Avoidant attachment style, how to heal?

[Mikasut]

Hi, this is my first post in this forum.

 

Im 34 years old male and I just realized that I have dismissive avoidant attachment style. I do not like to share my feelings with other people, and in general I prefer spending time alone instead of being in company of others. Being with others feels draining, altough I like to be in company of other people at times.

 

I had a relationship with one woman and we broke up couple of months ago. The way I see the women is that they do not care if you feel bad. They always want you to be "a mountain". Always strong. Never weak or needy. This is also what many relationship experts advice. I just don´t think I can be like that all the time. For me it is very difficult to be vulnerable with women, because I am constantly afraid that they see it as "weak" or "needy". At the same time, being in a relationship where I have to hide some aspects of myself does not feel very appealing. But unfortunately, this is how I see relationships. There is no room for being needy or vulnerable. You have to be the mountain all the time. If you are not, a woman instantly loses her attraction to you and leave you. So in relationships I always feel that I am walking on the eggshells. One mistake, and its done. One sign of weakness or neediness. So, I take the other route. I leave before I get left. I do not express how I feel deep down. Why bother, because in my experience women do not really care about how you feel. I know this maybe sounds bitter, but I am not resentful or angry. I am just sad. You just have to be emotionally strong all the time. I have been talking about this with some of my friends, and I am not the only one that thinks this way. For me the rules of relationship for man are very simple. Do not feel. Do not talk. Just listen and be attentive when your woman needs you, but never ever be vulnerable. It is a big mistake. The only person you can truly rely on is yourself. The biggest mistake you can make is to expect that a woman can be your "mountain" when you feel really bad. Never, ever count on that. It will never happen, and she will find "a real, strong man" and leave you if you do that. So keep your mouth shut, pretend that you are happy and okay even when you do not feel that way.

 

Still, I believe that maybe, just maybe this is not the reality. Maybe there are women who actually care and want to be there for you when you need them. I just have never had this kind of experience. My parents were alcoholics, and my mother (who has been sober for 10 years) has always been very intellectual and almost never shows any emotion. She is supportive, but in some weird way cold. The marriage of my parents were abusive and in reality, a complete disaster. I am now in counceling because I want to have more secure attachment style. I also want to question my core belief about the relationships.

 

Well, it felt good to open up. I hope the reality is different than how I believe it to be. Thank you for reading.

[somanymistakes]

One problem is that if you show a false face to the world, you are most likely to attract people who are only interested in that false face.

 

A lot of men are trained that they have to be strong at all costs, and a lot of women are trained that they should only be attracted to these 'strong' men (and some just naturally are - that is legitimately what some people want, though not all).

 

If you give the impression of being Mister Mountain, strong and unbreakable, what sort of people do you think are most likely to be drawn to you? If you give the impression of a guy who doesn't give off a lot of emotions, you may find yourself connecting with someone who doesn't want to deal with a lot of emotions.

 

Men vary. Women vary. There are some women who are exactly the opposite - who are only attracted to men who are dependent on them, need them desperately, would fall apart without them. (You probably don't want those women either, I don't think that's your style.)

 

Then there are those women whose ideal guy is someone who appears tough and capable but has a secret small vulnerability that they only share with their beloved girlfriend - because this makes her feel special, trusted, meaningful, deeply bonded to you.

 

There are a lot of different ways that people work, and it may take time and several different dating relationships before you find the right balance for you. Things generally won't go perfectly the first time. It's okay if it turns out not to be a match, if it turns out she's looking for something that isn't you or you're looking for something that isn't her.

 

How you meet people, how quickly and how strongly you open up to them... these things all have effects. If you meet a lady in a bar who's clearly looking for a sexy night and then suddenly unload on her about your sad childhood, she's probably going to pull away because that's not what she was up for. But in a different context, the merest hint of a sob story makes panties hit the floor (so to speak - just trying to make you smile a little here)

[Mikasut]

I think that this "strenght" is little paradoxical concept. To be strong, you have to have trust in others that they will be there for you when the **** hits the fan. With trust like this you do not have to worry too much and you can actually be very positive and happy person. And I am, until somebody gets close and all my insecurities come to surface.

 

They say that you can have earned secure attachment style. But they also say you can get that in a relationship. So, if you only attract people who are not compatible for you, how will you earn something that can only be earned in healthy relationship? How can you have healthy relationship if securely attached people are "invisible" to you? You can´t. So this is a vicious cycle and I have no idea how to get away from it. I guess, at least in theory, it is possible to earn in therapeutic relationship with female therapist.

[CrazyKatLady]

let's remove the label of "women" and "men" from your post. That leaves a world full of "people" instead, and some people are very warm and giving to others. whether they are male or female. the end. not everyone is cold and aloof. It sounds like you know what you want and are working on yourself too. good job.

[Lotsgoingon]

I feel your pain, brother.

 

Let's skip to the chase ... you say you were raised by alcoholics ... ... I had an ex raised by an alcoholic mother and, and my mother was raised by an alcoholic father. Both attended 12-step groups for adult children of alcoholics.

 

What's most likely happening with you ... is that because you were neglected as a child (an alcoholic simply cannot but neglect a child) ... you became used to relationships that were distant ... cold ... you learned to function on your own ... without help of the parent ... you stopped even going to the parent for help ...

 

Unfortunately people transfer this pattern onto their adult relationships by ... and here's your story: by gravitating towards adult partners who will be as distant and distracted and unresponsive and neglectful as their alcoholic parents were. In other words, adult children of alcoholics are strongly attracted to people who neglect them.

 

This is at the unconscious level ... not something you're outwardly choosing. It's a well known pattern--unconsciously recreating our family patterns. To show you how deep that pattern goes ... when someone with your background pairs up with someone who is kind and responsive ... guess what? ... the person might reject that kindness and responsiveness ... because they are just so not used to it.

 

Mostly likely you repeat this pattern not just with women lovers, but with male friends, coworkers and more.

 

Therapy and support groups are ways of undoing this self-destructive behavior. You can put in some work and undo this pattern. But you do need some therapy of some sort because the pattern isn't a conscious one ... You can NOT just think through this and change ... the work has to go deeper ...

 

My mother did a lot of work in 12-step groups on this very issue ... and she loved this work. Changed her life. I attended meetings with my ex sometimes ... and those were powerful meetings.

 

So get going on your healing brother ... You're allowed to be fully human ... but you're gonna need to do some healing to get the relationships you want.

 

Totally doable with some work.

[gone_girl]

Hi,

 

I'm female and very avoidant myself. I experienced some neglect and psychological abuse and bullying in my childhood (each from different people) and I think these may have affected me. The only person that I had a really good, secure relationship with was my dad, but he died when I was young, so maybe add that to the mix

 

Nowdays, even though I can start relationships with other people relatively easily I have a hard time keeping them, mostly because I feel that "this is as good as it gets". EDIT: I am the one who always, always goes missing. And I think it is mostly because my belief system is that way. It seems as if deep down I don't believe in friendship or love. And I'm saying 'it seems' because admitting it s very hard and I have just realised that this is probably the case. The problem with belief systems is that we have to go out of our way to change them. The good thing with belief systems is that they can change. So the only solution I can think of is to keep exploring.... I am a very private person and I love my independence but my life lacks that special flavour that other people can bring in it. And I know it has a flavour until I decide that "this is it".

 

I hope I'll manage to change that in this lifetime. It's incredibly hard but hoping for the best. Good luck to you all.

Edited May 25, 2018 by gone_girl

[Mikasut]

Thank you for the replies. The most difficult part is that I really do not know when I am projecting my own fears to others. What I mean is that I have no clue if there is a real threat or if it is just me projecting. This is nightmare, because I can not trust my own judgement anymore. I might interpret completely functional and loving person as dangerous, and neglecting and dysfunctional person as safe. Right now I just can not make this distinction. I have been in the other side of this anxious-avoidant trap and the fact that it can happen again scares the **** out of me. I know that deep down people are good. We do not hurt other people because of bad intentions (there are some very rare exceptions) but because we do not know what we are doing. I do not have resentment or anything, and I know my core beliefs are flawed. Still, when they get the best of me there is no way I can stop them controlling my behavior. To make things worse I have ADD which makes my already unstable emotions even wilder and more difficult to control. Right now I am on Concerta medication and it makes me feel peaceful. Like im in control of my own emotions and my life again.

 

I also take full responsibility of my own actions. Avoidants act like real aholes and I have a lot of symphaty for people with anxious attachment style who are the victims of our behavior. In my last relationship I did a lot of damage to this other person with my own confusing and unreliable behavior and I can never undo it. Still, I do not want to be too harsh on myself. I did not have bad intentions, I just did not know any better. Still I have learned my lesson and I will date nobody before my attachment style has become secure. I am really glad that my ex is doing good right now, altough she is very bitter and resentful towards me. I still love her, and the most loving thing I can do right now is to stay far, far away from her.

[gone_girl]

Hi,

 

Another thing that comes to mind is,how free do you feel to show yourself and thoughts to others? In my case, for a very very long time I was very afraid to show what I think or feel. And then I realized this is one of the reasons I always end up feeling suffocated around others. I have been trying to not hide things and it kind of helps, until I stop doing it. It's really hard to do if you're not used to t but it seems like a good habit to build... Your thoughts/experience?

[Mikasut]

I find it very difficult to be open with others, so I hear you gone_girl. Even being around other people feels exhausting. Fortunately, I am very open with my counselor and tell her everything that is going on inside of me.

 

By the way, I do not think avoidant and anxious attachment styles are very different in their core. People with anxious attachment style do very hurtful things as well. For instance, my ex was judging me harshly. She was also completely used to be in the role of victim, so she never took any responsibility of her own hurtful and cruel behavior. The strange thing is that when I began to trust her and open up, she pulled away! In anxious-avoidant trap the roles can reverse, and I have seen this happening many times. Out of sudden she was very busy all the time, and she barely had time to talk with me at all.

 

So, what I think is that people with insecure attachment styles do want to get their needs met, but when they realize that THIS CAN ACTUALLY HAPPEN they freak out (because it feels threatening and unfamiliar). For this reason people with anxious attachment style can and most likely WILL act like avoidants, when there is a very good chance that they will actually get what they want. They also use very same strategies the avoidants use (especially fault finding). When this happen, there is a good chance that if the avoidant person is at least somehow attached, he/she starts to act like somebody with anxious attachment style (like I did with my ex). I think the reason behind this seemingly bizarre behavior is that deep down both people feel that they are not worth of getting their needs met. When this can actually happen this core belief is challenged. In psychology this is called cognitive dissonance. And so, the childhood drama keeps repeating itself. My ex got left, just like her father left her. I was harshly judged and punished, like my mother used to punish me and my father used to judge me.

Edited May 26, 2018 by Mikasut