I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

[Colin Grant]

My 10-year-old is my husband's child.

my now 7 months old is my ex-affair partners' biological child

I'm pregnant with my husband's child, pending a DNA test my husband requested which will show he is the father.

Thank you for clarifying. How did your husband react when finding out your 2nd child was fathered by the lover and what are your plans if the 3rd is the lovers? Will you be in his presence when the results are in?

 

Regardless how confident you are in who the father is, you may want to give strong consideration on what you can do to help him should he not be the father. Just think about what you can do to help him. The fact that he is in a situation whereby 2/3 of your children may not be his has altered his emotional state for life, so please prioritize his welfare so that he can be comforted.

 

Lastly, in all of your posts I don't recall anything that suggests you wish to live a life of integrity and honor. I've only read of why you do not want to your husband. You can not want him, yet still live a life of integrity and respect for your spouse. Anyone can do this. It requires no special talent. It's something you have 100% control over. My libido is embarrassingly high. I know no one else like me. I'm older, but I'm 100% sure I cannot be worn out by my wife or anyone, however I've remained true to her. She's overweight and I'm not happy with this, but I will remain faithful. You too can be faithful.

[TheRainbow]

Thank you for clarifying. How did your husband react when finding out your 2nd child was fathered by the lover and what are your plans if the 3rd is the lovers? Will you be in his presence when the results are in?

 

Regardless how confident you are in who the father is, you may want to give strong consideration on what you can do to help him should he not be the father. Just think about what you can do to help him. The fact that he is in a situation whereby 2/3 of your children may not be his has altered his emotional state for life, so please prioritize his welfare so that he can be comforted.

 

Lastly, in all of your posts I don't recall anything that suggests you wish to live a life of integrity and honor. I've only read of why you do not want to your husband. You can not want him, yet still live a life of integrity and respect for your spouse. Anyone can do this. It requires no special talent. It's something you have 100% control over. My libido is embarrassingly high. I know no one else like me. I'm older, but I'm 100% sure I cannot be worn out by my wife or anyone, however I've remained true to her. She's overweight and I'm not happy with this, but I will remain faithful. You too can be faithful.

 

My husband was upset but wanted to still be there for her. We're separated currently. As for the unborn baby, he/she is 100% without a doubt is my husband's. I just need to prove it to him. The ex-affair partner is out of the picture, I blocked him and had no desire to maintain any kind of contact.

 

Also, it's clear you haven't read the forum closely. I have made it crystal clear I don't want to keep living like this. I have gotten myself into counselling and starting SAA meetings.

Edited August 30, 2018 by TheRainbow

[Colin Grant]

My husband was upset but wanted to still be there for her. We're separated currently. As for the unborn baby, he/she is 100% without a doubt is my husband's. I just need to prove it to him. The ex-affair partner is out of the picture, I blocked him and had no desire to maintain any kind of contact.

 

Also, it's clear you haven't read the forum closely. I have made it crystal clear I don't want to keep living like this. I have gotten myself into counselling and starting SAA meetings.

You're right and my apologies. I was following the story, but got frustrated at the disrespect you had for a loving soul of a husband and missed a few posts. This world needs more loving souls as there would be no need to even have infidelity sites. I am happy you choose and value to live a different life. If you do so successfully, will you reward your husband with the new you? He deserves it.

[TheRainbow]

I'm heading to get the Prenatal DNA test done. Today is the day, and I'm nervous. Not because I'm worried about the results but because it's going to be a long 2 weeks to get the results. I'll be glad when it's all over with

[merrmeade]

After thinking about your situation and all the changes that have happened, I'm going to say something controversial: I don't think it's so bad to recommit to your marriage for practical reasons such as giving your children a better life - as long as you will get help for your problem. I know you're trying to live a more honest life and you should. I also think that whatever you feel for your husband can grow and deepen. I think it's okay to stay together even if you think you're not "in love" with him. There are all kinds of love.

 

Only consider staying with him, however, if you're ready to commit to commitment and think of it as essential for the unity and integrity of your family.

[sandylee1]

You mentioned your MIL potentially being suspicious about your second daughter not being your husband's....

 

You know it would be easy for her (or your SIL) to do a paternity test (on both gjrls) without your husband even knowing.

 

It doesn't have to be a cheek swab.

 

I'd do it if I was them. I wouldn't want to bond with a child that wasn't my son's. It's deceiving them that your daughter is their grandchild and niece.

 

This isn't just about your daughter and who her dad is...It involves others too.

 

Be prepared for them to stop seeing your 2nd child altogether.

[TheRainbow]

You mentioned your MIL potentially being suspicious about your second daughter not being your husband's....

 

You know it would be easy for her (or your SIL) to do a paternity test (on both gjrls) without your husband even knowing.

 

It doesn't have to be a cheek swab.

 

I'd do it if I was them. I wouldn't want to bond with a child that wasn't my son's. It's deceiving them that your daughter is their grandchild and niece.

 

This isn't just about your daughter and who her dad is...It involves others too.

 

Be prepared for them to stop seeing your 2nd child altogether.

 

We had talked about that very thing. I asked him what he do the day they find out it figure out the truth. He has always been the one who made it clear that he wouldn't tolerate favorism and he said it wouldn't change. Everyone knows it.

[anika99]

You mentioned your MIL potentially being suspicious about your second daughter not being your husband's....

 

You know it would be easy for her (or your SIL) to do a paternity test (on both gjrls) without your husband even knowing.

 

It doesn't have to be a cheek swab.

 

I'd do it if I was them. I wouldn't want to bond with a child that wasn't my son's. It's deceiving them that your daughter is their grandchild and niece.

 

This isn't just about your daughter and who her dad is...It involves others too.

 

Be prepared for them to stop seeing your 2nd child altogether.

 

My son is married with 3 children. If I found out the middle kid wasn't his biological child it wouldn't make one iota of difference to me. I would love her and treat her the same.

[JuneL]

My son is married with 3 children. If I found out the middle kid wasn't his biological child it wouldn't make one iota of difference to me. I would love her and treat her the same.

 

This would be the case for most people, in principle. But if you know his wife has been cheating on your son longer than their marriage with multiple people and tried to pass for an affair baby as his, wouldn’t you be extremely upset? Sure, it’s not the baby’s fault, at all. But she’s going to constantly remind you of how cruel her mother has treated your son. Personally, I wouldn’t judge the father or the grandmother if they decide it’s not their responsibility to raise the affair baby.

[marky00]

This would be the case for most people, in principle. But if you know his wife has been cheating on your son longer than their marriage with multiple people and tried to pass for an affair baby as his, wouldn’t you be extremely upset? Sure, it’s not the baby’s fault, at all. But she’s going to constantly remind you of how cruel her mother has treated your son. Personally, I wouldn’t judge the father or the grandmother if they decide it’s not their responsibility to raise the affair baby.

 

Being "upset" is fine but taking it out on a small child is just wrong. If the husband/son can get past it and treat all 3 as equals, then so should the MIL. Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Also, i don't recall the OP trying to trick anyone about the 2nd child. For quite a while she was unsure whose child it was until she had the DNA test. All this was going on during her being caught having the affair. To me it sounded like she told her husband in "reasonable time" that the child was not his.

[BaileyB]

But if you know his wife has been cheating on your son longer than their marriage with multiple people and tried to pass for an affair baby as his, wouldn’t you be extremely upset? .

 

It wouldn't change how I feel about the child, in any way... But, it would most certainly change the way I viewed the mother.

[TheRainbow]

So... My husband told me he had lied to me. I posted an awhile back about how he said he had a one night stand with a stripper. He finally said he didn't, and just wanted to see how I'd react, and for me to feel bad. I asked him why he told me now. He said that he didn't like to lie and needed to come clean.

 

The above is not the point of my post here. I never posted in depth about my reaction back when he told me about the one night stand. I agree I didn't have any right to be mad since I was sleeping around. But I had a true internal reaction to it. It reminded me back to my first day of stripping. That first day I never felt so low in all my life.

 

I felt like the only thing I could offer people was my body. Someone threw me a twenty, and I gave them a lap dance. They threw me a fifty, and there was the expectation that they owned me in a sense. I felt like an object. It's easy to say that I must have liked the attention or I wouldn't have kept going back.

 

Sure the money was good. Even on a slow night, I'd leave with at least 100.00. But during that time I stripped, I was with an ex, which I thought I loved. I gave him all my money, and he would fill my mind with how beautiful I was, and how much money I could make. He in a sense brained washed me to think this was all I had to offer.

 

I was still kind of with him, the night I met my husband. He showered me with attention. Not the kind of attention most patrons showed me. But he talked to me, and for the first time asked me out on a date. I was taken back. I 'broke up' with the ex to go out with someone who treated me like more than just an object.

 

Instead, I treated this person who treated me like a human-like ****. I don't know if it was me projecting how ****ty I felt on the inside outwards. Or if on some subconscious reasons I thought he was like the rest. Like why was he in a strip club, unless he viewed woman like that. These are thoughts/issues I"m exploring and working through with counselling.

 

During the years with him, his view was to have a stay at home wife/mother to his children, and he'd support us. Me while I love being a mother, I wanted to work, get a good paying, honest job. I've tried so hard to overcome these issues. But I never actually worked on them. The internal issues were still there. Otherwise, I wouldn't have started an long term affair with the other man.

 

When I asked for a separation, I was lost. I was confused. Now being away from my husband and being forced to look at reality, I'm starting to see what I've been blinded too.

 

So back to when he told me he slept with a stripper. It hurt, not so much that he 'claimed' to have had a one night stand, but because, it conjured up so many bad memories. My self-worth was put into question.

 

Learning he didn't, kind of felt freeing.

[BaileyB]

My friend, you will never be free until you stop defining your self worth based on the approval of others, particularly men.

 

Whether he slept with the stripper or not, shouldn't really make one difference to your own feelings of self worth.

[JuneL]

Being "upset" is fine but taking it out on a small child is just wrong. If the husband/son can get past it and treat all 3 as equals, then so should the MIL. Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

Also, i don't recall the OP trying to trick anyone about the 2nd child. For quite a while she was unsure whose child it was until she had the DNA test. All this was going on during her being caught having the affair. To me it sounded like she told her husband in "reasonable time" that the child was not his.

 

She should have come clean that the baby might not be his when she learned that she was pregnant, instead of tricking her husband into bonding with the baby during the pregnancy and after the baby was born.

 

The fact that she’s making fun of a custodian’s “low-paying” job is very telling: at least it’s an honest hard-working job.

[sandylee1]

We had talked about that very thing. I asked him what he do the day they find out it figure out the truth. He has always been the one who made it clear that he wouldn't tolerate favorism and he said it wouldn't change. Everyone knows it.

 

You can't always control how others behave though...and they could be careful about how they treat her in front of him...if it means he would cut them off seeing the other children.

 

I suspect he doesnt want them to know because he's embarrassed. It's the ultimate humiliation in infidelity for a man.

 

Why would they be suspicious? A 7 month old doesnt have to look like any parent...So it can't be based on that.

 

I'm not so sure I'd still be as close to the child if was the Aunt or Grandma. I'd feel very deceived by it all.

[sandylee1]

"He has always been the one who made it clear that he wouldn't tolerate favorism and he said it wouldn't change."Everyone knows it

 

Who is everyone?

 

You two (OM and thus wife) are the only ones who know.

 

So why would everyone know his stance if a child wasn't his?

[JuneL]

 

I suspect he doesnt want them to know because he's embarrassed. It's the ultimate humiliation in infidelity for a man.

 

 

I wonder what he's going to do with the happy family pictures if others know what his young hot wife has done to him.

[nittygritty]

The MIL should know and have the option of whether or not she wants to take on the responsibility of taking care of a 7 month old baby that isn’t really her grandchild. If you don’t think she would be okay with it if she knew the truth then your 7 month old baby should be living with you most of the time until your husband either finds another place to live or you reconcile. It’s very deceptive to not tell her. Even in divorce joint custody situations 7 month old babies are not usually separated from their moms for very long unless there is something wrong.

[TheRainbow]

The MIL should know and have the option of whether or not she wants to take on the responsibility of taking care of a 7-month-old baby that isn’t really her grandchild. If you don’t think she would be okay with it if she knew the truth then your 7-month-old baby should be living with you most of the time until your husband either finds another place to live or you reconcile. It’s very deceptive to not tell her. Even in divorce joint custody situations 7-month-old babies are not usually separated from their moms for very long unless there is something wrong.

 

I never really agreed with the whole a 7-month-old needs there mother most of all. I'm not breastfeeding, and besides a lot of women go back to work after a few months because maternity leave unless paid for is not a thing. So why not spend just as much time with their father as their mother. I think it's very selfish unless either parent is not fit, to keep a child from their other parent equally.

 

As for my mother in law. My husband is moving into a condo on the 15th of this month. Whether or not he tells his mother anything is not up to me. He has his reasons and I'll respect that.

[TheRainbow]

"He has always been the one who made it clear that he wouldn't tolerate favorism and he said it wouldn't change."Everyone knows it

 

Who is everyone?

 

You two (OM and thus wife) are the only ones who know.

 

So why would everyone know his stance if a child wasn't his?

 

I also told my mother the truth. But as for everyone, I mean everyone in terms of favouritism of his children. He sees the baby as him, and if they treat the baby differently because of him not being the biological father, he wouldn't be all right with that. It's in general. If we take the baby out of the equation and wait until the baby I'm carrying is born. If they treated the oldest one better then the baby, he wouldn't stand for that.

[TheRainbow]

The fact that she’s making fun of a custodian’s “low-paying” job is very telling: at least it’s an honest hard-working job.

 

It's not the job title that I was making fun of, so much as at him. He worked an executive job, looked down on people, and acted all superior to everyone else. It's really karma for him. I know karma will probably come my way eventually, but honestly it was deserved for my husband sake.

[oldlion]

Your outlook on your husband reminds me of a C&W song (The Tip Of MY Fingers) that I heard. The song says, "I held your love on the tips of my fingers and I let it slip right through my hands. Somebody took you when I wasn't looking..." You have a man whose love is right on the tip of your fingers and you are letting it slip through your hands. And one day somebody is going to take him because you aren't looking. I do wish you well.

[TheRainbow]

Today has been rough. I'm physically in a lot of discomfort with uncontrollable joint pain. Doctor's say there is nothing wrong with me and I can't really take anything for pain medication because of being pregnant. I took my baby to daycare, on when I'd usually keep her home since I didn't work today because I just couldn't pick her up without extreme pain. That made me feel ****ty. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry.

Edited September 5, 2018 by TheRainbow

[nittygritty]

I also told my mother the truth. But as for everyone, I mean everyone in terms of favouritism of his children. He sees the baby as him, and if they treat the baby differently because of him not being the biological father, he wouldn't be all right with that. It's in general. If we take the baby out of the equation and wait until the baby I'm carrying is born. If they treated the oldest one better then the baby, he wouldn't stand for that.

 

If your husband had cheated and had a baby with the other woman would you see the baby as yours? Feel exactly the same as you do your own child?

[TheRainbow]

If your husband had cheated and had a baby with the other woman would you see the baby as yours? Feel exactly the same as you do your own child?

 

No I wouldn't honestly.

 

Also, the difference is, my husband wants to be this little girls father. Knowing that he wants, treats, and sees the baby as him, I know him well enough to know he'll expect his family to embrace the baby the same way. That is all I'm saying.