His wife found out and he suddenly abandoned me.I am heart broken.... ....

[abandoned2018]

Hello..

 

Thank you for reading and any insight you can offer....

 

I ll start from the beginning... from 2015 to 2016 September i was close friends with a man from work... we used to exchange some messages on FB everyday. it was platonic.we were friends. then on 2016 September his wife read the messages (there was nothing sexual of flirty) and she asked him not to be friends with me.

 

He suddenly said i won't message you anymore and stopped being friends with me. i was a bit hurt because the man i thought of as a friend did not tell his wife "hey we are friends" but i can understand him choosing his wife over my friendship so i made up my mind and was okay..

 

Then in 2017 he started messaging me again and it was clear that he was having a crush on me. he said he was sad without me.we started chatting all day and it became an emotional affair... i know it's wrong...

 

Background about our martial status

 

I have been separated from my ex since 2014.

he has been married for 8 years now. his wife, does not like sex

1. does not respect him
   
2. does what she pleases without thinking what effect it will have on him
   
3. takes decisions without discussing with him
   
4. does not give him love or affection
   

he has told me about many things she has done which made him stop loving her... i know every man says hey i don't love her , we are not having sex etc when they want to start an affair. but here, i have confirmed that he is saying the truth. he has shown me messages between them which made it clear to me that he is telling the truth.. even when he goes home he is chatting with me and she is in the other room with the kid. no attention to him at all....

 

so.. we continued the emotional affair and he has sent me flowers, gets me chocolates, is loving and caring all the time... comes to see me.. basically he is everything i want in a man.

 

and then two-three months in to the affair he told me that he can't ever leave his wife because he wants his kid to grow up with both mom and dad... this was devastating and i have thought of stopping this many times because even though we both love each other there is no future for us..

 

but we both are not able to be without each other ...

 

at the beginning i did not think much about having to share him with her.. but now i am deeply in love and it hurts me so much that he sleeps with her, he goes shopping with her, eats with her... basically shares his life with her while i am alone and lonely and suffering thinking what he might be doing with her. i was dealing with the pains of being the other woman because i was ready to go through that to be able to love him and to have him love me.... even though the pain is killing me from inside...

 

so.. we were continuing despite these feelings and obstacles and two days ago his wife found out about the affair. she does not know it's me (according to him) but she got to know that he is having an affair.

 

he told me he needs to stop contacting me "so that he can solve problems at home" apparently she told his parents and her parents and they are all pressurizing him... and since then there has been no messages from him.... i feel abandoned and lonely and alone.. heartbroken... the thoughts i keep having are

 

1) how can he just stop contact like this and be okay with it? doesn't he think about me? he used to ask if i came home safely if i am okay etc.. so now suddenly he is okay without knowing anything ?

(he did tell me he won't be happy without contact)

 

2) he does not love her does not want her and is there for the kid, so why is it so important to prove to her that there is no affair? (is it because she will leave and then he won't get to be in his kid's life....)

( part of the reasons why he does not want to divorce her is parental pressure.. so i guess he wants to be a "good son" in front of his parents and that is why he wants to prove there is no affair too)

 

ideally, i would like him to divorce her and come to me.... but i know it's not a ideal world... is there any way he can divorce her and still have the kid grow up with mom and dad both...?

 

i know i am running behind a mirage but is there any ladies here who were the "other woman" to a man with kids and then became his wife? i would love to read your stories... to see if there is any hope for me.....

 

i absolutely can't forget him and so i am not able to love another man... so i am helpless here as to what to do... i have even told him i won't be able to love another man so i ll be single for him... he is very sad that i will end up alone but says his kid needs him.... other people with kids divorce.... so i feel if he loved me enough he will divorce her and come to me.. am i correct in thinking that way?

 

right now i am very emotional and sad and feeling abandoned and heart broken... and i wanted to share and vent...thank you so much for any reply..

Edited May 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing bug ~T

[d0nnivain]

He lied to you. Plain & simple. If you told his wife all the things he told you about her she'd be shocked to learn that they weren't having sex because they were always intimate & she gave him affection. She'd tell you that she made decisions because he was never around. Remember he was with you, not there helping her. Decisions are made by people who show up.

 

All in all you were a fling & this guy told you he'd never leave his wife. I suppose if he loved you enough he'd leave his wife but he doesn't. He loves her. You were just some "strange" he got on the side. You never meant more to him then his family & you never will.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting but you need to make better decisions for yourself. Don't date married men. Remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

 

Since you work with him, start looking for a new job if you really can't be professional around him.

[FMW]

Abandoned, you have to accept what he is showing you - that she is his priority and whatever he feels for you is not enough to make him walk away from her and their life together.

 

Maybe what he told you about her and their relationship is true, maybe not. Maybe what he told you about his feelings for you is true. But in the end, his actions say it all. He's choosing her. Nothing else really matters. He is willing to lose you, to hurt you, in order to keep her and their life together.

 

I know it's very painful, believe me I do. But again, you need to focus on his actions and realize that in the end the whys and hows just don't matter. You'll never really know for sure how much was truth and how much was lies.

 

It's very likely he'll get back in touch with you after he feels he's not under such close scrutiny from his wife. Use the time until then to really think about things. Read all the stories here, including mine, where years go by and nothing changes. Do you really want to stay on that roller coaster?

 

After all this time it's highly unlikely he'll leave her, and even if she leaves him (which is also unlikely from what you've written) and he comes to you, would you really trust him to stay?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

even when he goes home he is chatting with me and she is in the other room with the kid. no attention to him at all....

 

 

And what about his responsibility to be paying attention to them instead of in the other room messaging the mistress?

 

I'm afraid this man has lied to you over and over and over. Everything you've described here is in the cheater's script.

 

His wife is doing all the right things to save her marriage and keep her family intact. I suggest you respect their wishes and move on to an unattached man, making a resolve to not become involved with a married man ever again. As you are finding out, it usually does not end well.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

so i feel if he loved me enough he will divorce her and come to me.. am i correct in thinking that way?

 

 

I guess that's possible, so what does it tell you about whether he loves you or not?

[BluesPower]

Hello..

 

Thank you for reading and any insight you can offer....

 

I ll start from the beginning... from 2015 to 2016 September i was close friends with a man from work... we used to exchange some messages on FB everyday. it was platonic.we were friends. then on 2016 September his wife read the messages (there was nothing sexual of flirty) and she asked him not to be friends with me.

.

.

.

.

i absolutely can't forget him and so i am not able to love another man... so i am helpless here as to what to do... i have even told him i won't be able to love another man so i ll be single for him... he is very sad that i will end up alone but says his kid needs him.... other people with kids divorce.... so i feel if he loved me enough he will divorce her and come to me.. am i correct in thinking that way?

 

right now i am very emotional and sad and feeling abandoned and heart broken... and i wanted to share and vent...thank you so much for any reply..

 

So he lied to you about everything...

 

And the smartest thing that you wrote is this:

 

"I feel if he loved me enough he will divorce her and come to me".

 

Bingo, this is fact the bottom line. Most likely he was just using you for extra sex. Not that he does not care about you, but NOT ENOUGH.

 

I know that this hurts, but this is what you really need to understand. And this is the reason that you do not want to ever get involved with a married man...

[somanymistakes]

How do you tell the difference between a man in an unhappy marriage who wants to leave, and a cheater who'll say anything to get laid?

 

NOT by their words.

 

You can't rely on JUST what he tells you - because that can very easily be a lie.

 

Do you have any evidence backing up anything he's told you, OTHER than what he's told/shown you? (Anything he chooses to show you, he can be hand-picking to meet his story!)

 

If he loved you enough, he would try to leave... but he isn't, he's trying to fix things at home. That's the priority he chose.

 

Of course you can't forget him overnight and fall straight in love with another man, that wouldn't be healthy. After a breakup, you need time to recover. But you have to be certain that you're breaking it off for good before you can begin that recovery.

[abandoned2018]

He lied to you. Plain & simple. If you told his wife all the things he told you about her she'd be shocked to learn that they weren't having sex because they were always intimate & she gave him affection.

 

 

as far as i know...they are not having sex... from the moment he goes home, he is texting me till he sleeps and that's around 11.00pm by which time his wife is asleep.she does not want him in the same room as her and the kid and that is why he goes to the other room. she sleeps with the kid, he is alone till he sleeps (i don't know if he wakes up the wife at 11.00pm and then has sex though....)

 

 

 

She'd tell you that she made decisions because he was never around. Remember he was with you, not there helping her. Decisions are made by people who show up.

 

 

 

 

he would try to discuss with her and tell her what he likes and yet, all the decisions about the child, finances etc are made according to her wishes.

 

 

All in all you were a fling & this guy told you he'd never leave his wife. I suppose if he loved you enough he'd leave his wife but he doesn't. He loves her. You were just some "strange" he got on the side. You never meant more to him then his family & you never will.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting but you need to make better decisions for yourself. Don't date married men. Remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

 

Since you work with him, start looking for a new job if you really can't be professional around him.

 

 

"you never meant more to him than his family and you never will"

 

thank you for that.... that is the cold hard truth i see but can't seems to be able to accept...

[d0nnivain]

thank you for that.... that is the cold hard truth i see but can't seems to be able to accept...

 

Remember you only know his side of it.

 

Anyway, you will get to acceptance. Right now the hurt is fresh & new. It's all consuming & hard to see past. You will get there.

[abandoned2018]

Abandoned, you have to accept what he is showing you - that she is his priority and whatever he feels for you is not enough to make him walk away from her and their life together.

 

 

 

 

Thank you... my head sees this. my heart... does not seem capable of accepting this truth....

 

 

Maybe what he told you about her and their relationship is true, maybe not. Maybe what he told you about his feelings for you is true. But in the end, his actions say it all. He's choosing her. Nothing else really matters. He is willing to lose you, to hurt you, in order to keep her and their life together.

 

 

yes... it hurts....

 

 

I know it's very painful, believe me I do. But again, you need to focus on his actions and realize that in the end the whys and hows just don't matter. You'll never really know for sure how much was truth and how much was lies.

 

It's very likely he'll get back in touch with you after he feels he's not under such close scrutiny from his wife. Use the time until then to really think about things. Read all the stories here, including mine, where years go by and nothing changes. Do you really want to stay on that roller coaster?

 

After all this time it's highly unlikely he'll leave her, and even if she leaves him (which is also unlikely from what you've written) and he comes to you, would you really trust him to stay?

 

 

if he does come to me, i would trust him to stay.... i think he won't be cheating if he had a loving wife... at least that's what even my friends are saying..... they all feel he is a good man who is stuck in a bad marriage....

[abandoned2018]

And what about his responsibility to be paying attention to them instead of in the other room messaging the mistress?

 

I'm afraid this man has lied to you over and over and over. Everything you've described here is in the cheater's script.

 

His wife is doing all the right things to save her marriage and keep her family intact. I suggest you respect their wishes and move on to an unattached man, making a resolve to not become involved with a married man ever again. As you are finding out, it usually does not end well.

 

 

 

 

his wife does not want him in the same room as her and the kid... that's what he says.... I'm sorry.. I'm not trying to take his side... just giving out the information he has fed me....

[d0nnivain]

if he does come to me, i would trust him to stay.... i think he won't be cheating if he had a loving wife... at least that's what even my friends are saying..... they all feel he is a good man who is stuck in a bad marriage....

 

 

Nobody is stuck in a bad marriage. There are ways out. He choses to be there & he has told you he won't divorce his wife.

 

You only know what he told you. That is his side. She probably goes to bed wondering where he formerly loving husband is. Meanwhile he's in the den texting you. She probably had a few clues before she put her foot down & tat may have contributed to her coldness toward him.

 

He has now CHOSEN to be with her. You have to deal with that.

 

Also remember if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Cheaters never change.

[abandoned2018]

So he lied to you about everything...

 

And the smartest thing that you wrote is this:

 

"I feel if he loved me enough he will divorce her and come to me".

 

Bingo, this is fact the bottom line. Most likely he was just using you for extra sex. Not that he does not care about you, but NOT ENOUGH.

 

I know that this hurts, but this is what you really need to understand. And this is the reason that you do not want to ever get involved with a married man...

 

 

 

 

there was no sex... he was clear that he does not want sex because he can't have a future with me....

 

 

 

i think you are correct.... the FACT is that he loves me and cares about me, but NOT ENOUGH....

[abandoned2018]

How do you tell the difference between a man in an unhappy marriage who wants to leave, and a cheater who'll say anything to get laid?

 

NOT by their words.

 

You can't rely on JUST what he tells you - because that can very easily be a lie.

 

Do you have any evidence backing up anything he's told you, OTHER than what he's told/shown you? (Anything he chooses to show you, he can be hand-picking to meet his story!)

 

If he loved you enough, he would try to leave... but he isn't, he's trying to fix things at home. That's the priority he chose.

 

Of course you can't forget him overnight and fall straight in love with another man, that wouldn't be healthy. After a breakup, you need time to recover. But you have to be certain that you're breaking it off for good before you can begin that recovery.

 

 

 

 

yes... i do have evidence... he has shown me messages between them(whole conversations) where he told her you did x , y and z to make me lose interest and she has accepted that... and there have been things she has done of which i have seen the consequences...

[Daisy2013]

yes... i do have evidence... he has shown me messages between them(whole conversations) where he told her you did x , y and z to make me lose interest and she has accepted that... and there have been things she has done of which i have seen the consequences...

 

He may love you. He may be in a miserable marriage and want out. But for whatever reason, he is staying. Maybe bc of "committed love" irregardless of whether he still loves her in a passionate way, he may be a coward. Who knows. Your story is similar in ways to mine, and it was sad to read. I, too, saw messages going back months and there was nothing indicating affection or playfulness or anything. All business. Nothing like our messages. While I felt satisfied after seeing these, it still didn't change anything.

 

I wish you strength to face the pain of waking away now. The pain only gets worse. It is an addiction and will be difficult. But do it for yourself. Love and care for "you" more than him. He is doing that very thing for himself.

[carhill]

1) how can he just stop contact like this and be okay with it? doesn't he think about me? he used to ask if i came home safely if i am okay etc.. so now suddenly he is okay without knowing anything ?

(he did tell me he won't be happy without contact)

 

He put the 'you' box away and you don't exist unless and until he pulls it out again. People can do this in general with other humans, it's normal, but some can also do it with intimates. Between contacts, it's like you don't exist.

 

2) he does not love her does not want her and is there for the kid, so why is it so important to prove to her that there is no affair? (is it because she will leave and then he won't get to be in his kid's life....)

( part of the reasons why he does not want to divorce her is parental pressure.. so i guess he wants to be a "good son" in front of his parents and that is why he wants to prove there is no affair too)

 

Ego. The id has carnal desires and the superego is beating up on it for the marital indiscretions and the ego is moderating the battle with the goal of settlement. If there was/is no affair, calm and comfort and confidence are maintained. I've gotten this a lot from MW's. Their denial becomes their reality and it's all good.

 

Couple tips.

 

Don't believe what married people spew about their marriage. For some insight, get the other side of the story from their spouse and then work to the middle somewhere being the truth.

 

Accept that people who engage in poly-style relationships compartmentalize and one can go from hero to zero in the flash of an electron. One moment you're their everything and the next you're nothing. Once you get that dynamic and embrace it, things get easier with human relations in general.

 

Long time member and seen/experienced infidelity from a number of perspectives for decades. It is what it is. The winners in life do what they do to benefit themselves and the trail of others they leave in their wake matters not. So far they seem to have well-attended funerals reflecting that popularity even with the skeletons in their closet. Be attractive and don't be unattractive. Live for you. There are billions on the planet and they're interchangeable which is why infidelity and divorce are so commonplace.

 

Last tip: Avoid friendships with men unless (this is rare) a common interest is involved and the friendship revolves around that interest and is transparent to all. Men want to bang you. That's kinda crude but it is predominantly true. Married or single. The rest of the stuff is appearances.

[Daisy2013]

He put the 'you' box away and you don't exist unless and until he pulls it out again. People can do this in general with other humans, it's normal, but some can also do it with intimates. Between contacts, it's like you don't exist.

 

 

 

Ego. The id has carnal desires and the superego is beating up on it for the marital indiscretions and the ego is moderating the battle with the goal of settlement. If there was/is no affair, calm and comfort and confidence are maintained. I've gotten this a lot from MW's. Their denial becomes their reality and it's all good.

 

Couple tips.

 

Don't believe what married people spew about their marriage. For some insight, get the other side of the story from their spouse and then work to the middle somewhere being the truth.

 

Accept that people who engage in poly-style relationships compartmentalize and one can go from hero to zero in the flash of an electron. One moment you're their everything and the next you're nothing. Once you get that dynamic and embrace it, things get easier with human relations in general.

 

Long time member and seen/experienced infidelity from a number of perspectives for decades. It is what it is. The winners in life do what they do to benefit themselves and the trail of others they leave in their wake matters not. So far they seem to have well-attended funerals reflecting that popularity even with the skeletons in their closet. Be attractive and don't be unattractive. Live for you. There are billions on the planet and they're interchangeable which is why infidelity and divorce are so commonplace.

 

Last tip: Avoid friendships with men unless (this is rare) a common interest is involved and the friendship revolves around that interest and is transparent to all. Men want to bang you. That's kinda crude but it is predominantly true. Married or single. The rest of the stuff is appearances.

 

 

This is spot on. My mm told me several times about the box he puts me into. And about how men can compartmentalize. And the rest of what Cahill says is right on the mark.

[abandoned2018]

He may love you. He may be in a miserable marriage and want out. But for whatever reason, he is staying. Maybe bc of "committed love" irregardless of whether he still loves her in a passionate way, he may be a coward. Who knows. Your story is similar in ways to mine, and it was sad to read. I, too, saw messages going back months and there was nothing indicating affection or playfulness or anything. All business. Nothing like our messages. While I felt satisfied after seeing these, it still didn't change anything.

 

I wish you strength to face the pain of waking away now. The pain only gets worse. It is an addiction and will be difficult. But do it for yourself. Love and care for "you" more than him. He is doing that very thing for himself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"he may be a coward"

 

 

 

 

yes, i think that thought so often ...

 

 

 

 

from what he says, it does seem that he is afraid to tell his parents and family that he is having an affair/that he wants out of the marriage... someone of his family was "thrown out" of the family because of having an affair and no one of the family talks with that family member even after 10+ years and it seems he is determined to stay no matter how much it makes him/me sad.

 

 

 

even though he says he is staying for the kid, i think a big part of the reasons he is staying is because he doesn't want to/is afraid to rock the boat.

[preraph]

I'm really sorry you're hurting. I realize some people meet someone married and think they're meant to be together, but you have to step back from your emotions and look at the irrevocable facts in any situation with someone married.

 

They have chosen to stay married or they'd be divorced. I don't care how crazy they tell you their spouse is and how they can't leave because he or she is illin or will kill herself, Irrevocable Fact #1: If they didn't want to be with them, they'd divorce.

 

If kids is the excuse, well, there you have it: They are going to stay in the relationship for the kids. I would always assume they have a civil relationship because otherwise, staying in it "for the kids" makes absolutely no sense and does more harm than good. So if they're "staying for the kids," unless they have no common sense, then they are also on good enough terms and having sex with their wife.

 

Irrevocable Fact #2: He doesn't want a replacement. He wants an extra. If he hasn't left, that's already proven, so don't even question it and flatter yourself that your love will bloom to such a degree because you're destined for each other that you'll ride off into the sunset. That's not his plan. He's already ridden off in the sunset with his wife. He can't imagine any other man ever having sex with his wife. Regardless that he's cheating on her.

 

Leads us to Irrevocable Fact #3: He's a cheater. Why do you want to keep him?

 

Look, I've been involved with separated men who then divorced, and that's not easy either, but to just jump in the middle of one who's married and making excuses for being married, you're just ignoring the reality that is right in front of you.

 

Don't let emotions over this man waste any more of your time. Just block him and never look at his social media and move on. Do NOT let him try to convert you to openly agreeing now to FWB. Oh, he will try once his wife isn't paying such close attention. Be smart. See it for what it is. See him for what he is.

 

Good luck.

[jah526]

“He can’t imagine any other man having sex with his wife.”

 

Yes, I think this is really the key to it. I believe these guys are very practical thinkers. The first goal is to to find the best woman they can - prettiest, sweetest, someone who’d be a good mother, etc. - and marry her in order to take her off the market. Once they’ve got that locked down, they are free to go out and play around.

 

So think about that if you’re the one he’s playing with. He’s already found and got what he considers the best at home.

[preraph]

All that nonsense about him being afraid to tell his family is just him manufacturing excuses for you. They always have some excuse why they can't leave that makes them look blameless. What nonsense. He's a grown man. That whole thing is a lie.

[BaileyB]

He lied to you, and you fell for it. It's as simple as that.

 

The good thing is, he's told you the truth now. He's not going to leave his wife. It's over. He doesn't love you enough. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's time to move on...

[whichwayisup]

This man is lying to you. He is lying and betraying his wife too! The woman who bared his child, the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends.

 

Give that some thought. Take time to think, really think things through and then ask yourself if he what he's told you about his marriage is actually true.

 

Those who are in crappy marriages and are unhappy do divorce, regardless of children or not. He is having his cake and eating it too. He's living life with his wife.

 

Please take care of you and grieve the loss. Get counseling so you can do this in a healthy way and not let this affair and man ruin you. He isn't worth it.

[abandoned2018]

“He can’t imagine any other man having sex with his wife.”

 

Yes, I think this is really the key to it. I believe these guys are very practical thinkers. The first goal is to to find the best woman they can - prettiest, sweetest, someone who’d be a good mother, etc. - and marry her in order to take her off the market. Once they’ve got that locked down, they are free to go out and play around.

 

So think about that if you’re the one he’s playing with. He’s already found and got what he considers the best at home.

 

 

“He can’t imagine any other man having sex with his wife.”

that is not true in this case.. he has talked with me about how he would not care if she was having an affair.. from what he says about her it is apparent that he has checked out emotionally from the marriage...

[abandoned2018]

All that nonsense about him being afraid to tell his family is just him manufacturing excuses for you. They always have some excuse why they can't leave that makes them look blameless. What nonsense. He's a grown man. That whole thing is a lie.

 

 

because of our cultural background, i think there is some truth in it...