To buy disrespectful ADULT son bday present or not

[Buzzle]

My son turns 19 on the 19th. I have had some real issues over the last 4 to 6 months with him not pulling his weight around the house. He does have a job and it’s a strenuous 30-35 hours per week. I think he feels that I should cut him some slack because of this, and because his back bothers him a lot.

 

The truth of the matter is that he can go to work just fine, and although his back might bother him, he can still get through the shift. The expectations I have of him at home are not difficult or manual labor, they are just chores that I want him to do. Clean up his room once it gets to the filth-level it’s at and has been at for nearly 2 months. Clean his bathroom when IT gets to the filth level it’s presently at. Pick up after himself - clothes, dirty dishes, etc.

 

Without going into all the boring details I can assure you all that I have not been asking too much of him. I just cannot get him to do stuff around here. Maybe once every 20 times that I ask. He just has zero motivation for whatever reason. Probably a lot of it has to do with his marijuana smoking. It’s not right and I’m ready to send him on his way. He pays a small amount of rent and utilities but it’s not worth it for me to consistently deal with this.

 

My pressing issue is the bday that is coming up on Sat. I wanted to pay for his car windows to be tinted. I just don’t feel he deserves it tbh. Mother’s Day came and went and you think I got anything? A “Happy Mother’s Day” yes and also a hug, but never do I get a card, flowers, whatever. Now, I’m not one to EXPECT a gift persay, but this is at least the 3rd time he has claimed he “hasn’t gotten me something yet but he’s working on it”.... it just never comes. Mother’s day this time, before that Xmas and then my birthday. Sorry but that’s sh*tty.

 

Do I just blow his off? I’ll feel kinda bad doing it but does having a bday mean he can be as lazy and slobish and entitled as he wants and STILL expect to be lavished with gifts? He has brought this on himself, although I’m certain he fails to see any perspective other than his own.

Edited May 17, 2018 by Buzzle
Typos

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't blow it off. You are the parent & need to be more mature.

 

Get him a card & a cake but not pay for the expensive windows. Generous gifts like that when you are feeling neglected are not required.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wouldn't blow it off. You are the parent & need to be more mature.

 

Get him a card & a cake but not pay for the expensive windows. Generous gifts like that when you are feeling neglected are not required.

 

I agree. Sounds like he needs a dose of his own medicine. I also wouldn't cook dinner for him anymore until he starts, at the very least, keeping that bathroom clean!

 

I think you should have a heart to heart with him about this at a neutral time when you're not angry/in a fight. This behavior can't be allowed to continue or he'll make a lousy husband/partner some day.

[Buzzle]

I wouldn't blow it off. You are the parent & need to be more mature.

 

Get him a card & a cake but not pay for the expensive windows. Generous gifts like that when you are feeling neglected are not required.

 

Yeah I guess I could do something small like that. He won’t appreciate it because he’ll expect something more, and he probably won’t even understand where I am coming from, but at least he’ll be acknowledged.

[d0nnivain]

Days after his birthday when you are calmer, have another chat with him about your expectations & his responsibilities. If he really won't clean, charge him rent & use the money to pay for a housekeeper.

[Buzzle]

I agree. Sounds like he needs a dose of his own medicine. I also wouldn't cook dinner for him anymore until he starts, at the very least, keeping that bathroom clean!

 

I think you should have a heart to heart with him about this at a neutral time when you're not angry/in a fight. This behavior can't be allowed to continue or he'll make a lousy husband/partner some day.

 

Totally agree. All throughout his life I have tried to instill in him the importance of acknowledgment of others’. He won’t forget his gf’s bday, and he acknowledges his brothers, it seems to be me he has the issue with. I’m certain I’m at least partly to blame somewhere in there - maybe I’ve been too much of a doormat, or spoiled him too much, haven’t had high enough expectations, I don’t know.

[Buzzle]

Days after his birthday when you are calmer, have another chat with him about your expectations & his responsibilities. If he really won't clean, charge him rent & use the money to pay for a housekeeper.

 

Haha, my bf has suggested this very thing. I already charge him rent but can up it to cover housekeeping expenses. If he doesn’t want to pay it or have a stranger rummaging through his room to clean it up, he can do it himself like he should be or move out.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Totally agree. All throughout his life I have tried to instill in him the importance of acknowledgment of others’. He won’t forget his gf’s bday, and he acknowledges his brothers, it seems to be me he has the issue with. I’m certain I’m at least partly to blame somewhere in there - maybe I’ve been too much of a doormat, or spoiled him too much, haven’t had high enough expectations, I don’t know.

 

Yeah, he's just taking you for granted .

[Happy Lemming]

... he can do it himself like he should be or move out.

 

THIS!!

 

I also agree with d0nnivain about the gift situation, something small.

 

At some point, you are going to have to talk to him about "leaving the nest"; not as punishment, but as normal development. He will need to spread his wings and fly, soon.

 

I moved out of my parents' home on my 18th birthday. It was a hard struggle, but worth it, in the end. My situation was a little different, but I have no regrets about leaving my parents' home when I did. The experience shaped me into a responsible adult.

[d0nnivain]

Haha, my bf has suggested this very thing. I already charge him rent but can up it to cover housekeeping expenses. If he doesn’t want to pay it or have a stranger rummaging through his room to clean it up, he can do it himself like he should be or move out.

 

Exactly. You need to establish better boundaries.

[amaysngrace]

If he were my kid I'd still spoil him because it's his one special day, especially knowing how it feels to have my own special days go unacknowledged. I truly believe we should treat others the way we'd like to be treated and you are the best role model he has.

 

There are 364 other days to be mad/ disappointed with him.

[Buzzle]

If he were my kid I'd still spoil him because it's his one special day, especially knowing how it feels to have my own special days go unacknowledged. I truly believe we should treat others the way we'd like to be treated and you are the best role model he has.

 

There are 364 other days to be mad/ disappointed with him.

 

Yes this is something I have considered as well. There’s that side of me that wants to do what I typically would under “normal” circumstances because that’s who I am. His disrespect will still be an issue that I will have to deal with but at least I wouldn’t have to feel bad for totally minimizing his bday.

 

But then on the other hand there’s this part of me that doesn’t even feel motivated to make it special anymore. He’s kinda taken the fun out of it.

[preraph]

I'd give him a card, period. I'd also kick him out and let him find roommates while he's young and CAN find them. You know, once you're out of school and especially out of your 20s when you're out socializing a lot, it's hard to find friends for roommates. It's best he start doing that now while he can. the sooner he realizes what being responsible for yourself is, the sooner he'll halfway appreciate you again.

[CaliGuy]

You want to fix this?

 

Put him in the Marines....It worked on me and everyone I know that had a self inflated sense of importance.

 

He's 19. He should be working on setting himself up for success, not living at home.

[amaysngrace]

Yes this is something I have considered as well. There’s that side of me that wants to do what I typically would under “normal” circumstances because that’s who I am. His disrespect will still be an issue that I will have to deal with but at least I wouldn’t have to feel bad for totally minimizing his bday.

 

But then on the other hand there’s this part of me that doesn’t even feel motivated to make it special anymore. He’s kinda taken the fun out of it.

 

It's not about you though. It's his day and he's just barely 19.

 

I think one of the worst things you could do to a child is to make them feel resented on their birthday. What message are you sending by doing that, have you thought about that?

Edited May 19, 2018 by amaysngrace

[whichwayisup]

Unconditional love...Remember that.

 

Of course buy your son a gift for his birthday! And a card too. No kid of any age wants to feel unloved by their parent, especially on their bday.

 

It's time to set down rules for him if he chooses to continue to live at home.

 

Tell him your expectations, (especially about mother's day, xmas etc, he is old enough to put more effort in and give) and give him a chance to prove himself.

[preraph]

Teens are difficult, at best. And I know, because I remember being 17, that once the teen decides to not do what their parents want them to do, your one and only choice is to kick them out. Now, whether you do that by sending them to live on campus or just kick them out so they have to find a job, it needs to be done.

 

The other thing is if you haven't taught them to respect you from the time they were born, you certainly can't teach them to respect you now. You can't change a lifetime of letting things slide.

[preraph]

He's doing nothing for her whatsoever, so I say keep it minimal.

[JDJ]

You call him disrespectful. To me that word is more about how he treats you. Does he mouth off when you tell him to clean up? That is a different kind of problem than if he is just lazy and a slob. Not living up to expectations is bad, but not living up to expectations and being nasty about it is worse. I would see those as two different situations entirely.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe buy him a few sessions with a life coach . Problem solved.

[Miss Clavel]

not sure what you decided to do but i would hug him and say, "i'm working on getting you a gift".

[jnel921]

It's not about you though. It's his day and he's just barely 19.

 

I think one of the worst things you could do to a child is to make them feel resented on their birthday. What message are you sending by doing that, have you thought about that?

 

I canceled my daughters plane ticket when I planned a trip to Cancun for her birthday when she didn't deserve it. Its not meant to traumatize its meant to show that you should earn and deserve things.

 

I think doing something simple that includes everyone is fine. A birthday dinner and cake.