Money and marriage

[Bent2]

I have been with my husband since we were high school sweethearts. Back then, i had some financial means and he had none. I was the one who sorted out the rent on all of our places and got the bills paid. We never discussed combining income because he didn't make any money. In our teens and twenties i caught him stealing from me a few times but he swears the last time he did it, we were 22 years old and it was a couple of hundred dollars.

 

Fast foward to over a decade. The situation is reversed. I have very little in the way of income due to being a full time parent. He makes decent money. I was the one who purchased our home but i do make him pay me $400 per fortnight for our $800,000 home which is freehold so i can have a few luxuries here and there.

 

He is so tight with money. I used to be very generouswith it but it's turned into a power struggle now and I've stopped taking him out for dinners etc if i do come into a bit of money here and there.

For example, if i dont have any cash on me and he does and i ask him to borrow $20, he will agree but remind me of the loan every day until i pay him back.

We have had many arguments over the years with this and after some bad ones, he WILL show moments of generosity and pick up my favorite food from the supermarket or take me out to dinner and pay the full amount.

A more recent argument really upset me. Both of us have been having tooth pain and i had asked him to book us in to see a dentist. He asked me numerous times if i could afford it as he knew i was struggling at the time and i said yes.

Afew days later i discover he has made an appointment for himself but not me because he was concerned I wouldn't have enough to cover it on the day. He saw how much pain the tooth was causing me and although he did have enough to cover us both, he wasn't going to risk it.

How do i undo over a decade worth of this kind of behavior? There's only so much reasoning, reminding, yelling, frustration i can do.

I have asked that we share money but deep down i know this will lead to divorce.

Any other suggestions?

Edited May 19, 2018 by Bent2

[d0nnivain]

When money is a huge source of contention it can destroy a marriage.

 

You need to talk to him about his attitude? Can you go back to work? Do you want to?

 

Since he is consumed by the dollars & sense, give him an itemization of the costs of the services you provide that he would otherwise have to pay for: housekeeping, laundry, child care, food prep etc. See if that shakes loose his tight grip on his wallet.

[Art_Critic]

raise his rent... that is what I would do...double it...

[carhill]

Doesn't sound like a loving partnership, or really any partnership, at all, to me. Money appears to be a weapon. My dad, who was an accountant, sole breadwinner and married to my mom for life, told me as a young man that once a couple starts a tit for tat accounting exercise in the relationship, it was doomed. In their M his wife, who didn't hold a paying job, handled the finances and they were equals in the big decisions (houses, cars, retirement, etc). Day to day mom ran the house with an iron fist and dad completely trusted her to do what was right by the family. She did. That was the partnership that role modeled me. YMMV.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was the one who purchased our home but i do make him pay me $400 per fortnight for our $800,000 home which is freehold so i can have a few luxuries here and there.

 

raise his rent... that is what I would do...double it...

 

I wouldn't just double it. Based on his attitude, I'd make him pay the going monthly rent for a $800K home in your area. If he's going to treat you like a serf, treat him like a tenant...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

Wow, honestly. I have no idea how people can carry out their marriages like this. Makes zero sense to me.

 

My husband and I are PARTNERS, its us against the world, its what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

 

We care about each other, we take care of each other, we support each other, mentally physically AND financially.

 

Like you when we first met we were young and broke. We moved in together the moment I graduated college, he was working, I had no income. We pooled whatever money we had TOGETHER because collectively, we are stronger, and have more money then we would individually.

 

Over the years, there have been times when he made more money than I did, times when he was unemployed, but for the majority of our years together, I have made more, currently I earn double of what he does.

 

And it is OUR money. Neither of us spends more than the other. We buy each other treats and gifts, and go on dates, and trips etc with OUR money. When a gift is purchased, its the thought that counts because money is a moot point, what is mine is his, what is his is mine.

 

 

Both of us have been having tooth pain and i had asked him to book us in to see a dentist. He asked me numerous times if i could afford it as he knew i was struggling at the time and i said yes. A few days later i discover he has made an appointment for himself but not me because he was concerned I wouldn't have enough to cover it on the day. He saw how much pain the tooth was causing me and although he did have enough to cover us both, he wasn't going to risk it.

 

Holy $!@& are you KIDDING ME?!? What the hell, I would help a roommate out more than this!

 

My husband had medical bills during a time when finances were tight. I sold my bike and picked up some extra work because HE NEEDED ME. And when I need him, he goes above and beyond.

 

How is the rest of your marriage? If there is this much "mine not yours" when it comes to money, I have a hard time believing everything else is peachy.

[awesomeblondie]

That sounds like such a difficult situation! I do not think it is fair that your husband treats your finances as a power leverage against you. My husband and I have gone through a financial imbalance too, but open communication helped us.

 

Your husband needs to see the two of you as a team if you want your marriage to succeed. It is unfair that you've helped him through a tough time, but he is unwilling to return the favor. If he insists on not being an equal partner then you need to calculate the proportion that he needs to contribute. If you take care of your children, house, etc., then the proportion of his contribution needs to be larger. I don't know how much your mortgage is, but $800 per month sounds unreasonable (as in not enough) for him to be paying. If he wants tit for tat then it needs consider ALL that you put into your lives.

 

That being said... Even if you do this, this does not predict good outcome for your relationship. I really think that you need to have a deep conversation about how marriage needs to be an equal partnership, especially since you have a child together. If he is unwilling to have this conversation. I suggest couples counseling.

 

I am sure divorce is the last thing you want, but if he's not okay with either of those, can you imagine this continuing for the rest of your life? Realistically, is this the kind of life you want for yourself and your child? You cannot guarantee that your financial situation will improve, so you need to take care of yourself.

Edited May 22, 2018 by awesomeblondie
spelling

[Lotsgoingon]

No he didn't! ... No way ...

 

So I know I misread your note ... and got key things wrong.

 

Your writing seemed to say that you had tooth pain and you asked your husband to book an appointment for you and him ... since he was also having some tooth pain ...

 

And then ... this is the part I KNOW i misread ...and I'm sorry ... I am not wearing my reading glasses ... But you went on ... and seemed to say ... that hubby does not book an appointment for you ... but books an appointment only for himself ... because he didn't think you would have money for the appointment.

 

So his money stuff trumps your health.

 

You got to get on this ... that was a slap ... I'm sorry ... a medical or dental appointment ... he pays ... or you pay ... but somebody pays .. works out the balance between you later.

 

Please respond and correct this confusion and misunderstanding ... because ... there is no way you are going to be less than homicidal living with a guy who treats you like this ...

 

Seriously, no way can you feel close to him after something like that ... So time to start thinking about plan b ... confront him ... throw a fit if you have to ... and make some room in your heart and mind for dumping him ... You cannot live like this and have any self-respect ... Great material to work on in therapy--your own therapy ... How did you let this mistreatment go so long without pushing him into a frozen lake?

 

Therapy or counseling of some variety ... to help you build up boundaries ... an ability to stay no ... how to stand up for yourself ... and not put treatment like this ...

[PegNosePete]

Well, I would sit him down and tell him that things must change. Either:

 

a) your marriage will become a proper shared partnership, as a marriage should be. You both contribute: he works a job, and you work at home. Both of your incomes no matter how big or small will be considered marital income from now on, and put into a joint account. That doesn't mean you don't need to set budgets for things like housekeeping, groceries, dentists (!) and luxuries, but it means you don't need to ask permission to spend marital money on essentials. You're working for it, after all... just not the paid kind of work.

 

b) if he's dead set against sharing everything then you need to lay down the law and show him exactly what you contribute to the marriage. You're a full time parent: charge him babysitting. Charge him full rent. Charge him for the time you spend cleaning, shopping, cooking, everything you do for both of you while he is out making money for himself. Also figure out how much he would pay in child support, and charge him that too. You need to buy stuff for the kid after all. Don't give him special mates rates either! Use proper market rates!

 

If he's still unwilling to budge then I can only suggest marriage counselling. Money is one of the biggest reasons for divorce. You need to take this very seriously, and so should he.