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She's wants to move on but still loves me

riceboy

By riceboy,
in Second Chances

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riceboy

riceboy

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Need some opinions here.

 

We've been dating for about 3 years and living together for the last two years. Everything has been great except we no longer have sex. We still huge, kiss, and do lots of things together. Most of the time the relationship seems ok but something is wrong. Well she came out and told me that she wants to move out and move on. She doesn't know who she is and wants to find herself and she misses missing me. She says she loves me but the attraction is no longer there. We talked about it for a while and we agreed that living together was not a good idea since we didn't have time for ourselves and whatnot. Plus She says things are too comfortable with me and that she does not want me to be her crutch. Anyhow we agreed to move out and stay together to see if that makes a difference. I am somewhat lost here....is this the right path? Should I just let her go? Is this something that can be resolved? Anyone has similar experiences?

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bluechocolate

bluechocolate

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Sorry to say this, but it sounds to me like she's saying all the things she thinks will let you down gently. Interesting that they are all about her -

 

she is no longer attracted to you, she doesn't want to rely so much on you, she doesn't know who she is...

 

The thing is none of those are things that you can change. See what I mean?

 

Anyhow we agreed to move out and stay together to see if that makes a difference.

 

Whose idea was this? One minute she wants to move out & move on 'cause the attraction is not there & the next she's willing to continue going out with you, just not living with you? hmmmm.......

 

I am somewhat lost here....is this the right path?

 

Personally, I don't think so.

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Rocko

Rocko

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They say that every relationship that lasts over 2 years will experience a breakup. Give her space and time, and try NC. Keep yourself busy. Good luck, and all the best.

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Zoey

Zoey

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Whoa, this sounds so similiar to my situation...(I play the role of your girlfriend here)....So I went through the same thing last year with my boyfriend. We had been dating for 3 years and were practically living together. Almost all of our friends had merged and we were no longer seen as individuals but rather almost always as Zoey and Mr. Zoey. Anyway, I got really confused about our relationship because our lives had become so intertwined and we ended up having to rely on each other for every kind of emotional support that we needed because we were best friends and hadn't done the best job of maintaining our friends/lives outside the relationship.

 

So, what happened is that I started to wonder about what was going on. NOthing horrible was happening in our relationship, but I just couldn't think clearly about where it was going and I needed some space to step back and consider how I REALLY felt about the whole thing. I also stopped having sex with my BF even though we were still together lots...mostly because I wanted to separate myself emotionally from him to better try and grasp the situation.

 

Anyway, we never actually broke up. But obviously, we had lots of where-is-this-relationship-going talks and I definitely stepped back emotionally. Somehow, I just woke up and realized that the BF was all I ever wanted and I was lucky enough that he was ecstatic to have me back.

 

The bad news is, that this whole process had a bad effect on our relationship as a whole. One, I really hurt him. He was so upset that I was withdrawing from him that he felt like he had to do everything he could to keep me from leaving. Two, he never really got over my distance. Three, when I decided that I really did love him, he wasn't on the same page with me.

 

You see, the BF just broke up with me, almost a year after my whole "rediscovering" process. He claims that he has so scared to lose me that he never really considered why he was together with me. He says the same things that I thought last year: he doesn't know if this is love or comfort.

 

Anyway, hope this helps a little...but I would note that just b/c she is stepping away, doesn't mean that she wants it over forever. She probably just needs lots of girl time. Also, even if she comes back, you might one day decide that you don't want to be with her afterall.

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Zoey

Zoey

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hmm...I don't really remember, but it was probably a period of about 3 months. But, like I said, we never broke up during this time. It was just a really stressful and ugly point in our relationship.

 

Honestly, what brought me back really had nothing to do with anything that the BF did or did not do.

I don't think there is a magic number or anything.

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riceboy

riceboy

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Zoey,

 

If she gives me opportunity to try it out I should? Also how often did you guys see each other when you moved out? How much interaction? Should I just leave her alone...advice??????

 

Thanks for the support and experience.

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vix

vix

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I was with my ex for 4 years & in the last year started doubting my feelings for him because of other pressures (work, buying my first house, etc.). I let the intimate side of the relationship slide because i didn't feel physically attracted to him & i didn't want to lead him on in any way. I ended the relationship because it didn't feel right anymore & as much as i cared/loved him, i couldn't stay just to make him happy.

 

We stayed in regular contact & after 6 months i realised i'd made a mistake but needed to be sure & that took another 8 months. When i told him, he was v reluctant at first but did come back. However, after 3 months he walked away (doubted his feelings, wanted to be on his own & couldn't forget what i'd done the first time around). That was at the end of May & i'm still hoping that he'll be back. He's having alot of problems at the moment & i know that i've just got to sit-back & give him all the time/space he needs.

 

What i'm trying to say is that feelings can & do change. However, what you've got on your side is that she's only moved out at the moment & hasn't completely walked away. Talk to her, try to understand her but don't push for answers.

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lost_in_chgo

lost_in_chgo

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Wow.

 

That's two replies with relationships ended over nothing or over insecurities that saw 2nd chances.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Drivetildriven

Drivetildriven

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Wow, vix and zoey. You and my ex woman should talk. She left me for what sounds like the same reasons Vix cited. As much as her wanting me back would be an answer to an ongoing prayer, I don't know if I could ever trust her again, that she wouldn't have those same feelings of complacency, etc. I'm 27 and her leaving me after a three year relationship is the most painful thing I've ever been through. I don't hate her, but I don't know if I could reconcile with her after this. Also, she saw one of my friends at a festival this weekend. She was with some guy, but asked about me, and said how happy she is now, etc. Every time I have a correspondence with her (which is not very often) or one of my runs into her, she ALWAYS makes it a point to say how happy she is now. She's answering a question no one asked.

 

Riceboy, I'd say give it time.

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riceboy

riceboy

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She left on Friday to goto Europe with her three guys friends from college. She will be away for 14 days. This is the first time we've been apart. Prior to her leaving on Friday she came over and held me tight and said that she loves me. And then when I dropped her off she gave me a passionate kiss (not just like a peck). We've been just giving each other little kisses here and there during the past year but this was different. Do you think she is beginning to realize certain things? I hope this will do us some good as we will not have much contact while she is away. Plus prior to her leaving she called and told her sister that we were moving out...her sister flipped....but then she said don't worry its ok we are moving out but we are not breaking up...thats a good sign eh? THoughts??

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Shandy

Shandy

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Vix and Zoey, your replies really scare me. I'm afraid I may only be a step away from where you are at now. My situation is exactly like yours, I doubted my feelings for him, broke up, and then realized I love him more than anything. We reconciled after four months apart but I sense his feelings aren't the same. I have doubts whether he even loves me anymore.

 

So I'm wondering how did the two of you treat your boyfriends during your second chance? I treat him much better this time, assured him left and right that I won't leave again. If you can do your second chances over, would you have done anything differently?

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Shandy

Shandy

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Riceboy, the best chance you have of her coming back is to play it very cool. If you want her to realize she made a mistake you have to make her miss you first. After I broke up with my boyfriend, he wouldn't take any of my calls for weeks. He said he needs time to think and would only email me. When the emails start coming in less and less frequently, I start to panic. We used to talk everyday, and all of a sudden I couldn't see or talk to him. That's when I realized I made a mistake.

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Rocko

Rocko

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Shandy:

 

If it happens, it happens. Its part of the ball game. I'm on your ex's side right now, and I can relate to how he feels. "You can never go back" is true... you have to let your old relationship die and forge a new one. Start a new chapter with him. It takes time an dedication on both sides, good luck.

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Zoey

Zoey

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Shandy -

let's just say that getting him back sucked. It sucked so much that he broke up with me one year later...and his reasons very much revolved around my actions. He said that he never forgot how I felt and it really hurt him. Ultimately, it made him question our relationship so much so that he wanted to break up. When we got back together, I tried to be soooo loving and caring and convincing. But the damage was done. I think my mistake was never dealing with his emotions about our little break. I just wanted to convince him that I loved him again and that there was nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, there was stuff to worry about. Because we never really talked about it, the problem never went away. Instead, even though I had a chance to make a realization, he let it festered in his head and questioned so much that he eventually had to make a break. We are talking again a little bit now - 3 weeks later, and I think maybe he still loves me, but he still doesn't know what he wants....

 

Riceboy - I think it's awesome that she gave you such a beautiful kiss before she left. Are you worried about her being in Europe with three guys? I hope she comes back more in love with you then ever.

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riceboy

riceboy

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Hi All,

 

I'm flipping out right now....not sure why. Maybe I'm just overreacting. But after I dropped her off at the airport, I told her don't worry about me just have a good time. Well I had expected that she at least call but no calls. This is our first time apart during our six year relationship so its a pretty big deal i guess. Whats going on here? Is she doing this on purpose? Is it because she's just this time to think about things? Not sure whats going on here....just going nuts. I'm suppose to pick her up in 5 days and i am somewhat pissed and not sure how i should react to all of this esp when she comes back.

 

Any insight?

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Shandy

Shandy

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Leave it alone. Not calling for a couple of days is normal, especially now that you two are broken up. Let her call you first and when she does, casually ask how her trip was. If you're upset over this she'll know she still has you.

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upsetnhurt

upsetnhurt

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Emotionally she just is not at the same level as you are. I would be PISSED beyond belief that my gf went to Europe with three guys and chose not to call me once while she was there. I realize she is having a good time.....who would'nt with three people of the opposite sex! There is no excuse Riceboy and you need to realize she is pulling aways ever so slowly. She will arrive back home and not know why you were said and pretend all is good...........The thing you need to know is that there is nothing you can do except worry about yourself here. Do you want tolorate this from her? Is this the type of relationship you want with someone?

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riceboy

riceboy

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Hi All - Update,

 

he finally emailed me twice last night from Europe. Saying that she's having a good time but she misses me alot and loves me and wants to come back to europe with me. She actually emailed me twice. I think this time has gotten her to think about things a little.

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