Scared to call my guy best friend

[Malin889]

I used to work with this guy and we were best buds. He started liking me, sending me gifts, he was very sweet. He moved away and started working from another state (he could because of his job) and I still worked in our office. He sent me gifts and always initiated contact and always asked me out when he came into town.

 

We became great friends. Anyway, I stopped working at our office about 6 months ago. I had a tough time with our boss, and he was very supportive and has been a great friend since I left. I even saw him when he came to town a few months ago and we had a great time, he took me out to dinner— it was fun.

 

But since then we haven’t talked much. We’ve texted but not called, but only texted rarely. I’m not sure what Happened but I want to call him, but keep chickening out and I’m not sure why. I’m sure everything will be fine if i call him. Can people tell me it’ll be ok to call him? He’s really become by bff over the years and i miss his chats.

Edited August 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Are you male or female? Are you interested in him romantically or as a BFF? I can't really tell.

Edited August 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Malin889]

Female. And no, just as a friend.

[snowboy91]

I'm going to take a punt and say that you're worried that he wants something more than just a friendship, and you don't want to give him the wrong impression? Given this guy is sending you gifts I'm certainly getting the idea he wants a relationship.

 

If you know that all you want is a friendship, then that's a firm boundary that you need to set and maintain when you're around this guy. I used to feel the same way about a lot of my female friends, but once you get comfortable in the friendship, it becomes really obvious to both people that there isn't more than a friendship there.

 

You should definitely call him, hang out with him and enjoy his company but if he makes a move, have your script ready.

[d0nnivain]

I would not call him. Men don't send their buddies gifts or take them out to dinner. This man wants to date you. You only want to be his friend. He stopped called & decreased communication because he finally grew sick of getting rejected & shot down. He has zero interest in being friendzoned. If you are connected on social media, you can stay connected, perhaps send a Christmas card & a birthday card but otherwise leave the poor guy alone. Your friendship is kind of torture because he wants more.

[Malin889]

I would not mind being more than friends with him, but what if he doesn’t want that with me? What if there is another reason we haven’t spoken. I guess I’m just scared.

[Malin889]

I always find a way to talk myself out of it.

[maxi105]

hey there Malin, just a mega quick one from me as im pushed for time. text him. you used to text him before so why not text him back again;

 

 

I think though you also need to be honest about what you do want with him; and as has already been said in the replies - be fair and set bounderies if you feel that they may help him if you don't want more and you think he does.

 

 

maybe he can accept a friendship maybe he cant? who knows...but only he can tell you that really as he knows you and how things have gone on or are now for him.

 

 

but yeah, send that message over to him and see how it goes. if you send a text it'll be less intrusive than calling and not knowing what to say or saying the wrong thing etc.

 

 

keep it light and suggest going for a coffee or something then its up to him.

 

 

good luck (and welcome back loveshack and the folks on the shack, its sure good to be back) haha.

 

 

best wishes, and hopefully he will be glad you took the initiative.

 

 

(just prepare for things maybe to have moved since you last got together, but you wont know unless you make that contact). so just go for it, you wont know any other way.

 

 

good luck. maxi

[preraph]

The other reason he might gift you besides attraction is 1) if he's gay 2)if you're an influential person within the company. But yes, usually that is a romantic play.

 

Hey, I see no reason not to call him. He might have a girlfriend now and simply moved on. But if so, you can catch up on that. Since you're okay with either friendship or dating, you should call him and say, "You got time to catch up? Something reminded me of you and I realized we haven't talked in awhile."

 

Just do it. If he was crushing but is now moved where he can't do anything about it, he may have just started pursuing other women but that wouldn't mean he doesn't at all care about you anymore.

 

Also, he's been sending you gifts. You could always reciprocate and surprise him by mailing him one.

[d0nnivain]

Malin889

If he is your friend he won't intentionally hurt you. Pick up the phone & tell him you miss him. Ask when he's coming back to town. Offer to treat him this time. Act like you want to be kissed at the end of the night. He'll get the message.

[coolheadal]

You just his friend, but it looks like he want more than friendship. But you made it clear you are just friends with no interest in going beyond that point. If you don't call him up he won't know if you wanted to be real bf and gf? Call if you want if you don't call then move on and forget this friend.

[JuneL]

I vote for texting him first to warm things up and get a feel of his "standing". If his response is positive, then you can ask if he'd like to chat on the phone to catch up and/or ask when he'll be in town again, tell him you'd like to meet up and it's your turn to treat.

 

I'm curious though: What excuses did he use to send you those gifts? Were those for your birthday or for the holidays? Did you reciprocate?

[Malin889]

Thank you everyone for the great advice!

 

We texted about a month ago (It was his birthday) and everything was ok. We texted back and forth for a few days. And then I kind of just let the conversation drop off. He texted me last and he didn't ask me a question or anything, so it seemed as if the conversation had run its course so I just let it drop off. So I was thinking that calling would be the next best step so we could really catch up because it's hard to catch up via text. We always have good phone conversations, so I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. I feel like I've built it up too much in my head.

 

As for the gifts June, one gift was, he says, for helping him with all this stuff at work, but he sent me these really nice chocolates from this small place near his house, and he sent them to my house, not to work, which to me, makes it not work-related. Then the other one was a Christmas/New Years gift. Again, to my house. Yes, I've sent him food (he's a guy and likes his food) on a couple of occasions.

 

I just need to stop thinking about it and just do it, before it's too late!

[Malin889]

You just his friend, but it looks like he want more than friendship. But you made it clear you are just friends with no interest in going beyond that point. If you don't call him up he won't know if you wanted to be real bf and gf? Call if you want if you don't call then move on and forget this friend.

 

Thank you, this is great advice.

[Malin889]

The other reason he might gift you besides attraction is 1) if he's gay 2)if you're an influential person within the company. But yes, usually that is a romantic play.

 

Hey, I see no reason not to call him. He might have a girlfriend now and simply moved on. But if so, you can catch up on that. Since you're okay with either friendship or dating, you should call him and say, "You got time to catch up? Something reminded me of you and I realized we haven't talked in awhile."

 

Just do it. If he was crushing but is now moved where he can't do anything about it, he may have just started pursuing other women but that wouldn't mean he doesn't at all care about you anymore.

 

Also, he's been sending you gifts. You could always reciprocate and surprise him by mailing him one.

 

Thank you for the advice. I will call him! And I'll say something like, something reminded me of you... something did remind me of him yesterday, I should have called but I didn't cause I was with my daughter. Again, that's me finding an excuse not to call lol!

[preraph]

Good! You know, when texts fizzle, it is usually for one of a million reasons. Like he's in the middle of his favorite tv show, or he's just finally succeeded in getting his mother to quit texting and is fried, or he's got a million things to do and places to be. Texting is the most easily misunderstood way to communicate. Just try to think of a good time and then call him. Good luck.

[Malin889]

Update: So I finally called him. Called, not texted. He had come to town last week, I knew through a friend of mine. I knew he had come to town, but I knew he'd only be here for a few days at a busy conference. I just called, not to meet up with him but just to catch up because it had been forever since we caught up. I left a voice message, at at time I figured he'd be in meetings. ( I know, cowardly) Anyway, I left a message, just said I wanted to catch up sometime (nothing about meeting up while he was in town). I haven't heard back. It's been a few days.

 

I know he's been travelling a lot for work, and I believe is at another conference this week. (its a heavy time of year for my old work), but he's never not responded before. He usually calls me before I call him and ALWAYS responds within minutes or the hour, if I call. Should I take it personally? Or is it just him being busy? Or is it just because it's been months since we've chatted that he may think it's going to be awkward?

 

Or perhaps he was just busy at the conference and forgot to call back? Do people forget to call their friends back? :-(

[marky00]

I think he just ran out of steam. He obviously likes/liked you but nobody wants to bang their head against a wall forever.

 

The pattern has been created and he became tired of it. It's up to you to show him another pattern can form.

 

It's not fair on him for you to "check in" to see where he is at and where he stands. The only way this situation changes/improves is for you to convey to him where you are and where you stand.

 

Leaving a voice message (especially during work time) was not a good play. That's just going to push him away further. Your showing him the same old pattern from the past. And what does catch up mean? For all he knows, he thinks you just mean text or have a phone call. "Catching up" is pretty vague. Leaving a voicemail just added to the confusion.

 

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Edited July 31, 2018 by marky00

[Malin889]

I think he just ran out of steam. He obviously likes/liked you but nobody wants to bang their head against a wall forever.

 

The pattern has been created and he became tired of it. It's up to you to show him another pattern can form.

 

It's not fair on him for you to "check in" to see where he is at and where he stands. The only way this situation changes/improves is for you to convey to him where you are and where you stand.

 

Leaving a voice message (especially during work time) was not a good play. That's just going to push him away further. Your showing him the same old pattern from the past. And what does catch up mean? For all he knows, he thinks you just mean text or have a phone call. "Catching up" is pretty vague. Leaving a voicemail just added to the confusion.

 

.

 

Marky, I truly mean it, thank you for your advice! What is the first step in this pattern? Call him on the a weekend night? I have this 2nd job interview tomorrow and I know he'd be excited for me if I get this job because it's in a field he loves - maybe try to call tomorrow if it goes well? Is it desperate to call yet again within a week? Look at me saying is it desperate to call a friend!

[marky00]

I don't know how to advise until it becomes obvious who is the more emotionally invested.

 

Given this guy has been sending you gifts and giving you attention for months, he gave up and now your posting saying you want more. Just makes it tricky to figure out what the relationship dynamic is now.

 

It happens on this site a lot. A poster creates a thread called "dumper's regret" and starts out saying how they regret dumping someone. Most of us initially assume the dumpee was the more invested (which is the more common scenario). But as the thread develops, we find out that OP only dumped because they could no longer handle being the partner who cared more. Just because someone officially dumps doesn't always mean they cared less.

 

I know this is a "friendship" we are talking about but the same rules apply since it's fair to say that both of you at one point have flirted with the idea of this being more than a friendship.

 

Take a good look inside yourself and the situation. After doing that, you should have a hunch as to where he might stand and where you stand. It's hard to give advise right now because I don't know if he's hurt, if he's moved on and most importantly I don't know where you stand exactly and what you want.

 

I realise sometimes we don't know what we want and thus sit on the fence but I think he is sending a message to you that the situation of the past can longer be. He doesn't want wishy washy anymore. But as long as you haven't totally ruled out in your head there being more than a friendship, then its ok to contact him. If deep down, you can only see it being a friendship, then contacting him is just insulting.

Edited July 31, 2018 by marky00

[Whodatdog]

He may also be involved with someone else now.

[Malin889]

He may also be involved with someone else now.

 

Yes, but he dated someone before and has always called me, he always kept in touch. This feels different. Like I did something wrong.

[Malin889]

I don't know how to advise until it becomes obvious who is the more emotionally invested.

 

Given this guy has been sending you gifts and giving you attention for months, he gave up and now your posting saying you want more. Just makes it tricky to figure out what the relationship dynamic is now.

 

It happens on this site a lot. A poster creates a thread called "dumper's regret" and starts out saying how they regret dumping someone. Most of us initially assume the dumpee was the more invested (which is the more common scenario). But as the thread develops, we find out that OP only dumped because they could no longer handle being the partner who cared more. Just because someone officially dumps doesn't always mean they cared less.

 

I know this is a "friendship" we are talking about but the same rules apply since it's fair to say that both of you at one point have flirted with the idea of this being more than a friendship.

 

Take a good look inside yourself and the situation. After doing that, you should have a hunch as to where he might stand and where you stand. It's hard to give advise right now because I don't know if he's hurt, if he's moved on and most importantly I don't know where you stand exactly and what you want.

 

I realise sometimes we don't know what we want and thus sit on the fence but I think he is sending a message to you that the situation of the past can longer be. He doesn't want wishy washy anymore. But as long as you haven't totally ruled out in your head there being more than a friendship, then its ok to contact him. If deep down, you can only see it being a friendship, then contacting him is just insulting.

 

I'm all in. But I don't know if he is. I figured he'd be happy to want to hear from me after a few months but maybe not! I'd be happy to hear from him.

[preraph]

You know, guys seem to lose interest quicker long distance than women do. It's like "out of sight, out of mind." They're so visual. Plus he's been doing the dance like others said and may have just finally said, I don't even live in the same town anymore, time to let this go.

 

Plus I just bet he's either got a new girlfriend or has his eye on one there locally. He didn't respond, so I don't know that I would recontact him unless he does. I mean, it might not be real soon, but if he wants to maintain the friendship, he will surely at least text back. I don't think I'd chase him if he doesn't. You are long distance after all, so a relationship isn't really possible anymore. Sad, but true.

[Lotsgoingon]

I would not mind being more than friends with him, but what if he doesn’t want that with me? What if there is another reason we haven’t spoken. I guess I’m just scared.

 

This is the problem right here.

I would NOT MIND being more than friends with him.

 

That's as evasive and as wish-washy as one can get. Imagine myself saying, "Hey Mary, I like you. I wouldn't mind being more than friends with you."

 

I expect "Mary" or any self-respecting person will tell me where I can put and shove my "not minding."

 

The problem here is that you know he's interested and you're into the energy of his interest, but you want to pretend you don't know he's interested and you want to pretend you don't like the flirtatious energy of his interest and the flattery involved.

 

This is an emotional and dishonest mess--dishonest with him and dishonest with you yourself. How would you feel if you sent a guy a bunch of gifts and stayed in touch with him and he just talked to you as a friend?

 

If you'd like to date him, then you will need to make that clear to him ... It seems you delayed in letting him know his gifts were appreciated in a way a romantic partner would appreciate gifts.

 

My sense: he's sanely let go of the hope of being with you ... and he's smartly not prioritizing calling you. Where has calling you gotten him? Nowhere that he wants to be. He's most likely in the process of letting go of all hope of dating you ... and toward that end, very smart to not return someone's call.

 

So let's recap. You haven't done anything wrong ... You are just coming up against the reality: it's really hard being friends with people who want to be more than friends ... Really hard ... And if you're the person who is the target of greater affection, you have to know that the other person at some point is likely to pull back out of sanity and self-protection.

 

What I don't get is why you're blinding yourself to this pretty straightforward reality. If people are to be friends, it usually takes a period of time in between in which the interest of the rejected partner settles down ... and the two people can create a sustainable friendship.

 

You seem to be saying you didn't really reject him. So did you accidentally reject him?