His wife found out and he suddenly abandoned me.I am heart broken.... ....

[BaileyB]

Of goodness sake, go out this weekend. Calla friend, go for coffe, go shopping, go for a walk.. Distract yourself and clear your head so that you do not sit at home and obsess about this man. Live YOUR life!

[Lehcar1012]

He may care about you, maybe even love you. But not enough to make the changes to be with you. He loves her more. Sadly im just coming to this realization myself after a year and a half A that started as a 4 yr EA. I ended it today. I deserve more, better. And you do too, if you haven't realized it yet , you will. Everyone has a breaking point.

[preraph]

He isn't someone who can love on that level. If he was, he would have loved his wife enough to care about her feelings and not do anything so destructive. He loves himself and doesn't have any real respect for the women in his life.

 

You should read the No Contact section and prepare yourself to do that in the near future before he sucks you back in. If you stop contact, stop him from seeing your social media or being able to call and stop yourself from being able to see his and stay upset about it all the time, it will be easier to get over it. Then you go distract yourself by making yourself go do fun things that bring you joy either with friends or without (and if with friends, don't keep talking about it to them - the idea is to let them distract you and have periods of time when you don't think about it.) It can be going out with friends, going to the zoo to see the new baby giraffe, volunteering somewhere to put your problems into perspective a couple hours a week, which is very therapeutic, spending time with pets, taking up an old or new hobby.

 

Travel if you can afford it. Honestly, there is nothing like travel to give you a better perspective. When you travel to someplace new and realize there is a whole big Earth full of wonders to explore and so little time, you start being able to see that, as Bogart said in "Casablanca," "the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world." You see that he is just one of a billion men, and you might even start asking why in all those options, you choose one who is unavailable and get some perspective on yourself, or why an unavailable one chose you, what made you seem like a good target.

 

It's the quickest way back, I promise. Go find your zen.

[Lehcar1012]

Oh how I feel your pain...i was never really jealous of his W until the past 4 or 5 months. Then it became all I could think about as he started to pull further away from me. Images in my head of him eating with her, having sex with her, shopping with her, just being able to sit on the couch and watch movies with him which I rarely have been able to do in months. It started driving me crazy...he would tell me all the effort she was putting towards their marriage. Things she's never done until after our last Dday. Cooking his favorite meals, his mom's recipes. And it hurts because I'll never know his mom's recipes, buying him clothes, trying to rekindle the flame with him which has been dead for 15 years. And I noticed the way he talked about her changed over the last 2 months. Before he would talk about her in a formal, emotionless businesslike way...then slowly I started to hear the affection and love in his voice when he talked about her. He stopped texting me on weekends and started staying home and leaving me earlier. Stopped coming to see me in the mornings before work. I have no doubts that he loves me. I know he does. But he loves her more. He is willing to hurt me over and over to please her. It's become like a checklist he does with me. After work, he comes over, sex, shower, lay with me and say sweet words for 5 min. Then leaves. And I can tell he doesn't want to be here like he used to. Being the OW will screw you up mentally, emotionally...it will rip your self esteem to shreds. It's been 5 a and half years since our EA started. 1 and a half since A started. You will reach the point that you get tired of being put last. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I'm not getting any younger. I want to be happy.

Edited May 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
No need for entire quoted material for OP ~ V

[ViridianBlue]

Oh how I feel your pain...i was never really jealous of his W until the past 4 or 5 months. Then it became all I could think about as he started to pull further away from me. Images in my head of him eating with her, having sex with her, shopping with her, just being able to sit on the couch and watch movies with him which I rarely have been able to do in months. It started driving me crazy...he would tell me all the effort she was putting towards their marriage. Things she's never done until after our last Dday. Cooking his favorite meals, his mom's recipes. And it hurts because I'll never know his mom's recipes, buying him clothes, trying to rekindle the flame with him which has been dead for 15 years. And I noticed the way he talked about her changed over the last 2 months. Before he would talk about her in a formal, emotionless businesslike way...then slowly I started to hear the affection and love in his voice when he talked about her. He stopped texting me on weekends and started staying home and leaving me earlier. Stopped coming to see me in the mornings before work. I have no doubts that he loves me. I know he does. But he loves her more. He is willing to hurt me over and over to please her. It's become like a checklist he does with me. After work, he comes over, sex, shower, lay with me and say sweet words for 5 min. Then leaves. And I can tell he doesn't want to be here like he used to. Being the OW will screw you up mentally, emotionally...it will rip your self esteem to shreds. It's been 5 a and half years since our EA started. 1 and a half since A started. You will reach the point that you get tired of being put last. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I'm not getting any younger. I want to be happy.

 

I’m so sorry :/ So basically you ended up being the catalyst to making their marraige better. Almost like an unconventional therapist of sorts, I fear that same scenario in my situation.

[abandoned2018]

Oh how I feel your pain...i was never really jealous of his W until the past 4 or 5 months. Then it became all I could think about as he started to pull further away from me. Images in my head of him eating with her, having sex with her, shopping with her, just being able to sit on the couch and watch movies with him which I rarely have been able to do in months. It started driving me crazy...he would tell me all the effort she was putting towards their marriage. Things she's never done until after our last Dday. Cooking his favorite meals, his mom's recipes. And it hurts because I'll never know his mom's recipes, buying him clothes, trying to rekindle the flame with him which has been dead for 15 years. And I noticed the way he talked about her changed over the last 2 months. Before he would talk about her in a formal, emotionless businesslike way...then slowly I started to hear the affection and love in his voice when he talked about her. He stopped texting me on weekends and started staying home and leaving me earlier. Stopped coming to see me in the mornings before work. I have no doubts that he loves me. I know he does. But he loves her more. He is willing to hurt me over and over to please her. It's become like a checklist he does with me. After work, he comes over, sex, shower, lay with me and say sweet words for 5 min. Then leaves. And I can tell he doesn't want to be here like he used to. Being the OW will screw you up mentally, emotionally...it will rip your self esteem to shreds. It's been 5 a and half years since our EA started. 1 and a half since A started. You will reach the point that you get tired of being put last. I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I'm not getting any younger. I want to be happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

oh god... except for the time periods of your affair and the fact that he comes to visit you, everything else could have been written by me!after she found out this is what she is doing too. she is suddenly loving and romantic and he stopped texting me on weekends too. i feel your pain.... i am in the same boat.... is there a way to private message in this forum..?

[abandoned2018]

I’m so sorry :/ So basically you ended up being the catalyst to making their marraige better. Almost like an unconventional therapist of sorts, I fear that same scenario in my situation.

 

 

 

 

I am in the same situation... i am so sorry about what you are going through.

[Lehcar1012]

oh god... except for the time periods of your affair and the fact that he comes to visit you, everything else could have been written by me!after she found out this is what she is doing too. she is suddenly loving and romantic and he stopped texting me on weekends too. i feel your pain.... i am in the same boat.... is there a way to private message in this forum..?

 

 

I don't know if you can private message in this forum, maybe someone can tell us that?

[pepperbird]

oh god... except for the time periods of your affair and the fact that he comes to visit you, everything else could have been written by me!after she found out this is what she is doing too. she is suddenly loving and romantic and he stopped texting me on weekends too. i feel your pain.... i am in the same boat.... is there a way to private message in this forum..?

 

 

You still aren't seeing him for who he is.

 

 

You still see him as a victim of his big, bad meanie wife.

 

 

 

He's no victim, and there is every chance she is not acting any differently now then she ever was.

 

If she is suddenly more loving , then why do you think that is? He's probably led to her, told her you are nothing more than just a good friend, and if the cat is out of the bag about the EA, the he my well be holding the A over her head to try and get her to tow the line. That is a very common trait among men who cheat, get caught but keep the affair right on going.

 

If you need further incentive to put this cad in your rear view mirror, try playing devil's advocate and looking at the situation from his wife's point of view. How do you think he's treating you right now? How would you feel in her shoes? Does you think he's treating her well? If you want a sneak peek, read the infidelity section to see what a bs goes through.

 

I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty,but to show you the kind of nasty treatment he may well be dishing out to someone who really doesn't deserve it. Worse still he is taking absolutely no reprehensibility for his life and choices. It's all her fault, and I can pretty much guarantee you that when it comes to his wife, he'll reverse the situation and blame you. "It's not my fault honey, she chased me until I couldn't say no anymore":sick:

 

 

 

If he will treat her that way, you have a preview of what he can and very likely will do to you. Not every cheater s bound to remain one, but those who don;t take responsibility for their actions. they don't blame their spouse, the other woman/mn, the kids or anything but themselves. Sure, there may be extenuating circumstances, but unless someone is mentally ill or otherwise not in control of their faculties, there are always alternatives to dishonesty.

[Lehcar1012]

I’m so sorry :/ So basically you ended up being the catalyst to making their marraige better. Almost like an unconventional therapist of sorts, I fear that same scenario in my situation.

 

Unfortunately yes...she didn't realize what she had until someone else had him. But he tells me that he knows once he is back to the way he was before me, she will go back to being her old self. But I can tell he is enjoying it and his feelings are growing toward her again. Although he tells me he can never feel sexual attraction for her again. Lies.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, you can private message, but you have to have so many posts/time spent here before that feature is turned on for you. I forget what the parameters are, but I feel like it's at least 50 posts.

[Lehcar1012]

Yes, you can private message, but you have to have so many posts/time spent here before that feature is turned on for you. I forget what the parameters are, but I feel like it's at least 50 posts.

 

Thank you ?

[ViridianBlue]

Unfortunately yes...she didn't realize what she had until someone else had him. But he tells me that he knows once he is back to the way he was before me, she will go back to being her old self. But I can tell he is enjoying it and his feelings are growing toward her again. Although he tells me he can never feel sexual attraction for her again. Lies.

 

Does this make you want to pull back a bit, since he’s being such an obvious cake eater? Almost seems like from what you're saying he enjoys telling you about it. Could he be a narcissist?

I know in my situation it wears on me a lot, and I start to lose feelings for MM and become resentful.

[Deidre]

He doesn't love either of you, and you BOTH should dump him.

[abandoned2018]

Yes, you can private message, but you have to have so many posts/time spent here before that feature is turned on for you. I forget what the parameters are, but I feel like it's at least 50 posts.

 

 

 

 

thank you..

[abandoned2018]

Does this make you want to pull back a bit, since he’s being such an obvious cake eater? Almost seems like from what you're saying he enjoys telling you about it. Could he be a narcissist?

I know in my situation it wears on me a lot, and I start to lose feelings for MM and become resentful.

 

 

 

 

when MM tells me about what his wife is doing to get him to be close/loving i become resentful too.

[abandoned2018]

Unfortunately yes...she didn't realize what she had until someone else had him. But he tells me that he knows once he is back to the way he was before me, she will go back to being her old self. But I can tell he is enjoying it and his feelings are growing toward her again. Although he tells me he can never feel sexual attraction for her again. Lies.

 

 

 

 

i tried looking for the private message feature, could not find.

 

 

 

 

 

it's amazing how they say they don't love the wife and don't feel attracted etc and then the moment the wife starts showing them some love/affection/care/attention their feelings change.

 

 

 

 

 

in my case MM was neglected for 8 years and now only she is trying to win him back.

 

 

 

 

 

and i even know that she is not doing it out of love, but because she needs him to advance in her career and also because she does not want to face her family /friends after a divorce. love is not something you switch on and switch off...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

and i even know that she is not doing it out of love, but because she needs him to advance in her career and also because she does not want to face her family /friends after a divorce. love is not something you switch on and switch off...

 

Oh please. You do NOT know this. You know nothing about what goes on in their marriage except the lies he told you. If his wife was "neglecting" him for eight years and now she's trying to be a better partner, good for them for working on their marriage.

[BaileyB]

it's amazing how they say they don't love the wife and don't feel attracted etc and then the moment the wife starts showing them some love/affection/care/attention their feelings change.

 

and i even know that she is not doing it out of love, but because she needs him to advance in her career and also because she does not want to face her family /friends after a divorce. love is not something you switch on and switch off...

 

With all due respect, you know squat about this woman. You know only what he tells you and he is not a reliable reporter because he will say anything to get in your pants! Remember, you hear only his version of the "truth." And then, it goes through your own distorted filter of what you "want to hear" because you have a horse in this race too... You have a vested interest in thinking that she is not a good person and their marriage is not a good marriage.

 

Never forget. You know nothing about this woman. You know nothing about their marriage. You are on the outside looking in and as such, you have absolutely no idea what is happening between these people, in their home.

 

As for his change of feelings... Well darling, that should give you a big clue as to where his loyalty lays. And, it's not with you.

Edited May 28, 2018 by BaileyB

[AlwaysGrowing]

You might want to start by not taking the BW inventory....your own warehouse is in disarray.

 

It was never your place to be judge and jury of THEIR relationship.

 

Most do that so that they can JUSTIFY their own poor choices.

 

It simply doesnt matter the state of their relationship....it is ALWAYS wrong to put yourself in the middle of someone elses relationship.

 

Your choices stand on their own as YOUR choices. Trying to paint the BW as “bad” does not make your choices “good”.

 

It seems like you are not comfortable being in the OW role.

 

So change it.

[FMW]

The only thing you know is that he chooses to stay married to her.

[BaileyB]

The only thing you know is that he chooses to stay married to her.

 

This says it all. It is the only thing you know with certainty.

[Lehcar1012]

when MM tells me about what his wife is doing to get him to be close/loving i become resentful too.

 

Yes! I have noticed myself becoming very resentful towards him lately.

[pepperbird]

So this is the same guy with the sob story that his wife won't let him round his kid(s) so he has no choice but to sit texting you all day long?

 

 

op, really think about that for a minute. It sounds to me like he's more than happy to sit and let his wife do all the work while he fritters away his time texting you, then blames his wife for his behavior.

 

If you don't believe me, just look back at his statements about his marriage. How much responsibility does he take for his own behavior? If he blames it all on her, then you have a pretty good preview of what life with him would be like.

 

 

Of course he's going to run her down and do his best to make her look bad, but he is anything but stuck. If he wanted to divorce, he could. From what you say, he hardly gets and time with his child(ren) now anyway, so what difference would it really make? He might actually have to put his phone down, ignore you and start spending some time with them.

 

I'm not saying this because I think they should stay together ( personally, I think she' be better of without him), but because I don't like seeing someone being kept on the hook. The whole time he's weaseling his way around you, he's probably telling his wife how wonderful she is, how sorry he is, how you chased him, how you men nothing to him, how he will ever, ever contact you again. If want to find out the truth. call his wife and ask.You might be very shocked at what you find out, but at least you would know.

[georgia girl]

i tried looking for the private message feature, could not find.

 

 

 

 

 

it's amazing how they say they don't love the wife and don't feel attracted etc and then the moment the wife starts showing them some love/affection/care/attention their feelings change.

 

 

 

 

 

in my case MM was neglected for 8 years and now only she is trying to win him back.

 

 

 

 

 

and i even know that she is not doing it out of love, but because she needs him to advance in her career and also because she does not want to face her family /friends after a divorce. love is not something you switch on and switch off...

 

Abandoned,

 

I know you believe what he has told you about his wife and marriage and I would guess that he appeared very sincere and gave detailed examples. But here’s what you don’t know:

 

All of the stories he has told you are of the bad times; he isn’t likely sharing stories of the good times. That wouldn’t allow him to justify his behavior.

 

He says she’s ignored him/been neglectful, but he’s the one out cheating while she has stayed faithful. Plus, he is again telling you the stories where he was left out. What about the times when she changed plans for him, did something special for him? You don’t think they exist because he doesn’t tell you those stories but again, he has absolutely no incentive to.

 

From my own history, when my dad’s other woman called up my mom, she told my mother what a gold digger she was, how she mistreated my dad and put the kids ahead of him, how she never allowed my dad to pursue his own interests and never tried to spend time with him. What hurt my mom the most was she knew that her impression had come directly from my dad.

 

The truth? My mom married my dad when they were young and poor - the money came later. My mom put us kids first because dad was never home. She allowed him to pursue his interests repeatedly - agreeing to buying a second family home where he wanted and all of the acroutrements that came with it. And finally, she did that - when the second home wasn’t something she really wanted - so we could spend time together and she and dad could have time alone. We always went on vacation where HE wanted and my mom made a home cooked, full-course dinner every night - which he often showed up late for.

 

My dad very likely believed what he had told his OW at the time. When he finally got his head on straight - and it took years - I think that was one of the things that bothered my mom the most. That all of her years of sacrifice, he had filtered them through his selfish lens to make his behavior not just acceptable, but justifiable.

 

In the end, what he said wasn’t true and I am telling you this because I know you want so very badly to believe your MM. But, believing him is the absolutely worst thing you can do for yourself. You likely have spent the weekend pining for him and can’t wait to get back to work on Tuesday. Is that any way to live your life?

 

Please start disentangling yourself and when free, spend a little time figuring out why you ever allowed yourself to set yourself up for disaster. Married men are exactly that: married. They have a life, commitments, family and a love somewhere else. By picking someone who already loved someone else - despite what they say at the time - you set yourself up to compete for love and that is soul destroying. Find someone who enriched you. Who wants to be with you full time. Who wants to share meals, chores, vacations, daily life, family and bills with you. Don’t pick someone who has made and is still making that commitment to someone else.

 

You sound so committed to him. I hope you keep reading here - look up old threads and read incessantly until you see the cold hard truth: 98% of these stories end the same way. This is a recipe for disaster.