wife has separation anxiety. Is this a female thing?

[morrowrd]

I have been going on camping trips in the spring, since 1991. Sometimes for several days - I like the freshness of spring, the quiet of the forest, and wandering there is recharging. To the point, my wife is very snotty with texts she sends while I'm out there (hope I'm not interrupting but - ) and cold when I come home. It takes her a couple days to snap out of it. This past trip (I go Thurs - Fri so I'm home Friday evening for the weekend) it turned into somewhat of a conflict.

 

A little background - we have been married a month, but living together for 2 years, 2 1/2 in a relationship. We work together, and we have been friends 13 years before our romance started (story in itself) so she was well aware of these trips long ago. I have changed them to not be so long, only two day excursions, once per week during the months of April and May. I'm here the rest of the week and weekends - I adore her, give her plenty of affection and attention, I love her and always try to make her feel safe, secure, needed, and wanted. She's told me that this is the first time in her life where she feels safe - which makes me feel good. However, these forest trips have been part of my life for a long time, and I'm not giving them up. She tells me it's separation anxiety, a female thing. Last night we went out on a date, and talked about this issue. She says that inside she misses me, and wants to jump into my arms when I come home, but somehow can't. Her walls go up, and she says its because of the separation, inside she's afraid of losing me and disengages emotionally, as a defense mechanism. I've been married before, and in other relationships before her, nothing like this ever happened....with these trips.

 

Is this a her thing? or a female thing?

[Art_Critic]

You take off 2 days per week for months and not include her and you expect her to not have a problem being away while you are away and you have cut the time down...

Why get married or she is probably feeling that way anyhow..if you are going to push her out of your life for one week a month.

I get that you need some space, but in a marriage, a new one for you the coupling is pretty important to make the bond to live happily forever.

 

Why not include her in one every now and then, maybe after she gets what you are doing she will give you the space you need, and you need to bring her more into your life and not exclude her from such a large part of it.

 

Basically a compromise...

[somanymistakes]

A lot of women are trained to treat their natural reactions as some mysterious female thing. Honestly this sounds like a normal human thing, but she doesn't know how else to put it. She feels vulnerable in the relationship because you are going away a lot. She associates "feeling vulnerable in romance" as being a "female thing" so she describes it that way.

 

Some people are more clingy than others.

 

You're only recently married, she's probably feeling more uncertain about herself right now.

 

Does she WANT to be included in the trips? Or does she just feel a bit sulky about you being gone? Try to talk together with her about what she really wants, not just what she feels like she's supposed to want. She may have a lot of confused feelings about how newlyweds are supposed to behave and instinctively feel like this means you don't love her because your behavior doesn't fit the standard pattern... but that doesn't necessarily mean that deep down she wants you to change.

 

It may be that once she gets used to being married, she'll be more okay with you being gone. Or that she'll even enjoy teasing you about being gone and getting some pampering in return.

[carhill]

we have been friends 13 years before our romance started (story in itself) so she was well aware of these trips long ago

we have been married a month, but living together for 2 years, 2 1/2 in a relationship

 

You got married and now she owns you

 

Classic man/woman thing. Man gets married expecting same/same, woman gets married and expects change/change. The trips are the tip of the change iceberg, IMO.

 

How much stink did she make about the trips in the 2 1/2 years you were together before being married?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How old is she? Anxiety can greatly increase with the onset of peri-menopause or menopause.

 

FWIW, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

[bathtub-row]

I guess I'd have to wonder why she doesn't go with you on at least some of those trips, and why you wouldn't want her to. Having said that, she knew this was something you've always done and she's being childish in the way she's behaving. It tells me that she doesn't trust you; like she had a father who either deserted her or cheated on her mother. If that's the case, you've got a nightmare on your hands.

 

As far as I'm concerned, there can be too much togetherness in marriages and getting some distance can be a good thing. It shouldn't mean losing your freedom to be you. I'm assuming you don't do these trips all year, that they're just seasonal.

[somanymistakes]

You got married and now she owns you

 

Classic man/woman thing. Man gets married expecting same/same, woman gets married and expects change/change.

 

If you tell me that you've never heard a story of a couple getting married and then the man demands that the woman stay home all the time because "you're my wife now", I won't believe you

[d0nnivain]

Your wife doesn't have separation anxiety, If she did, she would freak out every single time you walk out the door for even an hour. It's also not a condition limited to women.

 

How was she about these trips when she was your friend? How was she when she was your GF or FI? Truth is, now that she is your wife of only a month, especially during this honeymoon phase of your relationship she probably thought you would want to spend the time with her not running away to be by yourself in the woods. You have been married to this woman for 30 days & left her for 8. She feels rejected & unimportant but isn't expressing that to you.

 

Is she welcome on the trips? Can you cut down on them? Why do you have to go every week abandoning your new bride? You see these trips as rejuvenation. She sees them as rejection. What do you care more about your weekly trips or your marriage? Marriage requires compromise so something is gonna half to give.

[carhill]

If you tell me that you've never heard a story of a couple getting married and then the man demands that the woman stay home all the time because "you're my wife now", I won't believe you

Nope, can't say I have, past my parents generation anyway, and that was decades ago. If it did happen the woman must've simply ignored the man, not uncommon even today, which I'd suggest to the OP here. Go on your trips buddy and enjoy your life. You're married, not dead. Don't be a doormat.

[BettyDraper]

This is one of those situations when compromise is important.

 

I don't think that you should have to give up your trips completely. Perhaps you can make them less frequent though. You are a newlywed so this is the time for cocooning. Refusing to make an effort to meet your wife halfway is selfish. It would also be unreasonable for her to expect you to never take such trips again.

 

It could be helpful for your wife to develop some hobbies of her own. I just don't think that hobbies and getaways should ever take precedence over a marriage.

[Shining One]

Basically a compromise...

Marriage requires compromise so something is gonna half to give.

This is one of those situations when compromise is important.

Wouldn't this be considered a compromise? Or by compromise, do you mean give up the trips entirely?

I have changed them to not be so long, only two day excursions, once per week during the months of April and May.

[Art_Critic]

Wouldn't this be considered a compromise? Or by compromise, do you mean give up the trips entirely?

 

Well.. he is married.. if he was gone 5 of 7 days a week for months at a time this early in the marriage I doubt his marriage would survive.

So.. no it isn't a compromise on this issue.. maybe one where he made when he got married in order to stay married.

 

This issue requires another maybe him including her rather than him changing the days

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well.. he is married.. if he was gone 5 of 7 days a week for months at a time this early in the marriage I doubt his marriage would survive.

So.. no it isn't a compromise on this issue.. maybe one where he made when he got married in order to stay married.

 

This issue requires another maybe him including her rather than him changing the days

 

He's only going 2 days a week for 2 months out of the year.

 

This is no different than someone who is a "hunting widow." Shall we ban all hunters from getting married?

[Art_Critic]

He's only going 2 days a week for 2 months out of the year.

 

This is no different than someone who is a "hunting widow." Shall we ban all hunters from getting married?

 

If that is all then it isn't so bad but they have only been married 30 days and he is gone 8 of those in the next month.

 

BTW, hunting widows are in the same situation.. but many wives also go with the hunter.. my brothers wife does that..

 

I can't imagine being a hunting widow is good for a brand new fresh marriage.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If that is all then it isn't so bad but they have only been married 30 days and he is gone 8 of those in the next month.

 

BTW, hunting widows are in the same situation.. but many wives also go with the hunter.. my brothers wife does that..

 

I can't imagine being a hunting widow is good for a brand new fresh marriage.

 

But they have lived together for 2 years and known each other for 13. Surely this is not news to her, AND she already knows him very well! Maybe I'm being ignorant, but I hardly think the first 30 days of married life is as that much of a honeymoon period when you've already lived together for the last 2 years.

 

I don't know...I just would not care one iota about this arrangement.

[Art_Critic]

I don't know...I just would not care one iota about this arrangement.

 

That's the thing, she does...

 

If he just ignores her plea for a change what next ?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's the thing, she does...

 

If he just ignores her plea for a change what next ?

 

He's already made adjustments, though. For her. I suppose he could reduce it to every other weekend and then stretch it out to 3 months instead of two......I suspect she still will not be happy with this.

 

OP, does she want to go WITH you?

[Art_Critic]

He's already made adjustments, though. For her.

 

I do disagree with this.. he already made changes for both of them, the marriage... any change at this point would be for her, the compromise

[Shining One]

That's the thing, she does...

 

If he just ignores her plea for a change what next ?

Wouldn't this be the sort of thing to bring up for discussion before marriage?

[Art_Critic]

Wouldn't this be the sort of thing to bring up for discussion before marriage?

 

or within the first 30 days

 

Not all items have to be decided before the marriage.. if that were true they would never grow

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

or within the first 30 days

 

Not all items have to be decided before the marriage.. if that were true they would never grow

 

It matters not to you that they lived together for 2 years prior to the marriage? The piece of paper has suddenly changed things?

[Art_Critic]

It matters not to you that they lived together for 2 years prior to the marriage? The piece of paper has suddenly changed things?

 

I've done them both, lived with someone before marriage and then not before marriage, lived with girls and never got married and I can say that living together for me was totally different than after being married...

 

So.. yeah.. they weren't married 2 years ago, they were married 30 days ago..

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I've done them both, lived with someone before marriage and then not before marriage, lived with girls and never got married and I can say that living together for me was totally different than after being married...

So.. yeah.. they weren't married 2 years ago, they were married 30 days ago..

 

How so? I'm curious. Did you live with someone for two years before marriage, for comparison sake?

[BettyDraper]

How so? I'm curious. Did you live with someone for two years before marriage, for comparison sake?

 

If marriage is important to a couple, it adds a certain level of permanency and security to their relationship which doesn't compare to living together.

Marriage is far more than just a "piece of paper." There are legal, social, emotional and financial benefits to marriage.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If marriage is important to a couple, it adds a certain level of permanency and security to their relationship which doesn't compare to living together.

Marriage is far more than just a "piece of paper." There are legal, social, emotional and financial benefits to marriage.

 

I agree, but I don't see how that equates to him suddenly not being allowed to have any alone time. I don't think it is healthy for couples to be together 24/7. One of the most unhappy wives I know is with her husband, literally, 24/7.