Girlfriend inconsolable after loss of our two month old son

[Ricky.]

My girlfriend and I lost our two month old son last July due to a heart defect. He was sleeping in his car seat while we were eating lunch when his heart basically imploded. I scrambled to do cpr, but I just couldn’t save him... he died before the paramedics got there.my girlfriend sort of still blames me. That’s because she got pregnant and I never wanted children. So, before he was born I wasn’t supportive and was very angry at her. That was before I knew him, he taught me what love is.

 

She doesn’t think I tried hard enough His birthday is in a week, and we just found out she’s pregnant again.

 

She’s beside herself. She keeps sobbing and saying that she doesn’t want other people to think we’re trying to replace our son. She’s scared we’re going to lose this one. She thinks we did something that caused his death. After he died we went and buried him alone. This upset her family and most of our friends who don’t speak to us now, and her mom wrote us a very mean letter about our “selfishness “ that we didn’t have a funeral. This has made her isolate herself even more.

 

The other night she said to me, “maybe I just don’t deserve to be a mommy.” It broke my heart, I want to help and have no idea how.

 

Has anyone ever dealt with something like this?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son . Is she in any kind of grief counseling? Are of her emotions sound completely typical of someone who has gone through that trauma.

 

As far as your extended family goes, is there a grave/headstone they can visit?

[bathtub-row]

Wow. This is one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever read. I am SO sorry about the loss of your son. I just can’t imagine what the two of you have gone through. One thing that stands out to me, though, is that you have stayed together and that’s rare when parents lose a child. However, the guilt and blame will need to subside at some point or it will probably cause you to split up.

 

Your gf is grieving so hard right now that she can’t be rational or think rationally. I agree about grief counseling, especially as a couple. She needs to understand that it’s not important what other people think about why she’s having another baby. It sounds to me like you did all you could to save your son and your gf will hopefully come to realize that she’s actually accusing you of killing your son. That’s a pretty strong accusation.

 

I’m curious - why didn’t you include your families at the funeral? I think they’re being a little harsh considering the circumstances but I can see why that hurt them deeply.

[d0nnivain]

I am so very sorry for your loss. How tragic.

 

She needs professional grieve counseling. Perhaps you two could benefit from a parental grief support group. Nobody except somebody else who suffered this unimaginable pain can truly understand.

 

My friend lost her 27 year old daughter to a brain aneurism. She credits her bereavement group with saving her life.

[BaileyB]

Another who would very strongly advise grief counselling support. Perhaps, she would prefer individual counselling. There are also groups for parents who have lost young children. It's sometimes helpful to know that others share your pain.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Best wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

That’s because she got pregnant and I never wanted children. So, before he was born I wasn’t supportive and was very angry at her. That was before I knew him, he taught me what love is.

 

She doesn’t think I tried hard enough His birthday is in a week, and we just found out she’s pregnant again.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. That's as tough a hand as life can deal you.

 

Were these pregnancies intended? If not, some thought to family planning would seem to be in order...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Clavel]

My girlfriend and I lost our two month old son last July due to a heart defect. He was sleeping in his car seat while we were eating lunch when his heart basically imploded. I scrambled to do cpr, but I just couldn’t save him... he died before the paramedics got there.my girlfriend sort of still blames me.

 

 

if it were me, that's where i would start. get the medical records. both of you need to be convinced that this was not your fault and that there was nothing that could have been done.

 

next. you need to convince her that no matter how you were feeling before he got here, once he did, you loved him, heart and soul and you are grateful that she went thru with it.

 

then. i'd get on the phone with the people who have the cold hearted nerve to criticize you two for how you laid your child to rest.

 

tell them the truth. his mother could not walk, let alone stand. her face is so swollen from crying she can't see out of her eyes. "we needed to be alone and given time i hope you can understand". "if not, if you can not find it in your heart to support a pregnant grieving mother at this time, if you can't cut her some slack, i'm gonna cut you, out of our lives."

 

i hated the fact that pregnancy is not nine months, but ten. it took forever. however, its long enough that when its over, you're almost ready.

 

you're having a child. ignore anyone speculating why. the reasons are no one business. just like all the "choices" we make in life.

 

this is the deepest most profound pain, wound, you two will ever feel. and i guarantee, it's never gonna go away. it might scab over, with some counseling but, every year, every milestone, it will come back.

 

the way to get thru it, is to put the best face on it you can. "we loved him, we did everything we could", "it was not meant to be, god loved him and wanted him back". whatever mantra you can use to get thru it.

 

you won't get "over' it. you might get thru it.

 

start by protecting her.

[SevenCity]

 

then. i'd get on the phone with the people who have the cold hearted nerve to criticize you two for how you laid your child to rest.

 

tell them the truth. his mother could not walk, let alone stand. her face is so swollen from crying she can't see out of her eyes. "we needed to be alone and given time i hope you can understand". "if not, if you can not find it in your heart to support a pregnant grieving mother at this time, if you can't cut her some slack, i'm gonna cut you, out of our lives."

 

.

 

Seriously. I’m amazed that anyone would have the balls to question you, let alone be so unbelievably selfish as to give you a hard time.

 

I think, in your situation, I would have lost it on them.

[Ricky.]

She’s in grief counseling. It doesn’t really seem to help, and on antidepressants. There is a headstone and everyone was informed of where he is after the fact. I don’t really know why we didn’t invite anyone, we just didn’t... we didn’t want anyone to see any of it. It was enough we had to...

 

The first baby wasn’t planned. At least not on my part. The second baby wasn’t either, but for both of us. She was on the pill the first time, and is supposed to be right now, but I don’t know if she takes it like she’s supposed to.

[SevenCity]

She’s in grief counseling. It doesn’t really seem to help, and on antidepressants. There is a headstone and everyone was informed of where he is after the fact. I don’t really know why we didn’t invite anyone, we just didn’t... we didn’t want anyone to see any of it. It was enough we had to...

 

The first baby wasn’t planned. At least not on my part. The second baby wasn’t either, but for both of us. She was on the pill the first time, and is supposed to be right now, but I don’t know if she takes it like she’s supposed to.

 

You don’t need a reason - that was completely up to you and your wife as far as how to handle.

[Mr. Lucky]

The first baby wasn’t planned. At least not on my part. The second baby wasn’t either, but for both of us. She was on the pill the first time, and is supposed to be right now, but I don’t know if she takes it like she’s supposed to.

 

You should consider taking responsibility for birth control yourself. Life is tough enough without an unintended pregnancy every couple of years.

 

Again, my condolences...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely she needs grief counseling and you may need grief counseling and perhaps you two together (different than individual counseling) might benefit from couples grief counseling.

 

You might try for couples counseling first ... And then see if she needs more support and if you need more support ...

 

Horrible what happened to you ... the death of a baby.

 

Minor note ... at some point, you guys would benefit from an honest conversation about birth control. It' not her duty to take care of that ... but it is awkward if she says she is going to take bc pills and doesn't follow through. An issue you guys should deal with at some point ... and unfortunately, you don't want to ignore all other issues simply because of the grief.

 

Clearly she wasn't ready to be pregnant again ... so this issue is even interfering with her grief.

 

You know ... her reactions do seem extreme on top of the grief ... not a criticism ... but makes me think it would really help for you to be at your very best ... so you may need counseling just to create some clear space and room ... because she's not really able to think at all at this point.

 

Not criticizing her whatsoever, but I get why other people are upset ... Because she won't allow them to comfort her ... and she hasn't allowed them to publicly grieve ... which is the purpose of a funeral and formal burial and all of that ... to publicly grieve without shame ... with the comfort and love of friends and family.

[jnel921]

Ricky, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is never easy. This likely could have happened when you were at home and he in his crib. You shouldn't blame yourself. Babies cant tell us when they are hurting.

 

Congratulations on your next child. Now that you know you can love a child I am sure it will be ok. Sometimes we do feel selfish before we have kids. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with feeling this way. Because how could you possibly know the feeling of having children when you don't.

 

In the meantime when you don't you enjoy life. That is how life is.

 

I am sorry that you didn't want to share this very personal experience with your family. I know its hard but sometimes the love of our families can carry all of us through the roughest of times.

 

Make sure you include them in the joy of your new child. You can probably explain your decisions later and why you chose to handle and mourn your loss. For now reassure your gf that you are there for her and your family.

 

Things must be good. After all you got her pregnant! Good Luck!