Struggling not having any physical romance

[max3732]

I'm someone who is pretty shy and analytical and have been getting more and more frustrated by how long I've been single and can't find someone to date. I signed up for eharmony, match, bumble, and tinder with no luck.

 

I've started trying to talk to random women I meet that I think I might like, but no luck with that yet. I did meet someone I've been playing tennis with, but after talking to her I figured out rather quickly a relationship wouldn't work due to several factors that has that are deal killers for me.

 

That being said, she is incredibly attractive and wears next to nothing when we play. It's been over 5 years since my last kiss or anything more than a hug and looking at her just drives me crazy physically.

 

She's going away for the summer told me she doesn't know that many people here and doesn't have a boyfriend. As I'm typing this I know it sounds crazy, but is there any way I could ask her to cuddle or even make out when I don't see a relationship possibility?

[d0nnivain]

You can ask for FWB or NSA sex but understand she may not be OK with that. As long as you don't lie to her or lead her on & make her think you want a relationship you are allowed to ask her for physical comfort without the emotional attachments.

[preraph]

The good thing is you are talking to women in person. One of these days, that will likely work out for you. Instead of asking this woman for a sub-relationship, why not ask her if she has any single friends she could invite to your next party?

 

Yes, have a party and expand your social circle. Invite some people and tell all of them to bring anyone they want, and tell the male ones you're hoping to meet women. Coctail party inside or outdoors or backyard bbq or renting a room and catering, whatever you can afford. Having parties is a great way to network and meet new friends and neighbors and new women.

 

I don't advise having a sports party because too many women will not want to attend, though some will. Long time ago, I had a Monkees Marathon and we all sang the theme song each and every time a new episode started. Later, I had a John Hughes Marathon. Small group in my one-bedroom apartment, but we all had a blast. But a basic no-theme party is no pressure for you or anyone and will do just fine. You meet some new people, then next party, you invite those new people and tell THEM to bring a friend and just keep multiplying your network.

[max3732]

You can ask for FWB or NSA sex but understand she may not be OK with that. As long as you don't lie to her or lead her on & make her think you want a relationship you are allowed to ask her for physical comfort without the emotional attachments.

 

How do I do that? I mean, she's incredibly attractive, but I'm not willing to go past making out.

[d0nnivain]

How you do that is the art of romance. If you don't know how to pull it off, I don't have magic words for you. It's a pretty ballsy thing. I doubt most could do it but some Lotharios just have a way with women, that make us melt at their feet. It's a je ne se quoi thing. Do you have the ability to spend time with her, romance her without lying to her about your intentions then attempting the physical, again all without spelling it out?

 

 

It may not work out.

 

 

Perhaps you should seek companionship elsewhere.

[gaius]

If you don't want to have sex with this woman then you're just fooling yourself that you're actually attracted to her. Please don't impose yourself and your issues upon this woman before you figure out what's going on inside of you. Women need a guy who's "not willing to go past making out" like they need a hole in their head.

[max3732]

If you don't want to have sex with this woman then you're just fooling yourself that you're actually attracted to her. Please don't impose yourself and your issues upon this woman before you figure out what's going on inside of you. Women need a guy who's "not willing to go past making out" like they need a hole in their head.

 

Of course a part me does want to have sex with her, but I'd rather wait to find someone I really care about. I saw there are people offering "cuddling" services, but I don't want to pay some stranger for that.

 

Obviously I'd like a real romantic relationship, but I haven't been able find it yet.

[FilterCoffee]

She's going away for the summer told me she doesn't know that many people here and doesn't have a boyfriend.

 

She couldn’t have been more explicit about wanting to meet you outside the court. If you wanted to you could definitely sleep with her. She’s just looking for a good time because she’s moving away soon. What did she say that completely turned you off?

[grays]

I'm also wondering what your dealbreaker is. It sounds like there are several which makes me wonder if you've got too many. Of course there are some things you just can't live with but I think some people either use dealbreakers as an excuse to stay single even while they think they're in search of a relationship.

[max3732]

I'm also wondering what your dealbreaker is. It sounds like there are several which makes me wonder if you've got too many. Of course there are some things you just can't live with but I think some people either use dealbreakers as an excuse to stay single even while they think they're in search of a relationship.

 

The main one is she is slightly more than 10 years younger, which is too much for me. She also smokes and has tattoos all over, which I can't stand.

[d0nnivain]

The main one is she is slightly more than 10 years younger, which is too much for me. She also smokes and has tattoos all over, which I can't stand.

 

 

 

You're right; the 10 years makes things culturally challenging. Smoking is legit. I can't believe I'm saying this but lighten up about the tattoos. I'm probably one of the few people on the planet with no ink. I don't care for tats & really hate the sleeves etc. My preference notwithstanding, my husband has 5 of the miserable things. They are part of him. One I really can't stand & tease him about it but . . . honestly, after 10 years of marriage I don't even see them anymore because I look at him with love through my heart. So tats are a superficial thing, unless they say mean awful stuff but general pictures, colors, shapes designs . . .eh . . It's just ink.

[grays]

I agree. Cigarettes and age might be legit. If she's lovable, you'll probably get over the tattoo thing. If you're really not feeling it, of course you shouldn't pursue her. But I feel like you might be protesting too much.

[max3732]

I agree. Cigarettes and age might be legit. If she's lovable, you'll probably get over the tattoo thing. If you're really not feeling it, of course you shouldn't pursue her. But I feel like you might be protesting too much.

 

I think what I basically felt was lust more than anything. I don't think I've ever had someone standing next to me with a body like hers just wearing a sports bra and skimpy shorts and considering how many years it's been since my last kiss it just made me go a little crazy.

 

I've actually got a couple dates from online setup over the next week. Hopefully those will go well.

[SevenCity]

I don’t know, a tatted up chick who smokes wearing skimpy clothes doesn’t sound like she definitely wants a long term thing.

 

Chances are 99% of the women you date will be temporary. Why not just take her out for a good time and if she says she wants a RL tell her where you’re at.

 

Women offer no guarantee of a relationship because of sex. As a result, I offer no guarantees as well. I’ve slept with a few women who left me after. No hard feelings.

 

The ones that bother me are those who left after a relationship.

[salparadise]

I think what I basically felt was lust more than anything. I don't think I've ever had someone standing next to me with a body like hers just wearing a sports bra and skimpy shorts and considering how many years it's been since my last kiss it just made me go a little crazy.

 

I agree with SevenCity... just roll with it and let whatever happens happen.

 

I really don't get this inner conflict you've got going; she turns you on, makes you crazy in lust, gives you a green light, and you don't want more than a cuddle... because you don't see her as the wifey type? Are you hoping for a Darwin award or something?

 

Man, you need to rethink that strategy! What if you turn down a few dozen more opportunities waiting for the one who reminds you of your mother, and then she rejects you because you don't look like her father? When you get old, it's not going to be the ones you banged that you regret... it's opportunities missed that will haunt you.

 

PS: you aren't obliged to announce that she isn't your ideal wifey type. All of that remains ambiguous on both sides. You may not be her's either, but in the meantime there are two people with needs, today. Opportunity knocks. Answer the friggin door!

Edited May 19, 2018 by salparadise

[FilterCoffee]

She's going away for the summer told me she doesn't know that many people here and doesn't have a boyfriend.

 

Let’s not fool ourselves here, you find her hot regardless of the tattoos and smoking. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. And she likes you enough to say the above. She’s just looking for a good time and you should be grateful that she’s given you an opportunity when she has plenty of options. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about her. I promise you, you will feel good for not only making her feel happy but for also being intimate with a beautiful woman.

[SevenCity]

I agree with SevenCity... just roll with it and let whatever happens happen.

 

I really don't get this inner conflict you've got going; she turns you on, makes you crazy in lust, gives you a green light, and you don't want more than a cuddle... because you don't see her as the wifey type? Are you hoping for a Darwin award or something?

 

Man, you need to rethink that strategy! What if you turn down a few dozen more opportunities waiting for the one who reminds you of your mother, and then she rejects you because you don't look like her father? When you get old, it's not going to be the ones you banged that you regret... it's opportunities missed that will haunt you.

 

PS: you aren't obliged to announce that she isn't your ideal wifey type. All of that remains ambiguous on both sides. You may not be her's either, but in the meantime there are two people with needs, today. Opportunity knocks. Answer the friggin door!

 

 

Ha ha! Agreed on all counts....sans not regretting the ones you banged - there are a couple I wish I threw back

[max3732]

I agree with SevenCity... just roll with it and let whatever happens happen.

 

I really don't get this inner conflict you've got going; she turns you on, makes you crazy in lust, gives you a green light, and you don't want more than a cuddle... because you don't see her as the wifey type? Are you hoping for a Darwin award or something?

 

Man, you need to rethink that strategy! What if you turn down a few dozen more opportunities waiting for the one who reminds you of your mother, and then she rejects you because you don't look like her father? When you get old, it's not going to be the ones you banged that you regret... it's opportunities missed that will haunt you.

 

PS: you aren't obliged to announce that she isn't your ideal wifey type. All of that remains ambiguous on both sides. You may not be her's either, but in the meantime there are two people with needs, today. Opportunity knocks. Answer the friggin door!

 

Even if I wanted to do more I don't understand how you're supposed to move forward with it. I can't just reach out and grab this woman on the court.

 

I feel like there's some kind of action or something that everyone knows about in situations like this that I don't. It's like this with all the women I meet on dates. We meet up, do something like tennis, a meal or a walk and chat and then we go our separate ways.

[JDJ]

Even if I wanted to do more I don't understand how you're supposed to move forward with it. I can't just reach out and grab this woman on the court.

 

I feel like there's some kind of action or something that everyone knows about in situations like this that I don't. It's like this with all the women I meet on dates. We meet up, do something like tennis, a meal or a walk and chat and then we go our separate ways.

 

Ask her after the meal or the walk if she wants to come back to your place. I majored in rocket science.

[max3732]

Ask her after the meal or the walk if she wants to come back to your place. I majored in rocket science.

 

Then what? I've had someone come back to my place to change before going out to dinner. She changed and then we left. I don't know how to take someone I'm not in a relationship with and start kissing or doing anything physical

[JDJ]

Then what? I've had someone come back to my place to change before going out to dinner. She changed and then we left. I don't know how to take someone I'm not in a relationship with and start kissing or doing anything physical

 

You could, when you are standing close to her (at home, not on the court), tell her "I'd like to kiss you, is that ok?" If she is into you, she may say yes.

[SevenCity]

You could, when you are standing close to her (at home, not on the court), tell her "I'd like to kiss you, is that ok?" If she is into you, she may say yes.

 

I never asked a woman if I could kiss her I just did it. Most kissed me back, some some gave me the one cheek sneak.

 

The women who kissed me got another date.

 

There is no magic to it. Just be yourself, make them laugh, keep them talking about themselves by asking questions and repeating back what they say in context.

 

If a woman is going out with you on a date, she will expect you to make a move if she likes you. As a man, you have to.

 

If your advances get rebuffed, move onto another woman with higher interest.

[FilterCoffee]

I don't know how to take someone I'm not in a relationship with and start kissing or doing anything physical

 

You need to get comfortable with touching your dates and you do that by not making a big deal of it. The touching should start the moment you meet her and should be present throughout. Here are some ideas for your next date:

 

• When you meet her, give her a warm hug.
  
• When you’re leading her through a door, or any place really, place a hand on her lower back and gently guide her. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being no pressure and 10 being pushing, you should give a 5 in terms of pressure.
  
• Act like a 5 year old and pinch her nose, mess her hair, poke her tummy or gently shove her.
  
• When you’re done with your date, offer your arm for support when you leave the date venue. The added bonus is that it’s kind of romantic as well.
  
• When you want to kiss her, bring her close to you and just go for it. If we’re standing face to face , I like to put my hands on her hips and gently pull her towards me. If she’s sitting next to me, I put an arm around her shoulders and bring her closer.
  

 

You should try this with the hot tennis girl. I’m sure she’d appreciate it as well.

[max3732]

You need to get comfortable with touching your dates and you do that by not making a big deal of it. The touching should start the moment you meet her and should be present throughout. Here are some ideas for your next date:

 

• When you meet her, give her a warm hug.
  
• When you’re leading her through a door, or any place really, place a hand on her lower back and gently guide her. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being no pressure and 10 being pushing, you should give a 5 in terms of pressure.
  
• Act like a 5 year old and pinch her nose, mess her hair, poke her tummy or gently shove her.
  
• When you’re done with your date, offer your arm for support when you leave the date venue. The added bonus is that it’s kind of romantic as well.
  
• When you want to kiss her, bring her close to you and just go for it. If we’re standing face to face , I like to put my hands on her hips and gently pull her towards me. If she’s sitting next to me, I put an arm around her shoulders and bring her closer.
  

 

You should try this with the hot tennis girl. I’m sure she’d appreciate it as well.

 

Thanks! I have an actual date today with someone I met online and am playing with the hot tennis girl next week and may have another date with someone online the following weekend. So I will try to do some touching today. I just generally don't touch people other than shaking hands so when there's someone attractive in front of me it becomes difficult to do it naturally.

 

I saw the other post about about being a virgin later in life and that's still the case for me.

[FilterCoffee]

Yes, at first it will feel weird because it’s outside your comfort zone. But you should do all of this nonetheless. I mean you do like physical contact, that’s the reason you started this thread. So don’t feel shy and just enjoy it. Women enjoy it too!

 

am playing with the hot tennis girl next week

Hopefully not on the court