Any ladies who became the "wife" after starting out as the "other woman"?

[Anna-Belle]

Is there no happy endings at all...?

 

i know i might be chasing a dream.

 

but,

 

may be there are some ladies who were loved enough by the affair partners that they divorced and got married to the said ladies who entered the men's lives as the "other woman"?

 

Is there no true love stories ever between the "other woman" and the affair partner...?

 

thank you

 

Ours is a true love story! We met when we were 15 but lost track of each other until our mid-forties. Started an EMR and are now married! He's the most wonderful guy you could imagine and he's mine!

[niteandfog]

No not at all! but marriages do not become “loveless” overnight. If you have been feeling it going south, and trying to do something about it, and it’s not worked, then you’ve reflected, and your leaving wouldn’t be premature.

 

But if you’ve suddenly felt your knees go wobbly when this new person walks into your office, without the “feeling it going south, trying to fix it, nothing working” scenario preceding it, then IMV it’s silly to expect you to pack and leave your marriage immediately. And if you did, I’d be sceptical of it lasting. Unless you’d actually worked through the ending of your marriage - before or after meeting someone new - walking away will involve doubts.

 

Unless the marriage is abusive. If it’s abusive, leave yesterday already.

 

Gotcha! And I totally agree with you. In both our cases (so mine and my now BF) we both had tried and realised we definitely didnt want to stay in our marriages before we met. I don’t think you can truly commit emotionally with someone else unless you definitely have no feelings left for the ex.

[imsosad]

Gotcha! And I totally agree with you. In both our cases (so mine and my now BF) we both had tried and realised we definitely didnt want to stay in our marriages before we met. I don’t think you can truly commit emotionally with someone else unless you definitely have no feelings left for the ex.

 

I'm pleased things are working out for you.

I have to disagree with both you and Overtaxed.

I don't think there is one way to do this.

I loved my ex husband when I left him, and i still do.

I loved my AP in a completely different way.

I used to smirk at people stating they love more than one person.

Now I know for a fact it's true.

Live and learn.

My AP/partner also loved his wife,even though he was more resentful toward her than I towards my husband.

It took us a while to figure out what to do.

We could have still both been married, both marriages were not awful.

I think circumstance plays a much bigger part than usually mentioned.

Too often, the women are in love and the men are just having fun. No doubt.

Having said that, sometimes it is love, but circumstance and timing are not right.

I know a couple who had an 8 year affair. He was married, she was single. He left only after his youngest turned 18 because he knew he couldn't afford child support+another house.

It is totally ****ty to his wife, obviously. He did love his OW however, though he couldn't commit to her for years.

Things are not always either/or, black/white.

Feelings and emotions are important, but there are other factors jn our adult lives.

Like one woman told me, I'd rather have my own heart broken than break up a perfectly good family and break everyone else's.

That said, no one should settle for less than the relationship they want.

I wish discussion was a little more diverse.

[William]

imsosad said:

I wish discussion was a little more diverse.

 

You're empowered to start a topic on any subject which interests you.

 

As example, if you wish to start a topic about affair partners who didn't end up together, the hows, whys and wherefores, you can do so. We encourage it.

 

What we do not encourage, in fact discourage, is members dragging clear topics off-topic for whatever reason. As example, in a thread seeking input on affairs which became marriages and those results, posting about affairs which failed. That's called a thread-jack and is against the rules.

 

However, all is not lost. If you think moderation isn't being fair or even-handed here, simply hit the 'Contact Us' button and send us an e-mail.

 

My apologies for the long wind here. Please continue with the discussion and definitely do start new topical threads as the desire occurs. Thanks!

[abandoned2018]

I'm pleased things are working out for you.

I have to disagree with both you and Overtaxed.

I don't think there is one way to do this.

I loved my ex husband when I left him, and i still do.

I loved my AP in a completely different way.

I used to smirk at people stating they love more than one person.

Now I know for a fact it's true.

Live and learn.

My AP/partner also loved his wife,even though he was more resentful toward her than I towards my husband.

It took us a while to figure out what to do.

We could have still both been married, both marriages were not awful.

I think circumstance plays a much bigger part than usually mentioned.

Too often, the women are in love and the men are just having fun. No doubt.

Having said that, sometimes it is love, but circumstance and timing are not right.

I know a couple who had an 8 year affair. He was married, she was single. He left only after his youngest turned 18 because he knew he couldn't afford child support+another house.

It is totally ****ty to his wife, obviously. He did love his OW however, though he couldn't commit to her for years.

Things are not always either/or, black/white.

Feelings and emotions are important, but there are other factors jn our adult lives.

Like one woman told me, I'd rather have my own heart broken than break up a perfectly good family and break everyone else's.

That said, no one should settle for less than the relationship they want.

I wish discussion was a little more diverse.

 

 

 

 

thank you.

 

 

 

could you please explain the difference between the love you have for your ex husband and the love you have for the AP? i thought of asking this because of the following two lines you said

 

 

I loved my ex husband when I left him, and i still do.

I loved my AP in a completely different way.

 

 

 

and because i have also heard about affair partners who say they love the spouse and affair partner both...

 

 

 

 

 

 

and i never thought that that could be true...

[What_Did_I_Do]

My MM left his W.

 

Although we had some pretty stormy times and periods of NC, the goal never changed. As a couple of the other posters stated here, the way the MM treated them as an OW during the A is a key factor on whether or not they plan on leaving. Mine never said he 'loves his W but is not in love with her'. He did offer some of the typical MM excuses of why he couldn't leave *now*, but did set a date for himself and followed through with it.

 

Don't know if we'll make it. Maybe he'll go back, maybe one of us will move on to someone else. Time will tell. But for right now, we are taking things very, very slowly.

[Arieswoman]

My exH cheated and I divorced him swiftly (got the divorce in 5 months despite him stalling all the way).

 

 

He kept seeing the OW on and off for about another 4 years, then she got pregnant and they married.

 

 

They have been together 15+ years.

 

 

All he's got is the same book with a different cover.

 

 

Nothing has bascically changed. Bills to pay, garbage to take out, lawns to cut, worries with kids, problems at work etc etc

 

 

Are they happy? Did it turn out as they dreamed?

 

 

I doubt it

 

 

Most married men have affairs because they are chasing a dream. A perfect woman that is always pleased to see them, never has a headache/periods/a bad day at work/zits, who makes them No1, hangs on their every word, always up for sex etc etc.

 

 

They can have this with an OW who they only see infrequently.

 

 

If they marry her then they realise that they've swapped one wife for another, except that they can't trust this one because of how they got together.

 

 

Not a recipe for happiness IMO

[niteandfog]

My exH cheated and I divorced him swiftly (got the divorce in 5 months despite him stalling all the way).

 

 

He kept seeing the OW on and off for about another 4 years, then she got pregnant and they married.

 

 

They have been together 15+ years.

 

 

All he's got is the same book with a different cover.

 

 

Nothing has bascically changed. Bills to pay, garbage to take out, lawns to cut, worries with kids, problems at work etc etc

 

 

Are they happy? Did it turn out as they dreamed?

 

 

I doubt it

 

 

Most married men have affairs because they are chasing a dream. A perfect woman that is always pleased to see them, never has a headache/periods/a bad day at work/zits, who makes them No1, hangs on their every word, always up for sex etc etc.

 

 

They can have this with an OW who they only see infrequently.

 

 

If they marry her then they realise that they've swapped one wife for another, except that they can't trust this one because of how they got together.

 

 

Not a recipe for happiness IMO

 

I don't think you can generalize that much.... We ended up having an affair because we were already married that's about it. We've said a million times how we wished we've met 13 years ago, so we never caused any of the heartat we've caused. I don't know how common our story is or not, but he had a crush on me for years (which I was oblivious to) and in the end it turned out that we were each other's person of our dreams. And I mean this objectively we're very, very similar and have pretty much the same interests.

[somanymistakes]

We were literally dreaming of each other for ten years apart because we were idiots who couldn't just make up our minds what we wanted and actually go for it. It's something we have to be really careful about in the future, making sure that we keep open communication and don't just go along with what we think someone else wants.

[Prudence V]

If they marry her then they realise that they've swapped one wife for another, except that they can't trust this one because of how they got together.

 

Perhaps in your case (though there may be “sour grapes” involved?) but definitely not in ours. We trust each other completely. And why not? Over the time we’ve been together we’ve shown each other we can be trusted, being scrupulously honest with each other throughout.

 

Not a recipe for happiness IMO

 

I guess where you’re standing shapes how you see things. To those who meet us and here our story, it’s a tale of love triumphing over obstacles, and is indeed a “recipe for happiness”since we’ve demonstrated the strength of wanting to be together by what we’ve had to overcome in order to achieve that. Does his xW see it that way? I somehow doubt it.

 

Most married men have affairs because they are chasing a dream. A perfect woman that is always pleased to see them, never has a headache/periods/a bad day at work/zits, who makes them No1, hangs on their every word, always up for sex etc etc.

 

 

They can have this with an OW who they only see infrequently.

 

Again, this was not our experience at all.

[Overtaxed]

@prudence

 

Yes, there are some success stories. That's not debatable, and it sounds like you are one of them. However, even though that's true, it's still not a "recipe for success". It's starting off with spoiled meat and rotten apples and making something great, which is good, but it's also difficult, most people are going to make something inedible out of that. A few will get lucky and realize that you can combine that into something that tastes good, but it's SO much easier to make a good meal when you start with fresh fish and a great cut of steak. Most people aren't going to be successful starting with the ingredients that you did, and, even if they are, very, very few are going to come out with something that's as good as a good chef can cook if he starts with good ingredients.

 

I'm all for telling the stories of success, but, we really need to realistic with posters too.. Yes, it could work out. Just like you could win the lottery. But the chances are incredibly small. Without a ton of conflicting evidence, the right answer for a OW/OM is "walk away", because, in most cases, that's the surest path to healing and a good relationship (with or without the OP; if you walk and they D, then you're back on equal footing). Staying in an A, or getting in one in the first place looking for love is looking in the wrong place.

[Arieswoman]

Apart from my ex-H's situation I know of 4 other women who went from OW to wife.

 

 

In all cases the MM left his marriage within a couple of months of the affair starting. So it would appear that he already had one foot out of the door anyway.

 

 

Just my observations.

 

 

From what I've seen, if an affair goes on for more than 6 months without any concrete plans to leave, then he aint going to leave.

[niteandfog]

 

 

From what I've seen, if an affair goes on for more than 6 months without any concrete plans to leave, then he aint going to leave.

 

This!! And in my experience you never have to ask for the MM to leave he’ll suggest /do it from his own accord.

[Artdeco]

I agree that “He” (or she) has to do it on his/her own accord, but there’s really no timeframe.

 

In my situation, the whole thing took longer, because my MM wanted to get his kids into college without them having to worry about anything. He also wanted to get his BW in a place where she felt secure and not deprived of anything. Hence, the whole situation unfolded in a Timeframe that took slightly longer than just a few months. All in all it took about 2-3 years altogether. I always knew that this, in addition to our r, was his priority, and I respected that, and it was nothing that made our relationship weaker, or took away from our relationship at all. It had to happen because that’s what he decided since it was his family and I respected that. It did not make me feel insecure or second-best or anything like that. I supported him in anything he did, and he supported me in anything I did, and it worked for us. Just like it would’ve worked if he hadn’t been in another relationship beforehand. I seriously don’t know where this notion comes from where people say that if he doesn’t split from his wife in a few months, or right after he meets you, then it will never happen at all, because it’s just not accurate. Life just doesn’t work that way.

[abandoned2018]

I agree that “He” (or she) has to do it on his/her own accord, but there’s really no timeframe.

 

In my situation, the whole thing took longer, because my MM wanted to get his kids into college without them having to worry about anything. He also wanted to get his BW in a place where she felt secure and not deprived of anything. Hence, the whole situation unfolded in a Timeframe that took slightly longer than just a few months. All in all it took about 2-3 years altogether.

 

 

did his BW knew about the affair and that he was going to leave after kids go to college...?

[Artdeco]

did his BW knew about the affair and that he was going to leave after kids go to college...?

 

Yes, they did have the talk ahead of time, multiple times. She did not, however, know about the A until later.

[somanymistakes]

In our situation, it took longer for a few months for them to separate, but there were a lot of complications, some of which had to do with the laws where we live. First he had to decide for certain that he wanted out of his marriage whether we ever got together or not. Then he had to convince his wife to agree to a separation, which was not easy. There were reasons that he didn't just pack up and leave on his own, and I agreed with those reasons, but it meant everything was very slow.

 

He would say that the decision on his part that he needed to leave happened within only a few months, but the process of getting to where we are now took more than a year, and they still aren't officially divorced because she's contesting it.

 

Or you could say that he never "left", since he talked her into leaving, so it doesn't count, haha

[Prudence V]

it's still not a "recipe for success". It's starting off with spoiled meat and rotten apples

 

Neither of us was “spoiled meat” or “rotten apples”. We were two people who met at a time when we were busy th open to a new relationship, but who both had circumstances that initially prevented us from pursuing such a thing full-time. But because we both wanted to be together full-time, we set about doing what we needed to do to allow that - in his case, preparing his child for the split, finding a place for himself and child, moving out and filing for divorce. My circumstances were different and took a little longer than his did, but no spoiled meat or rotten apples were involved.

 

We had a great R back then, and have a great R now. None of the “sneaking about” or lying so often implied on these boards. I do imagine that if unhealthy habits and practices are established in the early days of a R (any R, not just an EMR) that it’s hard to shift things and develop a healthy R from that, particularly if those have been ongoing for a while. But we didn’t have any of that.

[Prudence V]

I agree that “He” (or she) has to do it on his/her own accord, but there’s really no timeframe.

 

 

I would concur. Putting pressure on someone to leave their M before they are ready just opens them up to oscillating back and forth, unsure of their decision, and doesn’t lay the foundation for a sustainable, strong R going forward. When someone is ready to leave, they will leave. It may take minutes or decades, depending on where they are in the process.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I agree that “He” (or she) has to do it on his/her own accord, but there’s really no timeframe

 

Agree. If I applied any pressure on him he became a cornered wild animal. So I dropped the subject and set my own exit date. He left his M before then.

 

That said, during the A I made it abundantly clear what was acceptable. We were very open in our A and the only notable difference between then and now is that I can call him any time of the day or night.

Edited June 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[stillafool]

Neither of us was “spoiled meat” or “rotten apples”. We were two people who met at a time when we were busy th open to a new relationship, but who both had circumstances that initially prevented us from pursuing such a thing full-time. But because we both wanted to be together full-time, we set about doing what we needed to do to allow that - in his case, preparing his child for the split, finding a place for himself and child, moving out and filing for divorce. My circumstances were different and took a little longer than his did, but no spoiled meat or rotten apples were involved.

 

We had a great R back then, and have a great R now. None of the “sneaking about” or lying so often implied on these boards. I do imagine that if unhealthy habits and practices are established in the early days of a R (any R, not just an EMR) that it’s hard to shift things and develop a healthy R from that, particularly if those have been ongoing for a while. But we didn’t have any of that.

 

I'm thinking the "spoiled meat and rotten apples" were from those who were hurt by your actions. Good to hear that no one got hurt in your being together.

[startingagain15]

My husband's first marriage was born out of an affair. His first wife was married when they got together. 6 months into the affair, she left her husband and they lived together for 3 years before they got married. She went on to cheat on him multiple times throughout their 17 year marriage. She finally left him for one of the new guys she was having an affair with, and she is living with him now.

 

I don't get why he stayed so long, he says he wanted to keep his family together, didn't believe in divorce, and didn't think he deserved any better for how things started out in the first place. Sad situation.

[ladydesigner]

My parents were both married when they met. They left their respective spouses within months to be together. They are still married to this day but not happily. My mom went on to have 3 more A's while my dad decided to stay as he didn't want to D and break up another family he had created.

 

My uncle also left his 2nd wife to be with his AP until his death. They were happy but dysfunctional the entire M.

 

I haven't yet read a real unicorn and rainbows ending with APs.

[DKT3]

Neither of us was “spoiled meat” or “rotten apples”. We were two people who met at a time when we were busy th open to a new relationship, but who both had circumstances that initially prevented us from pursuing such a thing full-time. But because we both wanted to be together full-time, we set about doing what we needed to do to allow that - in his case, preparing his child for the split, finding a place for himself and child, moving out and filing for divorce. My circumstances were different and took a little longer than his did, but no spoiled meat or rotten apples were involved.

 

We had a great R back then, and have a great R now. None of the “sneaking about” or lying so often implied on these boards. I do imagine that if unhealthy habits and practices are established in the early days of a R (any R, not just an EMR) that it’s hard to shift things and develop a healthy R from that, particularly if those have been ongoing for a while. But we didn’t have any of that.

 

This is inaccurate in a sense. It's like saying a bank robber isn't a bank robber right after he robbed a bank.

 

The difference is in understanding how your actions hurt people and were unbecoming. In that instance you were both spoilt meat, however, it didn't mean you had to stay that way. Truth is more people don't really change much from center or their basic core values, so in all honesty a cheater will always be more likely to cheat again. When you have two in a relationship it's almost a certainty.

 

What I find interesting is what is deemed as successful, I shared a story here once about a relative of mine who cheated on her husband in the mid seventies ended up leaving for her AP. They stayed together until his death in 2007ish. 30 plus years and she told my mom they were 29 of the most horrible years of her life after a couple good ones.They cheated on each other the entire time but she felt it's what they both deserve. Stayed together but far from successful.

[Prudence V]

This is inaccurate in a sense. It's like saying a bank robber isn't a bank robber right after he robbed a bank.

 

Please explain what you mean. Neither of us robbed a bank. Neither of us was, or is, “spoiled meat” or “rotten apples”.

 

The difference is in understanding how your actions hurt people and were unbecoming. In that instance you were both spoilt meat, however, it didn't mean you had to stay that way. Truth is more people don't really change much from center or their basic core values, so in all honesty a cheater will always be more likely to cheat again. When you have two in a relationship it's almost a certainty.

 

I agree that people are, in the main, true to their values - except where extreme circumstances lead them into things they would not otherwise do. The survivors of the Andes air crash who ate their dead fellow passengers to survive being a case in point. Without going into details, I regard my H’s indiscretion in that light.

 

What I find interesting is what is deemed as successful, I shared a story here once about a relative of mine who cheated on her husband in the mid seventies ended up leaving for her AP. They stayed together until his death in 2007ish. 30 plus years and she told my mom they were 29 of the most horrible years of her life after a couple good ones.They cheated on each other the entire time but she felt it's what they both deserve. Stayed together but far from successful.

 

Many Ms exist where people stay together unhappily, and are regarded from the outside as being “successful”. I know a MM who has had more than two dozen DDays with the same OW, but stays with his BW, who boasts about how successful their M is because they are still together despite his EMR which has lasted a decade and a half. To my mind, that is not success, but to her it is.