How long do you wait to be forgiven before giving up and moving on?

[Shannon67]

New Here. I'm 28, married 7 years, 2 kids (2 and 1 yr old).

 

I'll try to make this short. Husband and I had a good marriage until 4 years ago. We got into a domestic dispute and he ended up going to jail for a night. Long story short, we were arguing and he said he did not want to talk about it and needed some space. I continued to yell until he eventually pushed me into the shower door. It left a cut and I called the police. He went to jail for a night. I did not expect him to go to jail and only called out of shock. Once the police were called and I came down, I asked not to press charges. Too late.

 

Anyways, I apologized for being the aggressor in the situation and him going to jail and he apologized for pushing me. I spent the next couple months trying to get him to put effort into the marriage but he kept saying he was unsure so eventually I stopped. I realized that he was at just as much fault as I was and I moved in with my parents for 4 months. Did not contact him. Children were not born. I had every intention to move on and divorce.

 

He came to me begging to come home and eventually I came back. We talked about where we went wrong and how things would be different. Things seemed fine after that but he would bring up being afraid of going to jail again if I got too mad at him and I understood.

 

No fights or verbal disputes after this. Things were fine at least I thought and children were born.

 

About a year ago he expressed being unhappy and feeling angry and did not know if he could continue the marriage. Weeks passed and we began to barely speak in the same house. Both sleeping in separate rooms and no sex. He began an affair. I found out and was so angry that i packed his things and asked him to leave. He became so depressed and would not get out of the house. We went to counseling and he shared his reason for cheating as thinking the marriage was over and falling into an emotional affair when he was feeling sad about going to jail.I told him it was over be tween us and then shortly the emotional affair turned into a physical affair. I told him he must leave. He left and got his own apartment. I felt he cheated out of revenge.

 

During this time it was strictly co-parenting. We only talked about the kids. I still loved him but never told him because I was trying to move on. Shared laughs and nothing about the marriage. On bended knee and apologetic for cheating, he asked me on a date several times until I said yes. We dated from January until April of this month. Still living apart. Suddenly he became distant. I thought it was someone else but no evidence of this. I asked him about it and he said that he kept being reminded of the night he went to jail. Again, I apologized and tried to remain humble and sincere. He became even more distant and I apologized more. The more humble and apologetic I became, the less he called. But he would always answer my apology with reasons he was sorry too. Until I am now doing most of the calling.

 

 

I recently asked if he wanted to divorce and I would pay for it. No child support requested because he is an excellent father right now. He said he did not know and that we should take it a day at a time. I continued to initiate phone calls after this but started feeling like it was unreasonable for me to be doing all of the work especially after he cheated.

 

We talked last night and he said he is being distant because he loves me but is scared that if we get together we will be dysfunctional. He said he can not get over his anger and he feels alot of pain. He cried when talking about. He says he loves me but unsure if we should work it out and asked what I thought we should do.

 

Its been a year since we separated. We are not progressing towards the marriage and I have been patient because I feel that I am sincerely sorry for hurting him. He tells me he loves me daily. Says he understand the hurt he caused me but unsure as whether we can forgive each other. I don't pursue him anymore but he is constantly complimenting me and saying he loves me. No sex involved. I still love him very much.

 

How long do you wait to be forgiven when you are not the only one at fault? I love him so much and have went to individual counseling for my anger. No doubt I would not have an angry outburst again towards me. Do I try to convince him of this or move on because he cheated?

[BaileyB]

Have you been to marriage counselling together? Because, I would think that is a must if you are going to get back together.

 

I will say, you may love each other but that doesn't mean that you are good together or capable of creating a healthy and happy home for your children. And that, is what is most important right now. Perhaps, it is best for you to live apart and coparent your children?

 

For me, I would have been done long ago... You have a history of unstable and violent behavior, and infidelity... All are deal breakers for me. I wouldn't be waiting around any more...

[somanymistakes]

What do you need to be forgiven for?

 

He was violent.

 

He had an affair.

 

And somehow he's turning this around and making YOU feel like you need to apologise?

 

This is not healthy for you.

[BaileyB]

What do you need to be forgiven for?

 

He was violent.

 

He had an affair.

 

And somehow he's turning this around and making YOU feel like you need to apologise?

 

This is not healthy for you.

 

Absolutely. It takes two to tango... I don’t for a moment believe that you haven’t contributed to this unhealthy relationship... But, I also wonder why you are hoping to be forgiven when he has been physically abusive to you and unfaithful. Nothing that you could ever do to provoke him, makes this behaviour acceptable. And, he own that - not you.

 

The whole situation seems very unhealthy... and you have two young children to consider.

[Mr. Lucky]

Suddenly he became distant. I thought it was someone else but no evidence of this. I asked him about it and he said that he kept being reminded of the night he went to jail. Again, I apologized and tried to remain humble and sincere. He became even more distant and I apologized more. The more humble and apologetic I became, the less he called. But he would always answer my apology with reasons he was sorry too. Until I am now doing most of the calling.

 

You're being gaslighted, look it up if you don't know what it means. If he can convince you it's all your fault, he's off the hook and able to similarly act out down the road.

 

I personally wouldn't believe a thing he says. And if you stay, be ready for every problem in the relationship to be your fault. Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't get why you think you're the one who needs to be forgiven. I don't see it ... He acted violently ... no excuse ... no master how verbally nasty you were ... So I don't get the way you have framed this issue.

 

Sounds like he needs to go to therapy on his own to deal with a lot of childhood pain and unprocessed feelings ... and to learn to grow up ... by grow up ... I mean to learn to align his behavior with his words ...

 

Seems to me he has basically dumped you several times ... by pulling away and suddenly going cold ...

 

The question is do YOU want to forgive him for being so confusing and so hot and cold? ... That's the question ...

 

He seems deeply ambivalent and confused ... uh ... I don't know how to say this gently ... but uh ... that never gets better in a marriage unless the person who is ambivalent and confused works hard on himself to make it better.

 

Here's how a friend of mine would frame the question to you ... Imagine you didn't have any history with him ... Imagine your history with him was a story of him and a previous wife ... Even imagine you don't have kids with him. Now ... would you want to be married and living with this person?