His wife found out and he suddenly abandoned me.I am heart broken.... ....

[abandoned2018]

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/648094-gf-ow-2.html

 

 

i am reading some posts from this thread over and over... to "hammer in" the truth to my brain..

[stillafool]

The majority of MM do not leave their marriages and move on to the OW. She is often viewed as part of the demise of his marriage and all of the bad memories that occurred. They don't want a reminder of the pain they've caused so they move on to someone new.

 

I'm sorry you're hurt but now that you've seen his true face I hope this time you'll move on before more damage is done.

[bathtub-row]

He’s too chicken to tell you he wants to end it so he’s pulling the classic move that a lot of people use - push you so hard that you’re forced to end it. Most people reading this are probably taken back that you would persist with trying to engage with this man when he’s clearly treating you horribly. The only thing you’re accomplishing is making him disrespect you even more.

 

This isn’t a man who’s interested in the same things you are. Stop thinking about it in terms of your value. It has nothing to do with that. It has to do with a situation that is now such a tangled web it’s insane.

 

You seem to think him saying he doesn’t want to end things with you actually means what you want it to mean. PAY ATTENTION TO HIS ACTIONS - THEY TELL YOU EVERYTHING. And I would advise you to turn off the waterworks. Tears do nothing for a man who’s already trying to distance himself. He has told you what you needed to hear — he’s not thinking long term with you. Hold your head high and extract yourself from this living hell. True love does not make you feel like this.

[ElKay]

Threaten that you want to meet his wife and see how quickly he bails on you... His true colors will show.

[abandoned2018]

he told me yesterday that he needs time. because i hurt him by cutting the call.

 

 

 

well, what about him hurting me by ignoring me and then saying he does not like me when i tried discussing with him about ignoring me?

 

 

 

 

this whole situation made me think about another issue which i decided to post as a separate topic in General Relationship Discussion

 

 

 

as for him, i am going to wait and see. this might actually be the incident which will make me realize who he really is.... i am distancing myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i hurt him by cutting the line.eh? what about all those times when i want to talk/message him and can't because his wife is there? doesn't that hurt me? what about my feelings? it seems they doesn't matter. what about all the things i want from a relationship and he can't provide? doesn't that hurt me? i am still with him despite all that and he can't deal with it when i just cut the line once.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

i hurt him by cutting the line.eh? what about all those times when i want to talk/message him and can't because his wife is there? doesn't that hurt me? what about my feelings? it seems they doesn't matter. what about all the things i want from a relationship and he can't provide? doesn't that hurt me? i am still with him despite all that and he can't deal with it when i just cut the line once.

 

Why are you putting up with this?

[stillafool]

he told me yesterday that he needs time. because i hurt him by cutting the call.

 

Boy, he's getting desperate for excuses.

[Overtaxed]

we had a conversation about "what if" he was free... what will he do... he has told me before that if he was free he would have married me.. now, on this conversation he said if he was free from her he would like to be alone as he does not like "marriage" anymore..

 

He IS FREE. It's his decision. He can walk home today and say "I want a D" and be "free" by the end of the night. He's not doing that because he doesn't want to. His wife isn't holding a gun to his head to keep him married, he's getting things from the M that are MORE IMPORTANT than the things he's getting from you. If the situation were reversed, he'd D. It really is that simple, I hate to say it harshly, but all the flowery "if only" talk makes is seem like one of the AP's is dead or in jail. They're NOT. They can do it anytime they want to. Yes, there are downsides, and there are upsides (get to be with the AP full time). The downsides outweigh the upsides. It's that simple.

[ladydesigner]

You still aren't seeing him for who he is.

 

^^^This is on point. In fact us BS's have this issue as well. These MM have something broken in them to hurt other people in this fashion. Some of these MM (like my WS) have a personality disorder which makes them this way and there is no help or medication or enough therapy to help them change.

 

There is a saying that is usually said to the betrayed but I think it applies here as well.

 

When they (MM) show you who they are, believe them.

 

Best of luck to you. My wish for you is to get out there and find someone who will move mountains for you.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My wish for you is to get out there and find someone who will move mountains for you.

 

Yes.

[What_Did_I_Do]

<snip>

i hurt him by cutting the line.eh? what about all those times when i want to talk/message him and can't because his wife is there? doesn't that hurt me? what about my feelings? it seems they doesn't matter. what about all the things i want from a relationship and he can't provide? doesn't that hurt me? i am still with him despite all that and he can't deal with it when i just cut the line once.

 

OP, his 'hurt' and need for time is a twisted way of putting you back in your OW place...and it's working. Unfortunately your wants, needs and hurt will always be completely irrelevant to him. He needs to call the shots and you cutting the conversation short was stepping over the line.

 

But that's how they play the game. The old saying goes...the one that cares least in a relationship holds the most power.

 

I hope you want better for yourself. You deserve a man who does care about you and makes you his priority.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Prudence V]

I last posted on June 15th and here is what happened between then and now..

 

<snip>

 

he has never behaved like this before. and today i feel that the end is near. i did not slam the phone down i just cut the line. and for that he punished me all day. that is not very loving... i am slowly beginning to see him for who is.... someone who does not love me enough

 

this is not a life. This man is treating you badly.

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[abandoned2018]

OP, his 'hurt' and need for time is a twisted way of putting you back in your OW place...and it's working. Unfortunately your wants, needs and hurt will always be completely irrelevant to him. He needs to call the shots and you cutting the conversation short was stepping over the line.

 

But that's how they play the game. The old saying goes...the one that cares least in a relationship holds the most power.

 

I hope you want better for yourself. You deserve a man who does care about you and makes you his priority.

 

 

 

 

thank you.

[abandoned2018]

Finally it's over.... i love him but i reached a point where i can't take it anymore...

 

i do feel like dying. the only thing stopping me from suicide is the thought how sad my parents and brother will be without me...after July, i never could discuss anything with him. he always accused me saying "you are fighting" whenever i tried to discuss any issue... there was a disagreement because he promised to take me on a trip and then he said he can't. i said okay, then please tell me when you can arrange it? for that he got angry with me and didn't talk with me for a month... that was in October.

 

he slowly changed... before, he would listen to issues and solve things... of late whenever i talked about an issue he would get angry and say you are fighting let's stop this. and then he will be gone for weeks. then my birthday came and he was all sweet and nice... then again we had an issue. he went on a trip with her, i asked if he loves her now... (because he arranged the trip, he suggested it to her) he said yes he loves her and he said he does not love me. well, i was so stupid wasn't i .... i trusted his words when he said he does not love her and loves me.

 

now it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest and i don't know how much longer i can hold on to my life and my sanity.

it hurts so much... i love him so much...

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

For your sake I hope it really is over for good. The pain will never stop as long as he is in your life. No man is worth killing yourself over, especially not this man. Have you ever had any counselling? You may want to look into getting some. Your perspective is skewed and I feel like you could use some help getting a clearer picture of reality. You have always looked at this man as if he is some big prize, as if he is some person of high value that you need to have at all costs. He is not the man you have built him up to be in your imagination. He's no prize, he's just some pathetic married dude who selfishly hurts people.

[abandoned2018]

thank you....

 

i have never had counseling...

 

it astonished me that he could hurt me like this..

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

Seems to me that there is a myth perpetuated that the love of a married man is somehow extra special.

"He must love me lots to risk everything for me... "

He somehow deserves his OW to tie herself in knots to accommodate his needs.

His OW needs to be extra tolerant, extra caring, extra bullet proof, extra teflon coated to fend off all the BS and lies he throws in her direction...

She will often suffer torment and torture in return for scraps too.

 

Most MM only love themselves, if truth be known. When his wife found out he threw you under the proverbial bus. You wanted "more" so became a nuisance to him... You were supposed to stay in your OW box, so he got annoyed... you threatened all he holds dear...

 

Grieve heal and move on.

He genuinely is not worth the dirt from under your nails...

Get angry, get strong, get free...

[Giraffe-A]

It’s easy for them not to care because you’re not their reality. You are an escape. You know where you stand when you demand he leave her to be with you. He wont. Watch his wife demand he stop talking to you. In a heartbeat!

Affairs rarely work out. All the stars and planets have to align just right for this scenario to work out. Hearing success stories from other women will only give you false hopes. This guy already said he wants the best chance at success for his kid. You should let him do that.

Ultimately, what he has said about his wife may be true. He may not feel like a man. You helped him with your loving and caring attention to rebuild himself again and now that you have achieved that, he’s got the courage to fight for his marriage. Please just walk away.

[abandoned2018]

Seems to me that there is a myth perpetuated that the love of a married man is somehow extra special.

"He must love me lots to risk everything for me... "<snip>

 

Most MM only love themselves, if truth be known. When his wife found out he threw you under the proverbial bus. You wanted "more" so became a nuisance to him... You were supposed to stay in your OW box, so he got annoyed... you threatened all he holds dear...

<snip>

 

yes, i kept thinking "oh my god he is risking everything for me"

 

yes, he said he expects me to understand that he is married.and understand that he has to live that life.

 

when i think back, i think he started accusing me saying i fight, whenever i discussed my insecurities, needs etc... i guess he just wanted me not to talk about my feelings needs etc .. and adjust and be silent...

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[abandoned2018]

It’s easy for them not to care because you’re not their reality. You are an escape. You know where you stand when you demand he leave her to be with you. He wont. Watch his wife demand he stop talking to you. In a heartbeat!

Affairs rarely work out. All the stars and planets have to align just right for this scenario to work out. Hearing success stories from other women will only give you false hopes. This guy already said he wants the best chance at success for his kid. You should let him do that.

Ultimately, what he has said about his wife may be true. He may not feel like a man. You helped him with your loving and caring attention to rebuild himself again and now that you have achieved that, he’s got the courage to fight for his marriage. Please just walk away.

 

 

wow.... amazing .... i never thought of that in that way, but now that you have said it i think this is a truth which i never saw before. in fact i now remember him saying something to this effect... not about fighting for the marriage but about how i give him the strength to tolerate his marriage problems...

[abandoned2018]

so another day has passed and the pain in my chest remains.. i feel a tightness in my chest and also a hollow feeling inside... i guess some of you who stopped the affairs know what i am talking about....

 

i keep asking myself why he tells me i am fighting with him when i start to talk about any issue... it 1st started when i one day cut the line when he called and he got angry with me for 1 month... and then he again got angry when i asked him to please tell me the time period you will take me on a trip. i am guessing this change happened because i started asking questions like why he can't get divorced etc... and i keep asking myself how can he hurt me so much... he said he does not love his wife and loves me and now suddenly he says he loves her and not me.how can a human being cause so much pain to another human being?

even though he is not with me and he is hers and those two facts hurt me very much, i went through those pains thinking he loves me.... and now, suddenly it feels like the rug has been pulled off from beneath my feet...

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[FMW]

You need to focus your attention and effort on truly accepting it's over. Believe me, I know that is a very difficult thing.

 

Since you can't stop thinking about him (I understand) then force yourself to switch your thoughts only to the hurtful things he's done and said. And realize what kind of man he really is that he would say/do those things to hurt you, all the while lying to and cheating on the woman he publicly vowed to be faithful to.

 

Stop trying to figure out why - it's an impossible pursuit and only keeps you bound to him. He's manipulative and cruel and turns things back on you and rejects all responsibility for the situation. Know that he plays similar games with his wife. Stop going around in circles in your mind.

 

I've been there (I'm still trying to move on from it), I understand that the attachment to him can't be rationally explained but is very strong and real.

 

But unless you want to be miserable forever, you have to do the hard work to accept the truth and move forward to a much happier life. You are keeping yourself trapped in unhappiness.

[FMW]

abandoned, I just came across an old post by someone who goes by the username "Grapesofwrath" that goes along with what I posted above and might help you:

 

"we choose our thoughts. Our thoughts inform our emotions. If you keep telling yourself that you love the MM who uses you and deceives his wife, then you will continue to believe that you love him and will therefore feel pain. Start telling yourself the truth: He is a liar. You can never trust him. What he offers you is not love. You are better off on your own than living a life of being someone's second choice. You deserve so much more than this."

[abandoned2018]

it seems i am unable to move forward. i feel betrayed because i trusted him when he said he loves me... maybe it's better if i go to a psychiatrist ... i get something like a panic attack or anxiety attack or something.i don't know what it is but my hands start to shake and it becomes difficult to breathe.

 

 

and i keep reminding my self the pain i felt because i could not do anything normal couples do and the pain i felt when i thought about him kissing her being with her etc... and i keep telling myself i don't want to be someone's second choice... he TOLD me im the 1st choice but those are just words.... in reality she is the number one. she is the one who he selected to be with.

[misspalmy]

It’s easy for them not to care because you’re not their reality. You are an escape. You know where you stand when you demand he leave her to be with you. He wont. Watch his wife demand he stop talking to you. In a heartbeat!

Affairs rarely work out. All the stars and planets have to align just right for this scenario to work out. Hearing success stories from other women will only give you false hopes. This guy already said he wants the best chance at success for his kid. You should let him do that.

Ultimately, what he has said about his wife may be true. He may not feel like a man. You helped him with your loving and caring attention to rebuild himself again and now that you have achieved that, he’s got the courage to fight for his marriage. Please just walk away.

 

some men do love there OW look at prince charles and camilla there affair end up together years years later.