Parents mad at me for thinking of moving out...ever

[JustGettingBy]

I'm 26, all my debts paid off, have over 40k in the bank, do my own chores (laundry, cooking, etc.), have my driver's licence, work 40 hours a week and am getting interviews for jobs that pay 40-50k per year. Most of my friends, who are in worse or equal situations have all moved out.

 

I said a few months ago that I hope to be out soon, and it erupted into an hour and a half long argument over how this was 'stupid' and 'irresponsible' because I don't have a reason to move out, and my mom even brought up "I hope you aren't planning on moving out any time soon" in a passive aggressive way even yesterday. I know for a fact that this is a huge hamper on my dating prospects and social life, but there's no way either of them would believe me. They both lived with parents up until they married each other (my aunts and uncles can confirm this, and since my grandparents are all dead, I can't ask them) so they give me the "the right girl will understand" and "anyone who judges you for it isn't really your friend" mentality, which I know will get less and less true every year. I recently helped a friend move out (my age) and when I told my parents, my dad asked about a dozen questions as to "why would he do that?" not understanding that my friend simply wants independence (my friend's situation isn't overly relevant, but my dad's reaction is relevant).

 

My parents also point to relatives in their 30's and even 40's still living at home despite being able to move out (Italian family on both sides, so this is pretty much the norm) and say I should be more like these relatives (I love these relatives, and they would all be able to function on their own, but I simply don't want the stigma). I know that legally I could up and leave if I really wanted to, but my parents, especially my mom, would be emotionally devastated to the point of negative mental health issues, and I would feel really bad if I made a decision that made my mom get therapy (at this point, I would like to say that my parents overall have done a good job of being parents, but this one issue is pressing for me personally). I feel I only have another few years before the stigma becomes to much for me to handle.

 

Any advice?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm not Italian, but..... I think your parents will live. They should be PROUD of you for wanting to be independent!!

[Happy Lemming]

You're 26?? Seriously, you are 26 and still living at home??

 

Time to fly little birdie...

 

Leave the nest...

[FilterCoffee]

I know the feeling OP. In my culture it’s very similar. Have you considered looking for jobs outside your city? Your parents would be more understanding if they knew you were leaving for better career prospects.

[Els]

My parents had the same reaction.

 

Several years down the road, I still think moving out was one of the best decisions I ever made. I'm pretty sure you will too. Also, I still have a pretty good relationship with my parents once they got over it. They'll get mad, sure, but the madness will subside. You gotta live your life for you.

 

You aren't "making" your mum get therapy. If her mental health is in such dire straits that she cannot mentally handle a 26-yo son moving out, she needs help regardless of what you do.

 

One piece of advice, though, your reasons for moving out are somewhat questionable. Sure it will help you in dating, but that shouldn't be your main reason. Obviously, if this is the reason you give your parents, they have an easy rebuttal for it. The reason should be that you need to learn to be more independent because it's a normal part of adulthood and personal growth, and your parents aren't going to be around forever to take care of you (and yes, if you are living under their roof they ARE taking care of you to an extent, regardless of how much you earn or whether you do your own laundry or not). Any parent who cares about their child will worry about how the child will fare when they die - a more favourable outcome in this regard might help them see the light.

Edited May 19, 2018 by Elswyth

[d0nnivain]

The job of parents is to raise, happy confident independent children. Your parents will miss you but that is no reason to stay. At some point women will not want to date you if you still live at home.

[amaysngrace]

Bring home a dog, a BIG one. Maybe they'll change their minds.

[preraph]

Your parents are living in the dark ages. It's your life. It's NOT normal to be living with your parents once you don't have to. You can't even fully mature until you are out from under your parents. Part of becoming an adult is not letting your parents tell you what to do.

 

Tell them they had their own life to live as they wanted and not you're going to live yours and that it's not up to them, and move out. Unless you're super social, I recommend moving into a small inexpensive place alone so you can really develop yourself without outside infuences. Good luck. If you have to move out of town to get them out of your business, do.

[JustGettingBy]

My parents had the same reaction.

 

Several years down the road, I still think moving out was one of the best decisions I ever made. I'm pretty sure you will too. Also, I still have a pretty good relationship with my parents once they got over it. They'll get mad, sure, but the madness will subside. You gotta live your life for you.

 

You aren't "making" your mum get therapy. If her mental health is in such dire straits that she cannot mentally handle a 26-yo son moving out, she needs help regardless of what you do.

 

One piece of advice, though, your reasons for moving out are somewhat questionable. Sure it will help you in dating, but that shouldn't be your main reason. Obviously, if this is the reason you give your parents, they have an easy rebuttal for it. The reason should be that you need to learn to be more independent because it's a normal part of adulthood and personal growth, and your parents aren't going to be around forever to take care of you (and yes, if you are living under their roof they ARE taking care of you to an extent, regardless of how much you earn or whether you do your own laundry or not). Any parent who cares about their child will worry about how the child will fare when they die - a more favourable outcome in this regard might help them see the light.

 

I'll try explaining it from that stand point, thanks.

 

I know the feeling OP. In my culture it’s very similar. Have you considered looking for jobs outside your city? Your parents would be more understanding if they knew you were leaving for better career prospects.

 

I'll have to be careful where (a lot of cities near each other vary greatly in their cost of living, but if I find a job in a place with a low cost of living, they'd be more likely to see it my way).

[preraph]

They don't need to see it your way. It's your life, not theirs. Do what's best for you.

[BettyDraper]

I completely understand the cultural nuances of your situation.

 

Italians expect their children to stay home until marriage and save up to buy homes.

Renting is frowned upon. Your parents likely expect you to marry another first generation Italian who will also stay home until she becomes your wife. This all ties into how family oriented Italians are.

 

I sympathize with your hesitation because I'm sure that you don't want to hurt your mother. People who say that you can do whatever you want at your age just aren't mindful of cultural expectations. In the end, you will need to decide if it is more important to do what you wish or please your parents. Remember that you are the one who has to live with the choices you make.

[Happy Lemming]

I've been reading about the 30 year old man "Michael Rotondo" that refuses to leave his parents' home, and how they had to go before a judge to get an eviction.

 

WOW!! I'm quite taken back by his nerve and how he thinks he is a victim and deserves more time at home. He has been there, as an adult, for 8 years.

 

Those poor parents...

[JustGettingBy]

I completely understand the cultural nuances of your situation.

 

Italians expect their children to stay home until marriage and save up to buy homes.

Renting is frowned upon. Your parents likely expect you to marry another first generation Italian who will also stay home until she becomes your wife. This all ties into how family oriented Italians are.

 

I sympathize with your hesitation because I'm sure that you don't want to hurt your mother. People who say that you can do whatever you want at your age just aren't mindful of cultural expectations. In the end, you will need to decide if it is more important to do what you wish or please your parents. Remember that you are the one who has to live with the choices you make.

 

Thanks for understanding and explaining it to others in one post. My explanation was based on the assumption that this was general knowledge, guess I was wrong. Although there's plenty of condo buildings in my city near some places that I could get a living wage job in my field. "This place I can afford to buy is a 5 minute walk from work", sounds like another argument I could make, if its true.

 

 

They don't need to see it your way. It's your life, not theirs. Do what's best for you.

 

True, but I don't want to put up with passive-aggressive and/or smothering behavior from them and extended family during each family event for the rest of my parents' lives. It'd be a crappy way to spend so many Christmases, Easters, etc.

[Els]

People who say that you can do whatever you want at your age just aren't mindful of cultural expectations.

 

 

I'm from a culture where this is expected, too. IMO, you only get one life. Living it in misery mindlessly following cultural expectations is a surefire way to waste it.

[Tearknee]

I think you have earned the right to move out and be on your own. You seem like a really responsible young lady who is set to take on this journey. Also moving out on your own will give you the insight of doing all things on your own like paying bills and fixing things that break in the home. I know for me when I moved out from my parents home I learned so much more about life.

 

The thing is you are an adult and your parents need to respect that in the end.

[BettyDraper]

I'm from a culture where this is expected, too. IMO, you only get one life. Living it in misery mindlessly following cultural expectations is a surefire way to waste it.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. I simply wanted to provide context for the members who don't understand why the OP is hesitant to move out.

[anika99]

I can't relate because I came from a family where the norm was to leave home while still in the teen years. My mom left home at 18, her sister left at 19. I left home at 16. My own sons left home at 18 and 19yrs. When the 19yr told me he was going to move I was like "awww...that's so sad, I really wish you weren't leaving" as I was packing his suitcases and making plans for his room....lol.

 

All I can say is that if you wait for your parents to give you their blessing, it will never happen. If your mom is laying at guilt trip on you now, she'll still be laying that guilt trip on you 10yrs from now. The only way out of this is to move and be ready to face their meltdown. They will get over it.

[fredflint]

I'm 26, all my debts paid off, have over 40k in the bank, do my own chores (laundry, cooking, etc.), have my driver's licence, work 40 hours a week and am getting interviews for jobs that pay 40-50k per year. Most of my friends, who are in worse or equal situations have all moved out.

 

I said a few months ago that I hope to be out soon, and it erupted into an hour and a half long argument over how this was 'stupid' and 'irresponsible' because I don't have a reason to move out, and my mom even brought up "I hope you aren't planning on moving out any time soon" in a passive aggressive way even yesterday. I know for a fact that this is a huge hamper on my dating prospects and social life, but there's no way either of them would believe me. They both lived with parents up until they married each other (my aunts and uncles can confirm this, and since my grandparents are all dead, I can't ask them) so they give me the "the right girl will understand" and "anyone who judges you for it isn't really your friend" mentality, which I know will get less and less true every year. I recently helped a friend move out (my age) and when I told my parents, my dad asked about a dozen questions as to "why would he do that?" not understanding that my friend simply wants independence (my friend's situation isn't overly relevant, but my dad's reaction is relevant).

 

My parents also point to relatives in their 30's and even 40's still living at home despite being able to move out (Italian family on both sides, so this is pretty much the norm) and say I should be more like these relatives (I love these relatives, and they would all be able to function on their own, but I simply don't want the stigma). I know that legally I could up and leave if I really wanted to, but my parents, especially my mom, would be emotionally devastated to the point of negative mental health issues, and I would feel really bad if I made a decision that made my mom get therapy (at this point, I would like to say that my parents overall have done a good job of being parents, but this one issue is pressing for me personally). I feel I only have another few years before the stigma becomes to much for me to handle.

 

Any advice?

 

Part of becoming an adult is learning to live your own Truth regardless of the views of other people, that includes your family. Yet a mature and responsible adult still tries to do so in a pro-social and compassionate way.

[Miss Clavel]

just tell your parents you will try to live as close to them as possible. tell them that you will have meals with them and all the holidays and they can visit you.

 

you are moving. not leaving.

 

 

 

it's not the end is my point.

 

let them know that.

 

fly

[whichwayisup]

This is your life, and if you want to move out and can afford it, do it! Italian culture or not, it's time for you to spread your wings and go. Your parents should be proud of you, not holding you back and being upset that you want to go be independent!

[ElKay]

I'm 27 and still live with my parents, but even if they're very reticent about me moving out of their "safe nest", they know I have to do it some day... I'm saving money up to buy a condo!

 

What's helped me (and I don't know if this could potentially help you in your discussions with your parents, but maybe?) is that when I move out, I plan to still stay in the neighborhood. I'd be about 15-20 minutes walk away or a couple minutes by car. This would mean that I could always be close enough to help them out or vice versa, while still having my own place and independence.

Maybe this is something that would help them?

 

Regardless, move out if you feel like you are ready! They'll forgive you eventually, even if you don't need their forgiveness about this.