will be able to communicate, and keep a stable front.

 

You need to talk to an attorney and find out what the laws are where you live. Many states will not grant a divorce during pregnancy until after baby is born and paternity is established.

[DKT3]

if he finds a new women... just watch what happens. seen this a million times.

 

I agree. Have a friend who was married to a woman who didn't respect him, treated him poorly. No infidelity but a bad relationship. With divorce he was agreeable to most demands she made. Then he met a woman, a woman who started to tell him things that we told him, but for what ever reason she sparked something in him. One friend said it was a backbone. At any rate, everything with the ex wife changed, he became much more forceful with her, demanded more and accepted less. The ex went psycho, did all kinds of underhanded stuff, even attempted to drive a wedge into the new relationship using the kids.

 

I think OP feels a sense of power because she is in control of the fate of this relationship. However, her husband appears to be reaching a level of comfort with the marriage ending. That calm will be a changing point and a power shift.

[TheRainbow]

I

I think OP feels a sense of power because she is in control of the fate of this relationship. However, her husband appears to be reaching a level of comfort with the marriage ending. That calm will be a changing point and a power shift.

 

I feel a sense of relief. I do agree he is coming around and accepting that our marriage is coming to an end. He is starting to talk less and less about what could be. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not a bit afraid of him meeting someone and turning on the baby that isn't his. He loves her, but another woman, assuming he tells her the truth could convince him not to support the baby even though he at this point wants her. I guess time will tell.

[Adotta]

I feel a sense of relief. I do agree he is coming around and accepting that our marriage is coming to an end. He is starting to talk less and less about what could be. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not a bit afraid of him meeting someone and turning on the baby that isn't his. He loves her, but another woman, assuming he tells her the truth could convince him not to support the baby even though he at this point wants her. I guess time will tell.

 

 

 

 

It would lower my already high opinion of your stbxh's morals if he abandons this child, but (I'm saying this a lot on your thread) I wouldn't blame him. How would YOU enjoy raising another woman's baby?

 

 

Love it as much as you want. You will ALWAYS know it isn't yours. Every time he sees your daughter he is reminded. He gets a little mind porno of you and your AP of what he guessed conceiving that little girl looked like.

 

 

 

Could you blame a man for not wanting to be around that kind of trigger?

 

 

But he didn't leave her. And that tells me what I need to know about him. He is one of the true men in life. Yeah they are the ones that usually get **** on in life. They sacrifice for others. Again and again. If other people where not such colossal psycho dicks to each other this type of man would rule the world. But sadly men like this are a dying breed as everyone see men like this as sad saps or targets to be struck these day.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Rainbow,

 

It might be many years down the road, but you are going to regret all you have done to your husband. You, one day will come to the conclusion that you traded in a good man for the garbage that is in your life. I hope the best for your husband!!!!

 

Dreamer

[TheRainbow]

Dear Rainbow,

 

It might be many years down the road, but you are going to regret all you have done to your husband. You, one day will come to the conclusion that you traded in a good man for the garbage that is in your life. I hope the best for your husband!!!!

 

Dreamer

 

This doesn't make me feel any better. I'm not looking for what's greener on the other side because I don't think there is necessarily something out the better. On the surface, he is a good man, but I can't stay with him. I can't keep ****ting all over him. So this isn't me trading in anything, it's me letting him free.

[DKT3]

This doesn't make me feel any better. I'm not looking for what's greener on the other side because I don't think there is necessarily something out the better. On the surface, he is a good man, but I can't stay with him. I can't keep ****ting all over him. So this isn't me trading in anything, it's me letting him free.

 

You keep saying this, but I think we all know its BS. This is just my opinion, but I believe your main motivation is so you can mess around with other men. I believe that you think after the divorce that your relationship with your husband will remain the same in the sense that you will still get from him what you need from him (ie parenting other men children) while being single and sexing up a bunch of random dudes.

[TheRainbow]

You keep saying this, but I think we all know its BS. This is just my opinion, but I believe your main motivation is so you can mess around with other men. I believe that you think after the divorce that your relationship with your husband will remain the same in the sense that you will still get from him what you need from him (ie parenting other men children) while being single and sexing up a bunch of random dudes.

 

I haven't slept with any other man except my husband since I got rid of the other man. If that were my real motivation, I'd be out sleeping with other men without a care in the world. Heck, I could keep cheating, and eat my cake too which essentially I had for ten years, but I'm choosing for it to be enough. Finding out my daughter wasn't my husband was enough to convince me I can't live this way finally. I don't want to keep living this way. Being a whore, which is the definition of what I'm doing doesn't make me happy. It's filling some empty void. It's up to me to find out what is lacking from my life, and to figure out why I can't have healthy boundaries, and to be happy without the need of men.

[BluesPower]

Dear Rainbow,

 

It might be many years down the road, but you are going to regret all you have done to your husband. You, one day will come to the conclusion that you traded in a good man for the garbage that is in your life. I hope the best for your husband!!!!

 

Dreamer

 

You keep saying this, but I think we all know its BS. This is just my opinion, but I believe your main motivation is so you can mess around with other men. I believe that you think after the divorce that your relationship with your husband will remain the same in the sense that you will still get from him what you need from him (ie parenting other men children) while being single and sexing up a bunch of random dudes.

 

Guys... listen, I know that the things that OP has done are horrible. Just really horrible.

 

But, on the other hand, she knows this. She knows that she has some huge issues that she needs to fix. She has committed to fixing them.

 

Now her husband is a "Nice" guy, which in their relationship should read as BETA. Like a lot of men he made the cardinal mistake of relationships.

 

But of course she lost respect for him, most every women does. And with her issues, yeah she screwed him over.

 

Now, she is trying to divorce him IN ORDER to set him free, and he seems from what we hear to be understanding his mistakes with her.

 

So while I don't excuse any of her behavior in any way, she understands what she has done and that she has issues. And she does need to set him free so that he can rebuild himself and hopefully become a stronger man.

 

We can only hope that she gets counseling for her issue and learn to become a safe partner for someone, and that she might get over the bad boy thing that she has, but dogging her out seems unnecessary to me...

 

Do you guys think that we should continue to encourage her to get her life straight???

[DKT3]

Guys... listen, I know that the things that OP has done are horrible. Just really horrible.

 

But, on the other hand, she knows this. She knows that she has some huge issues that she needs to fix. She has committed to fixing them.

 

Now her husband is a "Nice" guy, which in their relationship should read as BETA. Like a lot of men he made the cardinal mistake of relationships.

 

But of course she lost respect for him, most every women does. And with her issues, yeah she screwed him over.

 

Now, she is trying to divorce him IN ORDER to set him free, and he seems from what we hear to be understanding his mistakes with her.

 

So while I don't excuse any of her behavior in any way, she understands what she has done and that she has issues. And she does need to set him free so that he can rebuild himself and hopefully become a stronger man.

 

We can only hope that she gets counseling for her issue and learn to become a safe partner for someone, and that she might get over the bad boy thing that she has, but dogging her out seems unnecessary to me...

 

Do you guys think that we should continue to encourage her to get her life straight???

My point is, I dont think she is being honest with the motivation. why? Because she has always been a crappy wife who didnt respect her husband. I believe she thinks her husband is her problem. She has as much as said that, so by extension divorce will make her a better person. It won't work that way. I'm guessing she will soon realize this and she will then attempt to "go back".

 

I'm not saying she should stay, I absolutely think her husband deserves better and would be very foolish to even consider any kind of relationship with her beyond communicating about the kids should he ultimately decide to stay involved if any are his. My point is she needs to get honest about what the real issue is, her, not her husband, not her joke of a marriage. Those things will be gone soon and I think reality is about to serve up a very distasteful meal that she is unprepared for.

[Dreamer2017]

I'm in total agreeance with DKT3!

[TheRainbow]

My point is she needs to get honest about what the real issue is, her, not her husband, not her joke of a marriage. Those things will be gone soon and I think reality is about to serve up a very distasteful meal that she is unprepared for.

 

 

I am honest with I know that I am the problem. I have been manipulative, and selfish during my entire relationship/marriage with him. I am not naive to think things aren't going to change. I made this change because neither my husband or I can keep living like this. I think he is starting to come to terms with the end of our marriage. I know he'll realize it was for the best.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Rainbow,

 

Why couldn't you try counseling/therapy while in the marriage before you decided to divorce? We all agree you have very deep/dark issues you need to uncover before you can become whole. Your husband has and still trying to give you room to heal and stay in the marriage. You will never find a man that is that loving and forgiving.

[BaileyB]

You will soon share two children with this man, and he is prepared to raise your third child as him own despite a most heinous betrayal. Sincerely, for the sake of your children and your husband who for whatever unknown reason seems to think that you are worthy of his love and devotion... I wish that you were able to offer him your love and loyalty to keep your family together.

 

However, in the absence of that - if you are truly not capable of giving this man your love and your loyalty - then you are best to divorce him. He may not feel this way now, but he is a good man who is worthy of finding a partner who will give him the love and respect he deserves.

[Dreamer2017]

Well said BaileyB!!!

[BluesPower]

Dear Rainbow,

 

Why couldn't you try counseling/therapy while in the marriage before you decided to divorce? We all agree you have very deep/dark issues you need to uncover before you can become whole. Your husband has and still trying to give you room to heal and stay in the marriage. You will never find a man that is that loving and forgiving.

 

You will soon share two children with this man, and he is prepared to raise your third child as him own despite a most heinous betrayal. Sincerely, for the sake of your children and your husband who for whatever unknown reason seems to think that you are worthy of his love and devotion... I wish that you were able to offer him your love and loyalty to keep your family together.

 

However, in the absence of that - if you are truly not capable of giving this man your love and your loyalty - then you are best to divorce him. He may not feel this way now, but he is a good man who is worthy of finding a partner who will give him the love and respect he deserves.

 

Not trying to be argumentative... with anyone here, but...

 

Don't you guys think that we should look at the whole picture about this marriage.

 

1) Ok, she has issues, but so does her husband.

 

2) His behavior is just way too weak for most women, esp a women like OP. It always sounds great to have a "Nice" guy at first, but for most women it gets old fast.

 

3) OP's husband, really needs to learn to be a STONG man is he is to have any success in further relationships. He is just too weak right now.

 

4) I don't think OP would ever respect her H no matter what, which would lead to disaster down the road.

 

So IMHO, it is best for this marriage to end and let EVERYONE work on their issues and maybe get into much more healthier relationships later.

 

See if this example helps: I was a pretty bad boy at one time. Not horrible, but you know, not good.

 

Now I am reformed and more mature and I am a really great guy, well adjusted, wiser, treat my GF's really well.

 

And now I am in a super great relationship. Now my GF, is just the best woman in the world, hands down. But, even she will test me at times.

 

She will pop off if she is stressed or whatever. And then the BB comes out, and I usually don't really have to say much, but she gets the picture.

 

THAT part of me is what she is attracted to, the hard a$$ that will not put up with foolishness. She likes the nice kind me, that pampers her, but she screws the bad boy.

 

Reasonable???

[Adotta]

Yeah I'm with others. You keep saying you're the problem but keep showing actions as if HE is the problem. He IS willing and able to wait and work through these issues with you. He is willing to work on it, but you would rather run.

 

 

If you can't respect your husband say it. If you don't find him attractive or feel an emotional bond like that with him then say it. If you just can't see yourself being faithful say it. Don't act as if you are doing it for him because his wish is his family together, not split.

 

 

Why does your journey of self repair HAVE to be on your own? You keep saying what a great guy he is. So what you think him losing his family is a win for him? It's not. If your incapable of being a good wife fine own it. If you simply can't sit across from him out of shame admit it.

 

 

 

Now I'm not saying your lying. I'm not saying I'm right. Just wondering why? Like really WHY? what is the rush to divorce? Seems to me a mix of shame, lack of attraction emotionally for hubby, and a realization that you simply don't like fidelity and you arechoosing to not hurt him anymore. Some good reasons mixed in with some messy reasons.

 

 

 

Whatever the reason the ones you give now seem lackluster. I know a lot of people jumped on to your posts screaming let him free (me included), but that changed when people realized you're not a garbage person. I think a lot of people would like to see you two work it out. God knows your husband has massive quantities of forgiveness. If you could just work out your end of the deal you two could Work!

 

 

Although it is all your choice in the end, and looking at it objectively divorce would probably be easier..... though more empty.

[Dreamer2017]

BluesPower,

 

We all have our point of view and will give our own personal assessment and recommendation to help the original poster. IT IS NOT UP TO YOU to govern what we say. Stay with your personal assessment and recommendations.

[BluesPower]

BluesPower,

 

We all have our point of view and will give our own personal assessment and recommendation to help the original poster. IT IS NOT UP TO YOU to govern what we say. Stay with your personal assessment and recommendations.

 

Hey... I am responding to the general direction of the thread like people on LS do all of the time.

 

I am giving my opinion about the situation and what might work. And if I think an OP is getting bashed for no reason, that is unhelpful I will say that too.

 

I told no one what to say, nor did I report any posts because we are all just talking and giving our opinion.

 

Who are YOU to tell me what to do? That is out of line...