I can't get over my toxic ex and need need

[Ltdan459]

Ok you know that saying friends with benefits well im in a similar situation but its parents with benefits.

 

So me and my ex who have 3 kids together and were in a relationship for oh about 8 years 3 years ago we separated.

 

We had a bad separation and nasty one at that. It was not our first separation that was official we separated before for about a year then got back together and had our son. This second time we separated She cheated on me and went with this guy and you know how that story goes. I was forgiving and wanted to fix the relationship but this time it was for good. This separation was because well how do I put it? No sex i was always tired never had time for it and also never held her at night. She went on to someone else.

 

Well the she went with ended up cheating on her and was only with her because he saw and opening to free sex and they have been separated for about 7 months they no longer talk to each other.

 

So we started hooking up again back in August. We get along and even do things with our kids together and so on. We went into this knowing it was just hooking up (sex) going out to have a good time and nothing else meaning not geting back together and being bf gf or husband and wife. She can talk to other guys and I to other girls even thoe I dont. She dose her thing I do mine.

 

Well lately this past Holliday season iv been staying at her place while her sister was out of town and with our kids and iv been geting feelings for her again. Also noticed we constantly have sex and I even go 3 to 4 times a night like if we were young again I have the energy and even hold her at night and not push her away.

 

Now it took me 5 months to get over her when we separated she was my everything. I hated her to for what she did to me but now im geting feelings. I dont know if she has any for me its hard to tell. One time me her hugged on chrismas and she cryed when we hugged. She would not let go i know she misses the old us I do to. She dose that every Christmas since we separated. I dont know what I should do. I know she is talking to other guys but talking to then as friends like how I talk to my buddys. How I know well went though her fb and text on her phine. Why I dont want her to be with someone else while she is with me I dont play games like that. I stopped geting jellus after I got over her when we separated but not Im begening to get jellus that she even talks to guys. I feel like she should be with me only me. She did say if she got into a relationship with someone else she would brake it off as long as she was not seeing me at the same time. Again I do not play games like that. Anyway I want to get back together but dont know what to do. I feel as I should end this relationship and just be parents but the other part of me wants her back.

 

Also when I have the kids im always wondering what she is doing like is she with someone else. I know I should not care i know I what I got my self into with her. Any advice?

[road]

Tell her that you want her back. Be direct. You want

her and you are not willing to share her.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Tell her that you want her back. Be direct. You want

her and you are not willing to share her.

 

This. BUT....how has anything changed since the break-up? Are the reasons for the break-up resolved or on the road to being resolved? Otherwise, it is a bad idea to get back together...imho.

[Ltdan459]

we have parents with benefits like friends with benefitswe have been separated for 3 years of an 8 year relation ship. 3 kids she cheated then that guy cheated on her. there relationship was a rebound for both of them. They separated in june we started hooking up in aug and went in to this as its just sex but now im wanting her back back as a family.

 

We separated bc i was not in the mood for sex now its like I go 3 to4 even 5 times a night. It took me 5 months to get over her we we went our ways 3 years ago. Now what do I do?

 

I get she is talking with guys and it seems like its how I talk with my buddys nothing like she is doing them or what not. Yes I went threw her phone and FB. She did tell me that if she gets in a relationship with someone else she will end the sex with me. I was fine with it at first because i told her as long as she was not doing the both of us at the same time of seeing eatchother i dont play games like that.

 

I dont know what to do. We do go out together on dates and so on even doing things with the kids together. She dose say she misses the old us but same time its just sex.

[S2B]

She's using you so if you can't keep your feelings out of it then end it.

 

She doesn't know how to be alone - that's not healthy.

 

Use protection! You are at risk for diseases!

[HumanMachine]

Where’s your self respect? This woman is using you for sex and company whilst she’s on the prowl for her next partner. Keep it civil for the kid’s sake, but be strong and learn to tell her no. Work on yourself and find someone that respects you and your time.. life is too short and time is too valuable to waste on someone who really doesn’t care about you.

[Been]

You messed around with someone who cheated on you while you were married. Your filling a void for her until she finds something new. That's all it is.

Now you want more and she doesn't. Suprised by that? Of course because you thought she would change but they DONT so now you have to revisit sad city AGAIN because you chose to mess with her.

Cut her off.

[SevenCity]

we have parents with benefits like friends with benefitswe have been separated for 3 years of an 8 year relation ship. 3 kids she cheated then that guy cheated on her. there relationship was a rebound for both of them. They separated in june we started hooking up in aug and went in to this as its just sex but now im wanting her back back as a family.

 

We separated bc i was not in the mood for sex now its like I go 3 to4 even 5 times a night. It took me 5 months to get over her we we went our ways 3 years ago. Now what do I do?

 

I get she is talking with guys and it seems like its how I talk with my buddys nothing like she is doing them or what not. Yes I went threw her phone and FB. She did tell me that if she gets in a relationship with someone else she will end the sex with me. I was fine with it at first because i told her as long as she was not doing the both of us at the same time of seeing eatchother i dont play games like that.

 

I dont know what to do. We do go out together on dates and so on even doing things with the kids together. She dose say she misses the old us but same time its just sex.

 

This is exactly what she did when you were in a committed relationship. What makes you think she is not going to do it now that you are not?

 

You are expecting her to change who she is. She can’t.

[Ltdan459]

I'm 27 years old and have an ex who I was with for 8 years and who I have 3 kids with.

 

We were high school sweet hearts each others first everything and yes we lost our virginity together.

 

Our relationship was full of issues mostly dealing with b's from her family always getting in the way and she to me would chose her family over ours. To the point I left her not our kids but her and then we got back together.

 

About a little over 2 years ago we separated. Not our first time we separated but our 2nd time. And I don't mean break ups I mean devorce and court and such. Anyway the 2nd time she ended up cheating on me I feel it was my falt somewhat I grew distant and would not be in the mood for sex pay attention to her hold her at night I just well after dealing with bs for 8 years yea.

 

Anyway she left me for this guy. Oh man did it hurt like hell and yes I was deeply depressed mostly knowing we had a special connection together not just kids but our virginity. It bothered me so much knowing another man was with her in bed. Even while she was with the guy we would do everything but sex even doing things with the kids like she wanted to come back.

 

Eventually I got over her took me 5 months. Mostly after I got 50/50 of our kids she some how went to court for child support and won. It was like she kicked me while I was on the ground. I was still copping with the separation but after that I focused on my kids and moved on.

 

After that guy she left me for kept cheating on my ex and ended up leaving her she came back but we were parents with benifets. At first it was just sex we both went into it as that sex then I go my way she goes her way but after December we started doing more things with the kids together and more romantic stuff like dates hanging out, she would want me to cuddle, then she the kissing she would kiss me, she even invited me to stay over her place a few times for weeks when her Sister who she lives with was out of town. anyway I was thinking we could get back together I had a taste of being a family again but no she didn't want a relationship she said it was just parents with benifets.

 

Anyway for the past 10 months up until 3 weeks ago we had our ups and downs and small break ups 3 times were she would not deal with me but She would come back to me latter.

 

Now we are at our 4th time not dealing with each other.

Also I noticed she would just lay there for sex or not in the mood when I was for a week at the end of April. At first I though she is seeing someone else but no evidence and the fact we were always with each other and yea she would not lock her phone like she would she she cheated yea I looked through her phone too and nothing.

 

I want to move on but I can't I'm now back in the same boat and how I felt when we separated but not as bad.

 

Part of me wants her back part of me dosnt it's hard I can't stop thinking about her at times and I feel imberusse but I masterbaite to her or her doing that guy when I'm alone is that healthy?

 

I feel like was I a rebound for the rebound or she was just using me.

 

I feel like she dose not know what she wants

 

I feel like she wanted to get back but didn't know if it would work.

 

 

2 things are hard for me to forgive her 1 she kept me away from my kids for 3 months after our first separation and court. 2 she cheated. I forgave her yet part of me dosnt really forgive and if we ever got back would not trust her.

 

Also would she come back she seems to every time?

 

Also when I do no contact ever time she leaves me she comes right back but I'm the sucker to answer the first call or text thinking things would work out but it never dose. That's whay I'm doing right now.

 

Side note she tried to get a restraining order against me for no reson other then to keep me away when she left but she ended up braking it when she would call or text saying she missed me and us and wanting to work it out but never did. She ended up dropping the order just wanted to ad that.

[d0nnivain]

Counseling.

 

Because you share children, she will be in your life forever. So you are going to need tools to deal with her while protecting yourself.

[tojaz]

When you say part of you want her back, have a clear picture in your head of what it is that you would be getting back and not the memories of your high school sweet heart, loving wife etc.

 

From the way you describe it, it sounds like you've just become a security blanket while she checks in and out of the relationship as it suits her at that particular moment.

 

Is that enough for you?

 

 

TOJAZ

[Ltdan459]

So I have this ex who I was with for 8 years and have 3 kids together.

 

About a little over 2 years ago she ends the relation ship and right away I mean less then a week gets in to a relationship with this guy and she already had feeling for him. Yea they new eachother from a class they had together and I have a feeling that she cheated on me with him.

 

This guy thoe saw and easy target just to get in her pants. She always talked about the issues she had with me he always said the right things to her to get her back when she would pull away. Anyway that relationship lasted a little over 2 years but they broke up 10 times and there were a lot of issues and fights between them and he always cheated on her with other women and even his ex wife yea my ex also I guess you can say cheated on him with me we did everything but any asexual stuff.

 

He then left my ex for his ex wife karma you can say. Anyway after he left her she was lonely and hit me up. Right away we started a parents with benifet relationship that turned well to me a more then just sex buddy's I mean we went on a lot of romantic dates and more kissing and hugging and cuddleling and doing things with the kids a lot together. That lasted 10 months yea we had times when she did not want to deal with me but when I did no contact she came back.

 

So now she is in a new relationship with some guy at her Job I just got her at the beginning of this month of May. This guy is already saying he loves her and he is liking all her Instagram photos even old ones and making comments she also made comments on his stuff like looking good babe.

 

So my question is she in a rebound relationship again? I mean these two only knew eachother for 2 weeks and Im thinking they work in different areas of her Job. Also she has our kids 50% of the time like how do you the guy tell her in a message that you Love her if you hardly know her? Unless he is like the last guy and just sees and easy target to get in her pants. He is also a body builder loves to work out a lot so how would he have time for her when she has to take care of the kids. Like I hear that single guys with no kids don't usual go with single mothers mabye if the have 1 or 2 kids but she has 3 and they are 7 4 and 3.

 

Is she using him as a rebound? I noticed she could never be alone just look when she went back with me after the last guy left her she knew I was always there.

 

Or was I the rebound after the rebound?

 

Or is she just a slut?

 

Now my concern is that she will bring him around our kids way to fast. That last guy remember I said when she would pull away he dose and said all the right things to get that as back he pressured her to being around our kids and she told me once she wasn't ready but she did anyway .

 

I'm now worried about my kids. She dose not know this guy no way you can find out about someone in 2 weeks yiu dont know who he is what he is. Like she found out from me that the last guy she was with had a daughter he never told her about with his ex wife.

 

Anyway what are your thoughts or input?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You, unfortunately, can't control anything she does with regard to introducing her new man to the kids too soon. It sucks, but it is what it is.

 

What difference does it make if he's rebound or not? She clearly isn't someone who is down for long-term commitment. If I were you I'd resolve right now to never take her back or be "parents with benefits" again unless you want to constantly get your heart broken and be wondering what she's thinking and feeling.

[BaileyB]

As im sure you are aware, you have absolutely no say or control over who she chooses to date. The best you can do is express your concern for your children's well being if she is introducing these men to your children before the relationship is established and secure.

 

I would suggest caution however, in calling the mother of your children a "slut." That's not a respectful term for any woman, particularly the woman with whom you chose to have three children. A woman has the right to enter into a relationship and/or have sex with a man without being called a "slut." That kind of language, reflects on your character. Just, be cautious with your words - especially around your children...

[Vanity1]

Looks like you are the rebound guy.

[Ltdan459]

Looks like you are the rebound guy.

 

Wow never heard an ex be a rebound of the rebound before.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, you do know these are not the two choices out there.

 

Or was I the rebound after the rebound?

 

Or is she just a slut?

 

And you know you're indicting yourself by writing that second option, right? You married her presumably without a gun to your head ... What does that say about your judgment if you married a such and such ... And she's the mother of your children ... Dude, children will violently hate a parent who says something like that about their mother.

 

And to top it off, that option is just plain-old dumb, offensive and dumb.

 

Clearly she has some deep emptiness and can't be alone and single and in her own company ... Just attended a funeral of a guy who moved from woman to woman ... there would never be breaks between his four marriages ... Lots of people are like that ... And she probably was like this when you were with her. Started dating you shortly after breaking up with someone else.

 

Just do your best as dad ... you can't control her ... And her dating is not your business really.

Edited May 25, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Ltdan459]

So some of you may now my story on some of the forms here about the situation with my ex. You ex of 8 years 3 kids she keeps coming back jut to break my Hart again. That one.

 

Anyway I'm a 27 year old single father of 3 wonderfull children and it's been a little over 2 years since my ex mother of my children left me and 10 months of on and off FWB with her.

 

So after geting some advice from here and from friends and family and co workers I think it's time to move on and oh I don't know start dating again.

 

I look at my ex and she she gets guys real quick but noticed they just use her for sex and these guys are guys with no kids and wonder well who would date or even get in a relationship with me and that I have 3 kids.

 

Part of me wants to date part of me dosnt.

 

The part that dose wants someone to find someone I could have a relationship with and be happy and accepts me for who I am and my children. And I don't want to be alone for to long because when the kids arntwith me I'm depressed sad it's quiet and alone. Also yea I have needs and well you know sex I have never been with anyone other then my ex and even after the split we were FWB but that grew into something more but yea that didn't work out and I don't want to even use her as a booty call just because yea.

 

The part that dosnt well for starters I always put my children first no matter what I'm not like their mom who would put them to the back of the line. I have been taking care of my children most of the time even thoe we have 50/50 I have had them on their mom's days and don't want to take attention away from them. They need me more then ever since the separation.

 

2 after their my ex cheated on me and then latter just breadcrumbed/use/booty call/ lied and so on I feel it's hard to trust anyone. My Hart was broken 2 times by my ex and I'm afraid to get it broken again by someone else.

 

3 like I said before I never been with anyone else me and my ex were each others first everything so I don't even know how to date. And it's not like high school anymore so I don't even know were to start. I have an eharmany account some dating apps and no luck yea I do state I have children I feel it's wrong to not state that upfront I'm not like my ex. But I also feel it scars women off. I notice the photos I put up are of me and my kids or should it just be me and I state that I have kids or should I just hide that and then bring it up latter?

 

4 who would date someone my age and 3 kids? I don't mind dating single mothers but even with them I have no luck.

 

Mabye I look ugly fat I received a lot of put downs while I was with my ex and even after so low self of steam.

 

5 I don't think I ready yea 10 moths ago before I hooked up with my ex when I was over her you could say I was ready. I had time to grive cope heal accept loneliness but stupid me let my ex suck me back in now I'm at step 1.

 

And no I will not be going back to my ex I'm not going to be her fall back or her booty call someone she could use.

Edited May 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed link.

[preraph]

Well, you could find someone, but you're not ready for that yet. First you have to be done with your ex. Ain't no new woman got time for that. Seriously. Get past her before you date. She may ramp up the attention seeking once you do date, too, so you have to be really done and over her. May take some time.

 

But once you have your house in order, try to find single mothers to date. Don't try to date people without kids. They won't understand the demands. There's plenty of single moms out there looking for a nice man who isn't still carrying a torch or having sex with his ex!!

[Gaeta]

Your story screams *not ready to date*. Dating to fill a void because we hurt when we're alone is a bad idea. No one wants to be used to fill a void.

 

I have dated a man father of 4 children aged from 3 to 16 and he had full custody of them all so yes, some women will date a father.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Agree. You're nowhere close to being ready to date. Perhaps hook up if that's your thing and hers, but not have a relationship. You have a lot of emotional stuff to work through first and like Gaeta said, dating to fill a void is a very bad idea and not fair to the other person.

[alphamale]

If I were a woman I would not date a father of three.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If I were a woman I would not date a father of three.

 

I also would not date a father of three little ones at this stage in my life, but I'm 45 with two teens nearing the finish line. If I were in my twenties/early thirties and also was divorced with kids I'd probably consider it.

[Purrrfect]

You have 3 young kids I have no idea why you would even want to date right now. You are young. Your kids are young. Your kids are confused as hell and they don’t want to see you or Mom with other people.

 

But no. I would not date a guy with 3 young kids. Just because is foolishly dating and bringing other people around your kids doesn’t mean you should.

[Ltdan459]

You have 3 young kids I have no idea why you would even want to date right now. You are young. Your kids are young. Your kids are confused as hell and they don’t want to see you or Mom with other people.

 

But no. I would not date a guy with 3 young kids. Just because is foolishly dating and bringing other people around your kids doesn’t mean you should.

 

I just saying on the Monday's and Tuesdays or alternated weekends would do the dating thing just I don't know what to do. I'm also not in a herry to get into a relationship just yet just want to date but also asked the question about relationships. No I would not bring a new girl around my kids to soon it would have to be a while mabye a year after knowing them but would also have her sit down if she wouldn't mind with my ex not that she needs approval but idk it's sounds like th right thing to do.