I feel violated but I actually wasn't

[WokeWeedie]

So my fiance (male) and I (female) have recently opened up our relationship to outside hookups and friends with benefits. I met one guy I really clicked with and thought i met another but it turned into a ****ing nightmare.

 

We met on a dating site, seemed to click really, really well, and agreed to meet for beer at a local brewery. I was very attracted to him from the beginning, something that he would later use to manipulate me.

 

This guy was German, so he had the foreign appeal thing going on. It became apparent, however, that he was pretty right-wing. Ok, fine, I can work with that as long as there's a mutual respect for differences in opinion. He claimed he was fine with that.

 

Eventually we went back to his place and hooked up. It was fun, we used a condom, it went well until after we both finished. I thought we were gearing up for round 2, but he was clearly done. Ok, fine, it was pretty fun either way. But then he starts in on the "invasion" of his country by the "animals." I declared that some Muslims were good people, to which he declared there was no such thing. Warning sirens going off in my head at this point.

 

I tried steering the conversation back to something light, like sex or even a less passionate area of politics. But he was clearly set on screaming his political opinions into my face. When I expressed that he was being hostile and seemed angry, I was told I was at fault for not being able to handle it. He kicked me out and told me never to contact him again.

 

All that happened was consensual. Not once did I have a problem with the hookup, even if it had never happened again. He confessed during his screaming that he was a diagnosed psychopath, and that he knew he would never be compatible with anyone. After he threw me out the door, I texted expressing regret over how it went but saying I would be willing to talk once we both calmed down.

 

I don't remember what was said in response, but it was bad enough I couldn't drive for almost 10 minutes because I was crying so hard.

 

I don't know what happened. All I know is that I feel cheap, used, and like I am the stupidest woman in the world. I have been crying off and on ever since it happened. Even then, I worry I have now pushed him away by clinging to hard to the fact he is a kind, decent person.

 

This is the lowest I have been in a long time and I hate that someone else has the power to make me feel this way.

 

Any hate or slut-shaming will not be tolerated.

Edited May 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[bathtub-row]

Someone tells you (and demonstrates it to you) that they're a diagnosed psychotic and you're still willing to discuss things once they calm down? What are you thinking -- that insanity is a temporary condition? That it can be reasoned with?

 

I'm sure you don't want to hear it but what you and your fiance are doing is a very dangerous game - for your relationship and for you, as a woman. It belittles you in so many ways. Not to mention that hooking up with strangers and having sex with them is just simply a really bad idea on so many levels. People who are up for that are most likely going to be somewhat anti-social, have diseases, and/or have problematic relationships in general. And, no, condoms will not always protect you from diseases.

 

What's concerning to me, aside from what appears to be a serious lack of self-worth on your part, is how naive you seem to be when it comes to people and the world in general. There are far more fruitcakes out there than you may realize. Case in point, this guy you slept with. And, btw, just as a side point, you can't imagine the horrors those countries are going through with the people who have invaded them. Yes, I agree that many Muslims are good people but there's also a huge amount of them that are wreaking havoc on these countries. Read up on it if you don't already know. I can understand his frustration, although he's obviously not playing with a full deck.

 

Another word of caution. Don't be surprised if your fiance meets a woman he respects and wouldn't dream of sharing her with other men.

[FilterCoffee]

Hey WW,

 

I’m sorry you had such a bad experience. I think the mistake you made with this guy was that you tried to have a conversation with him after you knew his extreme views. Maybe with people like this who you’re only physically attracted to a good policy could be sex and nothing else? With others, where you have more in common with, you could stick around after the sex.

[collegeguy_24]

I'm the fiance of the OP here, and I sent her to this forum to seek help and support. Not to be told she is degrading herself by having an open relationship. I fully support our relationship, so for some people who don't know us dare to assume I will find someone else I don't want to share is insulting.

Edited May 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[WokeWeedie]

Please read the whole thing. I did not know the extreme views until after.

[d0nnivain]

Open relationships aren't my thing but that isn't the problem here.

 

You met some guy. You could have met him while you were single. Again, open relationship is not the problem.

 

You & the guy start talking. You realize his politics differs from yours. You have sex & things seem OK even though you are up for round 2, he's not.

 

The he starts with the politics of hate. That, honey, was you cue to leave. It was not an invitation to stick around, lighten the conversation or try to change his closed mind. Those warning sirens in your head were there to protect you. You ignored them at your own peril. Your first issue needs to be why you didn't heed those inner warnings?

 

You have Serious self esteem issues. The fact that you think you did something to make this guy act like that is disturbing. The fact that you think this is your fault gives you a victim mentality that sets you up in dangerous situations over & over. You expressing regret & crying breaks my heart. You need to look deep in yourself & figure out where this willingness to put up with that level of abuse comes from. In your shoes I would be have been angry, aggravated & oh so happy to be away from such a nasty person. I would be worrying about why I didn't see what a jerk he was before I slept with him. Instead you are blaming yourself. Where is that coming from?

 

 

Please get some counseling to determine why some stranger's rantings have you so discombobulated.

Edited May 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[Zahara]

Too much emotion invested in a hookup with a stranger. There is no reason why this stranger should cause you to question your value, and since you are, it's indicative that you should reflect as to why his words have rattled you so much that you have now devalued yourself.

 

It doesn't seem like you are emotionally strong enough or have healthy self-esteem to handle the dynamics of an open relationship.

 

Also, why were you trying to appease a psychopath and trying to earn his validation and acceptance? That is disturbing. If anything you should have been running out of there thanking your lucky stars. Who knows what would have happened if you stayed and things escalated. There was potential for it to be a dangerous situation. You should feel relieved that you got out safely. Instead you texted him hoping to talk when he calmed down. Nope, not good, not good, not good.

 

If you want to continue on this path, then you need to set some stronger boundaries for yourself and really figure out if this is truly what you want, but most importantly, able to handle. Maybe this is not for you. It doesn't seem like you are cut out for it.

Edited May 21, 2018 by Zahara

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

How odd. I wonder what it is about sex that triggers him to spew vile political views in such a way!

[Shining One]

How odd. I wonder what it is about sex that triggers him to spew vile political views in such a way!

I don't think the sex triggered it. It's more likely that he got what he wanted (sex) and he was now free to say whatever. He knows if he said these things before sex then the sex would not have happened.

[RecentChange]

If you are crying for days about this I do not think casual sex or swinging is for you.

 

You have to be able to put your emotions in a separate box than sex.

 

This was cheap sex, nothing more, yet this psychopath is in your head and making you cry.

 

You need to get your prospects much better and you need a much thicker skin if this is really the lifestyle you want. It's not for everyone, you have to be a master at compartmentalization, have a very strong primary relationship and very high self esteem.

 

And I wish the like button worked!!! Totally agree with Donovan Zahara.

Edited May 22, 2018 by RecentChange