Would you befriend a former bully?

[AloneNow]

I'm fairly new to the topic about school bullying but my young female cousin has dealt with one in particular in the past. Do you think it's ever ok to befriend a former bully, if said bully doesn't stand up for others nor helps those in need?

 

3 years ago, my cousin was getting bullied by this other girl (let's call her Mary). She would get others to join in.

 

One day things got physical and she hit (not a slap back but a punch) Mary back. Both were going to get suspended if they didn't make peace. Suddenly the Mary started crying, kept apologizing and promising to be nice, to be her friend, etc. At some point, she tried lying about standing up for my cousin and that it was all just a misunderstanding. My cousin didn't say anything else at that point and went along with it; she's very forgiving.

My cousin has been helping her with math and a couple courses and Mary invites her to hang-outs more often ever since.

 

They're both in 10th grade by now. These are the issues my cousin is a bit bothered with:

- Mary doesn't do anything if others are getting picked on; she's a bystander

- She never made any amends with another girl she bullied in middle school

- Both saw a poor homeless woman and only my cousin gave some of her lunch while Mary was on her cell talking to her bf

- Overall yes, she kept her promise of being her friend and being nice to her but she doesn't help others; she doesn't join in the bullying nor laughs but just does nothing at all

 

I hope this isn't a wrong assumption but I'm thinking this Mary is scared of getting in trouble or owned in a fight again. Indeed Mary is no longer a bully but not sure if it's too much of a change being a bystander that does nothing and is only nice to my cousin who literally had to put her in her place and it was a forced friendship at the time.

Edited May 20, 2018 by AloneNow

[d0nnivain]

I think it's OK for your little cousin to show compassion for the former bully but I'm not sure any 10th grader needs to be so accepting as to bring a former bully into their inner circle. If they were 5+ years out of high school & reconnected, sure. By then I would have hoped that the bully would have reformed.

 

Here I think poor Mary was just confused. Remember that incident happened 3 years ago when they were in 7th or 8th grade. Mary was a child. Granted a child in need of guidance but a child. If she no longer acts like that I'm not going to condemn her for failing to be a champion for other victims as long as she is no longer the instigator.

 

Your cousin can be nice to Mary now & help with Mary's math but is not obligated to be the one to reform Mary or to insist that Mary jump into to champion other kids in the face of bullying.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Mary probably has very low self esteem and maybe even some self loathing, so if your cousin shows her kindness, it can only help Mary (and in turn, others to not be bullied by Mary).

[somanymistakes]

I think it's all circumstances. Why did they bully, how long did they bully for, how bad was it, how have they changed, etc.

 

When I was a little bitty thing, there was a girl in my class who got her growth spurt super early and was much, much bigger than everybody else. I don't think it's at all surprising that she kind of pushed other kids around for a while. Just playground stuff, nothing really awful. By the time we were teenagers and everybody was the same height, it really didn't matter at all anymore and we were friends.

 

But when I was a teenager there were people who bullied me that were much more vicious and specific in the things they did. As adults, one of them Found Religion and wrote me this whole ramble apologising for being terrible when we were young. I forgive her in the sense that I do not care anymore and it's nice that she said sorry, but we are NEVER going to be friends.

 

 

In the case you're saying? It kind of sounds like she's gone from being a kind-of-bad person to a kind-of-neutral person. It would be nice if she were better, but she's not terrible anymore, just average.

[carhill]

Nah, bullies are dead to me and I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. Let them burn. Horrible humans. Especially the adult ones. With millions of fresh replacements born every day, they won't be missed.

[d0nnivain]

Nah, bullies are dead to me and I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. Let them burn. Horrible humans. Especially the adult ones. With millions of fresh replacements born every day, they won't be missed.

 

Mary was in middle school when this happened. I'd like to think the pre-teen bullies can be reformed.

 

For the adult ones, fine write them off. But let's give kids a break. not a free pass but a chance to reform & learn from their mistakes.

[carhill]

Have you ever been beaten unconscious?

 

Nah, screw them. They knew exactly what they were doing, group dynamics of violence and shunning. They and their kind are forever dead to me and I hope I find some of them in the coming war. Despicable humans. And screw the Catholic church and their 'turn the other cheek' BS. Hope they burn in hell too.

 

The title asked 'would you ever befriend a former bully?'

 

NO!

[AloneNow]

Yes, both were in 7th grade at the time but my cousin was already getting bullied for a year.

This is the information I got. Upon getting out of the office that day, both shook hands but my cousin wasn't letting her off the hook that easily. The agreement was my cousin would help her with math and other courses if:

- Mary stops bullying her and/or others or instigating fights

- They both stand up for each other if either of them are getting bullied

- Mary ditches her former followers that joined the bullying

- Both are welcomed in each other's social group

 

This is another situation my cousin is stuck in:

- She's also good friends with these 2 girls (let's call them Anna and Betty). However, upon the introduction neither of them were comfortable around Mary. Though Mary was trying to be nice, both are still hurt by how she used to be a total jerk to them at the time too and haven't apologized but expects to start all over again as if nothing happened.

 

Indeed, she changed from being an awful girl (the main school tormentor and instigator of fights) to a neutral person but isn't owning up to past mistakes/unfair treatment she has done to a couple others in the past.

Edited May 20, 2018 by AloneNow

[AloneNow]

I think it's OK for your little cousin to show compassion for the former bully but I'm not sure any 10th grader needs to be so accepting as to bring a former bully into their inner circle. If they were 5+ years out of high school & reconnected, sure. By then I would have hoped that the bully would have reformed.

They've been friends since and Mary has been introduced to us several times.

Though a couple of my cousin's friends aren't ok with Mary because of how she behaved with them in the past too and her not owning up to it.

[carhill]

That's admirable, to the extent the young woman changed, and I do understand women experience bullying by other women in ways different than men do. We can kill each other and do. Some men have no boundaries in that regard. No respect for humanity.

 

IMO, we have free will and the choices we make due to that have consequences. That young lady should not be spared the consequences of her choices.

 

Personally I'd never negotiate with a bully to modify their behavior. Nuclear war. Let's get to it. If they want to stand down unconditionally and apologize unequivocally, I might listen.

[AloneNow]

Have you ever been beaten unconscious?

 

Nah, screw them. They knew exactly what they were doing, group dynamics of violence and shunning. They and their kind are forever dead to me and I hope I find some of them in the coming war. Despicable humans. And screw the Catholic church and their 'turn the other cheek' BS. Hope they burn in hell too.

 

The title asked 'would you ever befriend a former bully?'

 

NO!

Carhill, I'm sorry to hear what happened to you and I can see where you're coming from. No one deserves getting bullied at all. I can't say for sure if I would have been forgiving because as I've mentioned, this is a fairly new department for me. I've never been bullied and I was surprised to learn everything my cousin has undergone in a year.

 

My cousin is one negotiator alright. I guess seeing how Mary was practically pleading in the office that day, she felt sorry and compassion for her, then it was forgiven that same day.

Edited May 20, 2018 by AloneNow

[carhill]

For your cousin, it comes at a particularly vulnerable time, that of the flow from family safety and love to integrating with her peer group. Her personality and sense of self are still developing. I hope she gets some assistance with managing the fallout. I didn't as such was practically unknown in the 60's and 70's and violence was an accepted form of expression, unlike now. Toughen up kid. Wimp. Fortunately, girls got more compassion and guys were indoctrinated into protect/serve so some even got 'protection'. No doubt girl-on-girl bullying went on too. Never saw it escalate into assault and property damage like went on in my life. I remember the nuns setting up a boxing class so guys like me who hated to fight could learn how to defend ourselves and hurt people. Hated that but it taught some good lessons. I was a big guy and was deathly afraid of hurting people. Easy to do though. Learned that quick.

 

In the cousin's case I wouldn't do anything remotely friendly until they could look me in the eyes and take full responsibility for the pain and disruption they caused. No quid pro quo. Proactive and voluntary acceptance of their actions.

[preraph]

Sometimes hitting the bully back is the best thing you can do for them. Lots of bullies scare people so bad they feel helpless and more pain if they hit them back.

 

To me, it sounds like though the bully is kind of making excuses and trying to deflect her bullying, that the hit back also made her rethink her bullyish approach. Of course, there's some underlying bad ethics with the bully that are going to show in some of the small ways you described,but maybe being friends with a person of higher ethics will influence her to continue to change for the better.

[AloneNow]

In the cousin's case I wouldn't do anything remotely friendly until they could look me in the eyes and take full responsibility for the pain and disruption they caused. No quid pro quo. Proactive and voluntary acceptance of their actions.

It makes sense. It doesn't seem like Mary has done that yet.

 

Or could it be total shame? My cousin went to another girls' hang-out just yesterday and it was super awkward. One of her friends actually was straight forward for the first time and brought out the topic about how much of a jerk Mary was to her and others in 6th and 7th grade. According my cousin, Mary kept claiming not to recall too much and started changing the topic but the look on her face seemed as if someone was embarrassed. My cousin had to help out by stating it was a long time and now she's different.

 

Needless to say she was taken by surprise by that confrontation. It's understandable that her other previous victims of her bullying deserved an apology but she seems too ashamed to own up to it.

Edited May 21, 2018 by AloneNow

[AloneNow]

Sometimes hitting the bully back is the best thing you can do for them. Lots of bullies scare people so bad they feel helpless and more pain if they hit them back.

I have to agree with your statement. It sounds like no amount of sweet talks (ex: ''Treat others with respect or Bullying isn't nice, etc) or lecture would have gotten that girl to stop.

 

I find it so amazing that some bullies can have such inflated ego that all it takes is someone fighting back and all of the sudden, they lost all that power and desire to ever bully.

[preraph]

I have to agree with your statement. It sounds like no amount of sweet talks (ex: ''Treat others with respect or Bullying isn't nice, etc) or lecture would have gotten that girl to stop.

 

I find it so amazing that some bullies can have such inflated ego that all it takes is someone fighting back and all of the sudden, they lost all that power and desire to ever bully.

 

Because deep down, they're cowards. They may also and probably were from violent households or have some problem at home. They pick on those weaker as a rule.

[JustGettingBy]

God no.

 

Getting bullied for most of the time I spent in public school (kindergarten until end of high school) its still effecting how I relate to people in general(still have a hard time connecting to people professionally and romantically because of the instinctive responses I developed and am trying to shake off).

[ItsJustMyOpinion]

Yes, I'd befriend a former bully if I liked them as a person. I'd also probably combat their bullying ways by standing up to him/her when he bullied someone in front of me that didn't deserve it.