Anyone left a marriage out of boredom?

[littleblackheart]

Yes, I feel like this is a perfect opportunity to say, "the grass is not greener on the other side."

 

In fairness, it sometimes is greener .

 

My situation was easy as it was straightforward abuse but it still took me 3 years of toing and froing to finally leave.

 

Here it's not as straightforward but it's still painful, I imagine. A good person would feel guilty considering leaving an otherwise comfortable long-term marriage for something like that.

 

The truth is that it has an effect on your self-worth as a spouse. If there are feelings, you struggle with the idea of hurting your spouse's feelings in saying what is, to you, so obvious you shouldn't need to talk about it.

 

The problem is that spouses aren't mind-readers, or they are sometimes in denial; that's why most people need to be verbally told what the problem is.

 

If you've already decided you're staying in the marriage anyway I can see why you would want to skip the conversation altogether and try to rationalise the problem so as not to rock the boat.

 

I've seen it a lot throughout the years with couples around me - it ends up with cheating or with a constant, low-grade kind of pressure cooker situation, or with one of the spouses accepting the situation and entirely giving up on their own fulfillment to preserve the marriage.

 

The other thing is that once it's out there, it can go either way: your spouse validates your feelings and meets you half-way, or they don't and you're back to square one but now your spouse knows you're not satisfied.

Edited May 28, 2018 by littleblackheart

[ICEMAN69]

You guys are in a rut, but in my opinion, none of this is divorce-worthy. How many conversations have the two of you had about this rut you are in? Do you think she's up for reigniting the flame? The things you mention being aggravated with are all very valid. I would hope she'd want to work on them. The attachment to phone and television should be an easy fix!

 

It may very well not be worthy of divorce. I of course realize that, and have given it quite a bit of consideration, but I also have always told myself if my marriage becomes one of those that begins to seem like two strangers passing in the night, I'm out. I'd much rather live alone and date than live that way. It's not quite at that point, but it seems like it's turned the corner and is headed in that direction.

 

If I asked her, she'd probably say she thinks the flame is still there. But again, her actions would suggest otherwise. But then my idea of a flame in a relationship and hers are probably not quite the same.

 

Today for instance I suggested we watch a movie that I'd saved since we didn't have any holiday plans for Memorial Day. She acknowledged that would be fine. We got through a couple of minor household chores and then she sat down in the same room I was in looking at her smart phone for about an hour. Then she up and disappeared to watch a TV on another level of our home. So it kind of leaves me thinking she'd rather be by herself most of the time.

 

It's not like I need to spend every waking minute with my wife. I'm fairly independent and like doing things that don't always include her and she's the same way. But it seems like when we do have the time together she opts for other things to do. So it feels less like we're a couple and more like we're two people who live together and occasionally do things together.

[ICEMAN69]

That makes total sense that you would want to consider your options, though I would say accommodating yourself with feeling invisible to your spouse doesn't sound like fun - a bit like preparing yourself for the single life all the while being married.

 

In terms of there being a more compatible partner, sure there may be a better match for the person that you are now somewhere; it would be a leap into the unknown to leave what you have now in order to actually find them, though. Talking to your spouse about how you're feeling can't hurt, right?

 

 

Yeah, I hear you. Makes sense.

 

As others in my situation would say, there are no guarantees and the grass isn't always greener.

 

I could sit her down and talk to her at any point sure. But the primary issues that keeps me from doing that at the moment is that I've noted a pattern over the years when I've brought up concerns, she's good at acknowledging them and then changing some things for the short term, only to return to the same patterns / behaviors she's always had. To tell her that I feel her activity level is getting dangerously low and that her addiction to her smart phone is causing the "us" in us to take a backseat would likely bring about an acknowledgement of change and she'd be right back to her old self in no time. She can't sustain any type of positive exercise change, that's been her pattern for over 20 years. So then I risk becoming more frustrated and more distant because of the same old repeated behaviors. I've kind of been down this road in several areas of her life.

[ICEMAN69]

Yes, I feel like this is a perfect opportunity to say, "the grass is not greener on the other side."

 

I agree Cautious.

 

No disagreement from me. That may very well be the case and I'm well aware of it.

 

I think the problem that people like myself and others have is we're in a marriage or a relationship that we know has the potential to be an 8+ on a 0-10 scale. But we end up settling for a marriage that's somewhere between a 4 and a 6.

 

No, things aren't awful. But there's this reality festering within us that things could be a lot better if our partners weren't so oddly complacent to settle for a mediocre marriage.

 

And that's the problem. Our partners are often content and perfectly happy existing in a marriage of mediocrity while we're striving to get more out of the relationship. It could be more companionship, more acknowledgement, more communication, more sex. If you ask anyone in our situation, those are just some of the issues that commonly come up.

 

So to circle back to your comment, yep, I agree that the grass is definitely not always greener. And I further acknowledge that even considering leaving my relationship with my wife may very well be a mistake. But if I had a crystal ball and I could look 10 years into the future and I saw that things are pretty much the same or worse, yeah, I'd rather take my chances and move on right now.

 

Now if I can just find someone to lend me a crystal ball.

[ICEMAN69]

Yes. I think it usually starts as escaping, but then grows into an addiction. There's nothing wrong with pointing it out and requesting a change, though. I find it hard to believe that anyone in a loving relationship would not be willing to do this for their partner (put the phone down) unless there's some other resentment/avoidance going on. Heck, I do it for my mother because I know how much it bothers her when my sis is constantly on my phone. I'm very aware of it and want her to feel like I'm present when we are together. (I don't have a romantic partner) It's really just a matter of respect for the other person.

 

Yeah, I'm a bit old fashioned about cell phones in general. I try to let them ring if I'm talking to someone or ignore them because I prioritize my face to face conversations, and anything else can wait. That's just good manners.

[ICEMAN69]

My husband is so addicted to gaming, I’ve had heart to heart talks about it with him so many times over the years. It really makes my heart hurt because it’s hard to even have a conversation with him. I can just feel when I talk to him, he just wants to get back to gaming on his phone. I’m not trying to toot my own horn but I have been an exceptional wife to him and have been extremely patient over the years. I miss him, the communication and intimacy we once had. Ever since he got a smart phone it’s been downhill from there. I’m ready to check out but so hard to throw away 20+ years, especially when your married to your best friend and deep down you love and care for that person. I so understand Iceman’s frustrations.

 

That's largely the problem. They say they'll change and they might even do it for a short time, but inevitably they return to their addiction. And even though I haven't addressed the smart phone issue with my wife, I have addressed other things over the years, and that's her pattern. To hit it with a band aide, and then go right back to her old habits within weeks.

 

Maybe I should introduce my wife to your husband TH and they can sit and stare at their smart phones together as a couple.

[ICEMAN69]

It is so difficult and makes home life very lonely, which is why I come to LS, I’ve tried to get into social media or gaming to keep me busy while he spends so much time gaming but it’s not for me. LS helps a lot. When it was gone for that 6 weeks or so, I really got bored:(thank goodness LS is back.

 

Agree. You're living with someone but there's this feeling of loneliness because you realize that you're not really the top interest in your spouses life any longer.

Just keep staying on top of your fitness TH and remember that you're doing it for you and IF that day sadly comes when things fall apart at home, you'll be a real catch! Love has to be a two-way street.

[ICEMAN69]

I don't understand why anyone in a marriages thinks this is OK.

 

My dear, it's not okay, but that's why people like you and I are here on LS. It's much easier to access our current situations when we're able to get a broader spectrum of marriage sampling from people experiencing similar circumstances.

[ICEMAN69]

Thank you for your reply, I love your response and it made me laugh. Your very sweet. I definitely dont want to take away from OP. Sadly op and I are in the same boat with our spouses.

 

TH, you're not taking away from me. I'm happy you're sharing and I'm fine with you posting your details here. Believe it or not, you've helped me by posting some details about your husbands issues with gaming.

[ICEMAN69]

In fairness, it sometimes is greener .

 

My situation was easy as it was straightforward abuse but it still took me 3 years of toing and froing to finally leave.

 

Here it's not as straightforward but it's still painful, I imagine. A good person would feel guilty considering leaving an otherwise comfortable long-term marriage for something like that.

 

The truth is that it has an effect on your self-worth as a spouse. If there are feelings, you struggle with the idea of hurting your spouse's feelings in saying what is, to you, so obvious you shouldn't need to talk about it.

 

The problem is that spouses aren't mind-readers, or they are sometimes in denial; that's why most people need to be verbally told what the problem is.

 

If you've already decided you're staying in the marriage anyway I can see why you would want to skip the conversation altogether and try to rationalise the problem so as not to rock the boat.

 

I've seen it a lot throughout the years with couples around me - it ends up with cheating or with a constant, low-grade kind of pressure cooker situation, or with one of the spouses accepting the situation and entirely giving up on their own fulfillment to preserve the marriage.

 

The other thing is that once it's out there, it can go either way: your spouse validates your feelings and meets you half-way, or they don't and you're back to square one but now your spouse knows you're not satisfied.

 

I have no worries about rocking the boat. As my previous posts have said, she's pretty much a band aide person. Temporary fixes are the way she deals with stuff. It's like her exercise routines. Nothing is long term.

 

I know she senses it hurts me that she's starring at her phone for hours on end. Again, I'm waiting to see if this is a phase and it burns out or if it's going to continue. TreeHugger has been dealing with this for much longer than me. I wouldn't have lasted as long as she has. Kudos to her for having such incredible patience.

 

I have no fear of bringing it up, so don't anyone mistake my resolve. But I want to see if she reins herself in in due time since comparatively this is pretty new to her. I'll know when to have the talk, because the moment will present itself and that's when I'll sit down and we'll have a heart to heart.

[losangelena]

You say you're not afraid to bring it up, but in post #53, you say you tend to avoid drama. Not sure if those two phrases really jive together.

 

Whether you're afraid or not to talk to her, you're ... not talking to her. I know for myself, when I take a "wait and see" approach to something, it generally means I am dragging my feet because I really don't want to address whatever issue I'm "waiting and seeing" about. Besides, it seems like you've tried in the past to bring topics up, but the outcomes of those talks seem to be unsatisfactory, in that real or lasting change doesn't come about. Okay, so sure you're able to "bring things up," but I question if y'all truly know how to communicate with each other, that is, speak to each other in a way that to other truly comprehends. It doesn't sound like it in your situation.

 

As someone who has an office job, and a 45+ minute commute every day, I can tell you that sometimes, all I have the energy to do when I get home is stare at my smartphone or watch Netflix. I don't have a husband, so the only person I'm avoiding when I do that is myself, but I can also tell you that I derive no real pleasure from it; it's just easier than engaging with life, sometimes. Also, I'm sure your wife can sense your displeasure with her smartphone habit, and perhaps withdrawing from you is easier than dealing with whatever feelings of guilt/shame/disappointment she'd have to deal with if a serious conversation were to take place. Shame is generally at the root of avoidance; I'm pretty sure her compulsive social media habit is a symptom of something deeper. Facebook is just not THAT interesting.

 

I dunno. It sounds to me like y'all need a lot of marriage counseling, if only to get you actually talking to each other again (or for the first time). I work with a guy who's in a very similar-sounding marriage. He's told me it was initially based on physical attraction, but in the intervening years, that's waned, and now when he comes home, his wife ignores him, and he spends weekends in his office, on the computer. Or he stays late after work and drinks himself into oblivion. He says he doesn't want to divorce because he's afraid he'd never see his kids. But when I hear him talk about it, I can't help but wonder if, they'd taken action earlier, that they might not be in this predicament.

[littleblackheart]

I have no worries about rocking the boat. As my previous posts have said, she's pretty much a band aide person. Temporary fixes are the way she deals with stuff. It's like her exercise routines. Nothing is long term.

 

I know she senses it hurts me that she's starring at her phone for hours on end. Again, I'm waiting to see if this is a phase and it burns out or if it's going to continue. TreeHugger has been dealing with this for much longer than me. I wouldn't have lasted as long as she has. Kudos to her for having such incredible patience.

 

I have no fear of bringing it up, so don't anyone mistake my resolve. But I want to see if she reins herself in in due time since comparatively this is pretty new to her. I'll know when to have the talk, because the moment will present itself and that's when I'll sit down and we'll have a heart to heart.

 

I don't think it's a question of resolve on your part. Can I ask, though: what does 'in due time' mean to you?

 

Also, it doesn't really matter how green the grass is on the other side if it's never going to be green again on your side, if that makes sense?

 

I'm not an advocate for divorce at all, please don't get me wrong - I stayed for far longer than needed in my marriage despite severe emotional and mental abuse because I was holding onto my vows (I said them, I meant them). Commitment is so important to me that I can't see myself committing again because I've done it once; everything else is bound to be transitory to me, so I get that part.

 

At the same time, I also know how it feels to minimise my pain 'for the greater good', to accept things I shouldn't have to because I'm a 'good partner', waiting for things to change that I have no control over and will likely never change save for a serious shift in the level of communication.

 

 

I know your circumstances are very different to mine but I also know the cost of abnegating your personal fulfillment for the sake of 'waiting and seeing', and I won't do it again (unless it's for my kids). We only have one life. I can't speak for how your wife is feeling and she's not the one posting here, but it would be worth knowing how she feels your marriage is going.

Edited May 28, 2018 by littleblackheart

[ICEMAN69]

You say you're not afraid to bring it up, but in post #53, you say you tend to avoid drama. Not sure if those two phrases really jive together.

 

Whether you're afraid or not to talk to her, you're ... not talking to her. I know for myself, when I take a "wait and see" approach to something, it generally means I am dragging my feet because I really don't want to address whatever issue I'm "waiting and seeing" about. Besides, it seems like you've tried in the past to bring topics up, but the outcomes of those talks seem to be unsatisfactory, in that real or lasting change doesn't come about. Okay, so sure you're able to "bring things up," but I question if y'all truly know how to communicate with each other, that is, speak to each other in a way that to other truly comprehends. It doesn't sound like it in your situation.

 

As someone who has an office job, and a 45+ minute commute every day, I can tell you that sometimes, all I have the energy to do when I get home is stare at my smartphone or watch Netflix. I don't have a husband, so the only person I'm avoiding when I do that is myself, but I can also tell you that I derive no real pleasure from it; it's just easier than engaging with life, sometimes. Also, I'm sure your wife can sense your displeasure with her smartphone habit, and perhaps withdrawing from you is easier than dealing with whatever feelings of guilt/shame/disappointment she'd have to deal with if a serious conversation were to take place. Shame is generally at the root of avoidance; I'm pretty sure her compulsive social media habit is a symptom of something deeper. Facebook is just not THAT interesting.

 

I dunno. It sounds to me like y'all need a lot of marriage counseling, if only to get you actually talking to each other again (or for the first time). I work with a guy who's in a very similar-sounding marriage. He's told me it was initially based on physical attraction, but in the intervening years, that's waned, and now when he comes home, his wife ignores him, and he spends weekends in his office, on the computer. Or he stays late after work and drinks himself into oblivion. He says he doesn't want to divorce because he's afraid he'd never see his kids. But when I hear him talk about it, I can't help but wonder if, they'd taken action earlier, that they might not be in this predicament.

 

Well depending on who you're confronting will tell you if the end result will be drama. My wife isn't into drama so that's not what I'm worried about at all.

 

And we're both effective communicators with 11 years of college between us. That's not something that we can't deal with.

 

I'm kind of repeating myself here, but I think it will come up eventually but for this particular moment I'm waiting to see if it changes on it's own. I doubt that it will but I wanted to give it a chance to wear itself out with her thinking maybe it's a phase and she'll get tired of it. I also don't want to have this deep heart-felt talk and have her acknowledge all that I'm telling her only to have her change and then work right back into her old habits. That's very likely to happen given her past.

 

I'm not sure what she'd be trying to escape frankly. Maybe she's just tired of me and that's her escape? Maybe she's bored with me. I have no idea. I'm a pretty outgoing individual and I have plenty of friends and co-workers and I can be fairly entertaining (as I'm told by others) so it's not like I'm one of those boring reclusive husbands who sits home and never communicates and never wants to do anything.

 

My wife is not a deep or complex person. If she is trying to escape from something it's news to me but maybe I'm just an idiot and I'm not picking up on the fact that she's checked out from me.

 

I think she just gets off on watching the facebook videos and reading about everyone's life and "liking" everything she runs across. It's like a soap opera at her fingertips. Frankly, it's a bit childish if you ask me. Facebook can be like being back in junior high where you have to know the latest gossip and latest on everybody's life. I'm more like who cares? I'm on Facebook but I maybe spend 1-2 hours there over an entire week if even that, and I certainly miss a great deal of what others post, but I don't really care. I don't need to know what everyone I know is doing, or when or where.

 

Kids aren't an issue any longer in our relationship. They're pretty much adults so that's no even a consideration for me. That would have been a factor for me in the past. It's not a present concern.

 

We do talk. But we've begun to live more and more separate lives and that's largely because of her I believe. It seems to be the way she prefers it. She's been in a different room all day today even though we're both off for the holiday.

 

But if that's the way she's wanting it, to live our lives more separated, I'm not going to fight her about it. I'll just live my own life and when the time comes, I'll move on and find someone more compatible.

[ICEMAN69]

I don't think it's a question of resolve on your part. Can I ask, though: what does 'in due time' mean to you?

 

Also, it doesn't really matter how green the grass is on the other side if it's never going to be green again on your side, if that makes sense?

 

I'm not an advocate for divorce at all, please don't get me wrong - I stayed for far longer than needed in my marriage despite severe emotional and mental abuse because I was holding onto my vows (I said them, I meant them). Commitment is so important to me that I can't see myself committing again because I've done it once; everything else is bound to be transitory to me, so I get that part.

 

At the same time, I also know how it feels to minimise my pain 'for the greater good', to accept things I shouldn't have to because I'm a 'good partner', waiting for things to change that I have no control over and will likely never change save for a serious shift in the level of communication.

 

I know your circumstances are very different to mine but I also know the cost of abnegating your personal fulfillment for the sake of 'waiting and seeing', and I won't do it again (unless it's for my kids). We only have one life. I can't speak for how your wife is feeling and she's not the one posting here, but it would be worth knowing how she feels your marriage is going.

 

In due time? Tomorrow? Next week? End of summer? I've found that there are some issues in life that if you wait for the proper moment, it just slips in there a bit better than sitting down and having an out of the blue conversation.

 

Not sure if the grass will ever be greener between us. Maybe in many ways this is how 20+ marriages end up. My guess is the ones that work out are because two people are fine with mediocrity as a marriage. The marriages that don't are because there are people like me who want more than our spouse willing to ever give.

 

You know, she's a bit of a peacekeeper. I'm not sure if she had any real problems with me (boredom or just marriage complacency) if she'd even be honest about it with me because she likes to keep everything status quo and keep the any potential strife under control. She's a non-confrontational type so if there was something really wrong with our marriage from her standpoint, it's likely that she'd just bury it.

 

But the reality for me has always been this LBH. In our 20+ years together, I've always been the one more interested in romance / intimacy / sex, etc. Our get away's over the past couple of years have always been my suggestion, and she's always gone along and we have a decent time together when we get away. And maybe it's me, but don't you as a female find it odd that I'm the one who has always stirred up romance and intimacy and one-on-one get away's while she really never originates any of that on her own?

 

It's odd that I read about so many women on LS in their 40s and 50s who are widows to their husbands gaming, catatonic personalities, lack of communication, lack of sex, or just 100% checked out condition. Here I am, none of those things, and I'm an engaging and personable individual, but the gender roles have been largely switched.

Edited May 28, 2018 by ICEMAN69

[littleblackheart]

In due time? Tomorrow? Next week? End of summer? I've found that there are some issues in life that if you wait for the proper moment, it just slips in there a bit better than sitting down and having an out of the blue conversation.

 

Not sure if the grass will ever be greener between us. Maybe in many ways this is how 20+ marriages end up. My guess is the ones that work out are because two people are fine with mediocrity as a marriage. The marriages that don't are because there are people like me who want more than our spouse willing to ever give.

 

You know, she's a bit of a peacekeeper. I'm not sure if she had any real problems with me (boredom or just marriage complacency) if she'd even be honest about it with me because she likes to keep everything status quo and keep the any potential strife under control. She's a non-confrontational type so if there was something really wrong with our marriage from her standpoint, it's likely that she'd just bury it.

 

But the reality for me has always been this LBH. In our 20+ years together, I've always been the one more interested in romance / intimacy / sex, etc. Our get away's over the past couple of years have always been my suggestion, and she's always gone along and we have a decent time together when we get away. And maybe it's me, but don't you as a female find it odd that I'm the one who has always stirred up romance and intimacy and one-on-one get away's while she really never originates any of that on her own?

 

It's odd that I read about so many women on LS in their 40s and 50s who are widows to their husbands gaming, catatonic personalities, lack of communication, lack of sex, or just 100% checked out condition. Here I am, none of those things, and I'm an engaging and personable individual, but the gender roles have been largely switched.

 

Hmmm. Mediocrity as a marriage doesn't sound that great, and that's certainly not something I would strive to preserve 'until death us do part'.

 

Maybe your wife is battling issues of her own that are not directly linked to you personally or your marriage?

 

You say 'peacemaker' and I read 'conflict avoidant', which obviously isn't great. Conflating marrital issues with drama won't help get to the root of the problem, I guess.

 

I'm not sure what to say at this point; yes maybe plenty of couples do 'settle' into a comfortable routine but if you want more than what your spouse can give you, isn't it a non-starter already?

 

There will be ones who say 'you made your bed, now lie in it' but it's also hard to encourage someone to face years of dissatisfaction...

 

I'm not the sacrificial type myself - done it, didn't work - but I did exhaust all other avenues before leaving my marriage. Yours may yet be salvageable, but this really needs to be a two-way process.

[treehugger12]

TH, you're not taking away from me. I'm happy you're sharing and I'm fine with you posting your details here. Believe it or not, you've helped me by posting some details about your husbands issues with gaming.

 

Thank you IM, your thread is helping me too. I think our spouses would get along great

Edited May 29, 2018 by treehugger12

[No_Go]

That's a great example of someone who clicked out of a relationship. At this point she doesn't care what you do because she's mentally checked out.

 

Saying this because I had similar situation with my ex live-in bf. In the end both of us were not up to doing anything besides watching tv, eating together, or having sex. Like FWB roommates. The breakup was blessing in disguise - I literally got my life back! I got new hobbies, revived old ones, start having intense crushes right after I settled my life post the move out. The thought that I could have married him gives me chills.

 

With my current BF anything, like walk to McDonalds, is super exciting:) It's not about the place, it's about being together. I obviously haven't changed - just with him I have the click that was missing in my last relationship.

 

I think perceived 'boredom' is just a symptom of severe compatibility issues...

 

 

I'm not married, but I have been in a long term relationship for 6 years. I usually pick my girlfriend up and spend the weekend with her.

 

Lately, when we get back to my home all she wants to do is play on her smartphone. I asked her "Why did I pick you up, if all you are going to do is play on your phone??"

 

I tried to take her bicycle riding, but she complained the whole time. Half way into our ride, she stopped, go off her bicycle and sat down. I had to ride home alone, get my truck and go pick up her and the bike. When we got back to my house, she plopped down on the couch and right back on the smartphone.

 

Short of turning my home into a Faraday Cage, I don't know how to fix my situation, either. There are other issues and problems with our relationship and I think its heading towards a conclusion.

 

I know you are married, so its not exactly the same, but I do empathize with your feelings.

 

If you are able to come up with a fix, please share...

[BettyDraper]

I don't think you are bored at all. I think you actually feel neglected and lonely in your marriage which is perfectly reasonable given your wife's behavior.

 

Maybe if your wife knew that you were contemplating divorce, that would be the catalyst for making changes with respect to your relationship.

[ICEMAN69]

Hmmm. Mediocrity as a marriage doesn't sound that great, and that's certainly not something I would strive to preserve 'until death us do part'.

 

Maybe your wife is battling issues of her own that are not directly linked to you personally or your marriage?

 

 

 

You say 'peacemaker' and I read 'conflict avoidant', which obviously isn't great. Conflating marrital issues with drama won't help get to the root of the problem, I guess.

 

 

I'm not sure what to say at this point; yes maybe plenty of couples do 'settle' into a comfortable routine but if you want more than what your spouse can give you, isn't it a non-starter already?

 

 

 

There will be ones who say 'you made your bed, now lie in it' but it's also hard to encourage someone to face years of dissatisfaction...

 

 

I'm not the sacrificial type myself - done it, didn't work - but I did exhaust all other avenues before leaving my marriage. Yours may yet be salvageable, but this really needs to be a two-way process.

 

 

Conflict avoidance is probably a better term. Thank you.

 

I don't think this is a made my bed situation. To me, that's marrying someone who you already know up front had these problems. If the problems present themselves after your married that's a bit different.

 

She was far more active when we married and we did things together. Now I feel like she's more inclined to be on her own. Which leaves me on my own. Which leaves me wondering what's the purpose of this marriage?

 

I don't want to end up like some where I'm talking to my spouse about the same problem endlessly with promises of change which would then only happen for a short time. I've been down that road and that's her pattern.

[littleblackheart]

Conflict avoidance is probably a better term. Thank you.

 

I don't think this is a made my bed situation. To me, that's marrying someone who you already know up front had these problems. If the problems present themselves after your married that's a bit different.

 

She was far more active when we married and we did things together. Now I feel like she's more inclined to be on her own. Which leaves me on my own. Which leaves me wondering what's the purpose of this marriage?

 

I don't want to end up like some where I'm talking to my spouse about the same problem endlessly with promises of change which would then only happen for a short time. I've been down that road and that's her pattern.

 

I hear you. I guess it's all about where the balance is tipping in terms of what you are set to lose. It can't be easy.

 

Would your wife be open to having a totally casual, non-threatening 'checking in' kind of conversation about the state of your marriage in general, so you can try and gauge where she's at? Do you have a meaningful anniversary or event or a special memory coming up that could be used as trigger to the dialogue?

[losangelena]

Well depending on who you're confronting will tell you if the end result will be drama. My wife isn't into drama so that's not what I'm worried about at all.

 

And we're both effective communicators with 11 years of college between us. That's not something that we can't deal with.

 

I'm kind of repeating myself here, but I think it will come up eventually but for this particular moment I'm waiting to see if it changes on it's own. I doubt that it will but I wanted to give it a chance to wear itself out with her thinking maybe it's a phase and she'll get tired of it. I also don't want to have this deep heart-felt talk and have her acknowledge all that I'm telling her only to have her change and then work right back into her old habits. That's very likely to happen given her past.

 

I'm not sure what she'd be trying to escape frankly. Maybe she's just tired of me and that's her escape? Maybe she's bored with me. I have no idea. I'm a pretty outgoing individual and I have plenty of friends and co-workers and I can be fairly entertaining (as I'm told by others) so it's not like I'm one of those boring reclusive husbands who sits home and never communicates and never wants to do anything.

 

My wife is not a deep or complex person. If she is trying to escape from something it's news to me but maybe I'm just an idiot and I'm not picking up on the fact that she's checked out from me.

 

I think she just gets off on watching the facebook videos and reading about everyone's life and "liking" everything she runs across. It's like a soap opera at her fingertips. Frankly, it's a bit childish if you ask me. Facebook can be like being back in junior high where you have to know the latest gossip and latest on everybody's life. I'm more like who cares? I'm on Facebook but I maybe spend 1-2 hours there over an entire week if even that, and I certainly miss a great deal of what others post, but I don't really care. I don't need to know what everyone I know is doing, or when or where.

 

Kids aren't an issue any longer in our relationship. They're pretty much adults so that's no even a consideration for me. That would have been a factor for me in the past. It's not a present concern.

 

We do talk. But we've begun to live more and more separate lives and that's largely because of her I believe. It seems to be the way she prefers it. She's been in a different room all day today even though we're both off for the holiday.

 

But if that's the way she's wanting it, to live our lives more separated, I'm not going to fight her about it. I'll just live my own life and when the time comes, I'll move on and find someone more compatible.

 

Lol, I don't think education has anything to do with being able to communicate well with others. I used to have a roommate who had a PhD and was a tenure track professor. She couldn't communicate her way out of a paper bag, and worse, she thought she was great at it.

 

I'm still hearing you say two different things. You say y'all are great at communicating, but then you say you don't have the foggiest clue what your wife might be escaping from. Well, have you asked? Also, you say you want to have more time together, that you don't like it when she's on the phone all the time when you're in the room, but that you're also okay if she wants to live separate lives—well, which is it?

 

You don't sound like you LIKE your wife very much. Even just the way you describe yourself in comparison to her. She's not a deep or complex person, instead she is easily entertained by the soap opera that is Facebook, yet you are social, outgoing, and entertaining, and have lots of friends. She is not active, and doesn't have follow-through, and doesn't care about her health, yet you are disciplined, and you keep fit and you prioritize your health. Even in the marriage, she's the one who doesn't care, is disconnected, and checked out, yet you and your entreaties to watch movies together are the one trying to make it all better.

 

I don't buy it.

 

If even a ounce of that superiority complex plays out in your marriage, I can understand why she wants to keep away from you, frankly. I would be surprised if she doesn't feel judged by you. You've obviously drifted in your marriage, but that is never just the fault of one party. Instead of blaming her, I think it'd do you more good to meditate on how you might be contributing.

[ICEMAN69]

Lol, I don't think education has anything to do with being able to communicate well with others. I used to have a roommate who had a PhD and was a tenure track professor. She couldn't communicate her way out of a paper bag, and worse, she thought she was great at it.

 

I'm still hearing you say two different things. You say y'all are great at communicating, but then you say you don't have the foggiest clue what your wife might be escaping from. Well, have you asked? Also, you say you want to have more time together, that you don't like it when she's on the phone all the time when you're in the room, but that you're also okay if she wants to live separate lives—well, which is it?

 

You don't sound like you LIKE your wife very much. Even just the way you describe yourself in comparison to her. She's not a deep or complex person, instead she is easily entertained by the soap opera that is Facebook, yet you are social, outgoing, and entertaining, and have lots of friends. She is not active, and doesn't have follow-through, and doesn't care about her health, yet you are disciplined, and you keep fit and you prioritize your health. Even in the marriage, she's the one who doesn't care, is disconnected, and checked out, yet you and your entreaties to watch movies together are the one trying to make it all better.

 

I don't buy it.

 

If even a ounce of that superiority complex plays out in your marriage, I can understand why she wants to keep away from you, frankly. I would be surprised if she doesn't feel judged by you. You've obviously drifted in your marriage, but that is never just the fault of one party. Instead of blaming her, I think it'd do you more good to meditate on how you might be contributing.

 

 

Okay, forgo the college comment and I'll just say that we're both fine with our communication skills. With that said, she's not saying much to me that would suggest she's unhappy, but she'd also likely bury whatever was bothering her (if that's the case) because she'd go the conflict avoidance route. Right now I'd say she's just happily distracted and that's about the only way I can describe it.

 

Keep in mind that one can ask a dozen questions in an attempt to elicit a give-and-take honest discussion, but it doesn't mean you're going to always get a true or real answer. As a couple of the married females who want to leave their husbands have pointed out on another rather lengthy thread. When they talk to the husbands, whom they anticipate leaving, they don't inform their husbands truthfully that they're not attracted to them, or that there never was any physical chemistry between them. Their reasoning is that they'd rather not hurt them. My point being, my wife doesn't have to be straight up honest even when I do talk to her. I think she would be, but what a person is thinking and what they are willing to admit too aren't always on the same page.

 

When I say I want more time together, I don't mean every waking minute has to be spent with one another. We both are comfortable hanging with other people from time to time. We've never been a couple who smother one another. But in the past, she certainly spent a lot more time cozying up to me and it was more obvious that she just enjoyed being together with me, whether that meant viewing a TV show together, or playing a board game. Now I feel like she barely acknowledges that I'm around.

 

Some days it feels like she's just in her own world, and it's a world more and more infested with endless smart phone usage.

 

And when I say I'm okay if she wants to live separate lives, it simply means that if that's all she's capable of giving me going forward in our relationship, then fine, I can find a million other things to do and people to hang out with, or option two is we just split up and go our separate ways. I'm not the least bit interested in being with anyone if the emotions aren't reciprocal.

 

As for my assessments of she and I. They're pretty much dead on. She's admitted she's not a person who sits and contemplates or thinks about things deeply. She's just not. I'm not ripping on her, I'm merely pointing out that this is who she is. If you saw what she watched on TV, you'd grasp what I'm saying. She's also readily admitted to me on several occasions throughout our 20+ years together that she doesn't have much discipline while acknowledging many times over the years that I in fact do. So it's hardly a case that I'm painting this wonderful picture of me while portraying my wife in less flattering terms. She'd likely agree with much of what I'm writing on these posts, but I'm sure some of it would be painful for her to read as well.

 

Look, one of the issues with LS is always that you only get one side of an issue. I'm presenting my marriage issue with complete honesty. Am I perfect? No. Am I without flaws? Certainly not. But I've always tried to give my wife the best version of me that I can muster.

 

As far as how I might be contributing, that's a valid point and one that I have been considering. And frankly, it's one that I will ask her about when we have the talk. I'm very capable of hearing about my own shortfalls and I'm well aware of most of them. But it's conceivable that I've contributed to her becoming more reclusive in some way that I'm completely unaware of.

[ICEMAN69]

I hear you. I guess it's all about where the balance is tipping in terms of what you are set to lose. It can't be easy.

 

Would your wife be open to having a totally casual, non-threatening 'checking in' kind of conversation about the state of your marriage in general, so you can try and gauge where she's at? Do you have a meaningful anniversary or event or a special memory coming up that could be used as trigger to the dialogue?

 

 

Maybe. We just had our anniversary last month. Which was another strange behavior by her worth noting. I had her anniversary gift on the bed ready for her to open on the actual date of our anniversary.

 

She gave me nothing initially which is notable because she typically has something on the date of our wedding. I noticed but didn't really dwell on it since I enjoy giving gifts more than I do getting them.

 

But then a couple of weeks ago out of the blue, she mentioned to me that my anniversary gift was coming but she was waiting for it to arrive since it had to be shipped.

 

And lo and behold, it did arrive about 4 days ago. It was a personalized gift and it very thoughtful, but the truth is, it probably would have taken about 4-5 days to personalize that item and ship it. Translation: She likely didn't do this until well after our actual anniversary date. And that's not really like her, or at least the her of the past.

 

So to update you guys about yesterday. So it's Memorial Day. I'm up at 7:30 AM which is normal. She sleeps till about 10 AM which is normal on a day that we're both off. I was doing some business on my laptop after I'd showered in the morning, while she was still asleep.

 

When she got up, I suggested as I was pouring coffee that we could maybe watch a movie together or play a game. She acknowledged that would be fine. But she also knows that I'm fine doing a lot of things, assuming she tosses out a suggestion or two. But that didn't happen.

 

After a few minor chores however she sat down in the living room where I was and she immediately engaged her smart phone. I said nothing. I wanted to see if she was going to take me up on my offer. She was doing some laundry at that point and looking at her phone in between trips to the laundry room. But eventually after about an hour, she disappeared up to our bedroom leaving the door open.

 

I could hear the TV and I'm quite certain she was on her smart phone as well. But I remained on the main level of the house and just figured "okay, I'll do whatever and see if she comes around."

 

She remained up there for nearly the entire day. Never changed out of her pajamas. Never even showered. Around 7:30 PM she came down and about 20 minutes later, I put a movie on which I had DVR'd without saying much. She passively sat and watched the movie while (you guessed it) playing with her phone.

 

After the movie ended, I watched to see if there were any signs she might want to get physically closer for the evening since she was sitting on another couch and the night was still fairly young. When she sat there looking at her phone without saying anything for another 30 minutes, I just went up to the bedroom and turned on the TV thinking, well, maybe she'll join me and come to bed. But she didn't come up to bed until around midnight, even though she had to be up for work early the next day. I got up at one point around 11:20 PM and could see into the living room that she was still playing with her phone with the TV going in the background.

 

She's normally hygienic, but even I noticed she went the entire day without showering or changing clothes. And the day before she had showered around 9:30 AM, and had later been outside in some pretty intense heat. In other words, she came awfully close to a 48-hour stretch between showers and this despite being out in some 90-some degree weather for much of Sunday late afternoon / evening, the day before Memorial Day.

 

I realize everyone has different cleanliness standards. I'm kind of a clean fanatic myself. I'll shower in the AM and if it's a particularly hot day, I'll grab another shower at the end of the day, just because I like the feeling of being clean and refreshed. I got the feeling she was coming to bed late hoping I wouldn't even notice her lack of a shower, but I'm pretty tuned in to things like that.

 

So in effect, we spent the better part of Memorial Day in the same residence for the entire day, but for the most part we weren't together.

Of late that's not completely unusual by the way. It's becoming more the norm than the exception.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you saw what she watched on TV, you'd grasp what I'm saying.

 

Hey now! I AM a deep, contemplative, analytic person (I hate "fluff" conversations), but still love me a good Real Housewives once in a while! One thing I could not stand about my ex-H was the way he judged me for wanting to watch trash TV or read People magazine occasionally. (He's no intellectual giant, trust me.....I'm way more intelligent than he is).

 

I think the previous poster could be on to something, that your wife feels judged by you. I've been sensing the same because of some things you've said that ring true in my own former marriage.

 

There's a fine line, though, between judging and holding her accountable for things. It can be tough.\

 

P.S. I just read your last post. We are sure she's not having an affair? That's a LOT of cell phone time! What's she doing? Does she play games?

Edited May 29, 2018 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[ICEMAN69]

Hey now! I AM a deep, contemplative, analytic person (I hate "fluff" conversations), but still love me a good Real Housewives once in a while! One thing I could not stand about my ex-H was the way he judged me for wanting to watch trash TV or read People magazine occasionally. (He's no intellectual giant, trust me.....I'm way more intelligent than he is).

 

I think the previous poster could be on to something, that your wife feels judged by you. I've been sensing the same because of some things you've said that ring true in my own former marriage.

 

There's a fine line, though, between judging and holding her accountable for things. It can be tough.\

 

P.S. I just read your last post. We are sure she's not having an affair? That's a LOT of cell phone time! What's she doing? Does she play games?

 

 

Okay, my wife knows I hate most reality TV and other trashy TV, but that's been something she's known about me for 20+ years, so it's nothing new, and I certainly don't sit around dwelling on what she's watching. Why would it just now show up as an issue? Matter of fact, I found a couple of shows on Amazon Prime that were reality based that I figured we both could watch a few months ago, because I was trying to find those "common" things we could both enjoy.

 

I don't know Cautious, maybe that's something I have to consider. I'm trying to look at this from a broader point of view and self-reflect a bit. Although I'm not entirely sure why that would appear to be a problem this late in our marriage? I'm pretty much at the point of not even thinking about those little things. I'm much more concerned about her physical well being and lack of activity. But how does one address that? You yourself are pointing out that holding someone accountable can be misinterpreted as judging. Is it judgmental to be concerned about someone's health and their lack of insights into their own lacking health concerns? That's a fine line as I'm sure you're aware.

 

I'm not interested in a trophy wife. Just someone who looks out for herself and thinks about eating healthier in her late 40s and being more concerned about daily physical activity rather than plopping herself down on a couch the minute she walks in the door to stare at the phone in her hand.

 

No, there's no affair. She's just checked in to her phone and checked out from pretty much anything else. It's seldom not in her hand. She does play Candy Crush, but she can spend a lot of time on facebook scrolling endlessly reviewing everyone's life. Ahhhh . . . it's daunting!